Smuttyandfun
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An old guy is sitting at a bar. A young woman walks in and sits down a couple seats over. The old man gets up, shuffles over to her, leans over and asks *So, do I come here often?*
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Smuttyandfun
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An old man goes back to bed ...And asks his wife " does the light in our bathroom turn on and off automatically ", she replies with "No why?", the old man sighs and says "well.... looks like I'm going to have to buy a new fridge tomorrow"
Smuttyandfun
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I asked an old man, "Even after 60 years of being married, how can you still call your wife 'Honey', 'Darling' and 'Sweetheart'?"He replied, "Well I forgot her name 10 years ago and I'm scared to ask her!"
Smuttyandfun
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A virgin walks into a whore house with only twenty dollars to his name. After some haggling, he finds a woman who will have sex with him. “The most I can give you is a sixty-nine,” she tells him. He says okay even though he really doesn’t know what a sixty-nine is.
He follows her to her room and they get in position and the first minute is great, then she farts. He stops, sniffs, and is repulsed by the action, but it soon dissipates and he begins licking her once again. Fifteen seconds later and she farts again. He stops and waits for this one to dissipate as well, and once it does he begins again. A few seconds later and a third fart, this one so putrid that it makes him retch. He pushes the woman off him and says, “Sorry, ma’am, but I don’t think I can stand sixty-six more of those."
He follows her to her room and they get in position and the first minute is great, then she farts. He stops, sniffs, and is repulsed by the action, but it soon dissipates and he begins licking her once again. Fifteen seconds later and she farts again. He stops and waits for this one to dissipate as well, and once it does he begins again. A few seconds later and a third fart, this one so putrid that it makes him retch. He pushes the woman off him and says, “Sorry, ma’am, but I don’t think I can stand sixty-six more of those."
Smuttyandfun
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THE NEW NEIGHBOR
Joe leased an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe: Joe smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. Poor Joe broke out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment, she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, Joe finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"
Astounded and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin no blemishes anywhere! How can you feel the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, Joe stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming. That was me."
Joe leased an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe: Joe smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. Poor Joe broke out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment, she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, Joe finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"
Astounded and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin no blemishes anywhere! How can you feel the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, Joe stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming. That was me."
Smuttyandfun
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ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION
A farmer is giving his wife last-minute instructions before heading to town to do chores.
"That fellow from Sematol will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of the cows.
I've hung a nail by the right stall so you'll know which one I want him to impregnate."
Satisfied that his wife could understand the instructions, the farmer left for town.
That afternoon, the 'Inseminator' arrives, and the wife dutifully takes him
out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail.
"This is the cow right here," she tells him.
"What's the nail for?" the guy asks.
She replies, "I guess it's to hang up your pants."
A farmer is giving his wife last-minute instructions before heading to town to do chores.
"That fellow from Sematol will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of the cows.
I've hung a nail by the right stall so you'll know which one I want him to impregnate."
Satisfied that his wife could understand the instructions, the farmer left for town.
That afternoon, the 'Inseminator' arrives, and the wife dutifully takes him
out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail.
"This is the cow right here," she tells him.
"What's the nail for?" the guy asks.
She replies, "I guess it's to hang up your pants."
Smuttyandfun
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RETIREMENT
My nookie days are over,
my pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appealIs
Now my water spout.
Time was when, of its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I've got a full time job
Just to find the blasted thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave.
For every single morning
It would stand and watch me shave.
As my old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues,
To see it hang its head in shame
And watch me tie my shoes.
My nookie days are over,
my pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appealIs
Now my water spout.
Time was when, of its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I've got a full time job
Just to find the blasted thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave.
For every single morning
It would stand and watch me shave.
As my old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues,
To see it hang its head in shame
And watch me tie my shoes.
Smuttyandfun
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THE DIRTY BIRD
A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it wouldn’t be as much work as say a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak.
She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much. The owner said it was $50.
Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn’t more expensive, she agreed to buy it. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of ill repute. Sometimes it says pretty off color stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She said she would buy it anyway. The pet shop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought that’s not so bad."
A couple hours later, the woman’s two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new prostitutes." The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but than began to laugh about the situation.
A couple of hours later, the woman’s husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said,
"New house, new madam, new prostitutes; same old faces. Hi George!"
