monogamy-why?

[KinkyKiki]

I'm curious as to why people think they are monogamous by nature or because that's what a god intended.

because for a lot of people that's part of their belief system making it what God does intend for them.

 

[crazybbwgirl]

I checked out a few things last night and most people think they are monogamous by nature because they are possessive and jealous by nature...so in return they feel that by being those things they must curb that by being faithful and having the person that they are possessive about be faithful too....

Now that is a very interesting concept. I'll be the first to admit being overly possessive is a big reason many of my earlier relationships failed. Either I was too possessive or they were too possessive. To me - being monogamous MAKES me become possessive. I've had much better luck in my relationships since I gave up the whole monogamy thing. I always end up being 'mostly' monogamous - but all that pressure, jealousy and possessiveness is gone. Very liberating. You can get to know and love someone for who they are - not for how much you can control them.

 

[KinkyKiki]

Now that is a very interesting concept. I'll be the first to admit being overly possessive is a big reason many of my earlier relationships failed. Either I was too possessive or they were too possessive. To me - being monogamous MAKES me become possessive. I've had much better luck in my relationships since I gave up the whole monogamy thing. I always end up being 'mostly' monogamous - but all that pressure, jealousy and possessiveness is gone. Very liberating. You can get to know and love someone for who they are - not for how much you can control them.

You make an interesting point, but I do wish to point out the marriage and relationships in general are not about controlling anyone. Unfortunately that does happen from time to tim. So if you're trying to take the control out of a relationship that's not really a true relationship.

 

[Zergplex]

Zergplex Says

I'm curious as to why people think they are monogamous by nature or because that's what a god intended.

Well the opposite is just as true, why does someone believe they are polygamous by nature and just forced to be monogamous?

For me my I can't love two people at the same time, one person would suffer from the lack and that isn't fair to them. Many other reasons as well (I think I went over this earlier in the thread but what the heck). I admit to being a bit jealous, I would be hurt my lover would want to share me and I wouldn't want to share her. Though you can argue this is due to childhood conditioning a non manogamous relationship just doesn't feel right for me. I guess this subject all comes down to the same question as asking a Homosexual or Hetrosexual why they are the way they are, just because it feels 'right'. The same can be said of this subject, no matter what the reasoning is to the contrary if someone feels right in a monogamous relationship then that is what they should be in, and vice versa for non monogamous *shrugs*.

As for why some people feel it's what god intended, well it IS what a good majority of religions spout off, both the priests and holy books ^_^()

-Zergplex

 

[Zergplex]

Zergplex Says

Now that is a very interesting concept. I'll be the first to admit being overly possessive is a big reason many of my earlier relationships failed. Either I was too possessive or they were too possessive. To me - being monogamous MAKES me become possessive. I've had much better luck in my relationships since I gave up the whole monogamy thing. I always end up being 'mostly' monogamous - but all that pressure, jealousy and possessiveness is gone. Very liberating. You can get to know and love someone for who they are - not for how much you can control them.

... o.o;; ok if thats how things are for you then I can understand why you feel that way about monogamous relationships, but try and keep in mind not all of our experiances are like that. In my monogamous relationships I learn to love someone for who they are, control is not nor has it ever been an issue with me.

-Zergplex

 

[crazybbwgirl]

Re: Zergplex Says

... o.o;; ok if thats how things are for you then I can understand why you feel that way about monogamous relationships, but try and keep in mind not all of our experiances are like that. In my monogamous relationships I learn to love someone for who they are, control is not nor has it ever been an issue with me.

-Zergplex

Talk to me again in 10 years. I'd be very interested in seeing if you still feel the same way. Not that there's anything wrong with monogamy - I still say gods bless 'em!

 

[sxylegs]

Re: Re: Zergplex Says

Talk to me again in 10 years. I'd be very interested in seeing if you still feel the same way. Not that there's anything wrong with monogamy - I still say gods bless 'em!

even though i am monogamous i agree with what you say......even if i was not mono.....I would want boundaries.....not control but some sort of boundaries.....
I do not want my health in the hands of a horny guy....(I know he still may cheat) or do I want to be responsible for his....so now i do it out of choice...and to let him know that he is the only one. I do believe that if you cheat on a guy it demasculates him.....and he feels less of a man.....where if you are faithful they feel manly.....
I always had open relationships......but this one where we are monagamous seems to be working better than the others.....we are even talking about alternative lifestyles, but only when we are both present...

