More Humour

[oggbashan]

Hierachy

Those who can; do.

Those who can't; teach.

Those who can't teach; teach teachers.

Those who can't teach teachers; manage teaching establishments.

Those who can't manage teaching establishments; run universities.

Those who can't do any of those things; become politicians.

Politicians decide how education is run to ensure that no student is taught how to do.

 

[Handley_Page]

Strange "Sports" Quotes:

Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
And,
"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to Prison for three years, not Princeton."

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

 

[Dingo_Triplesix]

Two pensioneers are sitting on a bench in the park, enjoying the good weather. A good looking girl comes her way and passes by, skirt swinging.

"Ah," one of the old men said with a sigh, "when I see this, I wish I were twenty-five again."

"Are you crazy?", the other one responded. "Another fourty years of work, just for those ten minutes?"

 

[Handley_Page]

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests.
The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect.
At the very last minute, she realised that she didn't have any snails for posh starters at the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with a bucket to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach.
As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.
He kept thinking to himself," Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him.
They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up making mad passionate love all night.
At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on quickly, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door.
He ran down the beach all the way to his house.
He ran up the stairs of his house. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs.
The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he's been all this time.
He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said,
"Come on lads, not far now!"

 

[oggbashan]

R I P Barry Cryer comedy writer.

Barry Cryer died yesterday. Some of his jokes:

From the Morecombe and Wise Show. Dame Vera Lynn is a guest.

Eric: "Dame Vera, will you sing for us?"

Dame Vera: "Sing? I thought I was just a guest."

Eric turns to Ernie: "Dame Vera won't sing for us. What do we do to persuade her?

Ernie: "Start another war?"

+++

Just before last Christmas for a clergyman:

Wife says to husband: The man at the bus stop looks just like the Archbishop of Canterbury. Go and ask him."

Husband goes across and asks. the man replies "Fuck Off!"

Husband returns to wife.

"What did he say?"

"Fuck off!"

Wife says: "Oh dear. Now we'll never know."

+++

His last joke when asked how he was:

"Put it this way. I daren't buy a green banana."

 

[Handley_Page]

A virile, young Italian gentleman was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome , when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So...you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, the young man reached for her and the rattling resumed.

This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. The rooting ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks, "You finish?"

And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No."

Stunned, bu t damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman yet again using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together, screaming, bucking, clawing, and ripping the bed sheets.

The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."

 

[BuckyDuckman]

I love putting on a pair of underwear straight out of the dryer when they are still warm and toasty feeling.

Also, it's always so fun to look around the laundromat and try to guess who they belong to, too!

 

[jehoram]

From Rodney (I don't get no respect) Dangerfield:

"When I was a kid, I worked in a pet store. Customers would come in, point to me, and ask the owner 'How big does it get?'"

 

[Handley_Page]

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs.
He gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest.
Here is what the kids came up with:

People in glass houses shouldn't . . . run around naked.

Better to be safe than . . . punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the . . . bug is close.

It's always darkest before . . . daylight savings time.

Never underestimate the power of . . . termites.

You can lead a horse to water but . . . how?

Don't bite the hand that . . . looks dirty.

No news is . . . impossible.

A miss is as good as a . . . Mr.

You can't teach an old dog . . . math.

If you lie down with dogs, you . . . will stink in the
morning.

Love all, trust . . . me.

The pen is mightier than . . . the pigs.

An idle mind is . . . the best way to relax.

Where there is smoke, there is . . . pollution.

Happy is the bride who . . . gets all the presents.

A penny saved is . . . not much.

Two is company, three is . . . The Musketeers.

Children should be seen and not . . . spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed . . . get new batteries.

You get out of something what you . . . see pictured on the
box.

When the blind lead the blind . . . get out of the way.

There is no fool like . . . Aunt Edie.

 

[Privates1stClass]

Joe, a cuckolded factory worker, finally had enough of his wife’s cheating. He considered a divorce, but that meant big lawyer’s fees—and she’d get the house, the car, and half his assets. Then he decided it would be cheaper to have her knocked off.

He put word out on the street that he “had a job” that needed to be done. One day he found a note in his locker that indicated he should show up at “The Uptown Pub” on the following Thursday night at 9 PM and ask for “Artie.”

So Joe shows up at the pub and asks for Artie. He’s directed to a darkened, back corner of the pub, and discovers Artie is one of his old high school buddies, who he knew then as Arthur.

