More Humour
- Thread starter Handley_Page
- Start date
Sappho_CGN
Hell on highheels
- Joined
- Feb 8, 2024
- Posts
- 1,303
Women look for the gentleman, succesfull in his job, able craftsman, romantic as a minstrel, in bed the badboy and who always know which role is just wanted.
Men wish a wife, friend, lover, mother, whore and that all these women never meet.
Men wish a wife, friend, lover, mother, whore and that all these women never meet.
HandleyPage
Virgin
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2024
- Posts
- 16
Things are bad at home.
She says she's sick of me!
Football, Rugby,Cricket, always Sport on the Telly.
Anyway, I booked a quiet table for two last night to try and patch things up.
By 9 o clock things were 10 times worse!!
She hadn't potted a single red........
She says she's sick of me!
Football, Rugby,Cricket, always Sport on the Telly.
Anyway, I booked a quiet table for two last night to try and patch things up.
By 9 o clock things were 10 times worse!!
She hadn't potted a single red........
imusis
Experienced
- Joined
- Jan 1, 2019
- Posts
- 36
Henry woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a fantastic headache, cotton-mouthed and completely unable to recall the events of the night before.
He made his way downstairs and his wife put some coffee in front of him.
'Olivia,' he moaned, 'tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?'
'No, it was worse,' she said, her voice full of scorn. ‘You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the company president right to his face.’
‘He’s an arsehole,’ Henry said. ‘Piss on him.’
‘You did,’ she replied. ‘And then he fired you.’
‘Well, fuck him!’ said Henry.
‘I did,” his wife answered. “You’re back at work on Monday.’
He made his way downstairs and his wife put some coffee in front of him.
'Olivia,' he moaned, 'tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?'
'No, it was worse,' she said, her voice full of scorn. ‘You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the company president right to his face.’
‘He’s an arsehole,’ Henry said. ‘Piss on him.’
‘You did,’ she replied. ‘And then he fired you.’
‘Well, fuck him!’ said Henry.
‘I did,” his wife answered. “You’re back at work on Monday.’
MillieDynamite
Millie'sVastExpanse
- Joined
- Jun 5, 2021
- Posts
- 10,371
StillStunned
Mr Sticky
- Joined
- Jun 4, 2023
- Posts
- 10,337
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
(No, it doesn't deserve to be put in spoiler tags.)
A stick.
(No, it doesn't deserve to be put in spoiler tags.)
MillieDynamite
Millie'sVastExpanse
- Joined
- Jun 5, 2021
- Posts
- 10,371
I give you the guide cat!!!!
StillStunned
Mr Sticky
- Joined
- Jun 4, 2023
- Posts
- 10,337
I used to have a cat that was the spitting image of that Siamese.
UsuallyPresent
Gene Tripper
- Joined
- Aug 23, 2019
- Posts
- 10,490
Last time I heard that, I fell, laughing, off my dinosaur.
StillStunned
Mr Sticky
- Joined
- Jun 4, 2023
- Posts
- 10,337
The classics stick around for a reason.
UsuallyPresent
Gene Tripper
- Joined
- Aug 23, 2019
- Posts
- 10,490
*groan* OK, that's so weak it can't swim against the current in my septic tank.
MillieDynamite
Millie'sVastExpanse
- Joined
- Jun 5, 2021
- Posts
- 10,371
Emilymcplugger
Deviant but Romantic
- Joined
- Mar 2, 2022
- Posts
- 1,363
4. Repetition
e. Inconsistency
MediocreAuthor
You can call me "M"
- Joined
- Nov 1, 2022
- Posts
- 1,539
I can't remember if I told this one before, so here goes:
A man goes in to apply for a job.
After a very positive interview, the interviewer smiles. "Well sir, your resume is impressive, and you certainly seem familiar with our industry. We just have a few more questions; a formality, really."
The man returns the smile. "Thank you ma'am."
The interviewer sets her pen down on the table. "What would you describe as your greatest flaw?"
The man scratches his chin and after a brief moment, he answers, "Hmm... I'd have to say that I'm probably too honest."
Nodding her head in approval, she responds, "Personally, I don't even consider that a flaw."
"Well I don't give a fuck what you think."
A man goes in to apply for a job.
After a very positive interview, the interviewer smiles. "Well sir, your resume is impressive, and you certainly seem familiar with our industry. We just have a few more questions; a formality, really."
The man returns the smile. "Thank you ma'am."
The interviewer sets her pen down on the table. "What would you describe as your greatest flaw?"
The man scratches his chin and after a brief moment, he answers, "Hmm... I'd have to say that I'm probably too honest."
Nodding her head in approval, she responds, "Personally, I don't even consider that a flaw."
"Well I don't give a fuck what you think."