I wish we all had the luck of Zerplex.....not all of us find the love that you have.......we get close.....

 

[SweetErika]

Monogamy by Nature/God...

Very interesting, thanks for your opinions. My husband and I were talking about the biological and sociocultural aspects of monogamy last night (I told him he should post, but he's afraid it wouldn't be well received)...fascinating stuff!

Zergplex: Well the opposite is just as true, why does someone believe they are polygamous by nature and just forced to be monogamous?

There's a fair amount of biological evidence to support the idea that people are polyamorous by nature, so I think that lends creedence to it. A lot of the evidence suggests love and marriage choice is a result of sociocultural factors/conditioning. My hubby could give specific examples, but that's about as far as I feel comfortable going without a true background in cultural anthropology.

 

[KinkyKiki]

Re: Re: Zergplex Says

Talk to me again in 10 years. I'd be very interested in seeing if you still feel the same way. Not that there's anything wrong with monogamy - I still say gods bless 'em!

I just find it so interesting that you are so bitter about it. Ok maybe bitter isn't the right word for it because I don't mean to sound mean, but it's just such a cold harsh feeling I get everytime I read any of your posts directed toward marriage or committed relationships. I don't know anything about your life and your past so I can't even begin to claim to understand why you are the way you are and I'm sure you've been hurt or scorned in the past which has given you good reason to believe the way you do. But it's not that way for everyone. The way you say I'd be interested in seeing if you still feel the same way in 10 years implies that you think everyone has this naive viewpoint and that they'll change once they're exposed to the "real world" or "marriage" or whatever else. It's just such a strange concept to me that you feel this way, but more than that....that you project your feelings onto everyone else and just have this...we'll see attitude...we'll see if you still have those happy sweet feelings about love and committment someday....... Speaking for myself alone I can tell you now that 5, 10, 50 years from now I'll still feel the same way I do now.

 

[crazybbwgirl]

I know, I know - I come off sounding like a bitter old hag. And that's really not the case. My bad feelings of marriage have very little to do with my own life - much more to do with the people I see around me (and read here at Lit. ) Like I said in my last post. I have NOTHING against monogamy. I think its great - I say go for it.

I also know - from years of experience watching such things - that in 10 years MOST happily married couples will be a tad less enthusiatic about their situation. Half will already be divorced, re-married and possibly divorced again. More than half will be cheated on or cheat on their spouse. Another bunch will be someplace like this posting "My wife never gives me head anymore." This sends up a huge warning flag for me.

I see this going on around me daily. I do not like this. I will avoid this at all costs. I think I'm doing a service even if I can get ONE other women to re-consider the single life. Save yourselves while you can - (shit - did I say that last part outloud? damn)

The point is - there ARE other options. That's all I'm saying......

 

[SweetErika]

There are other options, and you have to go into it with your eyes wide open. We're reading "The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work" right now, not because we're unhappy, but because prevention is much easier than repair. Too many people get married hastily and think love will keep them together. It won't...you have to work on it everyday. I can see how that's not very appealing to a lot of people.

 

[KinkyKiki]

well like I said I can see your point and you are entitled to your opinion but for me the single life is not a choice. I guess techniquely it is, but I don't want it to be. You're right about people being divorced and onto another marriage so quickly though. I just can't understand that. My fiance and I were talking about the just the other night and it's so frightening to us that the average marriage is 9 years now. That is absolutely ridiculous. Although you can't base your own life on those of the people around you either.

 

[crazybbwgirl]

well like I said I can see your point and you are entitled to your opinion but for me the single life is not a choice. I guess techniquely it is, but I don't want it to be. You're right about people being divorced and onto another marriage so quickly though. I just can't understand that. My fiance and I were talking about the just the other night and it's so frightening to us that the average marriage is 9 years now. That is absolutely ridiculous. Although you can't base your own life on those of the people around you either.

