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More Humour

Smuttyandfun said:
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!
Click to expand...
Technically, the elephant isn’t going as fast as it has to cover less distance (smaller circumference) than the horses and lion do for each turn of the merry-go-round.
 
Smuttyandfun said:
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!
Click to expand...
D straight up cackled when I retold this joke 🤣
 
A truck driver walks into a cafe on the Hume Highway with a full-grown emu behind him.
The waitress asks for his order.
The truckie says, "I'll have a hamburger, chips and a coffee." He turns to the emu, "What about you?"
"Sounds good to me, I'll have the same," the emu replies.
The waitress returns with their orders. "That'll be $21.50 please."
The truckie reaches into his pocket, pulls out the exact change and pays her.
The next day, the truckie and the emu return. He repeats his order, "A hamburger, chips and a coffee, please." The emu repeats, "Sounds good. Same for me, please."
Once more, the truckie reaches into his pocket and produces the exact amount.

This is their routine for a couple of days. One night, the two enter again.
"I guess you'll have the usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, it's Friday night. I'll have a steak, baked potatoes and a salad," says the truckie. "Sounds great, same for me, too," says the emu.
The waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $62.65."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "You’ve really got me there, mate. How do you manage to always have the exact change every time?
The truck driver grinned. "Well, a few years back, I was cleaning out my shed and stumbled on an old lamp. When I polished it up, a genie popped out and granted me two wishes. My first wish was that anytime I had to pay for something, I could just reach in my pocket, and the exact change would be there."
"That's brilliant!" said the impressed waitress. "No need for a million bucks... you'll never run out of money!"
"Exactly," said the truck driver, smiling. "Whether it's a pack of gum or a new car, I've always got the exact amount!"
The waitress, still eyeing the emu, finally curiously asked, "So, what about the emu?"

The truck driver sighed and shrugged. "Well, my second wish was for a tall bird with long legs and a great personality who'd agree with everything I say."
 

A chicken and a horse become best friends on their farm.​

Every day, they go out walking together, talking, laughing and generally enjoying each other's company. One day, they happen to wander too closely to a sinkhole, and the horse falls in. As the horse flails about, the chicken looks around desperately, trying to figure out how to save her friend. That's when she remembers that the farmer owns a shiny, new Harley Davidson motorcycle; she ties a rope to one end of the motorcycle and throws the other end to the horse. It takes a bit of time and effort, but she manages to pull him out of the sinkhole.

About a week goes by, and the horse and chicken are out walking again. This time, the chicken slips into a sinkhole, and starts flailing around wildly. The horse looks around for a moment, but then simply straddles the sinkhole. The chicken grabs onto the horse's swinging appendage, and the horse walks away from the sinkhole with the very relieved chicken clinging to him.

"I can't believe you were able to save me so fast!" the chicken cries.

The horse flashes a smile and says, "Well, when you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks."
 

Lady and the Farmer​

A farmer stopped by a hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. Then he stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store, he wondered how to carry all his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head, he was approached by a lady who told him she was lost.

She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to this address please?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot.'

The lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the lady home.

On the way, he said, 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The lady looked him over cautiously and said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to protect me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes, lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'
 
Rustyoznail said:
A truck driver walks into a cafe on the Hume Highway with a full-grown emu behind him.
The waitress asks for his order.
The truckie says, "I'll have a hamburger, chips and a coffee." He turns to the emu, "What about you?"
"Sounds good to me, I'll have the same," the emu replies.
The waitress returns with their orders. "That'll be $21.50 please."
The truckie reaches into his pocket, pulls out the exact change and pays her.
The next day, the truckie and the emu return. He repeats his order, "A hamburger, chips and a coffee, please." The emu repeats, "Sounds good. Same for me, please."
Once more, the truckie reaches into his pocket and produces the exact amount.

This is their routine for a couple of days. One night, the two enter again.
"I guess you'll have the usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, it's Friday night. I'll have a steak, baked potatoes and a salad," says the truckie. "Sounds great, same for me, too," says the emu.
The waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $62.65."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "You’ve really got me there, mate. How do you manage to always have the exact change every time?
The truck driver grinned. "Well, a few years back, I was cleaning out my shed and stumbled on an old lamp. When I polished it up, a genie popped out and granted me two wishes. My first wish was that anytime I had to pay for something, I could just reach in my pocket, and the exact change would be there."
"That's brilliant!" said the impressed waitress. "No need for a million bucks... you'll never run out of money!"
"Exactly," said the truck driver, smiling. "Whether it's a pack of gum or a new car, I've always got the exact amount!"
The waitress, still eyeing the emu, finally curiously asked, "So, what about the emu?"

The truck driver sighed and shrugged. "Well, my second wish was for a tall bird with long legs and a great personality who'd agree with everything I say."
Click to expand...
Well worth sharing!

But too long to join the Type-O joke in my list of all time favorites.
 
True story, from just a few minutes ago.

I am in the grocery store, dutifully going down my list. "Eggs." Okay, they're next to the milk case, "milk" also on the list. I pick up a gallon and turn around, and find a long-time friend, a store employee, had stepped into the dairy department to shuffle stock. He and I chat about the insane prices of eggs, and he points me to the electronic shelf tag in front of the dozen-and-a-half extra-large.

"I dunno. That's a little weird. Spooky."

The shelf tag is posted "$6.66."

"Oh. No problem," I tell him. "Those are deviled eggs."

