More Humour

[AvroAnson]

Stewardess says to a passenger on a flight, "would you care for an orange juice sir?"

Passenger replies, "Yes if it needed me"

As the airplane reached cruising altitude, the new co-pilot made the announcement that passengers could unbuckle their seat belts and that beverage service would commence shortly. But he forgot to turn off the intercom.

So when the pilots spoke everyone on board heard the conversation in the cockpit.

"I think that after I have some coffee, I'll ask the stewardess for a blow-job."

"Which one?"

"Gina, the redhead ..."

Gina hearing this started to run from the galley in the rear, down the isle, to the cockpit up front. As she passed by, an elderly woman held out her hand as if to say "stop."

Gina stopped and looked at the woman.

"Deary," the lady said, "give him time to finish his coffee."

 

[Rustyoznail]

I'm at the age that whenever I change a light bulb I think to myself, "Will I ever have to change this bulb again?"

Especially if you've replaced it with a LED model.

 

[Handley_Page]

Especially if you've replaced it with a LED model.

And they get better and better.

========

BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

 

[jehoram]

Stewardess says to a passenger on a flight, "would you care for an orange juice sir?"

Passenger replies, "Yes if it needed me"

Airline stewardess on the old Trans World Airline:

"Hi! Would like to try some of our famous TWA coffee?"

Passenger:

"No, but I'd love to taste your TWA tea!"

 

[jehoram]

And one of my favorite light bulb jokes:

How many Teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?

Six. You got a problem wit dat?

 

[Handley_Page]

The Rodeo Position

Two cowboys are out on the range one starry night talking about their favorite sex positions. One says, “Ever have rodeo sex?”

“Ain’t heard of that one,” says the other cowboy. “What is it?”

“Well, you get the girl down on all fours, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup her breasts, whisper in her ear, ‘Boy, these feel just like your sister’s!’ and see how long you can hang on.”

 

[yowser]

Doggy

How do long-married Jewish couples copulate doggy style?

The man sits up and begs.

The woman rolls over and plays dead.

 

[Handley_Page]

The other day a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships.
Apparently 'HD' was the wrong answer.


Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
She kept having affairs with men.

 

[BuckyDuckman]

The most eligible bachelor in town decides it's time to settle down and get married, except that he has one condition. Rather than marry one of the many party girls he had spent a life dating, he wanted to marry a virgin.

His friends laughed at him. "How are you going to know for sure that she's a virgin?"

"I have a plan," he assured them as he began a new chapter in his dating life. If the woman threw herself at him, he assumed she wasn't a virgin, but that was only one of his tests.

His ultimate test would happen after he had dated a likely woman for a while. At some point, he would expose himself to her, point to his manhood and ask, "What would you call this?"

Over the months, he heard his junk referred to as everything from your prick, your dick, your manhood, and many more. Finally, he met a woman who replied, "Why, that would be your penis, dear."

The way she phrased it convinced him he had finally found a virgin. It felt like a sure thing. Only the most innocent of women would refer to his male appendage in such clinical terms. He proposes, she accepts, and they are married.

On their honeymoon night, he stands at the foot of the bed wearing nothing but a towel wrapped around waist while his wife shyly smiles at him. On a whim, he asks, "Would you like to know why I married you?"

"Yes dear, you had your choice of so many women. Why me?"

Dropping the towel from his waist, he exposes his rockhard, throbbing dick and smiles. "Because you call this a penis."

His wife's eyes go wide. "Why, whatever else would I call it?"

He shrugs. "I suppose you could have called it a cock."

"Oh no, dear, I would never do that!" she exclaims. "A cock is much bigger and usually black."

 

[Handley_Page]

A Catholic girl goes to confession, she says 'forgive me father, for I have sinned; I believe I'm pregnant.'

The priest responds: 'My dear child, how did this happen?'

The girl replies 'I think it must be the second coming,'

The priest is taken aback and asks her why she would think that it's the second coming.

She replies 'because I swallowed the first one...'

 

[BuckyDuckman]

A priest is about to be moved from one parish to another. Before he leaves, a young, married couple invites the priest to dinner at their house. Over dinner, the priest happens to ask if the couple plans on having children.

"We've tried for the last several years, but no luck," says the wife.

"I'm going to do a pilgrimage to Rome before I start at my new parish. I'll light a candle for the two of you," offers the priest.

One year later, the couple has a son.

Two years later, they have twins.

Three years later, when they find out she is pregnant with triplets, they find out where their old friend the priest had moved. With their kids in tow, they show up at the front door of the parsonage with a gift for their priest, an all-expenses-paid trip back to Rome.

The priest is stunned by their generosity, but assures them that it wasn't necessary. "Your happiness is my happiness. I promise to light a candle for you."

