More Humour

[MediocreAuthor]

Professor Delmar is giving a lecture on sex.

He asks the class how many sexual positions they are familiar with.

One very excitied young man named Reggie stands up and shouts, "I know 2,341!"

The professor nods, rolling his eyes slightly.

As he continues around the room, he gets a few more realistic numbers, but one shy girl in the back hesitates to answer.

"Miss Jane, you haven't answered yet. How many sexual positions are you familiar with?"

"Just... uhhh... just one, I guess," she says, timidly.

"Only one? That's uncommon, but nothing to be ashamed of. You're here to learn. Would you mind telling the class which position that is?"

Jane blushes deeply and stammers, " I... ahh... I don't know what it's called, but it's the one where the girl lies on her back and spreads her legs, and the guy is kinda on top... and he sticks his thingy in her..."

"2,342 !" Reggie exclaims.

 

[MediocreAuthor]

The same professor Delmar is continuing his lecture when a woman raises her hand.

"Professor, I need you to resolve an argument between me and my husband." She gestures to the man next to her. "We took this class together, and we've been arguing about this forever."

"Sit down, Jean," her husband responds, embarrassed.

"Nonsense! You're just afraid the teacher is going to side with me! Professor, my husband keeps calling me 'frigid' just because I hate sex! Will you tell him that's not so?"

The husband stands to his feet. "See, she admits it! She hates sex, and she's a frigid bitch!"

An indignant look washes across Jean's face as she snaps, "How dare you talk about me like that?! You can just go fuck yourself!"

"2,343 !" Reggie exclaims.

 

[TarnishedPenny]

“Of course I like sex!” said the woman to the marriage councillor, “but this maniac wants it, like, three or four times a year!”

 

[Smuttyandfun]

A policeman pulled me over and said, "Papers?"
I said, "Scissors, I win," and drove off.
He must have wanted a rematch because he's been chasing me for 45 minutes.

 

[Smuttyandfun]

My wife put on a sexy officer outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed. After a short trial, I was found not guilty.

 

[Smuttyandfun]

Officer: “How high are you?”

Driver: “No, officer, it’s 'Hi, how are you?'”

 

[Smuttyandfun]

Police officer: "So I'm writing you a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane."

Me: "You're going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk."

 

[Smuttyandfun]

A police officer is driving down the freeway when he looks over and spots a granny knitting whilst balancing the steering wheel with her knees. He pulls alongside the granny, and angrily shouts "Pull over!" The granny shouts back, "No, it's a scarf"

 

[Smuttyandfun]

There’s a man in the town who’s stealing the wheels of police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

 

[AG31]

There’s a man in the town who’s stealing the wheels of police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

L'dOL

 

[Comshaw]

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....
Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right
through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful!
Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and
see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on
the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done:
glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on
its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my
window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.
You see, I'm a genie and I've been trapped in that bottle for a
thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to
grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind,
I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and
blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my
life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do.
And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every
country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe
from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a
woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex
with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know
we both now have a fortune and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're
right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what
about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the
same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of
the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After
about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked
directly into her eyes and asked "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"NO SHIT. Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in
genies?"

 

[MediocreAuthor]

My wife put on a sexy officer outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed. After a short trial, I was found not guilty.

That one was REALLY good.

 

[TarnishedPenny]

My wife put on a sexy officer outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed. After a short trial, I was found not guilty.

Was it a moving violation?

 

[Smuttyandfun]

Guy gets pulled over by the police officer.

Police officer: "It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter "M"."

Guy: "No problem. Malphabet."

 

[Smuttyandfun]

A college professor is driving home drunk one Saturday night. When he gets pulled over. The police officer comes up to his window and asks him:

"Excuse me sir, you were speeding, you ran a red light and you appear to be drunk, where are you going?"

The professor replies: "I am currently on my way to a lecture concerning the dangers of drinking, smoking and staying up late."

The police officer says: "Who could possibly be giving that kind of lecture at this time?"

The professor responds: "My wife."

 

[Smuttyandfun]

The police came to a man's house tonight holding a picture of his wife. They said, "Is this your wife, sir?" Shocked, the man answered, "Yes." They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus." Man said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."

 

[Smuttyandfun]

Me: "It's not how many times you fall, it's how many times you get back up."

Police officer: "That's not how sobriety tests work."

 

[Smuttyandfun]

A drunk is walking around downtown. When he walks up to a officer to complain that his car has been stolen.

The police officer asks, "Well, where was the last place you saw it?"

The drunk says, "It was right here at the end of this key."

