monogamy-why?

[Zergplex]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Zergplex Says

By normal,,I assume you're referring to any partnership/union of two people not formalised by marriage?

If so, then I would disagree that those de facto unions contain as many unhappy couples as a similar sampling of married ones.

Seriously, if you're not married and are not happy in a relationship, why would you stay?

My point originally was that there is a rise of failed relationships just as there is a rise in divorce. Not that the people stay in the relationship (though many of them do, and I have to agree with Erika's view on the matter). I am sayiing that being married and being in a relationship both have common problems, and the problems that are causing so many divorces nowadays are problems you are going to be facing in a serious unmarried relationship anyways.

And I meant ALL unmarried relationships in my original post, both monogamous and polyamorous relationships where the partners are 'together'.

-Zergplex

 

[Zergplex]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Zergplex Says

I agree with all that.

I should have been more specific....I still feel that all things being equal , marriage, either good bad or indifferent will hold two people together for longer than any common law/de facto arrangement will.

Oh, and btw, preface all the above with IMHO

She did preface everything she said with I think.

Yes marriage does hold people together for longer periods of time, that point was never on debate.

-Zergplex

 

[SweetErika]

Inertia? The same reason people continue in unhappy marriages? They would rather be in a relationship than not?

I think relationships and perhaps to some extent marriages are strengthened or destroyed by a series of challenges. When faced with a problem people can either face it together as a united front, disagree on the side or solution, or one of them can handle it and the other be in denial. I think denial is worse than disagreement because in denial you are opting out of responsibility in the relationship. However, I don't see how this is a problem specific to the number of partners in a relationship or in a persons life.

This is such a good point, Noor! I think a lot of people commit before they've actually faced any major challenges. Then, the stress comes along, and they see a whole new side of eachother and can't deal with it. Actually, the fact that we faced and overcame some horrible things together was one of the reasons we decided we wanted to spend our lives together. And it was a damn good thing we had been through those things... we spent the first 16 months of our marriage watching his mom struggle with and pass away from cancer. I'm convinced we can make it through just about anything in the future.

 

[Zergplex]

Zergplex Says

This is such a good point, Noor! I think a lot of people commit before they've actually faced any major challenges. Then, the stress comes along, and they see a whole new side of eachother and can't deal with it. Actually, the fact that we faced and overcame some horrible things together was one of the reasons we decided we wanted to spend our lives together. And it was a damn good thing we had been through those things... we spent the first 16 months of our marriage watching his mom struggle with and pass away from cancer. I'm convinced we can make it through just about anything in the future.

^_^ I'm so happy you have such a strong relationship Erika. It's the hardest times that show the true strength of your relationship and I'm glad you guys made it through those times.

-Zergplex

 

[sxylegs]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Zergplex Says

By normal,,I assume you're referring to any partnership/union of two people not formalised by marriage?

If so, then I would disagree that those de facto unions contain as many unhappy couples as a similar sampling of married ones.

Seriously, if you're not married and are not happy in a relationship, why would you stay?

You wouldnt believe the number of people that I know that are unhappy and are not married.....they cheat on their SO.....my theory is if you cheat on a boyfriend or girlfriend why are you still in the relationship......they say they love the other person.....to me it is really wierd...

I own an alterations shop and I am a little cynical about marriage....I have been here 9 years and I have done the first and second wedding dresses on quite a few women....in just these 9 years.....I also did the third wedding dress a couple of weeks ago.....
I dont believe that marriage or monogamy is the problem it is the fact that people want the rush......they want the in-love feeling that comes with the new relationship and when that starts to diminish and reality sets in then they go on to the next person whether they are married or not...

 

[crazybbwgirl]

I am always impressed by people (like Erika and Zerg) who have a strong relationship and obviously work on it. Hard. Marriage and/or monogamy is hard work. (like Bush likes to say! lol) IMHO I've yet to see in my life - and rarely see in other's relationships - where all this hard work pays off.

Being single is sooooooooo wonderful and easy and fun and great. Its also challenging, self growing, empowering and stressful. I like myself - a lot - maybe too much. I enjoy being alone - a lot - maybe too much! I just wish the 'stigma' of being single, and the 'acceptance' of being married wasn't so set in stone. There's nothing wrong with having other options.

 

[sxylegs]

I enjoy being alone - a lot - maybe too much! I just wish the 'stigma' of being single, and the 'acceptance' of being married wasn't so set in stone. There's nothing wrong with having other options. [/B][/QUOTE]

You are quite right.....there are just too many stigmas......There shouldnt be any at all.......Why cant you be single? Why do people tend to feel sorry for you if you are???

 

[BTK51]

What Stigmas?

