More Humour

[Cacatua_Galerita]

"A pun is the lowest form of humor, unless you thought of it yourself" -- numerous authors

Well, I did think of this meme’s wordplay myself (derived from Herbert Morrison’s radio commentary of the Hindenburg disaster). But my humor definitely wasn’t ‘too soon’ – a quick Google search showed this pun had already been punted more than once. So you’re seeing the best of the meme depictions by others.

A similar disappointment happened ~20 years ago, the prior time I was touched by brilliance. My idea; if I printed a Ouija board onto a mouse mat then I’d be able to work on two planes at once. This idea was so good that, of course, someone else had already thought of it and bought it to market. So I had to send them $20 to buy my own ‘Ouija Board Mouse Mat’ idea.

 

[Smuttyandfun]

"An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'"​

"'Of course, child,' the priest says. 'What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you,' she replied.

When they got to customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

Father replied, 'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'"

 

[Smuttyandfun]

"A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as he gets home, it fucks all of his 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock again screws all 150 hens. Next day it's fucking the ducks and the geese, too. Sadly, later in the day the farmer finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling over its head."​

"The farmer yells, 'You deserve it, you horny bastard!' The cock slowly opens one eye, looks up at the sky, and whispers, 'Shhhhhh, They're about to land!!!'"

 

[Smuttyandfun]

"A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, 'What are these, Dad?'"​

"To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.'

'Oh I see,' replied the boy pensively. 'Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.'

He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, 'Why are there three in this package?'

The dad replies, 'Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.'

'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies: 'Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March...'"

 

[Smuttyandfun]

"A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door, she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator."​

"'What are you doing?' the mother exclaimed.

The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents, and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.

'What are you doing?!' he exclaimed.

The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents, and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'

A couple of days later, the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

'What are you doing?' she exclaimed.

He replied............'Watching the game with my son-in-law.'"

 

[Smuttyandfun]

Jeff and his wife are having a hard time paying the rent. One night Jeff decides he is going to stand on a street corner and whore himself out. The next day he comes home and tells his wife that he worked really hard and made $200.05.

His wife looking confused asked, "Which cheap bitch gave you the nickel?" Smirking he shrugs and says, "All of them."

 

[12oclocktales]

Jeff and his wife are having a hard time paying the rent. One night Jeff decides he is going to stand on a street corner and whore himself out. The next day he comes home and tells his wife that he worked really hard and made $200.05.

His wife looking confused asked, "Which cheap bitch gave you the nickel?" Smirking he shrugs and says, "All of them."

Are you sure you didn't mix up Jeff with his wife? It seems funnier the other way around. Of course you'd have to change 'bitch' to 'bastard.'

 

[JTass]

 

[SimonDoom]

THE COLLEGE THEME PAPER: HE VS. SHE
Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are
from Venus"? Well, here's a prime example offered by
an English professor at an American University.
"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story.
The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person
sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write
the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the
first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the
story. The first person will then add a third
paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to
re-read what has been written each time in order to
keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO
talking and anything you wish to say must be written
on the paper. The story is over when both agree a
conclusion has been reached."
The following was actually turned in by two of my English
students: Rebecca -last name deleted, and Gary
last name deleted.
------------------------------------------------------
STORY:
(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea
she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her
favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her
too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times,
that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at
all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness
was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much
her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was
out of the question.
------------------------------------------------------
(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of
the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had
more important things to think about than the neuroses
of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with
whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago.
"A.S. Harris to Geostation 17, he said into his transgalactic
communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so
far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam
flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo
bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat into the
cockpit.
------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately but
not before he felt one last pang of regret for
psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for
him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities
towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law
Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her
newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and
bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her
youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and
carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to
distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all
the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose
one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered
wistfully.
------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10
seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city,
the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion
missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral
Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth
a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who
were determined to destroy the human race. Within two
hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian
ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough
firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one
to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical
plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the
atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret
Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off
the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive
explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85
million other Americans. The President slammed his
fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this!
I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of
the sky!"
------------------------------------------------------
(rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature.
My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate
adolescent.
------------------------------------------------------
(gary)
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic
whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent
of Valium. "Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I
have some other sort of F*CKING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such
an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels."
------------------------------------------------------
(rebecca)
Asshole.
------------------------------------------------------
(gary)
Bitch.
------------------------------------------------------
(rebecca)
Wanker.
------------------------------------------------------
(gary)
slut.
------------------------------------------------------
(rebecca)
Get f*cked.
------------------------------------------------------
(gary)
Eat shit.
------------------------------------------------------
(rebecca)
F*CK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
------------------------------------------------------
(gary)
Go drink some tea - whore.
**********************************************
(teacher)
A+ - I really liked this one.



