More Humour

[Candy_Kane54]

A woman was at her hairdressers getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome! So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?!" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline! Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late! So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope!"

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser, "you and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman came in for another hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful!" explained the woman. "Not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot!"

"And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky because, as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me."

"Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really!? What'd he say?"

"He said, 'Where did you get that crappy hairdo?'"

 

[Handley_Page]

A guy is driving around Lossiemouth when he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yes," the Lab replies.

"So, what's the story?"

The Lab looks up and says: "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the RAF Regiment about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid," the man says.

"Ten quid? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that sh!te

 

[BuckyDuckman]

An old man goes for a walk when a toad hops into his path.

"Hey Mister, I know I look like a toad, but if you would give me a kiss, I'll transform back into a beautiful young princess."

"Cool," said the old man, picking up the toad and sticking it into his shirt pocket before continuing his stroll.

A few minutes later, the toad pokes her head out of his shirt pocket and reminds the man of her dilemma before adding, "Once I am restored, I will cater to your every need and desire."

"Cool," he said, poking the toad down and continuing his walk.

After a while, the toad once again sticks out her head and ups the ante. "Mister? I mean it. I'll do anything for you, including sex stuff. In exchange for a single kiss, I'll cater to your every desire no matter how sick or twisted it might be."

The old man shrugs. "I believe you, but at my age? I'd rather have a talking toad."

 

[Handley_Page]

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

 

[fma20fma]

hi

Husband: I cant tolerate your extravaganza anymore. What would it take to divorce you?

Angry wife: you win a lottery and give me half of it,and i will go away somewhere.

Husband: Great. i just won a lottery. I got 10 bucks. here is 5 for you. now please leave my house and dont ever try to contact me again. Bye.

 

[BuckyDuckman]

A wife is frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex and declares, "If you won't take care of my needs, then I'm going to start selling it on the street."

The husband laughs and says, "Have fun!"

In a huff, his wife storms out the front door and is gone the remainder of the evening, all night, and most of the morning before returning to their home to find her husband sitting at the breakfast table sipping coffee.

"So, how much did you make?" he asks with a disparaging smirk on his face.

"Fifteen dollars and twenty-five cents," she announces, sending her husband into a fit of uproarious laughter.

"Who the fuck gave you twenty-five cents?"

Wearing a big smile of her own, she replied, "Each of them did."

 

[Handley_Page]

Young Irish lad goes to confession.

“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”

“What is the nature of this sin, my son?”

“Father, I had sex with a young woman.”

“Oh dear,” the priest said. “That’s terrible. Was it with Margaret O’Toole?”
The young man paused before replying. “Father, what sort of gentleman would answer that?”

“Patrick, I insist. Was it Sally Finnegan?”

“No, Father. Please, don’t push this. I’m not going to tell you.”

“Patrick O’Rourke! This is not only about your sin and your soul; it’s also about hers. Now, be honest. Was it Mary McMichael?”

“No. I won’t tell you, Father.”

“I am very disappointed in you, Patrick. You are to do 100 Hail Mary’s and you are barred from Mass for four weeks.”

“Yes, Father.”

The man then leaves the church and is greeted by a friend of his.

“Well, Paddy,” his friend asks. “What did you get?”

He grinned. “Three good leads and a month’s vacation!

 

[Handley_Page]

The British military has the habit of compiling 'fitness reports' on it's officers.
This is a few of them:-
.

1. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
2. I would not breed from this Officer.
3. This man is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot.
4. This officer can be likened to a small puppy - he runs around excitedly, leaving little messes for other people to clean up.
5. This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, more of a definitely won't-be.
6. When she opens her mouth, it seems only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
7. Couldn't organise 50% leave in a 2 man submarine
8. He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
9. He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
10. Technically sound, but socially impossible.
11. The occasional flashes of adequacy are marred by an attitude of apathy and indifference.
12. When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
13. This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
14. This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope, always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
15. Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
16. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
17. He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
18. This Officer should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
19. In my opinion this pilot should not be authorised to fly below 250 feet.
20. The only ship I would recommend for this man is citizenship.
21. Couldn't organise a woodpecker's picnic in Sherwood Forest.
22. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
23. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
24. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
25. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
26. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
27. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
28. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
29. It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm.
30. A room temperature IQ.
31. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
32. A gross ignoramus, 143 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
33. He has a photographic memory but has the lens cover glued on.
34. He has been working with glue too long.
35. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
36. This man hasn't got enough grey matter to re-sole the flip-flop of a one legged budgie.
37. If two people are talking, and one looks bored, he's the other one.
38. One-celled organisms would out score him in an IQ test.
39. He donated his body to science before he was done using it.
40. Fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
41. He's so dense, light bends around him.
.

 

[Handley_Page]

A party of visitors were touring HMS Victory; including a rather superior Frenchwoman of a certain age who seemed to regard everyone as her servant.
On the gun-deck, surrounded by all the bits necessary, she asked
"Are these the actual cannonballs used at Trafalgar ?"

The guide, who had been getting rather peeved with this woman, calmly replied

"No Madam, your Navy still has them."

 

[Rustyoznail]

The British military has the habit of compiling 'fitness reports' on it's officers.
This is a few of them:-
.
.
.
.

Oh, they describe so many people I've worked with.

 

[fma20fma]

hi

Oh, they describe so many people I've worked with.

will it be ok to say-suits many present day politicians and bureaucrats perhaps!!!!

 

[Handley_Page]

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney. I heard prostitutes there get paid
$400 for doing what I do for you for free."
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and
sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too I want
to see how you can live on $800 a year".

