More Humour

[Smuttyandfun]

A professor was giving a lecture on involuntary muscular contractions to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, he decided to lighten the mood. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied, "He's probably playing golf with his friends."

 

[Smuttyandfun]

Roses are red Nuts are brown Skirts go up Pants go down Body to body Skin to skin When its stiff Stick it in The Longer its in The Stronger it gets It goes in dry And comes out wet It comes out dripping And starts to sag Its not what you think...... Its a Teabag

 

[Zootonius]

The pronunciation of Uranus has always been problematic. I remember some 40 years ago, Bob Schieffer announcing on the national news:

Tonight, the voyager probe is heading for your anus.

 

[MediocreAuthor]

Four women were chatting near some outdoor shower stalls at the country club. The stalls had dutch doors and the bottom door of one had swung open.

1st lady: Oh! Well, that's not my George.

2nd lady: That's not my Ralph.

3rd lady: Not my Wilbur.

Sweet young thing: Why, he's not even a member of the club!

It took me an embarrassingly long time to get that joke

 

[Cindy027]

It took me an embarrassingly long time to get that joke

Okay then I must be absolutely mortified.

 

[MediocreAuthor]

Some of my favorite, razor sharp wit from the Greek Playwright Aristophanes:

Praxagora: I want all to have a share of everything and all property to be in common; there will no longer be either rich or poor; [...] I shall begin by making land, money, everything that is private property, common to all...

Blepyrus: But who will till the soil?

Praxagora: The slaves.

 

[MediocreAuthor]

Two engineering students crossing the campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.

She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

That one was hilarious

I only know one joke about engineers:

---

An Engineer, a Biologist, and a Mathematician are watching an empty house.

They see two people walk in, but then an hour later, they see four people walk out.

"Our original assumptions about the house must have been incorrect," said the Engineer.

"They must have reproduced!" insisted the Biologist.

"No guys, it's fine," corrects the Mathematician. "As soon as two more people walk back inside, the house will be empty again."

 

[Smuttyandfun]

An elderly couple are celebrating their 50th anniversary at the restaurant where they first met. At dinner they begin reminiscing about old times. "Honey, do you remember when we made love against that fence out back?" the man asks. "Of course", replies the woman, "that was a night to remember! We should do it again, for old times' sake." The old man grins and takes his wife out the back exit. Their waiter, having overheard this, decides he has to see if they can actually still do it, and follows them out. He sees the old woman lift her dress and the old man drop his trousers. As she leans against the fence he enters her. They immediately start fucking like jackhammers, frantically pounding into each other. After going at it for a good while, they collapse back onto the ground and lay there gasping. The waiter approaches, and says, "I'm sorry to seem like a voyeur, but that was some of the most amazing sex I've ever seen! I can't believe you two have been fucking like that for 50 years!" The old man replies, "We haven't. 50 years ago that fence wasn't electrified."

 

[Smuttyandfun]

Steve and two of his buddies go on a camping trip in the woods for a few days where they plan to do some hunting and fishing. That night, they all have a few beers. During this time, Steve continues to pass gas accompanied with loud and disgusting sounds. His two buddies proceed to tell him that he'll fart his guts out if he continues at that pace. The following morning, the two buddies can't wake Steve up to go hunting so decided to leave him there. Soon, they kill a deer and bring it back to camp to dress it. Seeing Steve still cozy in his sleeping bag, they decide to throw the deer's innards in the bag with him. He still doesn't wake up and the two guys decide to fish for a bit. However, after a short while, they can stand it no longer and return to camp. Sure enough, Steve is awake and whistling a tune. The sleeping bags are rolled up, the camp is tidy, and coffee is on the pot. "Hey guys!" "Hey Steve how's it going?" "Great! Well, there's one thing. You know how you guys always tell me I'm going to fart my guts out? Well it happened last night. I woke up and they were everywhere.......but.......by the grace of God......and these two fingers..........I got every one of them back in.

 

[Smuttyandfun]

So, three secretaries all left the office for lunch together. As they got in the elevator, they noticed a small pool of whitish fluid on the floor.

The brunette said, "Ew! Is that sperm?"

The redhead leaned a little closer, then said, "Yep, definitely sperm."

The blonde leaned down and scooped up a fingerful. After tasting it she said, "Well, it's certainly not anyone in our office."

 

[jehoram]

An old joke from when there were "steno pools" in offices where women typed up the notes they took for the executives.

I guy goes into the typing pool and says, "I heard a new joke today. Why did the new Pope raise all the urinals in the Vatican?"

A girl replies, "Gee, I don't know. Why?"

The guy says, "To keep the cardinals on their toes!" and walks away chuckling.

"I don't get it," says one of the girls. "Can you explain it for me?"

"How would I know," says another one. "I'm not Catholic!"

