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Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
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The teacher asks, "Michael, If you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the rest room?" the teacher asked.
"Just a minute, I have to go pee", he said.
The teacher replied,"That would be rude and impolite. What about you, Paul, how would you say it?
"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the toilet, I'll be right back."
The teacher responded,"That's better, but it's still not very mannerly to say the word 'toilet' at the table."
"And you Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners."
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."
The teacher fainted.
"Just a minute, I have to go pee", he said.
The teacher replied,"That would be rude and impolite. What about you, Paul, how would you say it?
"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the toilet, I'll be right back."
The teacher responded,"That's better, but it's still not very mannerly to say the word 'toilet' at the table."
"And you Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners."
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."
The teacher fainted.
Candy_Kane54
Missing my Muse...
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A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman.
He grew up big—6’2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.
When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department.
After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview.
The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an ‘Attitude Suitability Test’, that you must take before you can be accepted.”
We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."
Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot:
six illegal aliens,
six lawyers,
six meth dealers,
six Muslim extremists,
six Democrats,
and a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.
"You pass," said the Chief Deputy."When can you start?"
He grew up big—6’2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.
When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department.
After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview.
The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an ‘Attitude Suitability Test’, that you must take before you can be accepted.”
We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."
Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot:
six illegal aliens,
six lawyers,
six meth dealers,
six Muslim extremists,
six Democrats,
and a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.
"You pass," said the Chief Deputy."When can you start?"
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
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Janey was walking down High Street. As she walked past the Butchers, she glanced into the shop window. There, nestled in amongst the salami, was a sign proclaiming "Fresh from Warsaw-World's Largest Sausage."
Hanging on a large hook above it, was the most enormous sausage she had ever seen. It must've been at least eight inches in diameter, and two feet long.
"That's a two-man zeppelin, not a sausage," she thought. "Oh well, I'll try anything once."
So she walked into the shop, heaved the 20 lb. monster down off the hook and, plunking it down on the counter, presented it to the shopkeeper, who immediately wrestled it onto the machine and started slicing it up.
"Hey, what the hell are you doing?" cried Janey in dismay. "What do you think I am? A slot machine?"
Hanging on a large hook above it, was the most enormous sausage she had ever seen. It must've been at least eight inches in diameter, and two feet long.
"That's a two-man zeppelin, not a sausage," she thought. "Oh well, I'll try anything once."
So she walked into the shop, heaved the 20 lb. monster down off the hook and, plunking it down on the counter, presented it to the shopkeeper, who immediately wrestled it onto the machine and started slicing it up.
"Hey, what the hell are you doing?" cried Janey in dismay. "What do you think I am? A slot machine?"
A
Andrewlongcock
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Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
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A woman has been in a coma for 3 months and every day, without fail, her husband comes in to visit her and stays for 8 hours trying everything possible to revive her. He has tried talking to her, played her music, got friends to record mesages and even had celebrities in to try and help but nothing has worked and the nurses at the hospital feel really sorry for him.
One morning the nurse who is looking after her decides to give her a good wash and get her looking nice for when her husband comes in later that day. As she starts on the bed bath and moves 'downstairs' she thinks she sees a flicker on the monitor. She stops and checks but sees nothing else, so she continues. When she starts washing her in the nether regions again she is sure that she sees some sort of signs of life and is quite excited but doesn't know what to do.
At that point her husband comes in and she realises she will have to tell him about it.
'Mr Jones, I realise this is a bit unusual but I think I may have an idea of how you can revive your wife'
'Oh, my God, what is it Nurse?'
'Well this is slightly embarrassing...' she says and continues to tell him what happened while she was washing her.
'So I think that maybe a bit of oral sex may be worth a try'
The man is mortally embarrassed but agrees that it is worth a shot as he will do anything to try and bring his wife back to life.
'Look, Mr Jones, I promise you complete discretion. I will keep the curtain closed and keep guard outside the room so you are not disturbed'.
