More Humour

[Heather01]

Man in a Movie Theatre

An old man lay awkwardly sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theatre

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,

"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient.

"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment returned with the manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to get the old disheveled man to respond, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly, then asked, "All right, buddy, what's your name?"

"Fred," the old man moaned.

"Where you from, Fred?" asked the police officer.

With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied;

"The balcony"......

 

[Handley_Page]

Junior, curious about some words he saw on the bathroom wall asked,
"Mom, what's a pussy?"
Mom remained calm, showed him a picture of a cat and said, "That's a pussy, son.
A pussy is a kitty cat."
"What's a bitch, then?" inquired the precocious little tyke.
Mom got the dictionary out and said, "See, the dictionary says a bitch is a female dog."
Not satisfied, he asked his father what a pussy was.
Pops dutifully trotted out a girlie mag from his sock drawer, drew a circle around the genital region and said, "That's a pussy right there, son. And a fine specimen it is, too."
"Well, what's a bitch, then?" asked Junior.
"That's everything outside the circle."

 

[Heather01]

I bought my wife a pug recently.

Despite the flat nose, ugly wrinkles and bulging eyes, the pug likes my wife.

 

[Heather01]

A man comes home to his wife and cheerfully proclaims: “the doctor said I can pleasure myself whenever I want to!”

The wife took the paper he got after the appointment, looks at it for a second and says,

“Harold, this here says you could have a stroke at any time!”

 

[Heather01]

A man was talking to his therapist about finding the right woman. A man was sitting in his therapist’s office telling him about how he finally managed to find the right woman, after a whopping 3 divorces.

He says, “well the first wife was quite the fireball and we had good chemistry, but she was a fitness instructor and during sex always yelled ‘HARDER! STRONGER! KEEP UP THAT HEART RATE!’ and at some point I just couldn’t keep up... so we split.”

“Well,” said the therapist, “what about the second wife?”

The man replied, “the second wife was a great woman and I really have great respect for her, but she was a teacher and during sex would always scold me to ‘DO IT AGAIN! DO IT BETTER!’ and at some point my I’ve wore thin and I had to leave.”

“When you don’t feel a connection anymore, leaving is the only option” said the therapist. “And the third?”

“The third was a wonderful young spirit, the only thing was that she was a Formula 1 driver and would constantly yell ‘FASTER! FASTER! PICK UP THE PACE!’ when we made love - it became unbearable so yet again we had to part ways.

“With this sort of luck I don’t blame you for being down on yourself... and what about now? You are married again?” Asked the therapist.

“Oh yes, now I have the perfect woman!!” Said the man.

“She’s a construction worker, so every time we have sex there is no stress... if I ever get tired she says, ‘Ah, fuck it, this can wait ‘til tomorrow.’”

 

[Heather01]

A good man dies and goes to heaven where God, impressed by the man's life record, grants him one final wish.

"Well, God, I know this seems petty, but I've never won at blackjack."

That's okay, my friend, God says, and He snaps His fingers and He and the man are sitting at a blackjack table in Vegas. The man puts up a $1,000 bet. The dealer's showing a 6 and the man's showing a 17. The man signals the dealer to stand pat but God interrupts and tells the man to take a card. The man doesn't want to, but, hey, it's God, so he feels he has to.

The man nods to the dealer and the dealer gives him an ace, improving his hand to an 18.

The man says, "Un-fucking- believable!" The man's thrilled. But God nudges him and whispers, "Take another card!" The man is even more reluctant but feels he has no choice. He asks for another card and, wow! another ace.

"Un-fucking-believable!" the man says, thrilled.

But God's not yet satisfied and tells the man to take yet another card, and so he does.

Another ace to give him a 20.

"Un-fucking-believable!" the man says, even more excited now that he has an almost unbeatable hand.

But God says, "Take another!" Now the man turns green, knowing that it's almost certain one more card will bust the hand. The man shakes his head "no."

"Take it!" God says. The man does, and the dealer comes up with another ace, giving the man 21.

God says, "Un-fucking-believable!"

 

[Heather01]

Two friends met at the neighborhood supermarket.

When they got to the checkout one of the ladies started rummaging through her purse for her wallet, she took out a few things, including a TV remote.

“Do you always take the remote with you when you go shopping?” The other woman laughed.

“No,” the woman answered “But I asked my husband if he wanted to help me shop and he said no, I asked him if I could take the car and he replied that as long as I left him the TV, I could take whatever I wanted and get out of the house.

So I turned to the fashion channel and told him he had nothing to worry about.