No - but you can learn from their mistakes!

 

[Zergplex]

Re: Re: Zergplex Says

Talk to me again in 10 years. I'd be very interested in seeing if you still feel the same way. Not that there's anything wrong with monogamy - I still say gods bless 'em!

I don't think in 10 years my opinion will have changed very much. I was always told that I would change my opinions on abstience once I had the chance to have sex, and I never have. I have always been told that my thoughts on relationships was too idealistic and yet my relationship was longer and is still lasting while the people who said such to me have had theirs long since fail *shrugs*. I'm pigheaded, can you tell ^_~. Anything could happen, in 10 years we could be on very differant sides of this arguement with you argueing for monogamy and myself against, but I doubt it. We both have very strong opinions one way or the other and I don't see either of them changing in the foreseeable future.

-Zergplex

 

[Zergplex]

Zergplex Says

No - but you can learn from their mistakes!

Yes you can learn from their mistakes. The differance is you see the learning experiance being the choice not to get married, while I see the learning experiance understanding where their marraige went wrong and use taht knowledge to improve your own marriage.

-Zergplex

 

[Zergplex]

Zergplex Says

Very interesting, thanks for your opinions. My husband and I were talking about the biological and sociocultural aspects of monogamy last night (I told him he should post, but he's afraid it wouldn't be well received)...fascinating stuff!


There's a fair amount of biological evidence to support the idea that people are polyamorous by nature, so I think that lends creedence to it. A lot of the evidence suggests love and marriage choice is a result of sociocultural factors/conditioning. My hubby could give specific examples, but that's about as far as I feel comfortable going without a true background in cultural anthropology.

There is also a fair amount of biological evidence that women are monogamous and men are polyamourous due to genetics, yet I am strongly mono while Crazybbw seems to be argueing the Poly side. I take anything about genetic predisposition with a grain of salt for two reasons, the first being that many other factors are involved other then just your predisposition and the second being the fact that the majority of the male predispositions seem to not apply to me. This may be the most negative I have sounded over her on anything but I really think all this genetics stuff is a crock of shit, they are excuses to continue old stereotypes or create new ones *shrugs*. Maybe thats just because I have people throw them up against me in real life waaaaay too much when they don't have any other valid arguement left to stand on...

-Zergplex

 

[Zergplex]

Re: Re: Re: Zergplex Says

I wish we all had the luck of Zerplex.....not all of us find the love that you have.......we get close.....

Thank you... that really makes me feel nice to hear. My relationship took alot of work to get to this point... and thats one reason why I think divorce is so high at the moment, no one wants to work for it. Good relationships and marriages both require work and attention, a feeling that the work is worth having a relationship with this person... sorry I'm going off on a tangent ^_^()

-Zergplex

 

[Zergplex]

Zergplex Says

I know, I know - I come off sounding like a bitter old hag. And that's really not the case. My bad feelings of marriage have very little to do with my own life - much more to do with the people I see around me (and read here at Lit. ) Like I said in my last post. I have NOTHING against monogamy. I think its great - I say go for it.

I also know - from years of experience watching such things - that in 10 years MOST happily married couples will be a tad less enthusiatic about their situation. Half will already be divorced, re-married and possibly divorced again. More than half will be cheated on or cheat on their spouse. Another bunch will be someplace like this posting "My wife never gives me head anymore." This sends up a huge warning flag for me.

I see this going on around me daily. I do not like this. I will avoid this at all costs. I think I'm doing a service even if I can get ONE other women to re-consider the single life. Save yourselves while you can - (shit - did I say that last part outloud? damn)

The point is - there ARE other options. That's all I'm saying......

And the other options have just as bad rates of success as marriage ^_~

Other options exist but I can't understand why you see them as such a godsend compared to marriage? In any relationship you have the ability to be hurt, very badly emotionally whether marriage is involved or not. Rates for divorce are high, but so are those of breakups/unhappy relationships. Admittedly I don't know the numbers on the succes of poly relationships but hoestlY I feel they are the same as the rest. The success rates are changing because the people in them are changing. People arn't willing to work for relationships anymore, and without work no relationship can last...