It only took him about five seconds.
 
A pirate walks into a bar with a big ship's wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender says, "Excuse me, sir, but do you know you have a ship's wheel down the front of your pants?" And the pirate says...

"Aaargh, it's driving me nuts!!"
 
The lady golfer came in from her round on the course. The golf pro asked her how she did.

"Terrible. I got stung by a wasp!"

"Where'd it sting you?"

"Between the first and second hole."

"Well first of all, your stance is too wide."
 
A big-city businessman has had enough of the rat race so he moves to an isolated cabin deep in the woods.

He's been there a few days when there's a knock on his door. There stands a grizzled old mountain man.

"I live over that mountain. I come to invite ya to a party," says the old man.

"Well this is a surprise," the man says. "I didn't even know I had any neighbors. I'd love to go to the party. Thanks for inviting me!"

The old man turns to walk away, then turns back. "I guess I should warn ya. There's gonna be drinkin'."

"Well, I can certainly hold my liquor. No problem there."

"And I guess I oughta let you know, there's gonna be fightin'."

"I never go looking for trouble, but I think I can handle myself."

"And you should know there's gonna be lovin'."

"Hmmm. Well, I have been getting lonely out here, so I think I can handle that too!"

The old man once again turns to walk away. The man in the cabin calls out, "Wait! Should I bring anything?"

"Bring anything you want. Just gonna be you and me."
 
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.

They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred Blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.

After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, "Would you care to do it again?"

He asks her "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down And you shit on its head."
 
A regular walks into his local bar and orders a beer. The bartender sees that he has a black eye and says, "geez! Where'd ya get that?"
"Church."
"Church?!"
"Yeah - me and my best buddy were in church and there was a gorgeous woman in a sun dress in the pew in front of us. When we stand up to say the Lord's prayer, her dress is caught between her cheeks so I pulled it out. She turned around and belted me."
"Geez."
"Yeah." He finishes his beer and goes home.

Next week, he's back in with another black eye and orders a beer. The bartender sees it and says, "geez! Where'd ya get this one?!"
"Church."
"CHURCH?!"
"Yeah - me and my best buddy were in church and the same woman was in front of us. When we stand up to say the Lord's prayer, her dress is caught between her cheeks so my buddy pulls it out. I say to him, 'she don't like it like that.' and I stuffed it back in..."
 
Ethel loves to charge around the nursing home in her wheelchair, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to a maximum speed on the long corridors.

Everybody tolerates each other, and some of the men have actually been known to join in.

The other day Ethel was speeding up a corridor when a door opened and Mad Mike stepped out of his room with his arm outstretched, "STOP!" he said in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird William popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a beer coaster and held it up to him. William nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Bonkers Brian stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizeable erection in his hand.

"Oh, no!" said Ethel, "Not the Breathalyzer again!"
 
An elderly lady at the old folks' home turned to the old man sitting next to her and says, "I bet I can tell you how old you are."

The old guy says, "Ok, go ahead."

So the lady reaches over, unzips his fly, reaches in there, feels around for a bit and says, "You're 83."

He says, "How did you know?!"

She says, "You told me yesterday."
 
Last edited:
EXERCISES FOR SENIORS

You know how important exercise is, as we grow older. Here are a few suggestions. I start by standing outside behind the house and, with a five-pound potato sack in each hand, extend my arms straight out to my sides and hold them there as long as I can.

After a few weeks, I moved up to 10-pound potato sacks, then 50-pound potato sacks and finally I got to where I could lift a 100-pound potato sack in each hand and hold my arms straight out for more than a full minute!

Next, I started putting a few potatoes IN the sacks, but I would caution you not to overdo it at this level.
 
Smuttyandfun said:
EXERCISES FOR SENIORS

You know how important exercise is, as we grow older. Here are a few suggestions. I start by standing outside behind the house and, with a five-pound potato sack in each hand, extend my arms straight out to my sides and hold them there as long as I can.

After a few weeks, I moved up to 10-pound potato sacks, then 50-pound potato sacks and finally I got to where I could lift a 100-pound potato sack in each hand and hold my arms straight out for more than a full minute!

Next, I started putting a few potatoes IN the sacks, but I would caution you not to overdo it at this level.
Click to expand...
This one made me laugh out loud. It shouldn't have. Sorta stupid, actually. But it did! Thanks!
 
Here's an ancient one. So old it might need to be capitalised, like an Ancient One.

A man is sitting at home one day when there's a ring at the door. When he answers it, he sees a bubbly blonde standing on his porch.

"Hi!" she says. "Do you have any odd jobs you want doing? I'm great at painting, or woodwork, or whatever."

The man thinks for a second, then says, "Sure. The porch needs painting."

The bubbly blonde agrees, so he gets paint and a brush and leaves her to it.

Half an hour later, to his surprise, she's knocking on his window. "I'm finished!"

"Finished? That was fast! Did you do the entire porch?"

"Of course I did. Although I have to say, I thought it was a Ferrari."
 
An Aeroplane is about to crash. A female passenger jumps up and shouts, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman!". With that she strips off her clothes and says, "Is there someone on this plane who's man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A male passenger shouts, "Yes, me!" He stands up, tears off his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"
 
  1. A family's driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windshield. Embarrassed, and trying to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, dear. That was just an insect." "Wow," the boy replies. "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"
 
"My mom told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying, 'Can I have a new bike?' He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike."
 
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