More Humour

[MillieDynamite]

The tombstone says, "A lawyer and An Honest Man." The woman visiting her husband's grave says to the dearly departed, "They are going to sublets here; they're putting two in a gave now."

 

[StillStunned]

A rich man is dying, and he calls his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside.

"They say you can't take it with you, but I'd like to try. I'm going to give you each fifty thousand bucks, which I want you to put in my coffin before my body is cremated. Will you do that for me?"

They all agree of course, so the arrangements are made.

The rich man dies, and at his funeral everyone walks past the coffin and pays their respects before it goes for cremation. Later, in the waiting room, the priest, the doctor and the lawyer are talking.

"I feel bad," says the priest. "The church needs a new roof. I kept back twenty thousand bucks, and only put thirty thousand in the envelope that I slipped into the coffin."

"I feel worse," says the doctor. "My practice has been struggling. I only put ten thousand bucks in the envelope that I slipped into the coffin."

"I'm ashamed of you both!" the lawyer exclaims. "I put a check for the full fifty thousand bucks in the envelope!"

 

[Plathfan]

 

[Smuttyandfun]

President Clinton was in the Oval Office smiling as he gazed out at the first snowfall of the season. Until he noticed that someone had written in pee: The President is an Asshole!
Furious, he called the Secret Service and told them that by the end of the day he wanted to know who was responsible.
The sun was going down when a service agent stepped into his office, hat in hand.
"Well, what did you find out?" the President asked.
"Sir, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is, we've managed to identify the urine, and it belongs to the Vice President."
After he'd absorbed that, the President nodded and said, "Okay, then what's the bad news?"
"It was the first Lady's handwriting."

 

[Smuttyandfun]

A travelling salesman walks into a brothel and hands the madame $500.00 and tells her, "I want the worst sex I can get."
She looks at him astonished. "But for five hundred dollars you can really enjoy yourself in here."
"Thanks," he says. "But I'm feeling more homesick than horny."

 

[Candy_Kane54]

A man died and went to Heaven. St Peter says to him, “Before you meet with God, I should tell you, we’ve looked over your life, and honestly, you didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us decide?”

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once while out driving, I came upon a little old lady being harassed by a group of thugs. I pulled over and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring piercing his lip. I tore the ring out of his lip and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this lady, or they would have to deal with me!”

“Wow, that’s impressive. When did this happen?” asked St Peter.

“About three minutes ago,” came the reply.

---

 

[Samuelx]

Humor is the universal solvent.

 

[Privates1stClass]

Question: What is a frilly-dilly?



Answer: A penis circumcised with a pair of pinking shears.



Question: What has 16 legs, 14 testicles, 2 ovaries, and runs through the woods?



Answer: Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

 

[MediocreAuthor]

A groom and bride are in the honeymoon suite.
With an aggressive flourish, the man whips his boxers off, and turns to face his wife.

"Do you know what this is, darling?" He gestures to his throbbing erection.

In a slightly timid voice, the girl responds, "That's a ding-a-ling."

The man laughs knowingly. "No, my love. Now that you are a married woman, you should know... this is a 'cock'!"

The bride shakes her head, embarrassed. "Oh no, dear. I've seen plenty of cocks before, and that is definitely a ding-a-ling!"

 

[TarnishedPenny]

Saint Peter and the Almighty were sitting by the Pearly Gates one Sunday morning. Looking down, they saw a Baptist minister playing golf. Saint Peter frowned, but the Creator pointed his finger at the man. With that, the minister hit a screaming drive down the centre of the fairway, scoring a hole-in-one.

Amazed, Saint Peter turned his head and said, "Lord, I don't understand. He's playing golf on Sunday and you just help him get a hole-in-one!"

The Almighty smiled at him and replied, "So? Who's he going to tell?"

 

[Plathfan]

 

[SimonDoom]

One of the funniest SNL skits in a while. Should be amusing to English speakers on both sides of the Atlantic (or down under):

 

[MillieDynamite]

A woman is taking a survey of people in an airport about their sexual life. Most refuse to talk to her, but many are quite open. She stops a pilot and asks the first question, "How long since you've had sex?" He answers, "1958." She says, "That's a dreadfully long time, isn't it?" He says, "Let me see, it's 2009 now, so 11 minutes."

 

[MillieDynamite]

A man passes a coworker in the bullpen of the sales department. He pauses and whispers, "Dave, did you hear who's wife is cheating on him?"

"No, Jack, but I'm Robert. Dave is one row over."

"Never mind, my mistake." he quickly moves away and goes to the next row and again whispers the question, to which Dave replies, "Shush, he's only one row over."

 

[AG31]

A woman is taking a survey of people in an airport about their sexual life. Most refuse to talk to her, but many are quite open. She stops a pilot and asks the first question, "How long since you've had sex?" He answers, "1958." She says, "That's a dreadfully long time, isn't it?" He says, "Let me see, it's 2009 now, so 11 minutes."

I've tried and tried and I still don't get it. Can someone help???

 

[NotWise]

I've tried and tried and I still don't get it. Can someone help???

He's using military time. 1958 (19:58) is 7:58PM. 2009 (20:09) is 8:09PM. They're 11 minutes apart.

 

[MillieDynamite]

You've got to be kidding me, @AG31, right? What makes it funny is that they are looking it at from opposing points of view; she's thinking years, and he is using the military's 24-hour clock.

I've tried and tried and I still don't get it. Can someone help???

 

[MediocreAuthor]

He's using military time. 1958 (19:58) is 7:58PM. 2009 (20:09) is 8:09PM. They're 11 minutes apart.

Don't feel bad. It took me a minute to get it too. Lol

 

[AG31]

A missionary was walking through the jungle when he noticed that a lion was following him. He fell to his knees and prayed, "Lord, please convert this lion." He turned around and saw that the lion was also on its knees, praying, "Come Lord Jesus, be Thou our guest, and let these gifts to us be blessed."

 

[Smuttyandfun]

A doctor walks into the room and tells his patient, "I have some bad news for you. You really have to stop masturbating." The man looks aghast and says, "Oh my God, doc, why?!" The doctor replies, "I'm trying to examine you."​

 

[Smuttyandfun]

Something a little festive...

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

 

[Smuttyandfun]

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

 

[Smuttyandfun]

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"

 

[Smuttyandfun]

A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor. The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went. The man answered, "Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."

 

[UKSilverFox]

A woman is walking through a snow covered park and see what looks like a fairytale character sitting on a bench. He is a small man in a green tunic, red leggings, green boots and a bright red hat. However his face is buried in his groin and he is making a series of muffled noises. Curiosity getting the better of her, she walks over and asks. "Are you a gobblin", he replies " no I'm Santa's little helper and I've got a hangover, so push off".