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More Humour

jehoram said:
Actually, it started out as "duck tape." That was the brand name for the tape we all know and love. Imitators used "duct tape" for their clones to avoid trademark infringement. Anybody who installs ducts for a living will tell you that it's terrible for sealing ducts. As for sealing ducks, I wouldn't know, and don't want to know.
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Actually, "Duck" tape was a brand with a number of different tapes including one for a quick repair on ductwork. Other brands of duct repair tape existed then and still do. The linguistic and product similarities have resulted in the two terms being confounded.
 
Tio_Narratore said:
Actually, "Duck" tape was a brand with a number of different tapes including one for a quick repair on ductwork. Other brands of duct repair tape existed then and still do. The linguistic and product similarities have resulted in the two terms being confounded.
Click to expand...
Well Fuct a Duct! Thanks to those who took it for what it was and those who correctly realised that it was a brand name but honesty it was just a silly joke, not world peace. Please let's not over analyse, have a good day everyone wherever you are.
 
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At the general's retirement party, he was approached by the most beautiful woman in the room.

"Thank you for your years of service," she told him.

The general replied, "You're welcome, Ma'am."

She then asked, "General, when was the last time that you had sex?"

"1952," was the reply.

"Oh my God! You poor man. Come to my room with me right now and I'll make this the night that you deserve."

The General escorted the woman to her room where she did everything imaginable to bring pleasure to a man.

Afterwards, while still gasping for air, the General said, "That was spectacular, but it's already 2215, and I really should get back to the party."
 
When I was younger I remember hearing a story that spawned some of my first "raunchy", only for friends storytelling. It's been so long that I'm not sure I remember it correctly, but I'll give it a try. If anyone has heard it please join in or fix my mistakes. It doesn't translate well to print, so read it with what seems like the appropriate verbal "pauses for effect".

"Hello, I'm Detective Joe Friday. I work on Thursday. She's my gal.

One day a lady walked into my office and shoved two 45's and a gun in my face and said "Be at the party or else." So we went to the party.

We got in the car and we were nearly out of gas so we went to pump some ethyl. Ethyl wasn't home so we got the gas and left.

When we got to the party, everyone was feeling Merry. So Merry left.

When Mary left everyone jumped for Joy. So Joy left with Merry.

The partygoers sucked for a Friday...but not for a Thursday so we left.

On the way back to the office, a rock hit the windshield, scared my gal, and she slammed her knees together. Broke the windshield and two of my fingers.

We ended up with a flat tire so we jacked, we pumped, and we screwed. Then we got out to fix the tire." ...


I'm sure it was longer but I can't remember in my old age.
 

"A man walks into the therapist's office and says, 'I think I might be a dog.' The therapist offers him a seat, and the man responds, 'Oh I'm not allowed on the furniture.'"​

 
Two engineering students crossing the campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.

She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
 
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Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the
possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer." Just look at all the
joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system
has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would
run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
 
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was
better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid
foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because the passion
and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?"

"Yeah.. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you
are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get
some work done."
 
A man is sitting at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts. "Honey, can you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and replies, "Fix the light, Does it look like I have GE stamped on my forehead?"
"Fine, if you can't fix the light, how about the refrigerator door? It has closed properly in months."
He replies, "Fix the door? Does it look like I have Whirlpool stamped on my forehead?"
"Well, if you can't fix that stuff, what about the front steps? They're ready to cave in!"
He replies, "Do I have Home Depot stamped on my forehead?" Tired of his wifes nagging, he heads to the bar to catch the rest of the game. After an hour or so, he starts to feel guilty and heads home to apologize and to fix the light, the door and the steps.
When he gets home, he notices that the steps are fixed, the fridge door is closed properly and the light is no longer flickering. He finds his wife and asks, "Honey, how did all this get fixed?"
"Well, after you left, I went outside and cried. A nice young gentleman asked me what was wrong and I told him. He told me he would fix everything if I either went to bed with him or baked him a cake."
Her husband asks, "What kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replies, "Do I have Betty Crocker stamped on my forehead?"
 
A couple was unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, the husband kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning," he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," the woman cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for my husband and me!"
"Well, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped the woman.
"In my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that." he said.
"Don't I know it," she said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my God!" she exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked the woman.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" said the woman, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied, "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
The woman leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh .. . . .equipment?"
"It's true, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand for very long."

The woman fainted.
 

"A couple on their first date decide to go to his place afterwards. When they arrive, before he even gets the house keys out of his pocket, the girl says, 'You know, I can actually tell whether the man I’m dating and I are compatible just based on how he opens the door. If he busts it open, it means that he’s a selfish lover, and that’s definitely not someone I’m interested in. If he drops the keys, it means that he’s inexperienced in bed, and that’s not who I’m looking for either. So how do you open the door?'”​

“'Well,' says the guy, 'I’ll just lick the lock first if you don’t mind.'”
 
  • A man asks, “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?” God responded, ”So you would love her.” The man asks, “But God, why did you make her so dumb?” God replied, “So she would love you.”
 
8

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall...​


The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
"Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
 
A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got a problem, I have five penises."

The doctor says "Wow, how do your pants fit?"

He replies, "Like a glove."
 
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There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. He went to the doctor to get a sperm count. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back. The elderly man came back the next day; the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. The doctor asked, "What was the problem?" The elderly man said, "Well, I tried with my right hand... nothing. I tried with my left hand... nothing. So my wife tried with her right hand... nothing. Her left hand... nothing. Her mouth... nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth... still nothing. The doctor replied, "Wait a minute, did you say your wife's friend too?!" The elderly man answered, "Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup."
 
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