 

[tendril]

Re: Zergplex Says

And the other options have just as bad rates of success as marriage ^_~

Other options exist but I can't understand why you see them as such a godsend compared to marriage? In any relationship you have the ability to be hurt, very badly emotionally whether marriage is involved or not. Rates for divorce are high, but so are those of breakups/unhappy relationships. Admittedly I don't know the numbers on the succes of poly relationships but hoestlY I feel they are the same as the rest. The success rates are changing because the people in them are changing. People arn't willing to work for relationships anymore, and without work no relationship can last...

I think divorce statistics aren't an accurate indication of marriage failures. They record only marriages that have been legally ended.

A marriage can be called successful because it hasn't ended in divorce, but whether or not the partners are actually happy in the union is a whole 'nother story.

 

[Zergplex]

Re: Re: Zergplex Says

I think divorce statistics aren't an accurate indication of marriage failures. They record only marriages that have been legally ended.

A marriage can be called successful because it hasn't ended in divorce, but whether or not the partners are actually happy in the union is a whole 'nother story.

I agree completely, but the same can be said of normal relationships, just because you havn't broken up doesn't mean your happy.

The only point I was making was that the increase in marraige failure is something that is happening across the board, all relationships are failing more often now. It's not simply marriage that is not working out, all relationships are failing for the same reasons. And those are reasons we can learn from to improve any of our relationships, marraige or otherwise.

-Zergplex

 

[tendril]

Re: Re: Re: Zergplex Says

I agree completely, but the same can be said of normal relationships, just because you havn't broken up doesn't mean your happy.

-Zergplex

By normal,,I assume you're referring to any partnership/union of two people not formalised by marriage?

If so, then I would disagree that those de facto unions contain as many unhappy couples as a similar sampling of married ones.

Seriously, if you're not married and are not happy in a relationship, why would you stay?

 

[Noor]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Zergplex Says

By normal,,I assume you're referring to any partnership/union of two people not formalised by marriage?

If so, then I would disagree that those de facto unions contain as many unhappy couples as a similar sampling of married ones.

Seriously, if you're not married and are not happy in a relationship, why would you stay?

Inertia? The same reason people continue in unhappy marriages? They would rather be in a relationship than not?

I think relationships and perhaps to some extent marriages are strengthened or destroyed by a series of challenges. When faced with a problem people can either face it together as a united front, disagree on the side or solution, or one of them can handle it and the other be in denial. I think denial is worse than disagreement because in denial you are opting out of responsibility in the relationship. However, I don't see how this is a problem specific to the number of partners in a relationship or in a persons life.

 

[SweetErika]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Zergplex Says

By normal,,I assume you're referring to any partnership/union of two people not formalised by marriage?

If so, then I would disagree that those de facto unions contain as many unhappy couples as a similar sampling of married ones.

Seriously, if you're not married and are not happy in a relationship, why would you stay?

I think people stay in unhappy unmarried relationships for many of the same reasons they stay in bad marriages. Examples:
-They're afraid of change
-financial issues
-fear of failure
-they have kids
-low self-esteem
-they think they can't do better
-family pressure
-it's easier
-they don't realize it's bad/ going bad
-they're delusional (they think it might work out)

 

[Noor]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Zergplex Says

I think people stay in unhappy unmarried relationships for many of the same reasons they stay in bad marriages. Examples:
-They're afraid of change
-financial issues
-fear of failure
-they have kids
-low self-esteem
-they think they can't do better
-family pressure
-it's easier
-they don't realize it's bad/ going bad
-they're delusional (they think it might work out)

and the evil you know is easier to accept than the evil you don't know?

 

[tendril]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Zergplex Says

I think people stay in unhappy unmarried relationships for many of the same reasons they stay in bad marriages. Examples:
-They're afraid of change
-financial issues
-fear of failure
-they have kids
-low self-esteem
-they think they can't do better
-family pressure
-it's easier
-they don't realize it's bad/ going bad
-they're delusional (they think it might work out)

I agree with all that.

I should have been more specific....I still feel that all things being equal , marriage, either good bad or indifferent will hold two people together for longer than any common law/de facto arrangement will.

Oh, and btw, preface all the above with IMHO