 

[Handley_Page]

Two guys are driving along in a car when they see two dogs mating in someone’s yard. The driver says, “That is great. My wife and I do that position every night.”
The passenger replies,
“My wife is conservative, she likes it the old-fashioned way. But if you tell me how you get your wife to do this, I would like to try it.”
The driver says, “Give your wife two drinks and she will be all set.”
The next morning they’re cruising along and the driver asks,
“How was it?”
The passenger answers, “It was great, but it took my wife ten drinks.”
The driver looks at him funny and says,
“Ten drinks?”
The passenger says,
“Yes. After two she was more than willing to make love that way, but it took eight more to get her out on the front lawn!”

 

[Candy_Kane54]

A golfer is walking down to his golf course, carrying his clubs, when he sees an Arab being held up at gunpoint. He pulls out a wedge, creeps up behind the gunman and smashes it over the back of his head, knocking him unconscious.

"You probably saved my life," says the grateful Arab. "I am a member of the Saudi Royal Family and I have the power and money to give you anything you desire as a reward."

The golfer glances at his golf bag. "Well, some golf clubs would be nice," he says.

Two weeks later, the Sheikh's secretary calls the golfer. "We've got your golf clubs," she says, "but the Sheikh would like to apologize to you in advance: two of them don't have swimming pools."

 

[Handley_Page]

Working Calculations

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over100%.How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:


If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K -------> 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E ---------> 11+14+15+23+12+5+ 4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E -----------> 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T -----------> 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%


AND, look how far a55 kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G -------------- > 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullsh1t and A55 kissing that will put you over the top.

 

[BuckyDuckman]

Working Calculations

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullsh1t and A55 kissing that will put you over the top.

Sadly, too true.

Also, going the extra mile is always a good idea, unless you're a taxi driver.

- - - - -

When I got to work this morning, my boss stormed up to me and said, “You missed work yesterday, didn’t you?”

“No, not particularly," I replied.

- - - - -

 

[jehoram]

In a similar vein, here's why people with lots of money don't know shit:

Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as administrators and sales people."

This theorem can now be proved mathematically:

Given: Power = Work / Time and Knowledge = Power

Substituting Knowledge for Power, we obtain:

Knowledge = Work/ Time

If time = money, then:

Knowledge = Work/ Money

Solving this equation for money, we obtain:

Money = Work/ Knowledge

Therefore, as knowledge approaches zero, money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion: the less you know, the more you make.

by Mike Yost

Sent in byKate Fowler, Denver, Colorado

[ As Read on Car Talk ]

 

[Handley_Page]

Bono, the lead singer of the band U2 is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.
He is playing a U2 concert in Glasgow , Scotland when he asks the audience for total quiet.
Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds.
Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice with a broad Scottish accent, from near the front of the crowd, pierces the silence............. "Well, stop fookin doin it then!"

 

[fma20fma]

hi

Q: where were you born?
A: in Liverpool.
Q: which part?
A: not by parts. i was born full.

 

[Handley_Page]

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!


Moral of this story...

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bull**** and brilliance only come with age and experience.

 

[EdEc]

True story. I was working a part-time job in a liquor store that was located in a strip mall. The female security guard would often stop in to chat with me. One afternoon she asked me, "What sign were you born under?" I immediately replied, "St. Margaret's Hospital". She was stymied and my co-workers had a good laugh.

 

[Candy_Kane54]

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!'

'Nonsense,' the doctor said...'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'

'It isn't possible,' the man insisted. 'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'

"Well, said the doctor, let me ask you this.

How often do you have sex???"

THE man seemed a bit ashamed..'I've been working very hard for the past year. We onlymade love once or twice every few months.'

'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently....

"It's Rust.."

 

[Handley_Page]

Cursed with a bald head and a wooden leg, a man is surprised to learn that he’s been invited to a fancy dress party. Deciding that he might pull it off if he wears a costume to hide his head and leg, he writes to a theatrical outfitters asking them for advice.
A few days later, he receives a parcel from the company with a note that says,
“Dear Sir. Please find enclosed a pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head, and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a buccaneer.”

Unfortunately, the man finds this deeply insulting, as they have so clearly emphasized his wooden leg, so he fires off a letter of complaint. A week passes before the postman delivers another parcel with a note that reads,
“Dear Sir, sorry about our previous suggestion – pleased find enclosed a monk’s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.”

This infuriates the man again, because they have simply switched from emphasizing his wooden leg to his balding head, so he writes the company another letter of complaint. The next day he receives a tiny parcel and a hastily scrawled note, which reads:
“Dear Sir, please find enclosed a tin of treacle. Pour it over your head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple, you grumpy tw*t.”

 

[Candy_Kane54]

A priest and a nun were sitting at a table in a restaurant, having lunch.

The priest said to the nun, “Tell me, sister, if you hadn’t become a nun, what would you have done with your life? What would you have been?

The nun answered, “A prostitute.”

The priest literally fell out of his chair onto the floor. Slowly, he clawed his way back into his seat, short of breath and his face as red as a tomato.

“What did you say?” gasped the priest.

“A prostitute,” replied the nun.

The priest then exclaimed, “Oh thank God! I thought you said a Protestant!”

 

[Handley_Page]

We have all had bad dates...but this takes the cake. This just tells you how tough it is to be single nowadays. This was on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno.
Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter ... snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.
The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.
They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking.

All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance"! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.

Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As for the Tonight Show ... she took the prize hands down ... or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing.
Jay Leno's comment - - - - This gives a whole new meaning to being "pi$$ed off."