More Humour

[Candy_Kane54]

In Ireland, the 99-year-old Mother Superior lay quietly. She was dying.

The Nuns had gathered around her bed, laying garlands around her and trying to make her last journey comfortable.

They wanted to give her warm milk to drink but she declined. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen.

Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, they lifted her head gently and held the glass to her lips.

The very frail Nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.

As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader..

"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."

She raised herself up very slowly in the bed on one elbow, looked at them and said: "DON'T SELL THAT COW."

 

[Handley_Page]

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse."

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

"I don't remember much after that..."

 

[Rustyoznail]

SLIPS OF THE TONGUE
12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on TV and Radio

1.Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator
"This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator
“Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.”

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator
“And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria... I saw her snatch this morning and It was amazing!”

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977
“Ah, isn’t that nice... The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.”

5.US PGA Commentator
"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) Is playing so well is that before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them… Oh my god!! What have I just said???"

6.Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said:
“You’d eat beaver If you could get it.”

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, wheres that eight inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set. but half the crew did too because they were laughing so hard.

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
"Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday."

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
“There’s nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.”

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
“Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis’s rnlsses every chance he gets.”

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1s UK eclipse coverage remarked:
“They seem cold out there, they’re rubbing each other and he’s only come in his shorts.”

12. Kim Brown commenting on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining up shots at the Scottish Open:
"Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do It by himself."

 

[AvroAnson]

Dear Lord,

When it is my time I pray that I go calmly and peacefully in my sleep, like grandpa.

Not screaming and in terror, like the passengers in the car he was driving.

 

[oggbashan]

David Cloeman mis-saids (and others)

David Coleman

"He is one of the great unknown champions because very little is known about him."

"If that had gone in, it would have been a goal."
Advertisement

"We estimate, and this isn't an estimation, that Greta Waltz is 80 seconds behind."

"He is accelerating all the time. The last lap was run in 64 seconds and the one before in 62."

"And the line-up for the final of the women's 400 metres hurdles includes three Russians, two East Germans, a Pole, a Swede and a Frenchman."

"The front wheel crosses the finish line, closely followed by the back wheel."

"The Republic of China: back in the Olympic Games for the first time."

"That's the fastest time ever run, but it's not as fast as the world record."

"Forest have now lost six matches without winning."

"There is a fine line between serendipity and stalking."

"This evening is a very different evening from the morning we had this morning."

"He's seven seconds ahead and that's a good question."

"I think there is no doubt, she'll probably qualify for the final."
Some of his imitators

"Without being too harsh on David, he cost us the match." - Ian Wright

"They didn't change positions, they just moved the players around." - Terry Venables

"Michael Owen to Newcastle is the biggest transfer of the season so far - and it will be until there's a bigger one." - Jim White

"I can learn as much from Darius Vassell as he can from me - but he can learn more" - Andrew Cole

"I'd like to have seen Tony Morley left on as a down-and-out winger." - Jimmy Armfield

"I spent four indifferent years at Goodison, but they were great years." - Martin Hodge


And the one David Coleman wants to forget:

The Batsman is Holding; the bowler's Willey.

 

[BuckyDuckman]

I came here to post this little one-liner from the movie "Police Squad!"

Man #1 sitting in his office surprised by an intruder: Who are you and how did you get in here?

Intruder: I'm a locksmith, and I'm a locksmith.

- - -

Then I saw Ogg's post and it reminded me of the late, great baseball manager Yogi Berra.

- - -

David Coleman

"There is a fine line between serendipity and stalking."

I loved all of these, but especially the one I left behind.

True or not, these have all been attributed to Yogi:

- - - Here are some Yogi-isms - - -

“It ain’t over ’til it’s over.”

“It’s deja vu all over again.” (Probably his most famous "Yogi-ism." Also, it's one that he denies ever saying.)

“When you come to a fork in the road, take it.”

“I usually take a two hour nap from one to four.”

“Never answer an anonymous letter.”

“I want to thank you for making this day necessary.”

“We made too many wrong mistakes.”

“You can observe a lot by watching.”

“The future ain’t what it used to be.”

“Nobody goes there anymore. It’s too crowded.”

“It gets late early out there.”

“If the world were perfect, it wouldn’t be.”

“Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel.”

“If the people don’t want to come out to the ballpark, nobody’s going to stop them.”

“Pair up in threes.”

And his response towards the false attributions?

“I didn’t really say everything I said.”

 

[Handley_Page]

Men Are Just Happier People

What do you expect?


Our last name stays put. The garage is all ours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.


We can never be pregnant. We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. Hell, we can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell us the truth.

The world is our urinal. We never have to drive to another petrol station because the toilet in this one is just too nasty.

We don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress £1500, Morning suit rental £100.00.