"No, father, you don't understand," gasps the wife. "We want you blow out the first fucking one!"

 

[seances]

Webers or Solex?

(I'm not a guy, but dad and both of my brothers were/are certified mechanics. For some reason sisters helping their brothers work on cars is a recurring theme in some of my fiction.)

On a 356 it should be dual ZENITH 32NDIX.

 

[Handley_Page]

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied.... 'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, ' University of Otago '

And they say blondes are dumb...

 

[LexxRuthless]

https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/218854466760212480/818074201293717504/unknown.png

 

[Leetypes]

>>A woman can switch her hair colour six times in two months and her coworkers will still talk to her.

Baldness - enough said...
>>>

Did someone say bald?

I prefer a naturally bald man rather than just a shaved head.

 

[Handley_Page]

Billy comes home from school early one day to find his mum riding up and down on his dad on the bed.

"Mum what you doing to dad?" asks Billy.

Mum replies,"I'm trying to flatten his belly".

"There's no point mum, 'cos Mrs Davis, from next door, just comes round and gets on her knees and blows him back up again" pipes up Billy.

 

[Heather01]

A son asked his mother, "Why are wedding dresses white?"

She replied, "It shows your friends and relatives that the bride is pure."

Then the son went and asked the same question to his father.

"All household appliances come in white," said his father.

 

[Heather01]

A man walks into a seafood restaurant and was told they had Lobster Tails on offer for $1.

“They must be small," he says.

"No, they're normal size," replies the waitress.

"Well they're old then."

"Fresh today," she answers.

"Then I'll have one," says the man, smiling.

The waitress takes him to table and he sits down.

"Once upon a time," she begins, "There was a big red lobster ..."

 

[Heather01]

While enjoying their evening cocktails, the wife asks her husband, in very seductive voice, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her panties......and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen Fifty Thousand Dollars all crumpled up?"

He said, "No!" trying to contain his excitement.

She said, "Check your truck in the garage."

 

[Handley_Page]

"Can I have some Irish Sausages please?", asked Paddy when he walked into the shop.
The assistant looked at him and asked "Are you Irish?"
"If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Would ya, ay? Would Ya?"
The assistant says, "Well no".
"And if I asked you for some Jack Daniels, would you ask me if I was American? What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't,"
With self-indignation, the man says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish Sausages?"
The Assistant replies, "Because you're in fecking Homebase."

 

[Candy_Kane54]

A cat and 2 dogs die and go to heaven.

God, sitting on his throne, asks the first dog what kind of life he led on earth. The dog replies he was faithful to his master, defended the family, and was a boon companion. God pronounces his life a good one, and states he may sit at God's side.

God then asks the second dog what kind of life he led. The dog replies he was a shepherd dog, served his master well, and faithfully guarded the herd day and night, through all kinds of weather. God states his life was good and he may sit at God's other side.

God then asked the cat what about his life. The cat looked at the first dog, then the second, then turned to God and said, "You're sitting in my chair".

 

[SamScribble]

A cat and 2 dogs die and go to heaven.

God, sitting on his throne, asks the first dog what kind of life he led on earth. The dog replies he was faithful to his master, defended the family, and was a boon companion. God pronounces his life a good one, and states he may sit at God's side.

God then asks the second dog what kind of life he led. The dog replies he was a shepherd dog, served his master well, and faithfully guarded the herd day and night, through all kinds of weather. God states his life was good and he may sit at God's other side.

God then asked the cat what about his life. The cat looked at the first dog, then the second, then turned to God and said, "You're sitting in my chair".

I think this one is probably true!

 

[jehoram]

I think this one is probably true!

Kind of like that other joke:

What a dog thinks: "This human feeds me, pets me, shelters me, and takes care of my every need. He must be a god!"

What a cat thinks: "This human feeds me, pets me, shelters me, and takes care of my every need. I must be a god!"

 

[Heather01]

Medical Exam

Medical exam

During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says, "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor. "No! No! .... Just stick out your tongue!"

 

[Handley_Page]

A bloke walks into work one morning to find his mate laughing to himself.
" What's so funny?" he asks,
" I had a freudian slip this morning"
" what's a freudian slip?" his friend asks
" It's when you go to say something but instead of saying what you want to say you say what you are thinking. Anyway, I was buying a train ticket this morning and the lady serving had rather large t1ts, so instead of asking for a ticket to tooting I asked for a ticket to t1tting"
The pair chuckled away.
The following day the other guy is laughing away
"what's so funny?" his mate asks
"I had one of your freudian slips this morning. I was having breakfast with my wife and instead of saying: 'excuse me darling could you please pass the salt', I said: 'f*ck off you ugly bitch you've ruined my life.' "