After sharing a drink, they get down to business, with Joe telling Artie that he wants to get rid of his wife.

Artie responds that he usually charged $10,000 for a hit, but since they were old buddies, he’d do it for a dollar. Then he asked Joe how he wanted “the job” done.

Joe said his wife had a standing hair appointment at the beauty shop next to the local Safeway grocery every Tuesday at 3 PM. That’s where he wanted Artie to carry out the hit. Joe asked Artie to strangle his wife because he said he didn’t want any blood. They shook hands with Joe handing a crisp new dollar bill to Artie.

The following Tuesday, about 4 PM, Joe’s wife came out of the beauty shop and walked to her car. Artie was there, waiting. As she passed by, Artie dragged her between a couple parked cars and strangled her.

A stock boy pushing a loaded shopping cart with a customer stumbled on Artie strangling Joe’s wife. So, to eliminate any witnesses, Artie strangled the stock boy and the customer too.

Artie had planned on making the hit and quickly leave the area, but the time consumed in strangling two more people gave store security time to call 9-1-1, allowing the police to arrive and arrest Artie.

Of course, the murders attracted the attention of the local newspaper which published its headline in the following day’s paper: “ARTIE CHOKES THREE FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY.”

 

[Handley_Page]

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...

Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'Afellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do youtrust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes sir.'

Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

 

[EdEc]

Strange "Sports" Quotes:

Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
And,
"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to Prison for three years, not Princeton."

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

When I quit the football team after 10 days in my 3rd year of high school, my coach said to me,I"If you quit now, every time you watch a football game for the rest of our life, you'll think "I quitted".

 

[Handley_Page]

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

 

[Candy_Kane54]

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...

Here are the Testimonials of a few people who didn't....

FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'

I turned around and walked back out and never went back

My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.

I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.

After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.

He asked if he could help me.

Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls'

THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.

As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.

I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'

My sister started to laugh hysterically.

The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.

To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.

I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.

I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.

I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.

The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?

My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.

Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No.'

I kept thinking, 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'

'No,' he replied.

I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.

Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident?

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled, 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.

An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the province of B.C. laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bobby, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Now, didn't that feel good?

 

[Handley_Page]

Somewhere in this world-------an illiterate guy, who was an automobile workshop sweeper, unfortunately won the election and was given the job as health minister. he paid a surprise visit to a hospital with a large posse of media persons to get publicity and show off. He just entered a restricted ICU.

There were three patients in the ICU, one patient was connected to emergency oxygen cylinder. The other two patients were getting drips intravenous.

He glanced around the ICU and proudly posed before the media, pointed towards the critical patient on oxygen, and asked the doctor:

"Why is this patient on CNG and the other two are not?

The doctor understood the situation and showed the politician the IV tube attached to the patients and said:

"Sir these two or on gasoline.

 

[EdEc]

Confucious say, "Man who live on side of hill not on level.

 

[Handley_Page]

They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. He's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot,I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty except for two cars and they weren't mine.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then, I made the most difficult call of all to my husband: "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen." There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice. "Are you kidding me?" he barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
He retorted, "I will, just as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your damn car!"

 

[XerXesXu]

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough…

 

[Handley_Page]

The Five Stages Of Drunkenness



Stage 1 - CLEVER

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always right. And, of course, the person you are talking to is very wrong. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.



Stage 2 - ATTRACTIVE

This is when you realise that you are the most ATTRACTIVE person in the entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH

This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the room. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have a bottomless wallet. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course you are still CLEVER so, naturally, you will always win. Anyway, it doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, in the knowledge that you are clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present.


Stage 4 - INVINCIBLE

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because you are now INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or strength. You have no fear of losing this battle, because as well as being INVINCIBLE you are CLEVER, you're RICH and you're more ATTRACTIVE than them anyway.



Stage 5 - INVISIBLE

This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything, because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You can also snog the face off them for the same reason. You are also INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER you know all the words.



THE FIVE STAGES OF SOBERING UP

Stage 1 - STUPID

As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy the headache, the churning stomach and the cold sweats, you realise that you have lost not only several hours of your life but also the ability to concentrate on anything whatsoever. You are now STUPID and will remain so for a minimum of 12 hours.


Stage 2 - UGLY

Never entirely happy with the effects of the bathroom mirror first thing you are horrified to discover that you have now become even UGLIER than you previously thought possible. Not only have you bloodshot eyes and a glorious collection of spots but you are! shaking so much that your grandfather probably looks healthier. Unfortunately you are still too STUPID to know better than to try and shave whilst shaking.


