More Humour

[Rustyoznail]

“How was your golf game, dear?” asks Jacko’s wife.

“Well I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad I couldn’t see where the ball went.”

“Well you’re 75 years old now, Jacko, why don’t you take my brother Scott along?” suggests his wife.

“But he’s 85 and doesn’t even play golf any more,” protests Jack.

“But he’s got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball,” his wife points out.

The next day Jack tees off with Scott looking on.

Jack swings, and the ball disappears into the rough of the fairway.

“Do you see it?” asks Jack.

“Yup,” Scott answers.

“Well, where is it?” yells Jack, peering off into the distance.

“I forget.”

 

[Handley_Page]

The Buttocks

A married couple were in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So his wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.
He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. ‘How can I possibly repay you?'

'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'

 

[TarnishedPenny]

A man lost his penis in a terrible accident. Understandably depressed, he started a search for some restorative treatment. Eventually, he found a surgeon who was experimenting with transplanting the tip of a baby elephant’s trunk. The surgeon told him that this was entirely experimental, that it had never actually been tried in real life. Feeling he had nothing to lose however, he agreed to be the first test case.

The surgery went well and the young fellow was discharged from the hospital. Rather anxious to see if his new appendage would work, he invited a very pretty young woman out to a fine restaurant in hopes of, shall we say, a trial run.

Partway through the meal however, there came the sound of his zipper slowly being undone under the table. The girl looked at him in surprise, especially as both of his hands were on the table.

All of a sudden, the trunk comes whipping out from under the table, seized a bun from the breadbowl on the table and disappeared under the table again.

Amazed, she stared at him with wide eyes.

“Wow! Can you do that again?”

He thought for a second.

“I suppose so,” he replied slowly, “but I’m not sure my bum could take another hard roll.”

 

[Handley_Page]

Barman:- That will be 2.30 please sir.

Punter sips and says:- That beer`s like sex in a boat

Barman:- That good ?

Punter:- No, It`s Fcukin close to water ...

 

[fma20fma]

hi

teacher: Peter your homework is incomplete and all wrong. I want to meet your dad tomorrow to talk about this.
Peter: You said it right teacher, because my dad did the homework to help me out.

 

[Handley_Page]

Little Miss Rich-Bitch got done for speeding in her super-duper sports wagon.
The polceman stood [patiently while she [finally] wound down the window:-
"Do you know who my Father is" ? she enquired
"No", said the Policeman taking out his book.
"and I doubt your mother does, either"

 

[Handley_Page]

Little Johnny was playing in his room when his dad walked in and explained that he and his mom were getting a divorce.
"Why Daddy?" asked a confused Little Johnny.
"Well, son" he explained, "Your mother and I are no longer in love."
Now more confused, Little Johnny asked, "What does being in love mean?"
"Let me give you an example, son. Love is when a husband rushes home from a long day at work to embrace and kiss his wife at the door. Your mom and I have lost that love."
"But Daddy, I see Mommy getting excited lots of times right when you come home, so she must still be in love with you."
"I don't understand, son. When has your mother recently been excited when I arrive home from work?"
"Well, sometimes when Mommy is still sleeping in bed with the neighbor, and you pull into the driveway, she shouts at the top of her lungs, "My husband's home! My husband's home!"

 

[fma20fma]

hi

john desperately needed a job,joined a computer software company with a fake certificate. worked long hours on the first day. The boss was impressed ad said" I like your dedication man..keep it up... ad by the way what did you do for such a long time with so much concentration? john said,"i found the key board was all jumbled and not in alphabetic order. so i reset them.

 

[Handley_Page]

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please".
The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?"
The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber ?".

 

[Rustyoznail]

If a cougar needs a hearing aid…

Is she a Def Leopard?

 

[TxRad]

If a cougar needs a hearing aid…

Is she a Def Leopard?

There's a one armed drummer joke in there somewhere.

 

[Handley_Page]

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it.
After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.
Please remain in your seats with your seat-belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline."
He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

 

[jehoram]

Another airline story:

A German pilot was taxiing his Lufthansa jetliner at Munich, requesting clearance for takeoff to Berlin. The tower responded: "Please state your intentions in English, not German." (English is the universal language of commercial aviation.)

The pilot snapped back, in English, "Requesting clearance for takeoff. But listen: I'm a German, flying a German airplane from one German airport to another German airport. Why on earth can't I talk to you in German?"

A voice came over the radio from a pilot who overheard the conversation, "Because you lost the bloody war, bloke!"

 

[Candy_Kane54]

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusted off a bottle from the shelf and gave it to him.

The CEO of Budweiser said, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gave him one.

The Coors chief said, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." The bartender got it.

The Guinness man sat down and stated, "Give me a Coke." The bartender was a little taken aback, but gave it to him.

The other brewery presidents looked at him and asked, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?"

The Guinness president replied, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

 

[Candy_Kane54]

They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. He's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot,I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty except for two cars and they weren't mine.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then, I made the most difficult call of all to my husband: "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen." There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice. "Are you kidding me?" he barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me." He retorted, "I will, just as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your damn car!"

 

[Handley_Page]

Two friends met at the neighborhood supermarket.

