Ok, where to start.... I've been married for nearly 10 years and love my husband dearly. My husband would do anything for my sexual gratification, but there are things I don't think I can ask him to do. I want to be completely controlled and dominated sexually, problem is my husband is not controlling nor dominant. He is very kind, loving and attentive but I'm typically the dominant one in personality in general. When it comes to sex, I don't want to be in control. I know if I asked him to dominate me, tie me up, spank me etc he would try, but I'm not sure i could take it seriously since that's not really his demeanor and I'm not sure he would be able to pull it off well. I hate to admit, but I am not sexually satisfied. Not that he isn't a great lover, he is, but it's just not how I want it. I'm not sure what to do or how to address it. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation or have any advice on the topic? I've tried to satisfy my desires by reading, watching etc but it doesn't satisfy, only makes me want it more.
Marriage...bdsm...advice please
- Thread starter Ng1379
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CrimsonDom
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I was never the dominant type in the bed until my wife expressed that's what she wanted just talk to him and see what his thoughts are. Keep us posted aswell.
graceanne
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You have three options.
a) tell him what you need, and hope for the best. Consequences of this choice are either he'll turn out to be awesome at it, and you'll be sexually satisified, or he won't and things will remain as they are, but at least you communicated with your husband.
b) go somewhere else for your needs. this involves lying and cheating. consequences of this action could lead to divorce and are wrong, as you very likely promised not to cheat on him when you married him.
c) leave things as they are.
a) tell him what you need, and hope for the best. Consequences of this choice are either he'll turn out to be awesome at it, and you'll be sexually satisified, or he won't and things will remain as they are, but at least you communicated with your husband.
b) go somewhere else for your needs. this involves lying and cheating. consequences of this action could lead to divorce and are wrong, as you very likely promised not to cheat on him when you married him.
c) leave things as they are.
Going outside of my marriage for satisfaction is definitely not an option and never has been. I suppose another problem is that I have a hard time opening up about what I'd like sexually, I always have. I feel embarrassed by it and I'm not sure why as my husband is open and always wanting to try new things.
I just fear if I do tell him I'd like to try and it's a complete failure....well, it'll just suck. No other way to put it. And if it isn't something he's good at, but wants to continue to make me happy and I have to tell him he's no good at it...lol...oh lord. But I suppose it won't be any different than it is now, since I'm not getting what I'd like as it is. I guess I'm just going to need to put my big girl panties on and ask him to yank them off eh?
I just fear if I do tell him I'd like to try and it's a complete failure....well, it'll just suck. No other way to put it. And if it isn't something he's good at, but wants to continue to make me happy and I have to tell him he's no good at it...lol...oh lord. But I suppose it won't be any different than it is now, since I'm not getting what I'd like as it is. I guess I'm just going to need to put my big girl panties on and ask him to yank them off eh?
CrimsonDom
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Ng may I private message you to give you some pointers that helped my wife and now pet
graceanne
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Good. I have very little patience for people who cheat because they're not sexually satisfied in the bed, especially if they haven't even bothered to let their spouse know that they're not sexually satisfied.
Yes, it's sometimes hard to bring that sort of thing up. i'd suggest two things. Write a story and have him read it or wait until the room is dark. Sometimes it's easier to talk about stuff when it's dark and you can't see the person you're talking to.
Stella_Omega
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Believe me, I know how hard it is to tell a man how to do sex! It seems as if women talk about it in a foreign language... like it just sounds like gibberish to guys, it's frustrating.
Maybe the essay linked in my signature will help you out-- also the book list that is attached to it..
Maybe the essay linked in my signature will help you out-- also the book list that is attached to it..
Read your essay, interesting. Sounds to me that I could be a "bossy bottom." Which one of those books would you recommend for me? Or all of them?
Good. I have very little patience for people who cheat because they're not sexually satisfied in the bed, especially if they haven't even bothered to let their spouse know that they're not sexually satisfied.