A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it wouldn’t be as much work as say a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak.
She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much. The owner said it was $50.
Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn’t more expensive, she agreed to buy it. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of ill repute. Sometimes it says pretty off color stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She said she would buy it anyway. The pet shop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought that’s not so bad."
A couple hours later, the woman’s two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new prostitutes." The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but than began to laugh about the situation.
A couple of hours later, the woman’s husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said,
"New house, new madam, new prostitutes; same old faces. Hi George!"
Smuttyandfun
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A Pair of Parrots
A young lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.
I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your
problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put
them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible.
"My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and
your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house.
His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots.
Immediately, the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims,
"Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
A young lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.
I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your
problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put
them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible.
"My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and
your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house.
His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots.
Immediately, the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims,
"Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
Smuttyandfun
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Feeling Young
A fortyish woman was naked and jumping up and down on her bed, laughing and singing.
Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her for a while and says
"You look ridiculous! What on earth are you doing?"
"I just had my checkup and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year old."
She starts laughing and jumping again.
"Yeah, right and what did he say about your 41 year old ass?"
Your name never came up," she replied.
A fortyish woman was naked and jumping up and down on her bed, laughing and singing.
Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her for a while and says
"You look ridiculous! What on earth are you doing?"
"I just had my checkup and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year old."
She starts laughing and jumping again.
"Yeah, right and what did he say about your 41 year old ass?"
Your name never came up," she replied.
Smuttyandfun
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ALLIGATOR BOOTS
Sam and Bessie are senior citizens, and, Sam always wanted an expensive pair of alligator boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?"
"What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants. What's different?"
Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots.
Again, he says, "Bessie, do you notice anything different about me?"
"What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down tomorrow."
Angrily, Sam yells, "DO YOU KNOW WHY ITS HANGING DOWN?
Cause it's lookin' at my NEW BOOTS!"
Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat!"
Sam and Bessie are senior citizens, and, Sam always wanted an expensive pair of alligator boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?"
"What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants. What's different?"
Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots.
Again, he says, "Bessie, do you notice anything different about me?"
"What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down tomorrow."
Angrily, Sam yells, "DO YOU KNOW WHY ITS HANGING DOWN?
Cause it's lookin' at my NEW BOOTS!"
Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat!"
Smuttyandfun
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Anal Sex
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
The doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"
She said that she did.
He asked, "Does it hurt you?"
She said that it didn't.
The doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."
The woman was mystified. She asked "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
The doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think attorneys come from?"
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
The doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"
She said that she did.
He asked, "Does it hurt you?"
She said that it didn't.
The doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."
The woman was mystified. She asked "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
The doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think attorneys come from?"
AG31
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I don't get it...
StillStunned
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The implication is that he peed in the fridge.
Trionyx
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Or worse…
Smuttyandfun
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What does a robot do after a one-night stand? He nuts and bolts.
Smuttyandfun
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"My boss hates when I shorten his name to Dick. Especially because his name’s Steve."
Smuttyandfun
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"When two people have sex, its a twosome. When three people have sex, its a threesome. Now I know why people call you handsome."
Smuttyandfun
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"My in-laws are mimes. They do unspeakable things whenever they visit."
Smuttyandfun
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"We just found out Grandpa is now addicted to Viagra. Nobody is taking it harder than Grandma."
Smuttyandfun
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"I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: 'Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron!' She was watching our wedding video again."
Smuttyandfun
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"I asked my wife 'So, do you think the cup is half full or half empty?' And you know what she said? 'Please for the love of God, could you stop wearing my bras!'"
Smuttyandfun
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NO BULL.......
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."
The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and ask if it was 365 times with the same cow."
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."
The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and ask if it was 365 times with the same cow."
Smuttyandfun
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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announced to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack, 10-pack or a family pack. "I'm really going to put it to this girl," the boy tells the pharmacist.
The pharmacist, with a laugh, suggests the family pack saying the boy will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns and whispers back;
"I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack, 10-pack or a family pack. "I'm really going to put it to this girl," the boy tells the pharmacist.
The pharmacist, with a laugh, suggests the family pack saying the boy will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns and whispers back;
"I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
Smuttyandfun
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Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a man in a trench coat came up and flashed them. One old lady immediately had a stroke. The other couldn't quite reach.
