More Humour

[Lori_the_Hoosier]

Olaf the Viking is shopping at a supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears.
"What's the matter?" asks Olaf.
"Oh," sobs the old lady. "I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you can see, there are three steps down into the chiller cabinets."
"No problem," says Olaf, lifting her onto his back. "I'll take you."
Olaf strolls through the chiller cabinets with the old lady on his back. She selects several puddings and puts them in the basket he is carrying for her.
At the other end the old lady's husband is waiting with her wheelchair.
"I'd really like to thank you," says the old lady as Olaf sets her back down in the chair, "but I don't even know who you are!"
Olaf just waves and walks off.
"I was really worried about you," says the old lady's husband. "What have you been doing?"
She replies, "Well, I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name."

And just for that gag you deserve a night on the rack being repeatedly poked by a vampire numbat with a red-hot sharpened screwdriver...

 

[Rustyoznail]

And just for that gag you deserve a night on the rack being repeatedly poked by a vampire numbat with a red-hot sharpened screwdriver...

Oh please.

As long as you’re watching.

 

[slutindianwife]

Oh please.

As long as you’re watching.

And now the voyeurs started joining in.

 

[Rustyoznail]

And now the voyeurs started joining in.

As long as you bring some Kingfisher.

 

[Rustyoznail]

I knew a champion pirate boxer.

He had a killer right hook...

 

[Tio_Narratore]

And then there was the day Quasimodo was ringing the bells so exuberantly that he ran right off the campanile and plunged into the river below. As he bobbed to the surface, he realized he was still holding the bell rope. Even more joyous now, he began pulling on the rope and burst into song:

"I'm ringing in the Seine, just ringing in the Seine . . ."

 

[Handley_Page]

^^^ Groan ^^^


A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say -,"
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

 

[RejectReality]

For some reason, this one was begging me to rewrite it into a Colin Mochrie Weird Newscasters open.

Welcome to the six o'clock news, I'm your anchor, Dick Hitswater. Our top story today...

A near tragedy was averted at the Jello plant when several enormous vats ruptured simultaneously, stranding an elderly worker in the back of the building. Witnesses say a large Scandinavian man appeared from nowhere, waded into the sea of gelatin and pudding, hefted her onto his shoulders, and carried her to safety. The Good Samaritan vanished as mysteriously as he had appeared before anyone could thank him, or even get his name.

Upon calling the home of the fortunate worker, we reached her husband, who was astounded to learn what had transpired. He commented, "I thought she was going senile. She came home and told me she'd traveled through the desserts on a Norse with no name."

Olaf the Viking is shopping at a supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears.
"What's the matter?" asks Olaf.
"Oh," sobs the old lady. "I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you can see, there are three steps down into the chiller cabinets."
"No problem," says Olaf, lifting her onto his back. "I'll take you."
Olaf strolls through the chiller cabinets with the old lady on his back. She selects several puddings and puts them in the basket he is carrying for her.
At the other end the old lady's husband is waiting with her wheelchair.
"I'd really like to thank you," says the old lady as Olaf sets her back down in the chair, "but I don't even know who you are!"
Olaf just waves and walks off.
"I was really worried about you," says the old lady's husband. "What have you been doing?"
She replies, "Well, I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name."

 

[Rustyoznail]

For some reason, this one was begging me to rewrite it into a Colin Mochrie Weird Newscasters open.

Welcome to the six o'clock news, I'm your anchor, Dick Hitswater. Our top story today...

A near tragedy was averted at the Jello plant when several enormous vats ruptured simultaneously, stranding an elderly worker in the back of the building. Witnesses say a large Scandinavian man appeared from nowhere, waded into the sea of gelatin and pudding, hefted her onto his shoulders, and carried her to safety. The Good Samaritan vanished as mysteriously as he had appeared before anyone could thank him, or even get his name.

Upon calling the home of the fortunate worker, we reached her husband, who was astounded to learn what had transpired. He commented, "I thought she was going senile. She came home and told me she'd traveled through the desserts on a Norse with no name."

Well done! It is a Colin-eque type of pun.

 

[RejectReality]

Well done! It is a Colin-eque type of pun.

I do a lot of channeling Colin in my story titles. This is how I productively spent all my muse time at work today. The scene I need to transition a day in "One Whore's Town" will have to wait until tomorrow.