I enjoy being alone - a lot - maybe too much! I just wish the 'stigma' of being single, and the 'acceptance' of being married wasn't so set in stone. There's nothing wrong with having other options.

You are quite right.....there are just too many stigmas......There shouldnt be any at all.......Why cant you be single? Why do people tend to feel sorry for you if you are??? [/B][/QUOTE]

There are pros & cons to being married and single. Maybe it’s just the part of the country I live in but I don’t see the stigmas that everyone else sees. I know several single people who have never married. The large majority are women by the way. I don’t feel sorry for them, because for the most part they are very happy. There are two that would prefer to be married but haven’t met the right person. I respect them more for having their “shit together” than those that hop in & out of marriages like it was dating.

What stigmas are you guys talking about?

 

[BTK51]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Zergplex Says

I think relationships and perhaps to some extent marriages are strengthened or destroyed by a series of challenges. When faced with a problem people can either face it together as a united front, disagree on the side or solution, or one of them can handle it and the other be in denial. I think denial is worse than disagreement because in denial you are opting out of responsibility in the relationship.

You are so right! Specifically, when we lost our son I discovered that it is also a razor sharp edge as to whether it brings you closer together or blows you apart. I do believe that it is the level of commitment that is the determining factor as to where you land just as much as the actions of the people involved. I firmly believe situations like this are where the benefits to a monogamous relationship really show. I could have never gotten through that period without my wife and she has told me that she feels the same about me.

However, I don't see how this is a problem specific to the number of partners in a relationship or in a persons life.

I disagree here. I see a huge relevance here. Maybe it was just us but I know, having to deal with more people in a relationship would have made it much, much more difficult and for me. I’m sure it would have been impossible. The fact that we had each other to hold, comfort, discuss and work together through everything ( the funeral, the burial, our other sons' emotions, our hurts, our anger and our fears) made it much easier. I saw a love and caring from her (and she saw the same from me) that said: together we can overcome anything. I don’t think one could experience that level from more than one person. I also can’t imagine how to deal with another person’s issues as well.

 

[sxylegs]

Re: What Stigmas?

[http://www.literotica.com/forum/showthread.php?threadid=261883&goto=newpost

What stigmas are you guys talking about? [/B][/QUOTE]


I have a fantastic relationship with someone I have been with for over 3 years.....it has been a struggle some of the time....as we all know.....Marriage is not an option because I am a widow and self-employed.....If I get married I will give up $1300 a month social security from my late husband.....
We go places and people always ask us why we arent married....we have been told a lot if we are together over 3 years and not married then we should separate.......it seems like everybody wants everybody else to be like them or have their standards......
Im glad we are not like that here at lit!!!....LOL

 

[Zergplex]

Zergplex Says

I am always impressed by people (like Erika and Zerg) who have a strong relationship and obviously work on it. Hard. Marriage and/or monogamy is hard work. (like Bush likes to say! lol) IMHO I've yet to see in my life - and rarely see in other's relationships - where all this hard work pays off.

Being single is sooooooooo wonderful and easy and fun and great. Its also challenging, self growing, empowering and stressful. I like myself - a lot - maybe too much. I enjoy being alone - a lot - maybe too much! I just wish the 'stigma' of being single, and the 'acceptance' of being married wasn't so set in stone. There's nothing wrong with having other options.

Why thank you CBBW!

I have to agree, the stigma attached to not being married, especially as you grow older is ridiculious. If you are happy and enjoying your life does it really matter if you say 'I do' or not? It is ridiculious, I may argue with you that marriage is a viable choice CBBW, but I agree 100% it should not be the only/assumed choice. There are many many differant types of relationships out there for differant people, and none of them are the wrong way to live. As long as your enjoying yourself and not hurting anyone (unless your into BDSM that is....) then you are living the life that is right for you!

-Zergplex

 

[BTK51]

Hijaked From The Monogamy Thread, But ...

[/B]I have a fantastic relationship with someone I have been with for over 3 years.....it has been a struggle some of the time....as we all know.....Marriage is not an option because I am a widow and self-employed.....If I get married I will give up $1300 a month social security from my late husband.....
We go places and people always ask us why we arent married....we have been told a lot if we are together over 3 years and not married then we should separate.......it seems like everybody wants everybody else to be like them or have their standards......
Im glad we are not like that here at lit!!!....LOL [/B]

Tell them you seperated for a day and want to give it another try - talk with you in October, 2007. You can probably put up with those types of comments once every 3 years.

Doesn't seem like a comment worth having much of a discussion over!

 

[sxylegs]

Re: Hijaked From The Monogamy Thread, But ...

