More Humour

[Candy_Kane54]

A guy brings his best golf buddy home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30 PM after enjoying a day of golf. His wife screams her head off while his friend sits at the kitchen table, open mouthed, listening to the tirade.

"My hair and makeup are not done," she screams, "the house is a mess and the dishes are still in the sink. I'm completely exhausted! I didn't get enough sleep last night. Can't you see I'm still in my pajamas? I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why did you bring him home without letting me know ahead of time, you stupid ignoramus?

And the guy says, "Because ... he's thinking of getting married..."

 

[Rustyoznail]

Warning! A lorry has shed a load of onions on the A16.

Motorists are being advised to find a hard shoulder to cry on.

 

[EdEc]

I'm too old to cut the mustard...but I can still lick the jar.

 

[Trionyx]

I'm too old to cut the mustard...but I can still lick the jar.

From an old limerick:

When in love you’re no longer a star,
And your sex life is not up to par,
No need to get flustered,
If you can’t cut the mustard,
You can always lick it out of the jar.

 

[BuckyDuckman]

Hank's old hunting dog laid at his feet while Hank and Roy sat on the porch sipping beers. At one point, the old dog tucked his head between his legs and started licking at his balls.

"Wish I could do that," Roy joked.

"Go ahead," Hank replied. "But he might bite."

 

[Handley_Page]

The handsome prince announced that a grand ball would be held to which everyone was invited. Cinderella was excited but her wicked stepmother and the ugly step sisters would not let her go. She was sitting disconsolately amid the ashes when her fairy godmother appeared before her.

"Why are you so sad, Cinderella?"

"Because my stepmother and stepsisters won't let me go to the ball."

"You shall go to the ball, Cinderella. I will provide you with the most beautiful dress and glass slippers, a coach and horses and footmen to attend you."

"Oh, thank you, fairy godmother!" Cinderella happily gushed.

"There is just one condition, Cinderella, and you must listen to it carefully," warned the fairy godmother. "You must be home by midnight because if you are not, on the stroke of midnight your fanny will turn into a melon".

Cinderella accepted this condition and in the twinkling of an eye the promised goodies were before her and she set off for the ball. The ball was as wonderful as she expected. She danced with the handsome prince who only had eyes for her and, when the interval came she went into supper on the arm of the prince and sat opposite him.

The first course was a slice of melon and the sight of this recalled to Cinderella's mind the condition that her fairy godmother had imposed. Cinderella felt sad that she had to go home so early and picked up her knife and fork to start on her slice of melon. The prince, on the other hand, ignored his knife and fork. He seized the slice of melon in both hands and buried his face in it. He took the flesh into his mouth and slurped over it as he sucked and swallowed the succulent fruit. He did not stop until he had got every drop of goodness from it. He took the rind away from his face and juices were running down his chin.

He said to Cinderella, as he laid the rind aside, "What time do you have to be home?"

"About half past two," she replied.

 

[Payne_Hall]

What do you call a magical dog?

A labracadabrador.

 

[PoisonPen33]

I've been accused of writing "unrealistic" erotica.

I mean, that's the point. It's erotica! It's supposed to be an unrealistic fantasy! I've talked to enough women to know not every guy is rocking a six-inch dick!

 

[CarlusMagnus]

I understand that young men who think they're not doing so well with women are being advised that they need to be patient and take Matt Gaetz as their example. He didn't have a high school girlfriend until he was 38.

 

[Handley_Page]

Dear _______________,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut.

I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavours, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:


(Check those that apply)

1. ___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

2. ___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.

3. ___The fact that our first dining experience to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!

4. ___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.

5. ___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

6. ___Your constant emailing, shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!

7. ___Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants.

8. ___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.

9. ___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.

10. ___You have a hairy back.

11. ___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

12. ___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

13. ___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.

14. ___You still live with your parents.

15. ___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little concerning.

16. ___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.

17. ___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long term partner.

18. ___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

19. ___Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.

20. ___I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.



Sincerely, _________________________________


==============

 

[Rustyoznail]

Olaf the Viking is shopping at a supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears.
"What's the matter?" asks Olaf.
"Oh," sobs the old lady. "I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you can see, there are three steps down into the chiller cabinets."
"No problem," says Olaf, lifting her onto his back. "I'll take you."
Olaf strolls through the chiller cabinets with the old lady on his back. She selects several puddings and puts them in the basket he is carrying for her.
At the other end the old lady's husband is waiting with her wheelchair.
"I'd really like to thank you," says the old lady as Olaf sets her back down in the chair, "but I don't even know who you are!"
Olaf just waves and walks off.
"I was really worried about you," says the old lady's husband. "What have you been doing?"
She replies, "Well, I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name."

 

[CuddleCakes3]

After 10 years a wife started to think their child was looking strange.

So she did a DNA test and found out the child was not theirs. She told her husband what she had found out.

The husband replied, "you don’t remember do you?!"

"When we were leaving the hospital the baby pooped and you told me to go and change him, so I went inside and got a clean one and left the dirty one there."

The wife fainted.

 

[WalterAndOliveAnn]

On his deathbed a man's wife and his four sons gather around him. Three of the boys are big, burly, and bright. Dave, the fourth was scrawny and rather scatterbrained.

The dying man looked at his wife and he said: "my time is up, and I can see the light. I won't be mad. Just tell me, please. I just can't believe that Dave is mine."

"Oh dear, we all love you," said his wife, "don't trouble yourself."

"I need to know," said the man, "Please ..."

"Don't worry, dear," said the wife. "Dave is your son."

"Really?"

"Yes dear," the wife said as he passed away.

As the five looked at the man's body the wife eventually said to her sons: "thank God he didn't ask about the other three of you."