My head canon says that the pudding in the previous post was most certainly tapioca.

 

[Handley_Page]

The New York Police Department were investigating the mysterious death of a prominent businessman who had jumped from a window of his 11th-story office.

Jill, his voluptuous private secretary could offer no explanation for the action but said that her boss had been acting peculiarly ever since she started working for him, a month ago. "After my very first week on the job," Jill said, "I received a $20 raise."
"At the end of the 2nd week he called me into his private office, gave me a lovely black nightie, five pairs of silk stockings and said, 'These are for a beautiful efficient secretary."
"At the end of the third week he gave me a fabulous watch."

"Then, this afternoon, he called me into his private office again, presented me with this fabulous diamond bracelet and asked me if I could consider making love to him and what it would cost."

"I told him that I would, and because he had been so nice to me, he could have it for $5, although I was charging all the other guys in the office ten." "That's when he jumped out the window."

 

[Lori_the_Hoosier]

I've just been told that the reason girls mature faster than boys is because boys don't usually develop breasts until their 40's...

 

[Handley_Page]

This was an actual letter from and a reply to the Mich. Dept. of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan


Reply To: Grand Rapids District Office
State Office Building 6th Floor
350 Ottawa NW
Grand Rapids MI 49503-2341

John Engler, Governor Russell J. Harding,
Director Department Of Environmental Quality
Hollister Building,
PO Box 30473,
Lansing MI 48909-7973

December 17, 1997 CERTIFIED MAIL

Mr. Ryan De Vries
2088 Dagget
Pierson, MI 49339

Dear Mr. DeVries:

SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023-1 T11N, R10W, Sec. 20, Montcalm County

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued.

Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted.

The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all unauthorized activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the strewn channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 1998.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.

Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative
Land and Water Management Division ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++






RESPONSE

Dear Mr. Price:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N, R10W, Sec 20; Montcalm County

Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to. You sent out a great deal of carbon copies to a lot of people, but you neglected to include their addresses. You will, therefore, have to send them a copy of my response.

First of all, Mr. Ryan De Vries is not the legal landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan - I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they
would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natural building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they first must fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is: (1) are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994,being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is - aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation - so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence which the department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition - please contact the beavers - but if you are going to arrest them (they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter-being unable to read English) -- be sure they are read the Miranda rights first.

As for me, I am not going to cause more flooding or dam debris jams by interfering with these dam builders. If you want to hurt these dam beavers-be aware I am sending a copy of your dam letter and this response to PETA. If your dam Department seriously finds all dams of this nature inherently hazardous and truly will not permit their existence in this State - I seriously hope you are not selectively enforcing this dam policy - or once again both I and the Spring Pond Beavers will scream prejudice!

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam right than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/98? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then. In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears. Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office via another government organization - the dam USPS. Maybe, someday, it will get there.

Sincerely,

Stephen L. Tvedten

 

[TarnishedPenny]

As long as we're on the Norse theme, there's the tale of a huge fire at a chemical factory well out in the country. The factory fire team was overwhelmed and a call went out to all fire departments in the surrounding area, many of which were volunteer departments, men and women with older equipment and not-entirely-thorough training.

Dozens of fire fighters started arriving, but the flames kept growing. To spur them on, the plant manager offered a $100,000 cash bonus to whoever could extinguish the blaze.

From out of nowhere, a rattletrap old fire trucks full of old, almost ancient, Scandinavian farmers roared up to the scene. Straight through the police lines they hurtled, down the laneway and straight into the very heart of the fire.

Old men bailed out like Viking raiders from a longboat and had hoses deployed in a split-second. Showing amazing teamwork, the old men soon had water going in every direction. Even professional firemen were awestruck. The flames started to die down and the oldsters pressed their advantage, advancing further. In minutes, the fire was out and the old guys started to roll up their hoses, water and perspiration dripping.

A reporter darted in, mic in hand. Running up to one of them, he congratulated them on an amazing job, then asked, "So what will you fellows be doing with that $100,000 prize?"

The old man thought for a moment. "De first t'ing we be doing is to get dem fookin' brakes fixed!"

 

[Candy_Kane54]

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new 2021 BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man named Cliff in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Apple iPhone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple iPad® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Galaxy S21® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government," says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know sh*t about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep”

“Now give me back my dog.”