- Joined
- Dec 4, 2017
- Posts
- 7,613
Q. How do you offer comfort to a depressed logophile?
A. "There, they're, their..."
A. "There, they're, their..."
P
Plathfan
Guest
A guy with a stutter walks into a coffee bar, looking for coffee. The waiter comes over, and the guy starts: “C-c-c-c... co-co-co...”
The people nearby glance over, trying not to laugh, but the longer it takes, the harder it becomes to hold back.
“C-c-c-co-co-co...”
Before long, the whole bar is snickering, some even outright laughing. Humiliated, he bolts out the door and heads home to practice.
For two days straight, he works on it: “C-c-c-co-co-co...” until he finally nails it: “Coffee!”
Feeling triumphant, he struts back into the bar, slams the counter, and shouts, “Waiter! Coffee!”
The room freezes, impressed. The waiter pours him a cup, and he drinks it with pride, basking in the glory.
After finishing, he decides he wants a beer.
“Waiter!” he calls out confidently. “B-b-b-b... be-be-be-beee...”
And just like that, the entire bar loses it. People are wheezing, crying with laughter.
Humiliated again, he runs home. Another two days of practice: “B-b-b-b... be-be-be-beee...” until he masters it: “Beer! Beer!”
He storms back into the bar and slams the counter even harder this time. “Waiter! Beer!”
The patrons nod in approval. The waiter leans over and asks, “Sure! Which one: Heineken or Weihenstephan?”
A long pause...
“Coffee!”
The people nearby glance over, trying not to laugh, but the longer it takes, the harder it becomes to hold back.
“C-c-c-co-co-co...”
Before long, the whole bar is snickering, some even outright laughing. Humiliated, he bolts out the door and heads home to practice.
For two days straight, he works on it: “C-c-c-co-co-co...” until he finally nails it: “Coffee!”
Feeling triumphant, he struts back into the bar, slams the counter, and shouts, “Waiter! Coffee!”
The room freezes, impressed. The waiter pours him a cup, and he drinks it with pride, basking in the glory.
After finishing, he decides he wants a beer.
“Waiter!” he calls out confidently. “B-b-b-b... be-be-be-beee...”
And just like that, the entire bar loses it. People are wheezing, crying with laughter.
Humiliated again, he runs home. Another two days of practice: “B-b-b-b... be-be-be-beee...” until he masters it: “Beer! Beer!”
He storms back into the bar and slams the counter even harder this time. “Waiter! Beer!”
The patrons nod in approval. The waiter leans over and asks, “Sure! Which one: Heineken or Weihenstephan?”
A long pause...
“Coffee!”
Justplainjeff
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 10, 2020
- Posts
- 834
Or, Suzie tells her mommy that she saw daddy on top of her in bed. Mommy says "that's how we get babies". Suzie then says, I saw daddy's peepee in your mouth. Mommy says, " that's how we get jewelry"!
MillieDynamite
Millie'sVastExpanse
- Joined
- Jun 5, 2021
- Posts
- 10,371
A lawyer works late. His partner leaves early, saying, "I have things I need to take care of, sorry I can't help."
The lawyer walks into his house later and finds his partner in bed with his wife. He looks at them, and they look at him. Shrugging his shoulders, he walks out and goes to the kitchen. Getting himself a beer, he sits at the table, drinking alone. His wife comes in and says, "Can't you even offer your partner a beer, considering he was covering for you?"
The lawyer walks into his house later and finds his partner in bed with his wife. He looks at them, and they look at him. Shrugging his shoulders, he walks out and goes to the kitchen. Getting himself a beer, he sits at the table, drinking alone. His wife comes in and says, "Can't you even offer your partner a beer, considering he was covering for you?"
StillStunned
Mr Sticky
- Joined
- Jun 4, 2023
- Posts
- 10,337
A man's car breaks down on the motorway, so he pulls over onto the hard shoulder. Just as he opens the door, a lorry drives past and smashes the door off.
The man's standing there cursing when a police car pulls up to see what's happening. The man starts shouting, "Do you see what happened? That lorry just ruined my Mercedes?"
The police officers let him rant for a while, then one of them interrupts him. "Let me guess, you're a lawyer."
He pauses. "Yes, how did you know?"
"Because the lorry didn't just rip the door off, it took your arm with it. But here you are, focusing only on your material possessions."
The man looks down and notices the bloody stump for the first time. He stares, then yells, "My Rolex!"
The man's standing there cursing when a police car pulls up to see what's happening. The man starts shouting, "Do you see what happened? That lorry just ruined my Mercedes?"
The police officers let him rant for a while, then one of them interrupts him. "Let me guess, you're a lawyer."
He pauses. "Yes, how did you know?"
"Because the lorry didn't just rip the door off, it took your arm with it. But here you are, focusing only on your material possessions."
The man looks down and notices the bloody stump for the first time. He stares, then yells, "My Rolex!"