Yes, it's sometimes hard to bring that sort of thing up. i'd suggest two things. Write a story and have him read it or wait until the room is dark. Sometimes it's easier to talk about stuff when it's dark and you can't see the person you're talking to.
I definitely think telling him in the dark would suit me. I really need to get over the embarrassment of talking about sex. He's actually away for work right now, and I've considered being a complete sissy and telling him via email...lol.
GuidingHand
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I think you will that the real difficulty in this exceedingly common situation lies in the emotional sensitivity of the male ego. Men grow up in our modern western culture hearing at every point about how they should never be forceful or dominant in any way in regards to women. Few guys make a living tilling the earth, hammering steel or wrangling alligators in favor of sitting in a metrosexual little scarf sipping lattes and working online. Men have very few ways left to feel like real, macho men and end up caught on a treadmill of being only supportive and friendly and sweet with their women, but failing to deliver the old fashion, take charge, caveman style take-what-you-want assertive energy that turns women on.
If you try to get him to change, it's very possible that he will feel hurt and interpret your comments and saying he's not good enough for you or not enough of a man. So the trick is to always use positive reinforcement for the small amount of time he does act in a masculine way. If he is even the tiniest bit rough, swoon and moan and compliment him. Stroke his ego. Work with what you've got. Don't throw out ideas and ask him to do it. But let him come to the conclusion by himself, thinking it is his idea. Men want to be resoected and seen as powerful and capable. A little operant conditioning goes a long way. Even though you want to be submissive and receptive, you may have to break out of your your shell and say things like "Oh fuck baby when you pressed me back and held my arms it made me so wet." This is like heroin to guys. They need some way to feel empowered in this metrosexual world.
If you try to get him to change, it's very possible that he will feel hurt and interpret your comments and saying he's not good enough for you or not enough of a man. So the trick is to always use positive reinforcement for the small amount of time he does act in a masculine way. If he is even the tiniest bit rough, swoon and moan and compliment him. Stroke his ego. Work with what you've got. Don't throw out ideas and ask him to do it. But let him come to the conclusion by himself, thinking it is his idea. Men want to be resoected and seen as powerful and capable. A little operant conditioning goes a long way. Even though you want to be submissive and receptive, you may have to break out of your your shell and say things like "Oh fuck baby when you pressed me back and held my arms it made me so wet." This is like heroin to guys. They need some way to feel empowered in this metrosexual world.
Kellydude666
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I too am in your situation, kinda to a certain point only I may have chose the wrong path, I don't know yet. Why not play it safe and ask him if you could bring a Dom into the equation but have your husband present for the sessions. Maybe the Dom can get you there but then your husband can finish you off, sex wise I mean. It may be exciting for your husband watching you under command from an outsider. I would use a professional Dom however.
ecstaticsub
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I take issue with b. Going somewhere else to get needs met does NOT always involve lying and cheating.
I would also like to add that just because someone goes outside of their marriage for another relationship does not mean that sex with their spouse is unsatisfying.
Sex with my kinky vanilla spouse is very satisfying but in a different way then sex with my Dominant. Sex and the relationships themselves are uniquely fulfilling.
For me it was not a matter of going elsewhere due to unmet needs...it was/is
a bonus addition to a already fantastic relationship.
To Ng1379 Perhaps you can get your needs met by bottoming to someone else but not having sex with them? You can involve your husband also. My husband tried topping me but it didn't work for either of us. I've been with my dominant for 8 years and it has only enhanced my marriage, not damaged it at all.
KoPilot
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You could write him an email, too. A lot of my early communication with S about sexual things was done over IM because I was nervous and learning how to communicate my needs and all that. Now we can talk freely in person and I don't get embarrassed anymore. :]
eastern sun
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What if you first started writing down your fantasies, telling them as stories to yourself. That can start to put your desires into words without the embarrassment that usually accompanies speaking them out loud.
Then, when you speak to your husband, you'll already have some language you can use to talk about what you like. Or, even easier . . . you can show him the stories you wrote and see what he thinks!