Stage 3 - POOR

Having crawled out of bed and got dressed you are about to shamble out the door when you discover that the money that was to last you the week is now missing from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have no idea what happened to it but the traces of curry on your clothes allow the possibility that you might have treated everyone to a takeaway at some point. Alternatively your pocket could have been picked or you might have given the taxi driver a fifty-pound note by mistake. Rationalising that you couldn't possibly have been that STUPID and that you would remember being robbed, you come to believe that you were the only one who bought any food or drinks all night and start to loathe all your friends.



Stage 4 - FRAGILE

As you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your consequently FRAGILE self-esteem plummets. Your already FRAGILE physical condition ensures that you feel liable to shatter if anyone even speaks to you.



Stage 5 - CONSPICUOUS

This is the final stage of sobering up. Unfortunately, everyone can spot this CONSPICUOUS condition and its cause from a great distance. Even worse, they know that they can complete your misery by making fun of you, and that you are too STUPID to retaliate, too FRAGILE to hit them, too POOR to bribe them and too UGLY to hide.



THE HANGOVER SCALE



1 star hangover *

No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your slept in your own bed and when you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you. You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka + redbulls. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries.



2 star hangover * *

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.



3 star hangover * * *

Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive. Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because her perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen doughnuts and a litre of coke watching daytime TV. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.



4 star hangover * * * *

> You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You are wearing nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving or it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems (depending on your gender). Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from the second-grade class picture circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one of the following: Home time, doughnut and somewhere to be alone, or a time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before. You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.



5 star hangover * * * * *

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe ...very gently.



6 star hangover * * * * * *

You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes instantly; as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up. You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room. No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck. You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail. After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet. If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls. You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived.

Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark. With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent. You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils projectile out your mouth on the last occasion. It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed. She/He abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair.

You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital. Work is not an option.

===============================

 

[LexxRuthless]

I was talking with a younger fellow in my neighborhood who lives near the street corner. A car pulled up to the stoplight, driven by a woman who appeared to be in her early twenties. Her muffler was letting out some odd sort of vibrating, rattling sound but it wasn't terribly loud. This guy I'm talking to turns and looks over at the car and mutters, "I should tell her that her rear end is making funny noises."

Then he looked at me and wondered why I was laughing so hard.

 

[Handley_Page]

A man was driving down the road when a rabbit ran out in front of him.

He heard a loud bang. he stopped the car, got out and inspected the damage and found a large dent in his bumper and the creature dead by the side of the road.

A few moments later a woman pulled up in a car. she got out and had a look at what was going on. she proceeded to rummage through her bag. she pulled out a can and sprayed the creature with it. after a few moments it got up and hopped away.

The man watched on. it hopped a few metres then turned round and waved. then hopped a few metres and turned round and waved. the man asked the woman what she had sprayed it with. she handed him the can. the can read.... Hair spray... restores dead hair to life, and installs permanent wave!!!!!

 

[LexxRuthless]

***

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the province of B.C. laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bobby, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Now, didn't that feel good?

I quoted this joke to my wife last night, and it had her rolling...but not nearly as hard as my 16-year-old daughter. I hadn't realized that she was within earshot, until she let out a snort and shot soda out of her nose.

Does that make me a bad dad? I think 16 is old enough to appreciate that kind of humor.

 

[NotWise]

I quoted this joke to my wife last night, and it had her rolling...but not nearly as hard as my 16-year-old daughter. I hadn't realized that she was within earshot, until she let out a snort and shot soda out of her nose.

Does that make me a bad dad? I think 16 is old enough to appreciate that kind of humor.

She's probably heard worse from her friends. Hearing it from her dad might have caused some extra reaction.

 

[Handley_Page]

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a
young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL
tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly
how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his
peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."


The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his notebook and connected it to
a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the Internet where he
called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then
opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas.

He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a
response. Finally, he prints out a 150 -page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have
exactly 1586 sheep."

"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into
his car.

Then the shepherd says: " If I can tell you exactly what your business
is, will you give me back my sheep?"
"OK, why not." answered the young man.
"Clearly, you are a consultant," said the shepherd.
"That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here
although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I
already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap
about my business. Now, give me back my dog."

 

[Dingo_Triplesix]

Better for the yuppie. Clearly he tried to lay his hand on one of the sheep and to fuck it at home. But with the dog this may have gotten difficult...