More Humour

[NaokoSmith]

OMG, Carlus - that was DISGUSTING!

 

[Handley_Page]

OMG, Carlus - that was DISGUSTING!

I thought it rather clever; a play on words.
An example of military humour, I suspect.


--------------------

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and says, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers... "I don't weally fink my pyfon giffs a phuk."

 

[CarlusMagnus]

OMG, Carlus - that was DISGUSTING!

We aim to please!

 

[NaokoSmith]

We aim to please!

I'm sorry but in this context, use of the word 'aim' just made it worse!

 

[legerdemer]

Airline Pilot settles into his seat and gives the usual talk to the passengers, he mistakenly leaves the Intercom on and tells the Co-Pilot
"I'm gonna have my Coffee and then get a B**w Job from that Blonde Stewardess"

Said Stewardess hears this and rushes toward the Cockpit to tell the Captain his error,
was stopped midway by an elderly lady who tells her ..
"Slow down love he hasn’t finished his coffee yet"

I nearly spewed my coffee with this one.

 

[Nathan_Brazil]

My apologies in advance...

Yes... Its an old joke, but it is my favourite.

Q: How do you keep a lawyer from drowning?

A: You take your foot off his head.

I'll let myself out...

 

[Handley_Page]

A man was driving down the road when a rabbit ran out in front of him.
He heard a loud bang, stopped the car, got out and inspected the damage. He found a large dent in his bumper and the creature dead by the side of the road.
A few moments later a woman pulled up in a car. she got out and had a look at what was going on. she proceeded to rummage through her bag. she pulled out a can and sprayed the creature with it. after a few moments it got up and hopped away. the man watched on.
It hopped a few metres then turned round and waved. then hopped a few metres and turned round and waved.
The man asked the woman what she had sprayed it with. she handed him the can.
The can read....
Hair spray... restores dead hair to life, and installs permanent wave!!!!!

 

[rjordan]

Yes... Its an old joke, but it is my favourite.
Q: How do you keep a lawyer from drowning?
A: You take your foot off his head.
I'll let myself out...

A lot of people like to joke about lawyers, but at least the pharmaceutical companies are taking them seriously according to an article I read today. Many have started using lawyers instead of rats for experiments. They cited a number of reasons why they favor lawyers over rats.

First, lab workers don't get attached to lawyers.
Also, there's a lot more of them.
And, more importantly, there are some things that a rat just won't do.

rj

 

[Handley_Page]

It had been a hard winter. It snowed even through the spring. One of the coldest winters recorded. Finally this Sunday morning the sun was shining, the birds were singing. A warm breeze was blowing. It was a perfect day. The minister decided to take the day off and play a round of golf.

He called his associate pastor and said. "I woke up with a nasty head cold. I'm gonna stay in bed today, you lead the service. After faking a coughing fit he hung up the phone and threw his clubs in his car and drove to the course.

He teed off on the hardest hole of the course. A par 4 with a nasty dogleg. The approach was narrow, and there was a huge water trap on the right. and a slightly smaller sand-trap on the left.

Just as the ball left the tee a strong breeze took the ball and blew it over the traps and it landed on the green. It rolled over 20 feet right into the hole for the ministers first ever hole in one.

The Angel Gabriel went to God and said "Why'd you do that? He skipped out on church and broke a commandment to play golf."

God looked at Gabriel and replied "Who can he tell?"

 

[desertslave]

This might not make sense to non-US folks, but it made me giggle.

This is how a car is designed based on Common Core Math.

 

[rjordan]

This might not make sense to non-US folks, but it made me giggle.

This is how a car is designed based on Common Core Math.

The jpg doesn't make any sense to US folks either. Common Core Math is a new way of looking at the old problem of how to really understand mathematics. It works when parents and some teachers try to understand why it's necessary instead of making it a political joke.

rj

 

[Handley_Page]

Dedicated to fathers of daughters

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage and current medical report from your doctor. Please be prepared to submit additional information (like psychological profile and polygraph test) as required.
-------------------------------------------------------



Name:___________________________ Date of Birth:______________________

Height:____________ Weight:____________

I.Q.___________ GPA:_________

Social Security/ NA. Number:___________________

Driver's License #:____________

Boy Scout Rank:___________________________________________________

Home Address:____________________________

City:____________________

____________________________

Zip /Post Code:_______________________

How far can you run: 40 yards?______________ 2 miles?___________________

Do you own a (A)Van?____ (B)Truck with oversized tires?_____ (C)Water bed?_____

Do you have an ear ring, nose ring or belly button ring?__________ Tatoo?_________

NOTE: If you answered YES to any part of questions #8, discontinue the application process and leave the premises!

In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?__________________________
_________________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?__
_________________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?__________________
_________________________________________________________________

Church you Attend:___________________ How often ?____________

When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and minister?_________

Answer by filling in the blanks. Please answer freely. All answers are confidential.
(That means I won't tell anyone, ever)

If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is the__________.

If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is___________________________.

A Women's place is in the _________________________.

The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is__________________.

In the unfortunate event of my untimely death, I would like______________to be contacted.

My greatest fear is__________________________________________.

When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is her___________________.


NOTE:
If the answer to the last question begins with a "B", discontinue the application process and leave the premises.

Keep your head low; running in a serpentine fashion is advised.

What do you want to be "IF" you grow up?____________________________

Have you ever been fingerprinted?______

Had a DNA sample taken and recorded?_________

Your dentist is__________________

Emergency phone #_________________________


I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT, UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE AND/OR HOT POKERS.