Then, when you speak to your husband, you'll already have some language you can use to talk about what you like. Or, even easier . . . you can show him the stories you wrote and see what he thinks!
desertslave
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If you are more writing-inclined than talking-inclined, how about a hand-written letter? I think it's much sexier than email.
The Loving Dominant is a very helpful book for starters.
I understand your dilemma. I always feel uncomfortable discussing my sexual wants/preferences with my husband as well. I craved submitting though and realized that it is a part of me I was not happy without. I was uncomfortable verbally saying it though so I began to do things like tie myself to the bed in wait for him in the dark. It was nerve racking but easier for me than sitting down and actually discussing. I was afraid he would think he was unsatisfying. We finally discussed it though and unfortunately he wasn't comfortable with taking on being dominant with me. It just isn't in his nature. So now I serve a dominant online and like mentioned in a previous post it has not damaged my marriage at all.
blulilacgrl
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Thank you for this, Ecstaticsub. I was about to make the same comment. Sometimes the best thing to do is to accept your partner and talk to them about ways for you to get this one specific need met. I think people will be surprised at what a spouse will agree to
I was in the same boat as well. long story short, I destroyed my marriage by cheating with two dominant men. It wasn't until I came here and looked at some of the pictures of men having their equipment tortured that it finally hit me. My husband could no more cane me until my butt was covered in deep purple bruises and use a riding crop on my pussy until he drew blood than I could do hurt his cock and balls. So, I understood that what I wanted would have been the same as him asking me to kick him in the balls and step on his penis with a spiked heel. I wouldn't have understood it, I would find it repulsive and I would wonder about his mental health.
Now I realize that you are not looking for anything that extreme, but we have feminized our men so much that the best we can hope for is that the 50% of our male population is to be "equal partners". 40% are so cow towed they will head into their relationships looking for the woman to be the boss. The remaining 10% will b reviled, yet subconsciously desired by most younger women.
I would say open the lines of communication. You may very well be one of the lucky few that succeeds in bringing out your husbands inner-Dom. Good luck and please keep us posted. There are a lot of women here hoping you succeed.
IrisAlthea
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Ng1379, I don't know how you came to the conclusion that you want to be completely controlled and dominated sexually but perhaps you could start out with just telling him that you want to try some new things that you heard or read about.
And I want to point out that not everyone shares this view of the world.I was in the same boat as well. long story short, I destroyed my marriage by cheating with two dominant men. It wasn't until I came here and looked at some of the pictures of men having their equipment tortured that it finally hit me. My husband could no more cane me until my butt was covered in deep purple bruises and use a riding crop on my pussy until he drew blood than I could do hurt his cock and balls. So, I understood that what I wanted would have been the same as him asking me to kick him in the balls and step on his penis with a spiked heel. I wouldn't have understood it, I would find it repulsive and I would wonder about his mental health.
Now I realize that you are not looking for anything that extreme, but we have feminized our men so much that the best we can hope for is that the 50% of our male population is to be "equal partners". 40% are so cow towed they will head into their relationships looking for the woman to be the boss. The remaining 10% will b reviled, yet subconsciously desired by most younger women.
I would say open the lines of communication. You may very well be one of the lucky few that succeeds in bringing out your husbands inner-Dom. Good luck and please keep us posted. There are a lot of women here hoping you succeed.
I'm sorry, where did I say I was speaking for everyone?
It is hard when you have desires and your partner doesn't, but from personal experience it may not be as dismal as you think. One of the problems a non kinky spouse has to get around is the image that what you want,to be dominated and used, is abusive and hurtful, to them it is like being asked to beat up and hurt the one they love, they just don't have context for it. I remember trying to explain this to my sweetie, who became my top/domme, and tried to use the analogy that pain is stubbing your toe at 2am on a piece of furniture going to the bathroom, and that isn't what this about (and oddly, seemed to work). More importantly, it is getting across that to you this isn't abuse or pain, but rather, it is basically an enhanced form of love/sex, with a different dynamic (not saying use those words, you have to find your own).