 

[Handley_Page]

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Sainsburys Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Golden Retriever pup had fresh air. She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, 'Now you stay. Do you hear me?'

"Stay: Stay"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look and said,

Why don't you just put it in "PARK" ? ! ! ! ! !

 

[Comshaw]

A masochist and a sadist met in a bar. After they talked for a bit they decided to go back to the sadist's apartment for some fun.
When they arrived, because it had been a while since either one had engaged in their fetish, they were both excited about the opportunity. The masochist quickly got undressed and the sadist tied wrists and ankles to the bed.

The masochist, writhing on the bed in anticipation panted, "Please! Whip me! Beat me!"

The sadist smiled an evil smile and replied, "No."


Comshaw

 

[CuddleCakes3]

Sex is like banking

First you make a deposit.
Then you make a withdrawal.
Then you lose interest.

 

[CuddleCakes3]

NASA was experimenting with animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training, he was ready for his first mission. The cat was to embark on a journey to Saturn's moon, Titan, to discover if life would be sustainable...

The rocket prepares for take off.

5...

.

4...

.

3...

.

2...

.

1...

.

BLAST OFF!!

.

UP

.

UP

.

Up

.

up

.

up

.

up

.

up

.

...and POW the cat bursts through Earth's atmosphere and begins his journey as the first feline in outer space.

A few weeks go by, and after a while the cat starts to get bored. He spots a red dot in the distance, and although he tries to resist the temptation, he sets the shuttle on a new course. Before Houston could stop him, he lands on Mars.

Houston sends a probe to investigate what the hell the cat was up to and why he decided to venture so far off course.

The probe gets to Mars and finds tracks, which lead it to an area of wreckage and signs of a fight.

The cat is utterly dead, torn to pieces in fact, and a robot once sent to explore Mars, covered in fur, blood and guts!

It was clear... Curiosity killed the cat.

 

[Handley_Page]

A midget walks into a brothel with a honeycomb under his arm and a donkey following closely behind. He asks the head mistress for a woman for the evening as his wife had left him.

She says "sure thing but I gotta ask, what's with the honeycomb and the donkey?".

He says "well, my wife found a genie's lamp and her first wish was a home fit for a queen and she ended up with a honeycomb. Then she asked for the nicest ass ever and so she got this very well behaved donkey".

The mistress asks about the third wish and the midget says she wished I had a dick that hung past my knee.

She says "well that doesn't sound so bad".

"It wouldn't be that bad except I used to be 6' 3".

 

[TarnishedPenny]

An explorer goes into a bar and tells the bartender that, if he will give him a free drink, he'll show him something he's never seen before. The bartender agrees and the man reaches down for a small suitcase. Opening it, he produces a miniature piano and a tiny man in formal dress. The latter bows to the bartender, sits at the piano and starts playing Chopin.

The bartender, amazed, pours the man a drink and asks where he got the little guy.

"Oh," he says, "I was in Ireland and saved a leprechaun from being eaten by a cat. He was so grateful that he promised to grant me any wish, any wish at all."

The man grimaced at the little fellow, still playing. "Sadly, the leprechaun was quite deaf," he said, "So there's my wish - an eight-inch pianist."

 

[CuddleCakes3]

My wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday.

Her: "I want to give you the perfect gift."

Me: "So what makes the perfect gift?"

Her: "It's something you really want, but you would never give to yourself."

Me: "Great! How about a blow job?"

 

[CuddleCakes3]

Two Muggers and a Pedestrian

A man was walking home from work at midnight through a dark alley. Two muggers attack him and demand that he gives up every valuable he got. The guy wouldnt so they start fighting. So after fighting for about 10 minutes, everyone was exhausted, the pedestrian gives up.
The muggers search his pockets and find only about $5.

They ask him "Why would you resist that hard for that long to defend only five bucks?

The Pedestrian answers: "I was defending the Two Grand that I hid in my boots you idiots."

 

[EdEc]

From an old limerick:

When in love you’re no longer a star,
And your sex life is not up to par,
No need to get flustered,
If you can’t cut the mustard,
You can always lick it out of the jar.

Thank you. I learned it from an old welder when I was working a summer job during my university years.

 

[Handley_Page]

Shortly after I got married, I was invited for a night out with the boys. I told the wife that I would be home by midnight...
Well, the jokes were being spun and the beer was going down well, and at around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, I went home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for having the presence of mind, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict. Next morning the wife asked me what time I got in. I told her 12 o'clock.

Whew! Got away with that one!

Then she told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she said, "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, cuckooed another 4 times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, farted, then cuckooed twice more and started giggling."

 

[Weird Harold]

What do you call a magical dog?

A labracadabrador.

 

[Handley_Page]

Nice to see you, Harold.

Life's Mysteries ...

Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message 'one slice'? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?

Why do we wash BATH towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? If not then what was the purpose of the bath?

Considering all the lint you get in your tumble dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say 'Its all right'? It isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you stupid idiot'?

Why is it that when you're walking up the stairs and you get to the top you always think there's still one more step?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?

Why do old men wear their slacks higher than younger men?

Why is it that inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the heck happened?

If diamonds are a girl's best friend and a dog is man's best friend, who really is the dumber sex?

Why are the needy only thought of during the holidays? Aren't they just as needy throughout the rest of the year?

Why is it that men can react to broken bones as 'just a sprain' and deep wounds as 'just a scratch', but when they get the sniffles they are deathly ill 'with the flu' and have to be bedridden for weeks?

How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?

Why do men forget everything and women remember everything?

Do Chinese people get hungry an hour after they eat American food?

Shouldn't all married men forget their mistakes? After all there's no sense in two people remembering the same things right?

Is the real reason women live longer than men because they don't have to live with women?

If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to?