 

[Smuttyandfun]

Wife mowing the lawn​

One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.
The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!"
I took a drink from my bottle of beer, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosy ass neighbor and then calmly replied:
"I am. That’s why she cuts the grass."

 

[Smuttyandfun]

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband tries, "My Penis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

 

[Smuttyandfun]

An old man went for a physical and his wife joined him. The doctor asked for a urine sample, blood sample, fecal sample, and sperm sample. His wife said, "Just give the doctor your underwear, Morty."​

 

[Smuttyandfun]

What's six inches long, hard as a rock, and full of semen? The sock under my bed.​

 

[Smuttyandfun]

A woman walks into a doctor's office complaining of acute angina. The doctor says, "Your tits aren't bad, either."​

 

[Smuttyandfun]

A man walks into a barber shop and looks at the barber. He says, “How long until I can get a hair cut?” The barber looks around his shop and then says, “Three hours.” The man says okay, and then leaves. Three hours go by and he doesn’t come back. A few days later the man is back at the barber shop. He asks, “How long until I can get a hair cut?” The barber looks around and says, “About two and a half hours.” The man nods and then leaves and he doesn’t come back. The man does this for a while.​

One day he comes in again and asks, “How long until I can get a haircut?” The barber, a bit hesitant, says “About an hour, you can chill here if you want.” The man shakes his head and says, “It’s okay. I’ll be back,” and he leaves. The barber looks at one of his friends and says, “Follow that guy. I wanna know what he’s doing.” The friend nods and follows the stranger. When the friend gets back he’s laughing. The barber says, “Where did he go?” The friend says, “To your house.”

 

[Smuttyandfun]

Two married couples went on a weekend vacation together. As the weekend passed, and they were having a good time, one of them said, "You know what I always wanted to try was that partner-swapping thing." As they all glanced at each other, they then decided to just go for it. A couple hours later after some mad, passionate love-making, one of the guys exclaimed, "I can't believe I waited this long to do this. That was amazing...I wonder how the girls are doing."​

 

[Smuttyandfun]

Bob was mowing his yard when he saw his neighbor walking past with duck tape. Bob asked, "Whatcha doin' with that tape?" His neighbor replied, "I'm gonna catch some ducks," and continued onwards. Later, he returned with ducks wrapped in his tape! The next day, Bob sees his neighbor walking past with a monkey wrench. Bob asks "Whatcha doin' with that monkey wrench?" He replies, "I'm gonna catch some monkeys" and continues onwards. Later he returns with monkeys. The next day, Bob sees his neighbor walking past with some pussywillows. Bob says, "Wait, let me get my hat!"​

 

[Smuttyandfun]

A customer walks up to an employee at GNC. He says, "You won't believe this, there's a man over there sticking his penis in a container of protein powder!" The employee looks over and yells, "No fucking whey!"​

 

[JTass]

A young couple take their son to the circus for the first time. Just as the elephants are coming into the ring, the father goes off to get drinks and snacks for his family. The boy is squirming with excitement at seeing the elephants, then pauses and asks his mom, "Mommy, what's that long thing on the elephant?"

The mother smiles and says, "That's the elephant's trunk, Sweetie."

"No, not his trunk, on the other end."

"Oh, that's the elephant's tail."

"No, not the tail. What's that underneath?"

The mother blushes furiously, and says, "Um, uhhh... It's nothing, Honey. Don't worry about it."

Just then, the father returns, and the mother goes off to the bathroom to compose herself.

The boy starts a similar conversation with his father. "Daddy, what's that long thing on the elephant?"

"That's the elephant's trunk, son."

"Daddy, I know what an elephant's trunk is! What's that long thing underneath the elephant?" the boy asks, pointing.

The father clears his throat, and calmly explains, "That's the elephant's penis, Buddy."

Curiosity satisfied, the boy replies, "Oh. OK." After a second, the boy asks, "Daddy, how come when I asked Mommy what it was, she said it was nothing?"

The father pauses for a long moment, then says, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."

 

[JTass]

In 1986, Peter Davies was on a photo-safari in Kenya after graduating from college. During a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's leg and found a sharp stone deeply embedded in the sole of its right forefoot. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the stone out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments then touched Peter's face with his trunk. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but how easily the elephant could crush him. After a few moments, the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teen-aged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its right front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at Peter.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage; climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He tentatively approached the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter's legs and began repeatedly slamming him against the wall of the enclosure.

Peter's last thought before he lost consciousness was "Yeah, OK... Not the same elephant."

 

[JTass]

Did you hear about the prostitute who accidentally mixed up her lube with window putty?

All her windows fell out.

 

[Trionyx]

I once walked in on my parents having sex. It was the most embarrassing thirty minutes of my life.

Norm Macdonald

 

[Trionyx]

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person — so I can get a better girlfriend.

Anthony Jeselnik