 

[Handley_Page]

Two men stood at the pearly gates, & one asks the other,
'How did you die then?'
'I froze to death,' he replied 'How about you?'
'Well I thought my wife was having an affair so i came home in the middle of the day to try and catch her out. When I got there sure enough there she was in bed with a big smile on her face but no bloke in sight,'
'What did you do then?'
'I searched the house, I ran down to the basement searched there, Ran up to the first floor-searched there, then up to the second floor searched there and found nothing, finally I ran up to the attic and that's where i had my heart attack,'
To which the other man replied,
'You stupid s#d you should have checked the freezer!'

 

[BobbyBrandt]

Dreyfus and his wife had relocated to a new town.

After a few months his wife was excited to tell him that she had made an appointment for him with the new dentist that she had found for them.

Dreyfus didn't exactly hate dentists, but they weren't his favorite experience in life. He decided to have a little fun with the new one.

Just before walking into the new dentist's office at the appointed time, Dreyfus placed an eye patch over his left eye. The dental hygienist performed her routine normally, and finally the dentist entered the room.

The two men exchanged greetings and pleasantries while the dentist examined the x-rays. The dentist set the x-rays aside and said, "Everything looks good, but your could use a yearly cleaning."

"Go ahead," Dreyfus said.

As the dentist prepared for the procedure, he asked, "Do you mind if I ask what happened to your eye?"

Without missing a beat, Dreyfus said, "Oh, that's just an old dental accident."

The cleaning had to be rescheduled as the staff tried to revive the dentist.

 

[yaturtle]

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[Handley_Page]

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Wrong thread ???
++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A bear and a rabbit are walking through the forest when they find a magic lamp. they rub it out comes a genie who grants them 3 wishes each.

The bear says I want all the bears in this forest to be female so I can fcuk them all. The genie grants his wish and the bears goes off and fcuks all the female bears.

The rabbit asks for a motorbike. The genie grants his wish and he sits there revving his motorbike.

The bear comes back and asks for all the bears in the country to be female so he can fcuk them all. The genie grants the wish and off he trots.

The rabbit asks for a crash helmet. Genie grants the wish and the rabbit sits there revving hell out of the motor bike.

The bear now slightly sore returns and asks for all the bears in the world to be female so he can fcuk them all. The genie grants his wish.

The rabbit how is revving the hell out of the motorbike is asked by the genie for his 3rd and final wish.
He looks at the bear and says i want that tw*t to be gay, and speeds off.

 

[EdEc]

An old man lay awkwardly sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theatre

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,

"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient.

"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment returned with the manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to get the old disheveled man to respond, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly, then asked, "All right, buddy, what's your name?"

"Fred," the old man moaned.

"Where you from, Fred?" asked the police officer.

With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied;

"The balcony"......

This is funny.

 

[DGHear2]

A million bucks

An elderly couple were going out to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.
The husband put on a pair of slacks and a nice shirt, then sat down and was reading the paper.

His wife hated getting older and dressed in clothes made for a 20 yr old. A tight, short dress way above her knees that was low cut but since her boobs were so low it didn't show much. The next thing she did was put on makeup. It was way to thick trying to cover up her wrinkles and her eyebrows were dark and tried to make them look like cat eyes. Her lipstick was way over her lip line. She even put on rouge, two big red spots on her cheeks.

When she walked into the room her husband looked at her and lifted up the paper so she couldn't see him laughing. After all even with her quirks he has loved this woman his whole life. He had to admit to himself she looked like a clown.

She looked at him and asked, "Honey, how do I look?"
He never lied to her and answered, "You look like a million bucks".
Do you mean that, she replied. You never seen a million bucks.
He answered, "That's right honey. You look like something I never seen."

This is the first joke I posted in many years. I remember starting this thread back in 2005 or so. I gave it up and Handley_Page was nice enough to take it over.
DG Hear

 

[Heather01]

Three widows are at a crematory collecting their deceased husband's ashes and after mourning for some time, they begin to talk about what they plan to do with their lover's ashes.

The first widow says, "John was very outdoorsman, enjoyed hiking, rock climbing and nature, so I'm going to spread his ashes off the top of a mountain." The other two widows comment on the sincerety of the gesture.

The second widow states, "Adam loved the ocean, from surfing in his youth, to scuba diving, and deep sea fishing, so I'm going to spread his ashes over some coral reef." Again the other widows find this very sweet.

The attention comes to the third widow and out of desperation she says, "Bob didn't like to do really much of anything than to make love, so I think I'm going to spread his ashes in some chilli so he can tear my ass up one last time.

 

[Heather01]

These two guys had both just got divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.

They got up there and went into a trader’s store and told him, “Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year.” The trader got the gear together and on top of each one’s supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole. They guys asked, “What’s that board for?”

The trader said, “Well, where you’re going there are no women and you might need this.”

They said, "No way! We've sworn off women for life! Women are nothing but trouble."