Doesn't seem like a comment worth having much of a discussion over! [/B][/QUOTE]

It really isnt .......until it happens over and over again.....what is really funny is that a lot of people say how happy we look and how we get along so well.......so why dont we get married.....like that is going to change things.....LOL......
Maybe it will make us as miserable as they are.....hehe

 

[SweetErika]

Sxylgs: You are quite right.....there are just too many stigmas......There shouldnt be any at all.......Why cant you be single? Why do people tend to feel sorry for you if you are???

I feel sorry for single people who believe they need someone else to "complete them" and aren't happy enough with themselves to enjoy being single (I'm not talking about the occasional thought about how it'd be nice to have someone). I've known several people who have rushed into marriage or having kids because they NEED someone else...pathetic.

I feel sorry for married/committed people who think they can not possibly be happy on their own and stay in unhappy and abusive relationships.

Originally posted by CrazyBBWgirl I am always impressed by people (like Erika and Zerg) who have a strong relationship and obviously work on it. Hard. Marriage and/or monogamy is hard work. (like Bush likes to say! lol) IMHO I've yet to see in my life - and rarely see in other's relationships - where all this hard work pays off.

Being single is sooooooooo wonderful and easy and fun and great. Its also challenging, self growing, empowering and stressful. I like myself - a lot - maybe too much. I enjoy being alone - a lot - maybe too much! I just wish the 'stigma' of being single, and the 'acceptance' of being married wasn't so set in stone. There's nothing wrong with having other options.

There are a lot of ways to measure success and pay offs. The hard work pays off now because I'm happy. It's paid off because I've learned so much about myself and have been able to apply that knowledge to my other interactions and relationships. I'm a better person because of what I've learned. If we raise a healthy child, it will have paid off. I'm not saying you can't do any of this or be happy when you're single, just addressing the pay-off issue.

 

[ReadyOne]

Re: Re: Hijaked From The Monogamy Thread, But ...

It really isnt .......until it happens over and over again.....what is really funny is that a lot of people say how happy we look and how we get along so well.......so why dont we get married.....like that is going to change things.....LOL......
Maybe it will make us as miserable as they are.....hehe [/B]

I've found the word "financial" generally answers the question when asked of me (before I was wed).

 

[sxylegs]

Re: Re: Re: Hijaked From The Monogamy Thread, But ...

I've found the word "financial" generally answers the question when asked of me (before I was wed).

you are right....the word "financial" usually does work....but since im a blonde....I dont always think of it at the time....LOL

Hope you all have a great day!!!

 

[Noor]

revival?

I had a slightly disconcerting conversation with a friend concerning assumptions the other night. We were talking about at what point relationships become defined and he basically said if you had sex with someone, unless it was a one night stand then it was assumed that you were in a monagamous relationship. I was so shocked I just muttered something about preferring discussion rather than assumptions in these matters.
Is it my imagination or is my friend is some strange time warp? Is this a common perception?

 

[Bobmi357]

Is it my imagination or is my friend is some strange time warp? Is this a common perception?

You may think you friend is in a time warp, but if he is, then he has a lot of company with him. I am monogamous, and in a monogamous relationship. One of the oh so minor benefits of such is I trust my partner will never bring home something that won't kill me, make me deathly ill or otherwise harm me.

Unless you've been brought up in a household where your parents were swingers, most of us are brought up to expect our spouses to be faithful as well as you being faithful.

Remember that you're on an erotica website, so the quality of the answers you recieve have to be tempered by the fact that the answers come from a very small portion of the overall population. Sure I'd expect a fair number of people here to say monogamy sucks and they'd never subscribe to it, but ask 100 people on the street the same question and you'll get totally different results.

For myself I prefer monogamy. I have one steady partner whom I've learned to please the way she likes it. She's faithful to me and I to her. It works for us and I suspect it works for a lot of other people as well. Unfortunately for litsters however, they aren't the majority of the population, I daresay, probably not even a significant minority.

 

[ReadyOne]

A columnist in today's paper (Ann's Mailbox? Miss Manors?) had a question where someone 17 odd years back had one date with the questioner's cousin. Now that someone is dating the questioner, and the cousin was saying "how could you date the guy I was dating?" as if the cousin by virtue of 1 date obtained "ownership" of the guy and continues to possess it after 17 years.

Obviously an extreme case, but the column went on to note how much "property rights" have grown over the years. There used to be 3 states: "married", "engaged", and "free". Now days there has been add "going steady", "pinned", "seeing" and several more.

To conclusion that claiming "property rights" over someone without a formal public agreement both infringes on that someone's right of free assosication (as well as the people that someone may wish to associate with) and it is selfish.