The police officer says, "Well, I suggest you go over to the station house and fill out a report."

The drunk starts to walk away when the police officer says, "Hey, before you go, you might want to zip your fly."

The drunk looks down and says, "Aw, man, they got my girl, too."

 

[Britva415]

Light bulb riddle:

How many librarians does it take to change the light bulb?

Answer in a very quiet voice: "Just the one"

 

[Dom70]

The police came to mans house tonight holding a picture of his wife. They said, "Is this your wife, sir?" Shocked, man answered, "Yes." They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus." Man said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."

I don't usually guffaw at jokes...but I did at THAT one! LMAO!

 

[Smuttyandfun]

A lady who is cheating on her husband​

There's a lady who is cheating on her husband. One day while they are having sex she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says "oh no! What should we do?!" She says "hurry! Get dressed and go to the living room!" Once they're in the living room she starts sprinkling baby powder all over him. He says "what are you doing?" She says "I'm making you white like a statue. Just stand in a pose, my husband will never know you're real, because he's stupid!" Her husband comes in and sees them and says to her "what's that?" She says "Well, me and Mrs. Johnson next door went shopping today. She has one just like it. I liked hers so much that she took me to get one." He shrugs it off and goes about his business. That night the boyfriend is still standing in the living room still posed, too afraid to escape. He hears the husband wake up and open the bedroom door. The husband walks past him, opens the fridge, pops open a beer and makes a bologna sandwich. He then walks up to the boyfriend and hands him the beer and sandwich and says "Here, I was next door at Mrs.Johnson's house stuck in that position for 2 days and no one gave me anything to eat."

 

[Smuttyandfun]

Woman cheats on her husband​

A woman is cheating on her husband and her husband comes home early. In a panic her lover hides in the closet. While hiding in the closet he hears a voice "Sure is dark in here."

The man panics and turns and finds a little boy. "What're you doing in here?"

"I like hiding, what were you doing with mommy?"

"Nothing,"

"Doesn't look like it, I'm gonna tell daddy."

"Is there anything I can do to keep you quiet kid?"

"I got a baseball glove, do you want to buy it"

The man, with no real time to contemplate, nods. "Sure."

"300!"

"That's outrageous, I refuse,"

"I'm gonna tell dad,” the boy said.

The man quickly agrees and pays the boy.

A few days later the woman and her lover are in the throes of passion when the husband again returns home early. The man once again heads to the closet where he hears the same voice, "Sure is dark in here."

The man turns and the same boy is staring at him. "What were you doing with mommy?"

"nothing."

"doesn't look like it, I'm gonna tell daddy you came here."

"Look I can't get caught is there anyway you can keep this quiet?"

"I got a baseball."

The man sighs, "How much?"

"400!"

"That's more than the glove no way."

"I'll tell dad.”

The man quickly agrees to pay the boy.

A few days later the mom and dad are in the kitchen when the boy walks in. "Hey son, do you wanna go play catch?"

"I can't I sold my glove and ball."

The dad is suprised, "For how much?"

"700."

"That's ridiculous," the mom shouts, "You tricked someone into paying way too much for a glove and ball, I'm taking you to confession."

On that Sunday after service the boy walks into the confession booth.

"Sure is dark in here."

"Oh no don't you start that shit again."

 

[Smuttyandfun]

A woman was cheating on her husband with 3 guys.​

During one night she noticed that her husband came home earlier. She told the guys to hide in the sacks. When her husband entered the room he asked "What are these sacks doing here?". The woman answered "Well, my relatives came by and left these as a present.".

The man walked towards the first sack and kicked it. "Be-e-e-e!" - came out of the sack. "Oh, we can make some nice steak out of this."

The man walked towards the second sack and kicked it. "Oink-oink!" - came out of the sack. "Oh, we can make some good porkchop out of this one."

The man walked towards the third sack and kicked it. No sound. He kicked it again. Still nothing. Then he kicked it really fucking hard.

"Dude, are you fucking stupid? I'm a sack of potatoes." - came out of the sack.

 

[Smuttyandfun]

A cheating husband decided to write a letter to his wife.​

"My Dear Wife,



You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, as a 54 year-old, can no longer satisfy. I'm very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. However, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn. Please don't be upset, I shall be back before midnight."



When the man came home late that night, he found a reply to his letter on the dining room table:



"My Dear Husband,



I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. I would like to inform you that, while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also an assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile and, like your secretary, he is 18. You, being a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of math, will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference -- 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18!



See you in a week's time!''

 

[Smuttyandfun]

I told my girlfriend I think she's cheating on me.​

She told me I sound just like her husband.