 

[BuckyDuckman]

A guy who works for Budweiser, one who works for Miller, and another who works for Guinness walk into a bar.

The first man loudly orders, "I'll have a Bud!"

The second man loudly orders, "I'll have a Miller!"

The third guy says, "I'll have a water."

Everyone looks surprised.

The third guy shrugs and says, "Hey, if they're not going to drink a beer, why should I?"

 

[Handley_Page]

One day Little Red decided to go visit her Grandmother in the forest. So she's skipping merrily down the trail that leads to Granny's.
She meets up with the Squirrel and Squirrel says: "Hey Little Red you better not keep going down this trail because the Big Bad Wolf is down there and he's gonna pull up your dress and play with your titties!"
"Oh No he's not!" replied Little Red. So she keeps going down the trail, merrily. She meets up with Rabbit and Rabbit says: "Hey Little Red you better not keep going down this trail because the Big Bad Wolf is down there and he's gonna pull up your dress and play with your titties!"
"Oh No he's not!" replied Little Red.
So onward she went. Sure enough a little while later she meets up with the Big Bad Wolf. The Big Bad Wolf says: "Hey Red you shouldn't have kept coming down this trail because now I'm going to pull up your dress and play with your titties."
She pulls out a .44 Magnum and says: "Oh no you're not. You're gonna eat me just like the book says."

 

[Lori_the_Hoosier]

My uncle Zack committed suicide by drinking a gallon of varnish; he had a horrible end, but a lovely finish.

 

[Tio_Narratore]

Little Red Riding Hood was out for a walk in the woods when a big bad wolf jumped out from behind a tree.

"What are you going to do?" Little Red asked nervously.

"I'm going to eat you, Little Red," he answered.

"Shit! Doesn't anyone fuck anymore?" she said disappointedly.

 

[fma20fma]

hi

One terrorist asked the other: what will happen if the bomb you are planting explodes while you are at it?

He replied: I always carry a spare one in my hip bag.

 

[Handley_Page]

The differences between good girls and bad girls

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot. Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.
Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines.
Good girls blush during sex scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could do it better.
Good girls wear white cotton panties. Bad girls don't wear any.
Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.
Good girls only own one credit card and rarley use it. Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.
Good girls pack their toothbrush. Bad girls pack their diaphragms.
Goodgirls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to bed.
Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have sex. Bad girls think no place is the wrong place.
Good girls prefer the missionary position. Bad girls do too, but only for starters.
Good girls say 'no'. Bad girls say 'when?'

 

[Candy_Kane54]

The differences between good girls and bad girls

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot. Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.
Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines.
Good girls blush during sex scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could do it better.
Good girls wear white cotton panties. Bad girls don't wear any.
Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.
Good girls only own one credit card and rarley use it. Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.
Good girls pack their toothbrush. Bad girls pack their diaphragms.
Goodgirls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to bed.
Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have sex. Bad girls think no place is the wrong place.
Good girls prefer the missionary position. Bad girls do too, but only for starters.
Good girls say 'no'. Bad girls say 'when?'

Meat Loaf - Good Girls Go To Heaven (Bad Girls Go Everywhere)

 

[BuckyDuckman]

The differences between good girls and bad girls

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot. Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.
Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines.
Good girls blush during sex scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could do it better.
Good girls wear white cotton panties. Bad girls don't wear any.
Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.
Good girls only own one credit card and rarley use it. Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.
Good girls pack their toothbrush. Bad girls pack their diaphragms.
Goodgirls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to bed.
Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have sex. Bad girls think no place is the wrong place.
Good girls prefer the missionary position. Bad girls do too, but only for starters.
Good girls say 'no'. Bad girls say 'when?'

Good girls go out, go home and go to bed.
Bad girls go out, go to bed, and then go home.

 

[Lori_the_Hoosier]

Good girls go out, go home and go to bed.
Bad girls go out, go to bed, and then go home.

And blondes go out, go to bed, then go 'who's next?'

 

[fma20fma]

hi

Policeman stopped the motorist....breath analyzer....I think you heve consumed alcohol.....driver replied...Yes, I have sanitized my mouth before driving in public and my interior body organs also in the interest of public safety. thanks to covid.