More Humour

[DG Hear]

Only one man could catch fish

No one in this town could catch any fish except this one man.
The game warden asked him how he did it so the man told the game warden that he would take him fishing the next day... Once they got to the middle of the lake the man took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the water. After the explosion fish started floating to the top of the water. The man took out a net and started picking up the fish. The game warden told him that this was illegal. The man took out another stick of dynamite and lit it. He then handed it to the game warden and said " are you going to fish or talk?"

 

[NaokoSmith]

Made me laugh especially hard!
Thanks guys

Ms. Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, So she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The Flight to Egypt," was his reply.
Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, "That must be Mary, Joseph, and baby Jesus. But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius--the pilot!"

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

 

[Handley_Page]

When you receive that phone call ...

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my back is killing me, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I’m with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If BT calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don’t have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all , tell them that you can’t just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can’t sell to employees.

 

[jehoram]

When you receive that phone call ...

11. When you pick up the phone, say, "Hello, caller! You're on the air..."

 

[Handley_Page]

A bloke is in a queue at the Super Market when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he asks, "sorry, do you know me?"

She replies "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful...

"Christ!" he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I sha**ed on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ar*e?!"

"No" she replies. "I'm your son's English Teacher"

 

[JKendallDane]

A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The husband wandered off as she was standing in line, saying something about being back in a little bit.

After getting through the line, the husband wasn't back yet and since they still had more shopping to do, the wife called him on the mobile. The wife said, "Where are you?"

He said, " You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I couldn't afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you."

Tears started to flow down her cheeks and she got all choked up. "Yes, I do remember that shop," she replied.

"I'm in the pub next to that."

The funeral is next Thursday.

 

[Handley_Page]

A bunch of children are starting secondary school for the first time and have just had their summer holidays. the first lesson is english and after introducing herself the elderly English teacher tells the children she wishes to hear about their summer activities.

Nominating Johnny she asks him to share to which he replies that he went on holiday to Scotland to see his nanny, stopping him mid flow the teacher berates him for his use of a childish word such as nanny, reminds him that he is now in upper school and must use grown up words like grandmother.

She then asks little Emily what she did, to which she replies that she went on holiday on a choo choo, agian she is cut off mid sentence and verbally abused for her use of childish words, reminded she is in upper school and should use adult word like train!!

The teacher then asks little billy what he did over the holidays to which he replies " i read a book miss "
"ahh" she replies looking smug and expectant, "and what was this book called then young billy?"

He thinks for a second and replies "winnie the sh1t"....

 

[JKendallDane]

GETTING OLD, ARE WE?

As 2015 draws to a close, let us reflect on we will be getting older, yet again, in 2016 and accept that ageing means one or more of these will be "us" sooner than we think...

~ * ~

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman asked: 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?'

She simply replied: 'No peer pressure.'

~ * ~

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. There are bouts with dementia but I don't remember any of them. There is poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. And I can't figure out if I'm 82 or 92 without a calculator.

But, thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!

~ * ~

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.

But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

~ * ~

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?'

She replied, 'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.'

~ * ~

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

~ * ~

Know how to prevent sagging?

Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

~ * ~

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

~ * ~

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'

~ * ~

THE SENILITY PRAYER:

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,

The good fortune to run into the ones I do,

And the eyesight to tell the difference.

~ * ~

I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair. She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'?

And that, my friend, is the definition of 'OLD'!

~ * ~

Happy New Year!

.

 

[Handley_Page]

The priest in a small Irish village had a rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.
One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.
He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church.
During mass, he asked the congregation, ‘Has anybody got a cock? '
All the men stood up.

'No, no, ' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock? '
All the women stood up.
'No, no, ' he said, ' that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them? '
Half the women stood up.
'No, no, ' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock? '
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
The priest fainted.

 

[DG Hear]

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

 

[DG Hear]

What do hurricanes and women have in common?

When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.



What is the difference between men and women?

A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.

A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.



A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the begining of a new argument.

 

[Handley_Page]

"I heard you husband died; in a food restaurant ?
How are you doing?"

The reply came back with surprising speed:

"Just peachy now, thanks.
Yes, he choked on a McNugget. Now I know why they call it a Happy Meal."

 

[DG Hear]

Rejected Hallmark Cards

"Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder:...
-- What was I thinking?"

"Congratulations on your wedding day!...
-- Too bad no one likes your wife."

"How could two people as beautiful as you....
-- have such an ugly baby?"

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love...
-- After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life...
-- I never believed in Hell until I met you."

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
-- that you're not here to ruin it for me."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me...
-- Like the need for therapy."

"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!...
-- I never knew what evil was before this!"

"Before you go,...
I would like you to take this knife out of my back.
-- You'll probably need it again."

"Someday I hope to get married...
-- but not to you."

"You look great for your age...
-- Almost Lifelike!"

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me...
-- Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend...
-- So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"We have been friends for a very long time...
-- What do you say we call it quits?"

"I'm so miserable without you...
-- It's almost like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...
-- Did you ever find out who the father was?"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
-- I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

 

[Handley_Page]

A man is injured in a car crash and due to the seriousness of his injuries he is taken to the nearest facility which happens to be the miltary hospital. The Air Force doctor takes him in and spends some time with him fighting to save his life.
Eventually the doctor comes to the waiting room where the man's family have gathered amongst the airmen and officers who are waiting patiently for their appointments. The doctor says to the father of the man, unfortunately your sons condition is so bad the only way we can save his life is for him to have a brain transplant.
The father says, "yes, yes, whatever it takes, I will pay anything".