The trader said, “Well, take the boards with you, and if you don’t use them I’ll refund your money next year.”

“Okay” they said, and left.

The following year one of the guys came into the trader’s store and said “Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year.”

The trader said, “Weren’t you here last year with a partner?”

“Yeah,” said the guy.

“Where is he?” asked the trader.

“I shot him”, said the guy.

“Why?”

“I caught him in bed with my board.”

 

[Handley_Page]

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said aloud, "Lord, grant me one wish. "Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the LORD said.
"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish"
The man said "Please Lord build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I wish"
The Lord said "Your request is very materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific, the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me"

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord I wish that I could understand women, I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy".

The Lord said "Do want two or four lanes on that bridge?"

 

[Handley_Page]

.
.
He answered, "That's right honey. You look like something I never seen."

This is the first joke I posted in many years. I remember starting this thread back in 2005 or so. I gave it up and Handley_Page was nice enough to take it over.
DG Hear

Kipper, it is Good to see you.
How you doin' ?

==========================

A Vampire Bat arrives back at his cave with his face full of blood dripping down his furry face. All the other Vampire bats gathered round him in a total frenzy of excitement. They all asked where he got it from.

"Follow Me" .............he says as he beckoned with his wing.

Off they flew, over hills, down dales over rivers into the night sky ...to a dark forest.

The Bat stopped, hovered and says" You see that big, big Oak tree there"?

"Yes" they all said with anticipation..

"WELL I F**ING DIDN`T ...........said the Bat.

 

[DGHear2]

THANKS FOR THE WELCOME Back! I'll try to ad a little humor a couple of times a week.

Here's an oldie, o0f course all jokes a my age will be old.
A little boy walks in on his parents having sex and asks, "Daddy, What are you doing to mommy?"
The Dad thinks quickly and says' "I'm filling her up with gas."
The so says, "gee, mom gets bad millage, the mailman just filled her us this morning."

Kipper, it is Good to see you.
How you doin' ?

==========================

A Vampire Bat arrives back at his cave with his face full of blood dripping down his furry face. All the other Vampire bats gathered round him in a total frenzy of excitement. They all asked where he got it from.

"Follow Me" .............he says as he beckoned with his wing.

Off they flew, over hills, down dales over rivers into the night sky ...to a dark forest.

The Bat stopped, hovered and says" You see that big, big Oak tree there"?

"Yes" they all said with anticipation..

"WELL I F**ING DIDN`T ...........said the Bat.

 

[Zionisacat]

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are all taking the elevator up to their office jobs. There's a suspicious small puddle in the corner of the elevator.
The brunette exclaims "That looks like semen!"
The redhead goes over and smells it, "It smells like semen!"
The blonde goes over, dips her finger in it and tastes it "No one from our office."

 

[Handley_Page]

An Irish pilot lands on the runway, and comes to a halt a bare inch from the end. Turning to his co-pilot he says "bejesus but that was a short runway!".
The co-pilot looks out to either side and replies "Bloody wide though!"

 

[Hypoxia]

An Irish pilot lands on the runway, and comes to a halt a bare inch from the end. Turning to his co-pilot he says "bejesus but that was a short runway!".
The co-pilot looks out to either side and replies "Bloody wide though!"

That would be quite a normal landing for a gyroplane in a crosswind, even with an English pilot.

 

[AvroAnsonXIX]

That would be quite a normal landing for a gyroplane in a crosswind, even with an English pilot.

Friends sent away -- to Vortec in NJ USA -- for plans and built a Bensen autogyro. Boy it's fun. The powered one seater is 103 compliant and its head mounted "T" bar controller works exactly the opposite way compared to a helicopter's flight control stick. That detail keeps you thinking.

 

[Handley_Page]

Friends sent away -- to Vortec in NJ USA -- for plans and built a Bensen autogyro. Boy it's fun. The powered one seater is 103 compliant and its head mounted "T" bar controller works exactly the opposite way compared to a helicopter's flight control stick. That detail keeps you thinking.

"103" compliant? presumably some Regulation or other ?

+ + + + + + + + + +

Bedroom Golf

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play. Normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on the course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object of the game is to get the club in the hole and keep balls out of the hole.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check for stiffness . before play.
5. The object of the game is to make as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied to play the course again.
6. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played in the past to the present course owner. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.
10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what is considered to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times, some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to find alternative means of play when this is the case.
12. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.
13. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner request.
14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
16. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

 

[AvroAnsonXIX]

US Federal Aviation Regulation Part 103 (1982) established performance criteria beneath which no pilot license was required (ultra light aircraft) like all FARs it's been adopted or adapted in many countries.

 

[Handley_Page]

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'

'No, madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15 but please carry on'