 

[Noor]

You may think you friend is in a time warp, but if he is, then he has a lot of company with him. I am monogamous, and in a monogamous relationship. One of the oh so minor benefits of such is I trust my partner will never bring home something that won't kill me, make me deathly ill or otherwise harm me.

Unless you've been brought up in a household where your parents were swingers, most of us are brought up to expect our spouses to be faithful as well as you being faithful.

Remember that you're on an erotica website, so the quality of the answers you receive have to be tempered by the fact that the answers come from a very small portion of the overall population. Sure I'd expect a fair number of people here to say monogamy sucks and they'd never subscribe to it, but ask 100 people on the street the same question and you'll get totally different results.

For myself I prefer monogamy. I have one steady partner whom I've learned to please the way she likes it. She's faithful to me and I to her. It works for us and I suspect it works for a lot of other people as well. Unfortunately for litsters however, they aren't the majority of the population, I daresay, probably not even a significant minority.

The time warp to me was not that he would choose monogamy but his assumption that having sex once was a declaration of it. My word is my agreement, not an assumption.
I look at faithfulness to be one where people honor their agreements within their relationship, but I expect to have clear spoken agreements.

Until recently, I have never felt the pull of monogamy, I have had serious relationships with more than one person at a time, and I have been faithful to them within the bounds of our agreements.
Most non-monogamous people who are in serious relationships use condoms and are very careful. Considering the infidelity rate in US (and world), I am not sure one can be secure that understandings of monogamy protect one from disease.

The reason I started this thread was because I found one person with whom I think I would feel differently if we were free to be involved. Strange feelings that I wanted to explore and hear from others. With this person I could easily see myself changing my answer from I am not monogamous to I have found the one, I don't want anyone else, but that is easy to think when there is no possibility of it happening.

At least I know how my friend thinks, time warp or no, and so I can be prepared to talk with him before entering into a sexual relationship, if that is the way things are heading. I usually talk about birth control, and abortion before having sex for the first time, but not usually my position on monogamy, although most of my friends know this. He even knows this on some level, maybe it is a lack of understanding that someone can care about you and not automatically become monogamous, I don't know.

 

[Noor]

A columnist in today's paper (Ann's Mailbox? Miss Manors?) had a question where someone 17 odd years back had one date with the questioner's cousin. Now that someone is dating the questioner, and the cousin was saying "how could you date the guy I was dating?" as if the cousin by virtue of 1 date obtained "ownership" of the guy and continues to possess it after 17 years.

Obviously an extreme case, but the column went on to note how much "property rights" have grown over the years. There used to be 3 states: "married", "engaged", and "free". Now days there has been add "going steady", "pinned", "seeing" and several more.

To conclusion that claiming "property rights" over someone without a formal public agreement both infringes on that someone's right of free assosication (as well as the people that someone may wish to associate with) and it is selfish.

I thought "pinning" was from the 50's. I didn't look at it as a property right thing, but then again I don't see people even within the bounds of monogamous marriage as property of each other, I looked at his statement as the way he thought things were, that sex was the seal on an agreement.

 

[TirelessTongue]

Monogamy = Monotonany

I

 

[TheCentaur]

I put "social pressure" and "made an agreement, sticking to it". Pressure may be the wrong word, proabably more norms/upbringing. My W & I were definitely brought up in traditional settings where marriage = monogamy. I'd be open to expanding but, at least as of now, my W would definitely not be open to that. Nor is our communication level mature enough to handle an open relationship.

 

[Bobmi357]

The time warp to me was not that he would choose monogamy but his assumption that having sex once was a declaration of it. My word is my agreement, not an assumption.
I look at faithfulness to be one where people honor their agreements within their relationship, but I expect to have clear spoken agreements.

I'm not sure that one incident of sex makes two people a couple. It takes both to agree to being a "couple". But once that happens, there is an expectation of remaining faithful that is put there by society. Perhaps if society were raising kids differently it would be different.

When the wife and I tied the knot, we had several changes made to the service, but niether of us felt inclined to remove the "forsaking all others" part.

The real question should be, when are two people a couple enough to consider the expectation of remaining faithful? I think thats got to be something every couple decides for themselves. My ex mother-inlaw dated her boyfriend for years but refused to call him anything more than a friend, despite the fact that they were sleeping together.

However, unless a couple agrees otherwise, I think they have a right to expect fidelity.

 

[sxylegs]

It was nice to read that a guy thought they were monogamos after they had slept together. That seems like a sign of respect for their partner. In this day and age where everybody I know cheats, it was refreshing. .....I keep meeting these guys who dont believe in monogamy.....
I do believe that it should be discussed and not just assumed...