More Humour

[Handley_Page]

During a lull in the rehearsal the groom and best man, two long time friends and playboys, began to compare conquests. The groom, looking out over the crowd, said to his best man, "You know Bill, except for my wife to be, my two sisters and my mother, I've made love to every woman in this room."

To which his friend responded, "Well then, between the two of us we've had them all!"

 

[BuckyDuckman]

During a lull in the rehearsal the groom and best man, two long time friends and playboys, began to compare conquests. The groom, looking out over the crowd, said to his best man, "You know Bill, except for my wife to be, my two sisters and my mother, I've made love to every woman in this room."

To which his friend responded, "Well then, between the two of us we've had them all!"

Love that! Very close to this one:

Two guys are playing golf and they're stuck behind two women who are playing very slowly. The first guy says, "I'll ask if we can play through." He starts jogging down the fairway towards the women, sudden stops and trots back to his partner. "I can't ask them if we can play through, I just recognized them. That's my wife playing golf with my mistress!"

His golfing partner says, "I'll take care of this," and starts jogging down the fairway. Just like his buddy, he gets halfway, freezes, and then trots back. "Hey man, small world, ain't it?"

(I think I like yours better)

 

[Handley_Page]

COPIED FROM A NEWSGROUP POSTING - (the author is responding to a woman who accidentally walked into the men's restroom):

Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare us guys ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit something. You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own.
A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to **** all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be trusted.
After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.
Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood".
Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it won't bend you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to **** all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet. And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control our less than perfect aim. Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie.
So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her... look, it won't bend. She said, "so sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood". Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had ****ed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl.
You **** all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet. I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying Superman position laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee. So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control. It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature. Now, if it was Father Nature, there wouldn't have been a problem!!!

 

[Comshaw]

A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting.

He stopped to investigate.

He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, obligingly cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.

"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine."

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she's knitting a sweater."

Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you, young man?" "I'm nineteen," he replied.

"And how old is she?" asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said,

"Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."

________________________________________________________________

A newlywed couple entered their honeymoon suite. The young man had been told by his father to lay down the law about who was the boss as soon as he could after the marriage ceremony.
With that in mind, the young man pulled off his trousers and tossed them to his new bride.

"Here," he said in an authoritative voice, "put these on."

His bride, with a puzzled look on her face, pulled on the trousers.

She stood holding the waistband, to keep the oversized pants from falling down and said, "I can't wear these, they're much too large."

"And you remember that!"Her new husband said,"Keep in mine who wears the pants in this family!"

The young man's bride thought for a minute, dropped his trousers to the floor, reached under her dress, pulled down and stepped out of the tiny pair of lace panties she had on.

She tossed them to her husband and said, "Here, you put these on."

Her young husband stood staring at the pair of tiny lace panties hanging from one of his fingers.

"I can't possibly get in to these!" He protested.

"That's right!" His new wife said, "And you're not going to until you change your attitude!"



Comshaw

 

[Handley_Page]

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters:

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

 

[DanDraper]

Why is sex like snow storms for women?

They never how many inches they'll get or how long it will lest

 

[Handley_Page]

Dear Deirdre,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice.

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs are phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, 'Just some friends from work, you don't know them.'

I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls'. When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my Taylormade R7 appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it?

Yours concerned.

 

[Handley_Page]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church, beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

 

[Candy_Kane54]

Thank God for the Irish!

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures.

Over a double latte, the Greek mentions "We built the Parthenon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo."

"Aye, and it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."

"But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics."

"Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces."

Knowing that he's about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality: "Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!"

"Aye! True enough, but it was the Irish who got women involved."

 

[Handley_Page]

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know him."

 

[fma20fma]

hi

I went to the blood bank yesterday to donate blood.
They ask Too many questions.
whose blood is it?
where did you get it?
why is it in a bucket?
I decided not to donate blood anymore.

 

[Handley_Page]

Men Are Just Happier People

What do you expect?


Our last name stays put. The garage is all ours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.


We can never be pregnant. We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. Hell, we can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell us the truth.

The world is our urinal. We never have to drive to another petrol station because the toilet in this one is just too nasty.

We don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress £1500, Morning suit rental £100.00.

People never stare at our chest when we talk to them.

The occasional well-rendered fart is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle our feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

We know stuff about tanks. A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.

We can open all our own jars. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite us, they can still be our friend.

Our underwear is £8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. We never have strap problems in public.

We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes. Everything on our face stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

We only have to shave our face and neck.

We can play with toys all our life.

Our belly usually hides our big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons. We can wear shorts no matter how our legs look.

We can "do" our nails with a pocket knife. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

We can do Christmas shopping for all our relatives on Christmas Eve in 30 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!!!