The man agrees and the nurse does as she says and stands outside the room.
After a few minutes all the alarms start going off and the crash team sprint down the corridor and burst into the room as the monitor starts flat-lining.
'Oh my God, Mr Jones', says the nurse, 'What happened?'
'I don't know' says the confused man.
'I think she choked'.
One morning the nurse who is looking after her decides to give her a good wash and get her looking nice for when her husband comes in later that day. As she starts on the bed bath and moves 'downstairs' she thinks she sees a flicker on the monitor. She stops and checks but sees nothing else, so she continues. When she starts washing her in the nether regions again she is sure that she sees some sort of signs of life and is quite excited but doesn't know what to do.
At that point her husband comes in and she realises she will have to tell him about it.
'Mr Jones, I realise this is a bit unusual but I think I may have an idea of how you can revive your wife'
'Oh, my God, what is it Nurse?'
'Well this is slightly embarrassing...' she says and continues to tell him what happened while she was washing her.
'So I think that maybe a bit of oral sex may be worth a try'
The man is mortally embarrassed but agrees that it is worth a shot as he will do anything to try and bring his wife back to life.
'Look, Mr Jones, I promise you complete discretion. I will keep the curtain closed and keep guard outside the room so you are not disturbed'.
The man agrees and the nurse does as she says and stands outside the room.
After a few minutes all the alarms start going off and the crash team sprint down the corridor and burst into the room as the monitor starts flat-lining.
'Oh my God, Mr Jones', says the nurse, 'What happened?'
'I don't know' says the confused man.
'I think she choked'.
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
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Two Muslim mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now."
"Yes, I remember him as a baby," says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though," mum confides.
"Oh, so sad dear," says the other.
"And this is my second son, Khalid. He's 21."
"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born."
"He's a martyr too," says mum quietly.
"Oh gracious me " says the other.
"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18," she whispers.
"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school."
"He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks at the photographs and says. . .
"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now."
"Yes, I remember him as a baby," says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though," mum confides.
"Oh, so sad dear," says the other.
"And this is my second son, Khalid. He's 21."
"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born."
"He's a martyr too," says mum quietly.
"Oh gracious me " says the other.
"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18," she whispers.
"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school."
"He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks at the photographs and says. . .
"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
jehoram
Literotica Guru
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A couple had to give their identical twin boys up for adoption. One was adopted by an Egyptian couple, who named him Amahl, after the mother's brother. The other was adopted by a Spanish couple, who named their boy Juan, after the father's own father. However, the new parents kept in touch with the birth couple, and let them know how the boys were growing up.
One day, the Spanish couple sent the birth parents a photograph of the boy. The birth mother thought it might be nice to have a photograph of the other boy as well.
"Why bother?" said the birth father. "When you've seen Juan, you've seen Amahl."
One day, the Spanish couple sent the birth parents a photograph of the boy. The birth mother thought it might be nice to have a photograph of the other boy as well.
"Why bother?" said the birth father. "When you've seen Juan, you've seen Amahl."
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
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The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.
"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean, you're not the instructor ?"
"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean, you're not the instructor ?"
Candy_Kane54
Missing my Muse...
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Yesterday my daughter emailed me, again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. "Like sitting around the pool, drinking wine isn't a good thing?” I asked.
Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She is "only thinking of me," she said, and suggested, I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the fellas. So, I did and when I got home, decided to play a prank on her.
I sent her an email saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club. She replied, "Are you nuts? You're 86-years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I told her that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"Oh man, am I in trouble," I said, "I signed up and prepaid for five jumps a week!"
The line went dead.
Life as a Senior Citizen isn't getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun!
Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She is "only thinking of me," she said, and suggested, I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the fellas. So, I did and when I got home, decided to play a prank on her.
I sent her an email saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club. She replied, "Are you nuts? You're 86-years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I told her that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"Oh man, am I in trouble," I said, "I signed up and prepaid for five jumps a week!"