Signature________________________

Thank you for your interest. Please allow 5-7 years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved.
Please do not try to call or write.
(It could cause disqualification and injury to your body.)

 

[phantom4533]

Little DJ has his first day at school. His Mom was real worried, and when she picked him up from school at the end of the day, she anxiously asked him how his day went.

'Well, I came top of the class in Math, I made a touchdown in football, and I had sex with the teacher.' 'What! How dare you! Get into your room and wait till your father gets home!'

Little DJ goes to his room, and when his father comes home, DJ's mom tells his father, 'I'm absolutely disgusted with DJ. He said he came top of the class in Math, made a touchdown in football, and had sex with the teacher!' 'That's my boy' thinks his Dad.

So he goes upstairs to talk to DJ. 'Don't worry about your Mom. She's a bit upset, but it sounds to me like you had an awesome day at school. In fact, I'm so pleased, you know that bicycle I said I was going to buy you for Christmas, I think I'll get it for you this weekend.'

'Oh no, Dad, don't. I don't think I'll be able to sit down for a while.'

 

[Handley_Page]

Dear Sir,

Upon checking my e-mail this morning, I was interested to find your correspondence entitled 'High Class Boner Pills'.

The opportunity to purchase “high class boner pills” is indeed rare. Your competitors offer me run-of-the-mill boner pills daily, it seems, and try to confuse me with technical jargon such as “erectile dysfunction” and with blatant product plugs such as “Viagra.”

I have even been approached by seemingly sincere, solicitous gentlemen offering me creams. Apparently a simple application by hand is supposed to make one's member erect, but I have found my expectations of 'hours of lasting satisfaction', somewhat deflated after just a few minutes.

I truly appreciate your use of plain language. As a 66 year old “regular Joe”, I don’t have the time left to decipher fancy medical terminology. Reading your ad I felt comfortable that I knew exactly what I was being offered; boner pills.

Moreover, I am confident that you thoroughly inspect each boner pill to insure it meets your quality standards, and can be categorized as a “high class boner pill.”

I have begun to question whether my current boner pills are classy enough to meet my needs. Please provide more information and references. I may be ready for a boner pill upgrade.

Regards,

 

[Weird Harold]

http://www.gocomics.com/sketchy-chics

 

[Handley_Page]

Dedicated to those who Teach or mix with them:


You might be in 'Education' if..

1) You believe the staff crew room should have a Valium salt lick.

2) You find humour is other people's stupidity.

3) You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to have all your holidays and summers free."

4) You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside.

5) You believe "shallow gene pool" should have it's own box on the report form.

6) You believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, the kids are sure mellow today."

7) When out in public, you feel the urge to talk to strange students and correct their behaviour.

8) Marking all A's on the report card would make your life SO much simpler.

9) When you mention "vegetables" and you're not talking about a food group.

10) You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.

11) You wonder how some parents even managed to reproduce.

12) You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.

13) You really encourage an obnoxious parent to check into home schooling.

14) You've never had your profession criticised by someone who would never dream of doing your job.

15) You can't have children of your own, because there is no name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it.

16) Meeting a child's parents instantly answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?"

 

[Handley_Page]

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like "Brian!

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his fcukin' widow."

 

[DG Hear]

Sent to me by a good friend.

A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him,
"How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up. Like the pastor said, four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer."


After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother,
"Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit and listen."


A six-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service,
"And forgive us our trash passes as we forgive those who passed trash against us."


A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"


A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
"Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"


Ms. Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, So she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The Flight to Egypt," was his reply.
Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, "That must be Mary, Joseph, and baby Jesus. But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius--the pilot!"


The Sunday school teacher asked,
"Now, Johnny, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?"
"No, ma'am," little Johnny replied. "I don't have to. My mom is a good cook."


A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up,
"Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered. "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she said. "Grandpa, did God make me, too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said. "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed,
"God's getting better at it, isn't he?"
***************

 

[curl4ever]

Very sweet!

Thanks, DG!

- curl

 

[Handley_Page]

Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg. Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it !"

On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings.... If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo, a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."


From a Kulula employee: "Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."


"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."


"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."


"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."


"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."


And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"


Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town:The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,

"That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault.... it was the asphalt."


Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"


Another flight attendant's comment on after a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."


An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline". He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it ?"

The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"


After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:

"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today...... And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."

Heard on a Kulula flight:

"Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.... If you can light' em, you can smoke' em."

 

[rjordan]

I know Johannesburg is in the South, but South Africa, not the American South. Not likely that a South African pilot would say, "Whoa, big fella, whoa" or flight attendants would refer to passengers as "y'all".

That was originally passed around as announcements on Southwest Airlines out of Texas which had open seating and flight attendants who definitely said, y'all.

Either way, they are pretty funny.

rj

 

[Handley_Page]

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport, " he asked? "Fifteen bucks, " came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

 

[curl4ever]

VERY funny!

Thanks, HP!

- curl

 

[Handley_Page]

You have to be old enough to appreciate this. If you don't understand, it is because you are too young.


Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little b@stard.

Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
'What have you got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon,
'Pies, you fcukwitt' !!

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.

Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

 

[DG Hear]

During preseason training, a college football lineman married one of the team's cheerleaders. The coach was a bit surprised and remarked to his star football player, "You are such a big, burley guy. Why in the world did you marry such a tiny, petite woman? She is no bigger than your hand."

"That's right, Coach," replied the lineman. "But, she's much better!"