 

[fma20fma]

hi

The teacher asked...what comes after a sentence?
student,son of a lawyer answered....an appeal.

 

[Handley_Page]

A man was sound asleep on a rainy night and was aroused from his sleep by a drunk pounding on his door at 3 AM.
His wife says, "Answer the door!".

So he begrudgingly gets up and goes to the door. The guy, slurring his words and obviously drunk says, "I need a push!".

The man says, "It's 3 AM. No! I can't help you." And he slams the door. He goes back to bed. And his wife says, "What was that all about?"
The man says, "It was a drunk. He wanted a push. I sent him packing. It's 3 o'clock in the morning. I'm not about to out in the rain at this hour!"

The wife reminded him that they had been in a similar situation and that at about the same hour in the morning, they pounded on a door and got the help they needed. She shamed him and, feeling guilty, he got back up, put on his pants and raincoat and went outside. The guy was nowhere to be seen.

He hollered, "Do you still need help?" "Hey buddy, do you still need a push?"
Off in the distance, he hears a slurred response, "Yeah! I still need a push."
The man says, "Where are you?"
The drunk responds,
"I'm over here on the swing!"

 

[Rustyoznail]

A man and a woman who have never met before, but are both married to other people, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they are both very tired and fall asleep quickly. Him in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1 am, the man leans over and gently wakes the woman, saying, “Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.“

“I have a better idea,” she coos softly. “Just for tonight, let’s just pretend that we’re married.”

“Wow! That’s a great idea!” he exclaims.

“Good,” she replies. “Get your own bloody blanket.”

 

[Handley_Page]

The other day a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships.
Apparently 'HD' was the wrong answer.


Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
She kept having affairs with men.


G'day Russ.

 

[Rustyoznail]

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!"

She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

What Ho, HP!

 

[Handley_Page]

I went into a bar one night after a long hard day, the barman says "what would you like", I replied:
"Surprise me" so he showed me a naked photo of my wife!

 

[fma20fma]

hi

sunday school teacher: children what do you know about bible?
little harry: basic information before leaving earth.
little rosy: beware info before lying eagerly.

 

[Handley_Page]

Why did the Koala fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.

Why did the second Koala fall out of the tree?

Because it was holding the first one's hand.

Why did the third Koala fall out of the tree?

He thought it was a game.

 

[XerXesXu]

A grandson asks his grandpa one question while on the way back from school....

What is the difference between 'Wife' and 'Girlfriend?'

Grandpa thought for a minute and Simplified the explanation like this ;

Listen Child,

Wife is like a TV and Girlfriend is like a MOBILE.

At home you watch TV,
but when you go out you take your MOBILE.

Sometimes you enjoy TV, but most of the time, you play with your MOBILE.

TV is (as good as) free for life, but for the MOBILE, if you don't pay, the services will be terminated.

TV is big, bulky and most of the time, old,
But the MOBILE is cute, slim, curvy, replaceable and portable.

Operational costs for TV is often acceptable
but for the MOBILE, it is often high and demanding.

TV has a remote
but MOBILE doesn't.

Most importantly, MOBILE is a two-way communication (you talk and listen), but with the TV, you MUST only listen (whether you want to or not)!

Last but not least!
Yet TVs are superior because TVs don't have viruses, but MOBILES often do.

And mobiles can be easily hacked or stolen.

Take Care
Stick to TV only
Issued in Public interest!

 

[Handley_Page]

What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of
perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says:
"You're next, fatty."

 

[CuddleCakes3]

As little Johnny had become increasingly interested in the girls over the summer, his mom told his dad he should talk to his son about the flowers and bees and such. Dad obligingly took Johnny fishing, and as they sat quietly by the water, he asked:

“So Johnny, you remember last time we went fishing, right?”

“I sure do, dad!”

“And you remember those girls we met, right?”

“Of course!”

“Well, what we did to them, the bees do to the flowers as well.”

 

[Candy_Kane54]

A husband and wife are out playing. They came to one hole which has an old barn along the right side of the fairway. The wife slices her drive directly behind the barn.

Her husband says ‘no problem, hon. I’ll open the barn doors and you can hit right through the barn to the green.’

He does so and waits for her to hit on the far side of the barn. The wife strikes a beautiful shot right through the open barn. Unfortunately it strikes her husband right square in the forehead. He is dead before he even hits the ground.

Years pass, the tragedy fades and she remarries. She still plays golf regularly. Ironically, she is on the same course again with her new husband and they come to that hole again. And again she slices to directly behind the barn.

New hubby says ‘no problem dear. I’ll open the barn doors and you can hit right through it’.

‘I don’t think so’ she replies. ‘The last time I tried that I took a double bogey’.

 

[Handley_Page]

Q. Why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.