The doctor replies, "well cost is an issue, but we can offer you a choice of brains, an officers brain which is £10,000 or a Junior NCO's brain which is only £2,000."

The officers in the waiting room all look at each other with smug grins when they hear that their brains are more expensive, whilst the airmen look a little dejected.

After a moments silence the father asks, "why is the JNCO's brain cheaper?" to which the doctor replies
"because its been used, of course!"

 

[RISsey]

"A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2014 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull-shittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . You started it . . . . “

 

[Handley_Page]

Next time you have a bad day at work, think of this guy :-


Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Mayo (IRELAND)
He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs and below is an email he sent to his sister She then sent it to RnaG (Irish radio station) in Galway, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. She won.

“Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother Last week I had a bad day at the office I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea I wear a suit to the office It's a wet suit This time of year the water is quite cool So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater This £20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea It heats it to a delightful temperature It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit wit warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi

Everything was going well until all of sudden, my butt started to itch So, of course, I scratched it This only made things worse Within a few seconds my butt started to burn I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done In agony I realised what had happened The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it
However, the crack of my ar@e was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my bum.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. I aborted the dive and I was instructed to make three agonising in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my ar@e as soon as I got in the chamber

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my anus was swollen shut.”

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your backside. Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job"

 

[DG Hear]

Who's Penis Is It?

Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball,
suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over
his head and passes the three women.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my
husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis.
"He's not my husband either." She says, also not recognizing the unit.

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.
"Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."

 

[DG Hear]

Banta and Preeto decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Mumbai. When they entered the hotel and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. Banta brushed her off."
Preeto objected, "That young woman was nice, and you were so rude."
"Preeto, she`s a prostitute."
"I don`t believe you. That sweet young thing?"
"Let`s go up to our room and I`ll prove it."
In their room, Banta called down to the desk and asked for that girl to come to room 326.
"Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?"
Soon, there was a knock on the door. Banta opened it and girl walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.
Banta asked, "How much do you charge?"
"Ten thousand basic rate, three thousand tips for special services."
Even Banta was taken aback. "Ten thousand !! I was thinking more in the range of two thousand." Girl laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."
"Well," said Banta, "I guess we can`t do business. Goodbye."
After she left, Preeto came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can`t believe it!"
Banta said, "Let`s forget it. We`ll go have a drink, then eat dinner."
At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, that girl came up behind Banta, pointed slyly at Preeto, and said, "See what you get for two thousand !"

 

[Handley_Page]

After 15 years of marriage, the Lady decided to have her portrait painted.
The artist was a good one and they discussed how she saw the picture and how he saw her.
She'd got a really good evening gown on and had had her hair done by an expert so she looked really good.
"However", she said, "I want you to paint me with loads of diamonds and so on, ear-rings, and an emerald pendant necklace, and wrists loaded with expensive gems".

"Why?", said the artist.

" 'Cos' when I die, my husband is going to marry his girl-friend and I want her to go mad trying to find my jewels."

 

[JackLuis]

After 15 years of marriage, the Lady decided to have her portrait painted. <snip>

" 'Cos' when I die, my husband is going to marry his girl-friend and I want her to go mad trying to find my jewels."

There is a bunny hopping if I ever saw one!

 

[Handley_Page]

There is a bunny hopping if I ever saw one!

Right then; off you go . .
========================

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,

“While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.”

 

[DG Hear]

An oldie but will still make you smile.

Breast enlargement

A woman asks her husband if she could get her breasts enlarged. Her cheap husband told her no and that if she wants them enlarged for free all she has to do is rub toilet paper on them. She asked what in the world will that do? He said he hopes it does as good of a job on her breasts as it did on her butt.

 

[Handley_Page]

Two cowboys are out on the range one starry night talking about their favourite sex positions. One says, “Ever have rodeo sex?”

“Ain’t heard of that one,” says the other cowboy. “What is it?”

“Well, you get the girl down on all fours, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup her breasts, whisper in her ear, ‘Boy, these feel just like your sister’s!’ and see how long you can hang on.”

 

[shropshire125]

A guy walks into a brothel nd looks at the list of services and prices. They read:
"Sex $100"
"Blow job $50"
"Hand job $25"
"Egg sandwich $2.50"

Bemused he asks the young girl behind the counter. "Is that serious. You guys make egg sandwiches? Or is it some sort of sex act?"

The girl answers, "No sir. We found that quite a few of our customers would be hungry after sex and so we started offering food."

"I see," the guy answers. He shrugs and redirects his attention to the board. "And do you personally perform these services? Do you give handjobs?" he asks with a cheeky grin.

"Certainly Sir," she simpers. "Is that what you would like?"

"Nah," he answers. "Wash your fucking hands and make me an egg sandwich."

 

[Handley_Page]

1.) My husband and I divorced over religious differences..... He thought he was God and I didn't.

2.) I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.) I work hard because millions on welfare depend on Me!

4.) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5.) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6.) Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

7.) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8.) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9.) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10.) I'm not a complete idiot --Some parts are missing.

11.) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12.) NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room- spinning medicine.

13.) God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14.) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15.) Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16.) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17.) Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

18.) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

19.) Procrastinate Now!

20.) I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

21.) A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22.) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

23.) Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24.) They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

25.) He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26.) A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

27.) Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a life time commitment for a pig.

28.) The trouble with life is there's no background music.

29.) The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

30.) I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.