When they got to the checkout one of the ladies started rummaging through her purse for her wallet, she took out a few things, including a TV remote.

“Do you always take the remote with you when you go shopping?” The other woman laughed.

“No,” the woman answered “But I asked my husband if he wanted to help me shop and he said no, I asked him if I could take the car and he replied that as long as I left him the TV, I could take whatever I wanted and get out of the house.

So I turned to the fashion channel and told him he had nothing to worry about".

 

[Lori_the_Hoosier]

True story; One of Will's friends was a project manager at a firm in Croydon, Surrey, who made antimagnetic time and distance log recorders for Royal Navy frigates, and he told us this story.

The company was originally Swiss, but was nationalized, then bought out piecemeal by a German engineering concern, and the Germans descended en-masse on the premises to check out every single piece of equipment, process, methodology, the whole ball of wax.

As a senior project manager, John was in the front line of all their typically supercilious German interrogation about why they did things such-and-such way and how they did it so much better in Germany, and how their German machinery was so much better than what was being used, until John had had enough, and told the man interrogating him that British machinery was still far superior to German, in fact, his father, the last time he went to Germany, had used a British machine that unloaded 14 tons of steel in less than 10 seconds. The German man looked skeptical and asked him what this machinery was, and John told him 'a fucking Lancaster bomber...'

 

[XerXesXu]

True story; One of Will's friends was a project manager at a firm in Croydon, Surrey, who made antimagnetic time and distance log recorders for Royal Navy frigates, and he told us this story.

The company was originally Swiss, but was nationalized, then bought out piecemeal by a German engineering concern, and the Germans descended en-masse on the premises to check out every single piece of equipment, process, methodology, the whole ball of wax.

As a senior project manager, John was in the front line of all their typically supercilious German interrogation about why they did things such-and-such way and how they did it so much better in Germany, and how their German machinery was so much better than what was being used, until John had had enough, and told the man interrogating him that British machinery was still far superior to German, in fact, his father, the last time he went to Germany, had used a British machine that unloaded 14 tons of steel in less than 10 seconds. The German man looked skeptical and asked him what this machinery was, and John told him 'a fucking Lancaster bomber...'

My Mum and Dad were dining in an Italian restaurant. They could tell the waiter was foreign, but couldn’t identify where from. My Dad asked:

“Where are you from?”

“Italy, I’m from La Spezia.”

“Oh. La Spezia.”

“Have you been there?”

“Yes.”

“Did you like the people?”

“I didn’t socialize. Just dropped my bombs and went home.”

But he did leave a big tip.

 

[Zeb_Carter]

Teacher: Billy, if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1, how many birds are left?

Billy: None, the others would fly away.

Teacher: The answer is 4 but I like the way you think.

Billy: I have a question for you Miss Lori. There are 3 women eating ice cream. 1 is licking, 1 is biting, and 1 is sucking. Which one is married?

Teacher answers nervously: The one sucking.

Billy: The answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think.

 

[Handley_Page]

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said aloud, "Lord, grant me one wish. "

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the LORD said.
"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish"

The man said "Please Lord build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I wish"

The Lord said "Your request is very materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific, the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me"

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord I wish that I could understand women, I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy".

The Lord said "Do want two or four lanes on that bridge?"

 

[fma20fma]

hi

Somewhere in this world-------an illiterate guy, who was an automobile workshop sweeper, unfortunately won the election and was given the job as health minister. he paid a surprise visit to a hospital with a large posse of media persons to get publicity and show off. He just entered a restricted ICU.

there were three patients in the ICU, one patient was connected to emergency oxygen cylinder. The other two patients were getting drips intravenous.

He glanced around the ICU and proudly posed before the media, pointed towards the critical patient on oxygen, and asked the doctor:

why is this patient on CNG and the other two are not?

The doctor understood the situation and showed the politician the IV tube attached to the patients and said:

Sir these two or on gasoline.

 

[Handley_Page]

An old man lay awkwardly sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theatre

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,

"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man didn't budge. The usher became more impatient.

"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment returned with the manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to get the old disheveled man to respond, but with no success. Finally they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly, then asked, "All right, buddy, what's your name?"

"Fred," the old man moaned.

"Where you from, Fred?" asked the police officer.

With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied;

"The balcony"......

 

[moreandmore]

Tears were forming in my date's eyes when I finished telling her 'Two Brazilian men were killed when their plane crashed.'

She choked her words out 'How did they get than many on the airplane? Isn't a Brazilian like a million million?'

We never dated again.

 

[Handley_Page]

30 things to make you smile

1.) My husband and I divorced over religious differences.....
He thought he was God and I didn't.

2.) I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.) I work hard because millions on welfare depend on Me!

4.) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5.) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6.) Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

7.) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8.) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9.) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10.) I'm not a complete idiot --Some parts are missing.

11.) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12.) NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room- spinning medicine.

13.) God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14.) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15.) Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16.) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17.) Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

18.) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

19.) Procrastinate Now!

20.) I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

21.) A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22.) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

23.) Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24.) They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

25.) He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26.) A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

27.) Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a life time commitment for a pig.

28.) The trouble with life is there's no background music.

29.) The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

30.) I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

 

[Handley_Page]

A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....."

She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "Be silent!"

There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting, "OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."