Comshaw

I saw this a long time ago and was inspired to write my own Loving Wives version of it: https://www.literotica.com/s/cuckolds-and-incels-a-chain-story

 

[Astrotrain]

If you fuck your stepsister it's not incest as long as you say "no chromo".

 

[JTass]

 

[Smuttyandfun]

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

 

[Smuttyandfun]

A guy decides to do something nice for his girlfriend before they leave on vacation so he gets her name tattooed on his penis. He comes home and shows it to her. She looks at it and says, "That's great, sweetie, but what is 'Wy'?" He tells her to rub it and as she does she sees it actually reads "Wendy." When they arrive at Montego Bay, the couple are walking along a nude beach and the boyfriend notices a black guy with "Wy" on his penis. He asks the man if he also has a girlfriend named Wendy. The black guy laughs and says, "Nah, mon, mine says 'Welcome to Jamaica have a nice day.'"

 

[JTass]

(Text string between boy and girl)

Boy: I'd love a blow job.
Girl: Geez, could you be any less romantic?
Boy: I'd love a blow job while the moonlight shines in your hair.

 

[SimonDoom]

 

[JTass]

 

[JTass]

 

[Candy_Kane54]

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar.

The bartender says to the priest, “Do you need a beer?” The priest replies, “No, son, I don’t drink beer. Just a coke.”

The bartender says to the minister, “Do you need a beer?” The minister replies, “No, son, I don’t drink beer. Just a coke.”

The bartender says to the rabbit, “Do you need a beer?” The rabbit says, “How should I know? I’m just a typo.”

 

[Smuttyandfun]

I'm a mailman. At Christmas this year, Mrs. Jankowitz met me at the door and invited me in for a great breakfast spread. After I ate, I thanked her and she said, "There's more." She took me to her bedroom and showed me moves I had never imagined. I told her I had no idea she felt this way. She said, "I don't." I ask, "What was all this about?" She says, "I asked the husband what to give the mailman." He said, "Screw the mailman, breakfast was my idea."

 

[Smuttyandfun]

A boy was going through his grandmother's wallet one night and found her ID card. "Grandma?" he asked,"How much do you weigh?" His grandmother replied, "That's not an appropriate question, Jimmy" He then asked, "How old are you?" She again replied, "That's not appropriate, Jimmy." Finally he asked, "Grandma, why did grandpa leave you?" Before she had time to answer, Jimmy looked at the card and said, "Oh I see, it's because you got an 'F' in sex."

 

[UKSilverFox]

Bob was mowing his yard when he saw his neighbor walking past with duck tape. Bob asked, "Whatcha doin' with that tape?" His neighbour replied, "I'm gonna catch some ducks," and continued onwards. Later, he returned with ducks wrapped in his tape! ​

The next day, Bob sees his neighbor walking past with a monkey wrench. Bob asks "Whatcha doin' with that monkey wrench?" He replies, "I'm gonna catch some monkeys" and continues onwards. Later he returns with monkeys. ​

The next day, Bob sees his neighbour walking past with some pussywillows. Bob says, "Wait, let me get my hat!"​

 

[UKSilverFox]

What’s the difference between a golf ball & G-spot?​

A guy will spend hours looking for a golf ball.​

 

[UKSilverFox]

Two nuns are riding their bicycles around the backstreets of Rome. One nun looks over at the other and says,​

"You know, I’ve never come this way before."​

The other nun replies, "Must be the cobblestones."​

 

[Trionyx]

Bob was mowing his yard when he saw his neighbor walking past with duck tape. Bob asked, "Whatcha doin' with that tape?" His neighbour replied, "I'm gonna catch some ducks," and continued onwards. Later, he returned with ducks wrapped in his tape! ​

​

You do know that it is actually called DUCT tape.

 

[jehoram]

You do know that it is actually called DUCT tape.

Actually, it started out as "duck tape." That was the brand name for the tape we all know and love. Imitators used "duct tape" for their clones to avoid trademark infringement. Anybody who installs ducts for a living will tell you that it's terrible for sealing ducts. As for sealing ducks, I wouldn't know, and don't want to know.