People never stare at our chest when we talk to them.

The occasional well-rendered fart is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle our feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

We know stuff about tanks. A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.

We can open all our own jars. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite us, they can still be our friend.

Our underwear is £8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. We never have strap problems in public.

We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes. Everything on our face stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

We only have to shave our face and neck.

We can play with toys all our life.

Our belly usually hides our big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons. We can wear shorts no matter how our legs look.

We can "do" our nails with a pocket knife. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

We can do Christmas shopping for all our relatives on Christmas Eve in 30 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!!!

 

[yowser]

And we get to enjoy synching dual carbs on a 356.

 

[AvroAnson]

And we get to enjoy synching dual carbs on a 356.

Webers or Solex?

(I'm not a guy, but dad and both of my brothers were/are certified mechanics. For some reason sisters helping their brothers work on cars is a recurring theme in some of my fiction.)

 

[TarnishedPenny]

Why Women Are Happier People

Women can flirt with anything that has a pulse.

Women are legally entitled to both blankets and three-quarters of the mattress. It’s a thing; you can look it up.

Women can stop and ask directions without feeling like they’re having their sexuality challenged.

A woman can switch her hair colour six times in two months and her coworkers will still talk to her.

Baldness - enough said...

If she wishes, a woman can change her last name again and again. No problem, no FBI file.

A woman who is feeling blue can lift her mood by putting on some sexy lingerie. A man who tries that had better be auditioning for a Rocky Horror revival.

Women have a choice of what colour to wear to a formal event. As for weddings, who ever looks at what the groom is wearing?

Nobody is going to think less of her if a woman goes to the washroom for a quiet sniffle after her boss gets angry at her.

Once a month, women can get sympathy and time off work for losing their tempers over trivial issues.

Women will never be called wimps if they choose to not engage in bone-breaking sports.

Nobody ever wrote a song about ‘The Boy From Ipanema’. Expand that a bit - just opening a blouse button and smiling sweetly can get free drinks from a bartender, a miniskirt is the cover charge at many nightclubs and chin quavers get total strangers to change flat tires in the pouring rain.

Women dance without feeling foolish or self-conscious. They can dance by themselves in public and not get weird looks.

That women need three suitcases to go on vacation is immaterial because women know they’re not going to be the ones carrying them.

“Women and children first!” Think that one through...

Women can change their minds all the time without being scorned as indecisive.

Women get their tummies patted when they’re pregnant. Anybody ever patted Daddy’s package and exclaimed, “Good job, dude!”

Name three young men who have married billionaires.

Finally - and drum roll, please! So, men can pee standing up? I have two words for you, Ben. Just two words. Are you listening? ‘Multiple orgasms’. Still feeling like you won that lottery?

No wonder women are happier!

 

[PoisonPen33]

It's not just peeing standing up - men can write their names in their snow while peeing. In cursive. Good luck seeing a woman do THAT...

...

...

...I have. College bet my sophomore year. It took an hour and a six-pack of beer, but she did it.

 

[Handley_Page]

A man's car breaks down and he asks at a farmhouse if he can stay the night until his car is repaired.
The farmer says that he can but that he must not touch the farmer's daughter, or he will suffer the three worst tortures of Chinese legend.
The man thinks "how hard can it be NOT to sh@g someone," when in walks a sex-on-legs goddess, hot as hell and gagging for it.
"Damn" thinks the man, "well how bad can these tortures be?"
So after an atheletic night he wakes up alone in the bed and feels an heavy weight on his chest.
Looking down he sees a large rock on his chest with a note on, saying
"Torture 1: Rock on chest"
"Hah!" he thinks and heaves the rock out of the window. As he does so he sees another note on the underside of the rock:
"Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle"
With a scream he throws himself out of the window after the rock, and while doing so he sees a sign on the floor outside:
"Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed frame"

 

[yowser]

Webers or Solex?

(I'm not a guy, but dad and both of my brothers were/are certified mechanics. For some reason sisters helping their brothers work on cars is a recurring theme in some of my fiction.)

It is really between Solex and Zenith, depending on the model, Webers were after-market.

Like erotica, it all ultimately depends on the linkage.

 

[oggbashan]

It is really between Solex and Zenith, depending on the model, Webers were after-market.

Like erotica, it all ultimately depends on the linkage.

And triple carbs in the sixties were a pain in the arse...

And as for Ford's own make? Yeuck!

 

[AvroAnson]

It is really between Solex and Zenith, depending on the model, Webers were after-market.

Like erotica, it all ultimately depends on the linkage.

Years ago there was a guy in Sacramento, California who bought new Brazilian Solexes -- which have no QC to speak of -- rebuilt, mated them to tubes and balanced them before shipping them worldwide. European design, SA manufacture, NA re-manufacture, Australian installation, makes sense ...

