More Humour

[Comshaw]

Two cowboys from Arkansas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices.

Suddenly a woman at a table behind them who had been eating a sandwich begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. The cowboys turn to look at her.

"Kin yah swaller?" Asked one of the cowboys.

The woman shakes her head "NO"

"Kin yah breathe?" asked the other cowboy.

The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head "NO" again.

The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. This shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again.

The cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a drink of his beer.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it".


Comshaw

 

[jehoram]

Why is the bride smiling so much as she walks down the aisle toward the alter?

Because she knows that she'll never have to give another blowjob ever.

 

[Trionyx]

Why is the bride smiling so much as she walks down the aisle toward the alter?

Because she knows that she'll never have to give another blowjob ever.

Reminds me of the one food that will reduce a woman’s sex drive: her wedding cake.

 

[imusis]

An elderly gentleman goes to his doctor for a physical, checked his bloodwork, heart and lungs, everything looks great! The doctor said he had one more test to perform. He needed the man to go home to collect a sperm sample in this jar to see how his reproductive health is.

The old man says no problem with a smile.

The next morning, the man returns and the doctor greets him. He hands the doctor the empty jar. The doc asked what happened?

The old man begins "You see, I came home, and first tried with my right hand. And then with my left. I tried with both hands and still nothing... I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, and then both, still nothing. Then she tried with her mouth, first teeth in then teeth out... Still nothing.

We decided to call over our neighbor, lovely young woman, helps us out time to time. She said she would come over to help. She tries with her right hand, then her left. With both... She tried with her mouth, first teeth in then teeth out, she even stuck it between her knees...."

The doctor cut him off... "YOU ASKED YOUR NEIGHBOR?!"

Old man simply responds, "Why yes, None of us could get the Jar open!!!"

 

[Trionyx]

TEXTING FOR SENIORS…



FWB. Friend with boner!

FWV. Friend with Viagra.

OMG. Old man’s gone.

WTF. When’s the funeral?

BFF. Best friend fell.

ROFCGU. Rolling on the floor & can’t get up.

BTW. Bring the wheelchair.

LOL. Little old lady.

TTYL. Talk to you louder.

IMHO. Is my hearing-aid on?

FWIW. Forgot where I was.

ROFLMDO. Rolling on the floor laughing my dentures out.

TGIF. Thank god it’s (only) farts.

IMO. I’m mighty old.


Some of these aren’t as funny as they used to be when I was younger.

 

[imusis]

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”


Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “Okay Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”


“No drama. boss, he and I are old friends, and I can prove it.”


So Dave and his boss flew to Hollywood and knocked on Tom’s door.


He shouted, “Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!”


Although impressed, Dave’s boss was still skeptical. After they left Cruise’s house, he told Dave he thought his knowing Cruice was just lucky.


“No, no, just name anyone,” Dave replied.


“ The President,” his boss retorted.
“Yup,” Dave said. “Old buddies. Let’s fly to Washington.”
And off they went.


At the White House, Joe Biden spotted Dave on the tour and motioned him and his boss over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a beer and catch up beforehand.”


The boss was kind of shaken by now but still not totally convinced.


After they left the White House he expressed his doubts to Dave, who again asked him to name anyone else.


“The Pope!” his boss replied.


“Sure!” said Dave. “I’ve known the Pope for years.” So off they flew to Rome.


Dave and his boss were standing with the masses in St. Peter’s Square when Dave said, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.”


He disappeared into the crowd, headed toward the Vatican.


Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerged with the Pope on the balcony.


By the time Dave returned to his boss in the Square, he discovered him surrounded by paramedics and asked, “What happened?”


One of the paramedics told him his boss had had a sudden heart attack.


Making his way to his boss’s side, Dave said, “What happened?”


His boss looked up and groaned,
“It was the final straw…you and
the Pope came out onto the balcony and the man next to me said, ‘Who’s that on the balcony with Dave?'”

 

[AG31]

There must be other threads like this, because I know I've posted this joke. But it's my favorite, so I'll spread it around.

The mistress says, "Slower, slower."

The prostitute says, "Faster, faster."

The wife says, "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige.

 

[AG31]

And this is my second favorite.

A guy just let out of jail is walking down the sidewalk crying, "I'm free!! I'm free!!!"

Little kid passes him and says, "Big deal! I'm four!!!"

 

[Comshaw]

I was 'flying' down the road yesterday (i.e. 20 mph over the limit,) I passed under a bridge only to find a policeman with a radar gun on the other side laying in wait.

He pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

Oh yeah," said the policeman, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The policeman stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 foot wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot ass hole?"

To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."


Traffic Ticket: $195.00
Court Costs: $45.00
The look on his face: Priceless



Comshaw

 

[Zootonius]

There must be other threads like this, because I know I've posted this joke. But it's my favorite, so I'll spread it around.

The mistress says, "Slower, slower."

The prostitute says, "Faster, faster."

The wife says, "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige.

That reminds me of a quip about Pamela Harriman, who was described as being an expert on the ceilings of many wealth men's bedrooms.

