Make me smile...?

[airblade]

LMAO! Funny every time I hear it. My tattoo artist actually had to give that tat...

This one never gets old either:

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided
to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends
encouraged me. My girlfriend ? She was a dream! There was only one
thing bothering me. That one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight
miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when
near me, and I got many a pleasant view. It had to be deliberate.
She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to
me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires
for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to
overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once
before I got married and commit my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going
upstairs to my bedroom, & if you want to go ahead with it just come
up and get me.

"I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go upstairs.
When she reached the top, she pulled down her clothes & threw them
down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment,then turned & went straight to the front
door.I opened the door & stepped out of the house & walked straight
toward my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With
tears in his eyes he hugged me and said,"We are very happy that you
have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for
our daughter.
"Welcome to the family!"


The moral of this story is : Always keep your condoms in your car.

 

[SJZ76]

made me literally laugh out loud....

 

[airblade]

made me literally laugh out loud....

Had enough ?

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?" The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner. After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart.
Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?" The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?"

 

[SJZ76]

nope... not enough. Heart is still aching. More, more, more!

 

[airblade]

nope... not enough. Heart is still aching. More, more, more!

There were 3 girls on a plane thats about to crash.

The American girl puts on her makeup, "Rescuers will save a beautiful girl first" she said.

French girl opens her bra,"Rescuers will save a girl with beautiful tits."

The African removes her knickers and says "Fuck off, they all ways look for the black box first."

 

[SJZ76]

He's on an airplane right now. (sob!)

 

[airblade]

He's on an airplane right now. (sob!)

The Lie Detector Robot
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector. Now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments," answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair. Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

 

[cfuhrer]

He's on an airplane right now. (sob!)

Oh no! Don't cry.
*Runs out of room and pushes is large table with rods sticking up straight*
*Leaves again come back with large stack of dinner plates*
I shall now perform my famous plate spinning act!
*hums "The Sabre Dance" and starts spinning*

 

[SJZ76]

lol! Oh, C... just more hugs, please!

 

[jnibroc88]

A famous heart doctor goes to give a lecture to a group of physicians from out of town. As he going to the auditorium there he says to his driver, “Ya know Jim, I really feel like the crap today, I wish I could get out of giving this lecture and just sit and rest.”

Now Jim had been this doctor’s chauffeur for 10 years, and he had a great relationship with the doctor. He say, “Hey doc… I could give the lecture for you.”

The doctor chuckles and says, “Jim, I like you and everything and you’re a great guy, but in all honesty, you don’t really know about what I do.”

Jim responds, “You’re right, but I’ve been watching you give this lecture for the last ten years, I have the thing memorized: I could give it in my sleep! Plus, the doctors coming today are all from out of town, they have no idea what you look like, so they would have no idea I wasn’t you.”

The doctor really feels like shit, so he sits back, thinks for a second, and says, “What the hell, I trust you, let’s do it.” So they pull over to the side of the road, change outfits, and the doctor drives the rest of the way to the lecture hall.

When they get there, a hundred prominent heart surgeons are sitting in the auditorium, waiting for the lecture to start. The driver walks up to the podium in the front, and the doctor sits in the back with the driver’s hat on and looks around the room and thinks, “Oh god, what have it done! All of these doctors are famous and could squash my career if this lecture goes badly.” The driver gets to the podium, coughs, looks around the room… and proceeds to give the lecture absolutely PERFECTLY! He hits every major point in the lecture, talks with eloquence and grace, and in general, gives the talk even better than the doctor ever did.

The doctor breathes a huge sigh of relief and then lays back in his chair and relaxes for the rest of the lecture. But then, as the lecture finishes and the lights go back up, a lump catches in the doctor’s throat as he realizes one thing: he had scheduled this lecture with a question and answer session afterwards!

Among the visiting doctors, a couple of hands go up, and the doctor looks on in horror as the driver picks the hand of the most prominent heart surgeon in the entire country. He proceeds to ask the most complicated, detailed, mind-bogglingly complex question the doctor had ever heard after any lecture ever, and the room goes silent to see the how the famous heart doctor will respond.

The driver looks down and is silent for a moment. The doctor sitting in the back is petrified with fear; he knows there is absolutely no way the driver could possibly know the answer to this question: his career as a lecturer is over!

And then the driver looks at the surgeon that asked the question, points to the back of the room, and says, “Sir, That question is so ridiculously easy, I’m going to let my driver answer it.”

 

[call_me_Melody]

How about this???

http://abovethelaw.com/_old/funny-pictures-happy-recharge-grey-kitten.jpg

 

[mickyp123]

made me literally laugh out loud....

having to laugh quietly can be wicked

 

[SJZ76]

How about this???

http://abovethelaw.com/_old/funny-pictures-happy-recharge-grey-kitten.jpg

kitties make me happy! Thank you, babe

 

[cfuhrer]

having to laugh quietly can be wicked

I had a wicked thought about other things done quietly but that's not the point of the thread.