 

[AvroAnson]

And triple carbs in the sixties were a pain in the arse...

And as for Ford's own make? Yeuck!

We have a (single) Zenith updraft on a Ford 'A' engine. It's in a (Bernard) Pietenpol Air Camper (airplane) my brothers built many years ago. Works great, of course Zenith also produces the much more expensive Marvel-Schebler line.

 

[Handley_Page]

And we get to enjoy synching dual carbs on a 356.

or synchronizing a pair of Amal Monoblocks on a Triumph Speed Twin. . . .

=== === === ===

***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!! ***
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...


***They walk among us! ***
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped She keeps it in the boot...

 

[fma20fma]

hi

teacher: peter name four animals that live in water.
peter: Frogs teacher.
Teacher: name the others.
Peter: frog's mother,father and brother.

 

[Handley_Page]

A group of youngsters are learning words through the ABC and the teacher asks
"What word begins with the letter A"
Little Billy who has a disorder which leads to him swearing all the time puts his hand up
"Oh oh, Billy will say arse, better not ask Billy, Susan what do you think"
Susan replies
"apple miss"
"that good Susan, now what word begins with the letter B" says the teacher. Billy puts his hand up again
"oh oh, Billy will say bastard, better not ask Billy, Tom what do you think"
Tom replies
"ball miss"
"that's excellent Tom, now I want a word beginning with C" carries on the teacher. Again Billy puts his hand up
"oh oh Billy will say cnut, better not ask Billy, how about you Peter"
"cat" replies Peter.

This continues through the alphabet until they reach the letter P. Billy is now looking extremely exasperated about being ignored
"P, P" the teacher thinks, "I can't think of a swear word with the letter P, Billy what do you think"
Billy smiles sweetly and answers "Pixie miss"
"why Billy thats excellent" she gushes "do you know what pixies do?"
"Yes Miss" he replies "they are all a bunch of randy cnuts who fcuk the bastaard fairies"

 

[LexxRuthless]

This continues through the alphabet until they reach the letter P. Billy is now looking extremely exasperated about being ignored
"P, P" the teacher thinks, "I can't think of a swear word with the letter P, Billy what do you think"
Billy smiles sweetly and answers "Pixie miss"
"why Billy thats excellent" she gushes "do you know what pixies do?"
"Yes Miss" he replies "they are all a bunch of randy cnuts who fcuk the bastaard fairies"

She can't think of a swear word that starts with P?!?

The version I heard utilized the letter R. The teacher thought, "Well, he might say 'rectum' but that's not too awful. When she called on him, Billy shouted, "RATS!"

"Rats?" she said, surprised that he had chosen such a clean answer.

"Yeah! Big mutherfukin' rats this big, with giant dicks!"

 

[Handley_Page]

Magic Beer

This girl is walkin around one of those big revolving bars on the top of a skyscraper, looking for a one nighter. But she comes to the conclusion that all the guys are losers, so she sits down at the bar and sees what happens.

As time goes by, eventually she is the only person left in the room, apart from this one guy sitting at the table. She goes up to him and he strikes up a conversation.

"Hey, you see this beer?"

"yes..."she replies, expecting some cheezy chat up line. "Its magic beer" says the guy.

"What a loser" the girl thought until the guy took a sip of the beer, got up, and said "watch this"

He proceeded to open a window, jump out of it, fly round the whole bar, come back in the window, and sit back down again.

"Wow!" said the girl.

"I told you it was magic beer" said the guy

"let me have a go" said the girl, so she took a gulp of the beer, opened the window and jumped out.......and plunged to her death.

The guy looked up at the bar tender and sniggered.

The bar tender looked at him and said, "Superman, you can be such an @rsehole when you're not working"

 

[Candy_Kane54]

Bert, at 85 years of age, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples, so, seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them. He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the Mrs.

Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?

Margaret at age 83 looked him over and replied, "Nope."

Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "Bert, what’s different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.

Furious, Bert yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!"

Without missing a beat old Margaret replies, "You shoulda bought a new hat

 

[Handley_Page]

Stewardess says to a passenger on a flight, "would you care for an orange juice sir?"

Passenger replies, "Yes if it needed me"

 

[RichardWark]

Just one more light bulb joke.

How many Baby Boomers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change the bulb and one to reminisce about how good the old bulb was.

 

[BuckyDuckman]

Just one more light bulb joke.

How many Baby Boomers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change the bulb and one to reminisce about how good the old bulb was.

I'm at the age that whenever I change a light bulb I think to myself, "Will I ever have to change this bulb again?"

Meanwhile,

How many Catholic mothers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: "Oh, don't worry about me, dear. I'll just sit here in the dark. I'm fine. Really."