 

[TarnishedPenny]

That reminds me of a quip about Pamela Harriman, who was described as being an expert on the ceilings of many wealth men's bedrooms.

Or, related to that, from years gone by, a disparaging reference to a young woman who had ‘an amazing collection of motel matchbooks’.

 

[imusis]

A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, to the old man.

“Well, I don’t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except a...” said the old man, and then he stopped.

“Except what?” asked the businessman.

“Nothing, nothing,” said the old man.

“C’mon, tell me! I need something!” protested the businessman.“Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is the ‘voodoo dildo,’” the old man said.

“The voodoo dildo?” the businessman asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, “Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!”

The old man said, “But you haven’t seen what it’ll do yet.”

He pointed to a door and said “Voodoo dildo, the door.”

The voodoo dildo rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, “Voodoo dildo, box!”

The voodoo dildo stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, motionless.

The businessman said, “I’ll take it!”

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, “Voodoo dildo, my pussy.”

He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.

After he’d been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dildo. She lay down, placed the box between her legs, and said “Voodoo dildo, my pussy!” The voodoo dildo shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she’d ever experienced before.

After three orgasms, she decided she’d had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off! So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn’t been drinking, but that a voodoo dildo was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn’t stop screwing her.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, “Yeah, right. Voodoo dildo, my ass!"

 

[curl4ever]

A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.
…

Absolutely hilarious!!!! Thanks!!!!

 

[Candy_Kane54]

Q: Why did the bald man have an extensive collection of combs?

A: He couldn't part with them.

 

[Privates1stClass]

Here's an old one: Who has bigger balls, policemen or firemen, and why?


Answer: Firemen. Reason? They sell more tickets.

 

[jehoram]

Then there was the one about the three Japanese businessmen who were practicing their English on each other in preparation for a trip to the US.

"I just found out that my wife cannot have children," the first man said. "She is... I am not sure of this word... impregnable?"

"No, my friend," said the second man. "I think that is not the word. She is... unbearable."

"I am afraid you are both wrong," the third man said. "Your wife is... inconceivable."

 

[imusis]

Pierre the French fighter pilot was with his amour.


"Oh, Pierre, I want you to kiss me,”she exclaimed.


He tilted up her chin and leaned in, but just before he planted a kiss on her lips he poured a little red wine on them and then went in for the kiss.


"Oh, Pierre, mon dieu, that was so arousing and erotic, but tell me, why before you kissed me, did you pour red wine on my lip?" she asked


"I am Pierre, zee French fighter pilot, and when
I taste the red meat I have
the red wine."


"Oh Pierre, that is so romantic, kiss me again, but lower this time!"


So he carefully unbuttoned her blouse and lowered his head.


But before he began he poured a little bit of white wine on her breast and then – ravagement.


"Oh, Pierre, Pierre", she squealed, "again, so erotic,
so arousing, so magnifique! But tell me, why this time, at my breast, the white wine?"


"I am Pierre, zee French fighter pilot, and when I have zee white meat, I pair it with wiz zee white wine."


"Oh Pierre, Pierre, so romantic, so sensual, kiss me lower, kiss me lower!"


He got down on his knees and lifted her bustle, pushed aside her bloomers and lowered his head.


Just before he began, however, he poured a little bit of cognac onto her pubic hair and set it alight.


"PIERRE, PIERRE, WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS?" she cried, batting out the flames.


"I am Pierre, zee French fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!”

 

[Plathfan]

 

[AG31]

If you're bored or sad and have read every post in this thread, chick out Just Sayin' over in BDSM Cafe. It's not remotely focussed on BDSM. Just a bunch of funny stuff.

 

[SimonDoom]

 

[Tio_Narratore]

Have we done any Spoonerisms here? The Revered Spooner was inclined to transpose the beginning of words in a statement with often humourous results. He once proposed a toast to "the dear old Queen" at his college, but it came out "the queer old Dean." Often phrased as a "difference between" question, a classic is, "what's the difference between a nun and a girl in a bathtub?" The answer, of course, is "the nun has hope in her soul."

What's the difference between a Cirque de Soleil performance and a beauty pageant?

Cirque de Soleil features a cunning bunch of stunts.

Know any to add? Think of some of your own?

 

[AG31]

I was reminded recently of my father's favorite funny.

Look at all those unikew antikew shops. Aren't they pictureskwee???

 

[Tio_Narratore]

I was reminded recently of my father's favorite funny.

Look at all those unikew antikew shops. Aren't they pictureskwee???

Yes, and many are like upscale boutikews with parkewtree flooring.

 

[Comshaw]

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup
truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently
angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and flipped the woman off.
"Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself.

I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to
me in traffic and here's why: I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 98 miles each
day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8
lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a
new car every 40 feet per lane. That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out
to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another
4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day. Statistically,
half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000.

In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's
449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered
suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is
increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love
life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having
the worst day of her period, and is armed.

Flip one off?...............I think not.

 

[RachelWalsh]