The line went dead.
Life as a Senior Citizen isn't getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun!
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
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A parrot swallows a viagra so his owner puts him in the freezer to cool off.
Later when he opens the freezer he finds the parrot sweating
'How come you are sweating?' he asks the parrot
Parrot replies 'Do you know how fcuking hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken!!!'
Later when he opens the freezer he finds the parrot sweating
'How come you are sweating?' he asks the parrot
Parrot replies 'Do you know how fcuking hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken!!!'
jehoram
Literotica Guru
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Another classic parrot/refrigerator joke:
A guy buys a parrot, but the bird screams all the time, and won't shut up. Finally, his exasperation overcomes him and he grabs the bird and sticks it in the refrigerator for a few hours.
Finally, he retrieves the bird and puts him back on the perch. The parrot is quiet for a long time, but finally says, "Okay, I'll be quiet. But let me ask: what did the chicken do?"
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
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Minnie Mouse and Mickey Mouse in the divorce court
Judge: " Mickey, you cannot divorce Minnie on the grounds that she has buck teeth"
Mickey: "No Judge, I dont want divorce on the grounds of buck teeth - I said she was fcuking Goofy!"
Judge: " Mickey, you cannot divorce Minnie on the grounds that she has buck teeth"
Mickey: "No Judge, I dont want divorce on the grounds of buck teeth - I said she was fcuking Goofy!"
Candy_Kane54
Missing my Muse...
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One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied.... 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Otago '
And they say blondes are dumb...
-------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
-------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
----------------------------------------------------------- You're laughing again
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'
'It depends,' I replied.... 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Otago '
And they say blondes are dumb...
-------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
-------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
----------------------------------------------------------- You're laughing again
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'
MsNatalie99
Whateva gets you off
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Joe: Hey Mike, have you ever wanted to get into cock fighting?
Mike: No, I promised my mom I'd meet a nice girl.
Joe: No Man, I'm talking about chickens.
Mike: I know, but I promised my mom I'd meet a nice girl.
Mike: No, I promised my mom I'd meet a nice girl.
Joe: No Man, I'm talking about chickens.
Mike: I know, but I promised my mom I'd meet a nice girl.
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
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If Historical People Were Looking For A Job Today
* Julius Caesar: My last job involved a lot of office politics and back stabbing. I'd like to get away from all that.
* Jesse James: I can list among my experience and skills: leadership, extensive travel, logistical organization, intimate understanding of firearms, and knowledge of security measures at numerous banks.
* Marie Antoinette: My management style has been criticized, but I'd like to think of myself as a people person.
* Joseph Guillotin: I can give your company a head start on the competition.
* Hamlet: My position was eliminated in a hostile take- over.
* Pandora: I can bring a lot to your company. I like discovering new things.
* Genghis Khan: My primary talent is downsizing. On my last job I downsized my staff, my organization, and the populations of several countries.
* Macbeth: Would I go after my boss's job? Do I look like the kind of guy who would knock off his boss for a promotion?
* Lady Godiva: What do you mean, this isn't "business casual"?
* Elvis: My last boss and I...say, are you going to eat those fries?
* Julius Caesar: My last job involved a lot of office politics and back stabbing. I'd like to get away from all that.
* Jesse James: I can list among my experience and skills: leadership, extensive travel, logistical organization, intimate understanding of firearms, and knowledge of security measures at numerous banks.
* Marie Antoinette: My management style has been criticized, but I'd like to think of myself as a people person.
* Joseph Guillotin: I can give your company a head start on the competition.
* Hamlet: My position was eliminated in a hostile take- over.
* Pandora: I can bring a lot to your company. I like discovering new things.
* Genghis Khan: My primary talent is downsizing. On my last job I downsized my staff, my organization, and the populations of several countries.
* Macbeth: Would I go after my boss's job? Do I look like the kind of guy who would knock off his boss for a promotion?
* Lady Godiva: What do you mean, this isn't "business casual"?