Three girls were running from the county sheriff and sought refuge in an old barn. The deputy burst through the door just as all three found hiding places under piles of burlap sacks.

The deputy, noting the sacks were moving, walked up and nudged each with the toe of his boot.

The red head in the first pile of sacks made her best meow. The deputy was satisfied there was a cat underneath the pile and moved on.

The brunette in the second pile barked to the best of her ability. The deputy was satisfied there was a dog underneath the pile and moved on.

Upon reaching the third pile of burlap the deputy reached out and nudged the pile with the toe of his boot. The blonde having wracked her brain, finally opened her mouth and said...




"potatoes".

 

[SJZ76]

C - you're silly! But wicked thoughts work too!

 

[mickyp123]

I had a wicked thought about other things done quietly but that's not the point of the thread.

Three girls were running from the county sheriff and sought refuge in an old barn. The deputy burst through the door just as all three found hiding places under piles of burlap sacks.

The deputy, noting the sacks were moving, walked up and nudged each with the toe of his boot.

The red head in the first pile of sacks made her best meow. The deputy was satisfied there was a cat underneath the pile and moved on.

The brunette in the second pile barked to the best of her ability. The deputy was satisfied there was a dog underneath the pile and moved on.

Upon reaching the third pile of burlap the deputy reached out and nudged the pile with the toe of his boot. The blonde having wracked her brain, finally opened her mouth and said...




"potatoes".

I had a wicked thought about other things done quietly but that's not the point of the thread.

You are right its not lol, but those situations are cool

 

[mickyp123]

An irish couple in a car behind the "Bobbits" car when she threw her husbands cock out the window.

as it hits the windscreen one say's to the other "be jesus, did ya see da size of the dick on dat fly"

 

[SJZ76]

silly boy! Thanks for the repeated cheering efforts!

 

[mickyp123]

silly boy! Thanks for the repeated cheering efforts!

ur welcome

 

[SJZ76]

got any dragon hugs for me today?

 

[m_storyman_x]

got any dragon hugs for me today?

I got some kind of hugs for you sweetie, but they aint dragon, although they may drag on.

 

[jnibroc88]

A famous heart doctor goes to give a lecture to a group of physicians from out of town. As he going to the auditorium there he says to his driver, “Ya know Jim, I really feel like the crap today, I wish I could get out of giving this lecture and just sit and rest.”

Now Jim had been this doctor’s chauffeur for 10 years, and he had a great relationship with the doctor. He say, “Hey doc… I could give the lecture for you.”

The doctor chuckles and says, “Jim, I like you and everything and you’re a great guy, but in all honesty, you don’t really know about what I do.”

Jim responds, “You’re right, but I’ve been watching you give this lecture for the last ten years, I have the thing memorized: I could give it in my sleep! Plus, the doctors coming today are all from out of town, they have no idea what you look like, so they would have no idea I wasn’t you.”

The doctor really feels like shit, so he sits back, thinks for a second, and says, “What the hell, I trust you, let’s do it.” So they pull over to the side of the road, change outfits, and the doctor drives the rest of the way to the lecture hall.

When they get there, a hundred prominent heart surgeons are sitting in the auditorium, waiting for the lecture to start. The driver walks up to the podium in the front, and the doctor sits in the back with the driver’s hat on and looks around the room and thinks, “Oh god, what have it done! All of these doctors are famous and could squash my career if this lecture goes badly.” The driver gets to the podium, coughs, looks around the room… and proceeds to give the lecture absolutely PERFECTLY! He hits every major point in the lecture, talks with eloquence and grace, and in general, gives the talk even better than the doctor ever did.

The doctor breathes a huge sigh of relief and then lays back in his chair and relaxes for the rest of the lecture. But then, as the lecture finishes and the lights go back up, a lump catches in the doctor’s throat as he realizes one thing: he had scheduled this lecture with a question and answer session afterwards!

Among the visiting doctors, a couple of hands go up, and the doctor looks on in horror as the driver picks the hand of the most prominent heart surgeon in the entire country. He proceeds to ask the most complicated, detailed, mind-bogglingly complex question the doctor had ever heard after any lecture ever, and the room goes silent to see the how the famous heart doctor will respond.

The driver looks down and is silent for a moment. The doctor sitting in the back is petrified with fear; he knows there is absolutely no way the driver could possibly know the answer to this question: his career as a lecturer is over!

And then the driver looks at the surgeon that asked the question, points to the back of the room, and says, “Sir, That question is so ridiculously easy, I’m going to let my driver answer it.”

Yeah Jnibroc88, that joke sucked.

 

[SJZ76]

Yeah Jnibroc88, that joke sucked.

Ha - Corbin... It didn't suck. I laughed, cross my heart!

 

[jnibroc88]

Ha - Corbin... It didn't suck. I laughed, cross my heart!

I don't want to say it, but hope to die?

 

[SJZ76]

....and stick a needle in my eye!
(Always hated that part! eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew!)