It is hard, because if it is anything like I went through, it is expecting to be seen as a freak or seen as weird or whatever, and when you have a loving, kind spouse, it is hard,because it seems like how the fuck can I ask this nice guy who will go out in a snowstorm to get ingredients for my favorite snack, a sardine and pickle and peanut butter sandwich *lol*...seriously, when we got into this together we had a young baby, and it was like weird, this kind, gentle mom who was taking care of this beautiful kid, could be the person I was expecting to tie me up and flog me or put needles in me or whatever...but it worked, and actually, the fierce domme was a nice change for her form the kind mommy. My spouse is a kind, sweet person, who hates violent movies, hates violence, has trouble disciplining our animals (hence our dogs are all bad dogs, our cats, well, cats, you get the drift)....yet scared the hell out of some serious scene people when she got going, so ya never know.
One piece of advice? Find a sexual counselor who is scene friendly/positive, it can make a big difference, there are list of people out there who are scene friendly, and it can be valuable for both you and your husband, to learn how to talk about needs/desires and work out ways to do it that work for both of you..and stop some of the stupid mistakes I made, like comparing our play to what I had done professionally (stupid), or forgetting that submission is a two way street, not you do me and I'll enjoy it.
As far as going outside, that is a possibility, but if you are going to do that, I would recommend working with a counselor to have your hubby be in on the deal, to negotiate it, I have seen more then a few marriages go south, some bd/sm, some other things (bi desires, for example) when it was unilateral.
Like I said, I can't praise working with a scene friendly counselor enough, not just for the bd/sm stuff, but to open up in general and be able to talk about it.
It is hard, because if it is anything like I went through, it is expecting to be seen as a freak or seen as weird or whatever, and when you have a loving, kind spouse, it is hard,because it seems like how the fuck can I ask this nice guy who will go out in a snowstorm to get ingredients for my favorite snack, a sardine and pickle and peanut butter sandwich *lol*...seriously, when we got into this together we had a young baby, and it was like weird, this kind, gentle mom who was taking care of this beautiful kid, could be the person I was expecting to tie me up and flog me or put needles in me or whatever...but it worked, and actually, the fierce domme was a nice change for her form the kind mommy
. My spouse is a kind, sweet person, who hates violent movies, hates violence, has trouble disciplining our animals (hence our dogs are all bad dogs, our cats, well, cats, you get the drift)....yet scared the hell out of some serious scene people when she got going, so ya never know.One piece of advice? Find a sexual counselor who is scene friendly/positive, it can make a big difference, there are list of people out there who are scene friendly, and it can be valuable for both you and your husband, to learn how to talk about needs/desires and work out ways to do it that work for both of you..and stop some of the stupid mistakes I made, like comparing our play to what I had done professionally (stupid), or forgetting that submission is a two way street, not you do me and I'll enjoy it
. As far as going outside, that is a possibility, but if you are going to do that, I would recommend working with a counselor to have your hubby be in on the deal, to negotiate it, I have seen more then a few marriages go south, some bd/sm, some other things (bi desires, for example) when it was unilateral.
Like I said, I can't praise working with a scene friendly counselor enough, not just for the bd/sm stuff, but to open up in general and be able to talk about it.
2981notrohrm
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He could surprise you. My suggestion, if you can't just throw your cards out on the table at once, is to try gradually introducing new things. My wife, a woman I always saw as prudish and vanilla when we first got married, now lets me choke her, smother her, spank her, and tie her up, and she loves every bit of it.
IrisAlthea
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You didn't.
Dyslexicea
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The world according to Rush Limbaugh and I'm a feminazi too! Bullshit women have not turned men into shriveling little pussies.
Being dominate or submissive as we seek it in BDSM has nothing to do with what gender someone happens to be nor does it have to do with normal, we are not normal. We're not NORMAL when compared to rest of them(the world) and I dare say when it comes to NORMAL I'm a lot more not normal than you are. I like being who I am, I like being NOT NORMAL. But the fact there are not many men who can be Dominant, D/s Dominant, has nothing to do with feminizing men.
