More Humour

[Handley_Page]

Young Lad has a Homework exercise on the difference between Potential and Reality .. bit confused he approaches his Dad ..
Dad say its no bother and he can demonstrate the difference to his son .. Dad goes to see his wife and asks "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a Million Pounds ??" ..

Mother replies "Yes I would .. I definitely would" ..

Dad then asks his teenage daughter "Would you sleep with Robbie Williams for a Million Pounds ??" ..
Daughter replies "Course I would .. In a Heartbeat" ..

Dad turns to his son and just says "There you go Boy ...." ..
Son Looks confused and says " I dont understand Dad" ..
Dad replies "Well potentially we are sitting on two million quid but in reality we are living with a pair of slags"

 

[NaokoSmith]

Anyone got the pattern for this one?

 

[Kraveree]

Anyone got the pattern for this one?

Sadly my grandmother passed away without giving us the secret to her elaborate knitting patterns she showered us with at Christmas, this one must have been stolen from her secret stash, I always suspected she had more in her than she let on.

 

[NaokoSmith]

Sadly my grandmother passed away without giving us the secret to her elaborate knitting patterns she showered us with at Christmas, this one must have been stolen from her secret stash, I always suspected she had more in her than she let on.

She sure did if she wore one of those under her fair isle cardigans

 

[Handley_Page]

Billy comes home from school early one day to find his mum riding up and down on his dad on the bed.

"Mum what you doing to dad?" asks Billy.

Mum replies,"I'm trying to flatten his belly".

"There's no point mum, cos Mrs Davis, from next door, just comes round and gets on her knees and blows him back up again" pipes up Billy.

 

[barefootgirl69]

Billy comes home from school early one day to find his mum riding up and down on his dad on the bed.

"Mum what you doing to dad?" asks Billy.

Mum replies,"I'm trying to flatten his belly".

"There's no point mum, cos Mrs Davis, from next door, just comes round and gets on her knees and blows him back up again" pipes up Billy.

Blahaha!

 

[Learin]

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the Church's morals, kept sticking her nose in to other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old van parked in front of the small town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, nor deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his van in front of Mildred's house
... walked home....and left it there all night.

Nice one, George...

*snigger*

 

[JackLuis]

 

[TxRad]

Jack, that last one gets an A+.

 

[R. Richard]

It aint just Oregon State Troopers.

 

[Handley_Page]

A lady Canadian libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.

She received the following reply:

National Defence Headquarters
MGen George R. Pearkes Bldg, 15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa, ON K1A 0K2
Canada

Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces - who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National correctional System facilities.

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa.

You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself; we are creating a new Department here at the Department of National Defence, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' program, or L.A.R.K. for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care.

Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday.

Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint.

It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommend in your letter.

Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws.

Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences.

We understand that you plan to offer counselling and home schooling.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers.

We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group.

He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property.

This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire.

I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.

Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man.

You take good care of Ahmed - and remember we'll be watching.

Good luck and God bless you.

Cordially,
Minister of National Defense

 

[Handley_Page]

Once upon a time, a programmer was tasked with designing the display for the Navy's newest aircraft carrier radar system. He'd been taught in metric in school, and had recently worked on an Army contract (the U.S. Army is metric).

So naturally he had the display show a plane's altitude in meters.

On the day the system was demonstrated, one of the admirals saw this and went ballistic:
"What the !@#$ is this? Son, I don't know where you're from or wha??t the h*ll you're thinking, but this is the U.S. Navy. We don't use pansy meters. We use good old English units. Fix it or your company loses the contract."

Sheepishly, the programmer returned to his company and set about fixing the display.

The next time the system was tested, the radar operators looked to see...
the aircraft altitude displayed in negative fathoms.

 

[submit4pleasure]

The teacher was explaining the birds and the bees. "Every male has a penis."
Billy says, "My dad has two penises."
"That's not possible," the teacher explains.
"But he does have two penises! A small one he pees out of, and a big one he uses to brush Mommy's teeth."

 

[JackLuis]

Jack, that last one gets an A+.

I saw that on FB and laughed out loud, Very rare for me. I'm still laughing.

 

[Handley_Page]

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said 'Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.
Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind.' The pastor shouted out 'CROSS.'

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, 'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.'
The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.' The congregation began to sing 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.'
The pastor said 'POWER.' The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.'

The Pastor said 'SEX' The congregation fell into total silence.
Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing 'PRECIOUS MEMORIES.'

Laugh... it burns calories.

 

[JackLuis]

I smiled at all the bunnies this put in my head!

 

[TxRad]

To keep the Christmas spirit rolling:

 

[Handley_Page]

A woman goes to the vet with a parrot in a shoe box. The parrot has obviously snuffed it long since, but she insists that the vet does what he can. The vet takes his stethoscope to the rigid bird, but tells her ‘Sorry madam, but he’s gone’.
‘I don’t believe you’ cries the woman, ‘I demand a second opinion’.
The vet tells her he will get the best help he can and leaves the room. He returns a couple of minutes later with a Labrador, who jumps onto the bench, sniffs the parrot and lets out a low groan and shakes his head at the vet.
The vet says ‘There you are, I told you it was no good’.
The woman replies ‘A second rate vet and a dog?? I demand another opinion’, so the vet disappears again.

Five minutes later the vet returns, this time with a tabby cat who jumps onto the bench and sniffs the parrot. The moggy instantly arches it’s back and hisses at the deceased bird, before backing away, shaking it’s head. The vet says, ‘That’s pretty conclusive madam, there is nothing we can do here’ and puts the parrot back into the shoe box. As the woman is going through reception to leave, the vet stops here and hands her the bill. ‘£400 to tell me that my parrot is dead??? That’s extortion!’

The vet replies ‘It would have been just £5, but you insisted on the lab report, and the cat scan . . .

 

[beachbum1958]

I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM TESCO'S
Yesterday I was at my local Tesco's store buying a large bag of My Dog dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Tesco's.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say...

 

[NaokoSmith]

(I especially enjoyed the lab report and cat scan )

 

[Handley_Page]

TRUE STORY (sort of)

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT!!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying,
"Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.
We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all! She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.

We went to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, lets go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurt out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT??!!!" I then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I won't be having sex again until sometime after pigs fly.

 

[CarlusMagnus]

Appendectomy

Did you hear about the whore who had an appendectomy?

Her incision never healed properly.

But not to worry.

Now she's making a little money on the side!

 

[Handley_Page]

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year... that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
"Hellooooo? It's been a year, I told him!!"
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.
He never called back.
I bet he felt like an idiot.

 

[Kraveree]

When a multi coloured Mohawked punk rock guy got on the bus and sat in front of an old-timer, the pensioner began staring at the young man. While the bus continued on the route, the old man kept on staring with a wild expression. After a while the pierced punk started to get annoyed and angry.
"What the fuck are you staring at, you freaking husk," the punk spit at the still staring man.
Unblinking the old man replied, "I once fucked a chicken and I was wondering if you could have been what came of it."

 

[Handley_Page]

Airline Pilot settles into his seat and gives the usual talk to the passengers, he mistakenly leaves the Intercom on and tells the Co-Pilot
"I'm gonna have my Coffee and then get a B**w Job from that Blonde Stewardess"

Said Stewardess hears this and rushes toward the Cockpit to tell the Captain his error,
was stopped midway by an elderly lady who tells her ..
"Slow down love he hasn’t finished his coffee yet"