* Elvis: My last boss and I...say, are you going to eat those fries?
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Q: Why do schoolteachers make the best hookers?
A: Because, "You're going to do this over and over and over again until you get it right!"
A: Because, "You're going to do this over and over and over again until you get it right!"
Candy_Kane54
Missing my Muse...
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So a man walks into a bar, and sits down. He starts a conversation with an old guy next to him. The old guy has obviously had a few. He says to the man:
“You see that dock out there? Built it myself, hand crafted each piece, and it’s the best dock in town! But do they call me “McGregor the dock builder”?
No!
And you see that bridge over there? I built that, took me two months, through rain, sleet and scorching weather, but do they call me “McGregor the bridge builder”?
No!
And you see that pier over there, I built that, best pier in the county! But do they call me “McGregor the pier builder”?
No!”
But you f**k one sheep ...
“You see that dock out there? Built it myself, hand crafted each piece, and it’s the best dock in town! But do they call me “McGregor the dock builder”?
No!
And you see that bridge over there? I built that, took me two months, through rain, sleet and scorching weather, but do they call me “McGregor the bridge builder”?
No!
And you see that pier over there, I built that, best pier in the county! But do they call me “McGregor the pier builder”?
No!”
But you f**k one sheep ...
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
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Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
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We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? The definition for each is listed below:
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the lads, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask "Are you still cleaning, or... are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say: "You're next..."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the lads, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask "Are you still cleaning, or... are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say: "You're next..."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.
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A lovely young co-ed found a summer job at a local military museum. She wound up working an evening shift with a Korean War veteran, a former company sergeant major. Despite being in his 80s, he was active, full of life - if a bit reserved. He was, in a word, very proper.
As they were closing up one night, she finally worked up the courage to ask him some personal questions.
Yes, he'd been married. No, he wasn't now. Yes, the lady in question had died many years ago. No, there'd been nobody else.
"Sergeant-Major," she said, "forgive me for saying so, but you do seem pretty tightly-wrapped."
"It's just my nature," he smiled. "Mind you, 35 years in the Army will do that to a man."
"I know," she said, laying a hand on his arm. "But you're such a kind person." She paused for a moment, blushed and continued. "Perhaps you need a good woman, somebody to make you feel alive again. Um... may I ask when the last time it was when you had sex?"
The old man thought for a moment. "Um, 1959, I think."
"1959!" the girl cried. "No wonder you're so withdrawn!"
With that, she dragged him into the staff lounge and proceeded to 'relax' him several times.
After, surrounding in the afterglow, her head on his shoulder, she whispered, "Well, sir, you haven't forgotten how to please a lady since 1959."
"I should hope not," he whispered back, giving her a fond hug. "After all, it's only 2130 now."
As they were closing up one night, she finally worked up the courage to ask him some personal questions.
Yes, he'd been married. No, he wasn't now. Yes, the lady in question had died many years ago. No, there'd been nobody else.
"Sergeant-Major," she said, "forgive me for saying so, but you do seem pretty tightly-wrapped."
"It's just my nature," he smiled. "Mind you, 35 years in the Army will do that to a man."
"I know," she said, laying a hand on his arm. "But you're such a kind person." She paused for a moment, blushed and continued. "Perhaps you need a good woman, somebody to make you feel alive again. Um... may I ask when the last time it was when you had sex?"
The old man thought for a moment. "Um, 1959, I think."
"1959!" the girl cried. "No wonder you're so withdrawn!"
With that, she dragged him into the staff lounge and proceeded to 'relax' him several times.
After, surrounding in the afterglow, her head on his shoulder, she whispered, "Well, sir, you haven't forgotten how to please a lady since 1959."
"I should hope not," he whispered back, giving her a fond hug. "After all, it's only 2130 now."
Last edited:
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
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Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
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A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be $9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once
again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the
table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket
every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found
an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be $9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once
again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the
table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket
every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found
an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
