Make me smile...?
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bbqribs68
Literotica Guru
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So. what's a nice girl like you, doing in a place like this?
Two blonds walk into a bar. You'd have thought at least one of them would've seen it!
A guy walks into a bar with a ship's steering wheel attached to the crotch of his pants. The bartender asks if he knows that it's there, and the guy says (with a pirate's accent) "Yeah, I do, and it's drivin' me nuts!"
Any smiles yet?
Hope your day gets better soon!! Big hugs!!!
bbqribs68
Literotica Guru
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I have some "He said, she said" cute ones....
He said, "Ever since I met you I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way!"
She said, "Trust me...you just did!"
Awww, snap! I can't remember the other ones....dang, and I can't find the paper I had them written on. Sorry....
m_storyman_x
Living life to its limit!
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You lay down and close your eyes, willing the day to slide away and leave you alone.
You startle when you feel the touch, soft and warm on your leg. Your eyes fly open and you force them to close again, knowing who it had to be. You let his kisses slowly walk up your leg, over your shorts and to the bare strip of skin between your shorts and shirt. You feel his warm gentle kisses, slowly working back and forth as the shirt is pulled up, inch by inch. You feel the troubles of the day melt away as they are replaced with desire. You want to rush him, tell him to go faster, to reach your nipples, which are already growing hard and puckered. But you wait, and he teases his way inch by inch up the bottoms of your breasts as they are slowly bared by the moving material. His warm lips work across each breast, loving them, worshiping them, teasing them. You feel his hot breath now on your nipples and the sudden appearance of his fingers slipping into the leg of your shorts. You want to pull his head down hard to you, your desire builds in you as he blows across your nipple. You feel his fingers find your wet folds, teasing their way inside, spreading your lips and your moisture. Finally the problems of the day slip into oblivion as his lips close around your nipple and his finger strokes across your hard clit. Your body shudders as the first twinkle of orgasm catches you. The cares of the day are completely forgotten as the teasing finger drives you over the edge, your body jerking in pleasure that only your beloved knows how to provide.
You startle when you feel the touch, soft and warm on your leg. Your eyes fly open and you force them to close again, knowing who it had to be. You let his kisses slowly walk up your leg, over your shorts and to the bare strip of skin between your shorts and shirt. You feel his warm gentle kisses, slowly working back and forth as the shirt is pulled up, inch by inch. You feel the troubles of the day melt away as they are replaced with desire. You want to rush him, tell him to go faster, to reach your nipples, which are already growing hard and puckered. But you wait, and he teases his way inch by inch up the bottoms of your breasts as they are slowly bared by the moving material. His warm lips work across each breast, loving them, worshiping them, teasing them. You feel his hot breath now on your nipples and the sudden appearance of his fingers slipping into the leg of your shorts. You want to pull his head down hard to you, your desire builds in you as he blows across your nipple. You feel his fingers find your wet folds, teasing their way inside, spreading your lips and your moisture. Finally the problems of the day slip into oblivion as his lips close around your nipple and his finger strokes across your hard clit. Your body shudders as the first twinkle of orgasm catches you. The cares of the day are completely forgotten as the teasing finger drives you over the edge, your body jerking in pleasure that only your beloved knows how to provide.
border_humper
yeah it's a dumb username
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Ok, I'm recycling this joke, but what can I say.
Rumor in the pasture was that the rancher in charge was getting a new bull.
His three current bulls were discussing this pending event.
"I've been here for five years and have earned my keep. I service 100 cows and won't be giving any up to some new comer." Boasts bull one.
"Well, sir, I've been here for three years and have 30 cows to keep happy. I'm doing a good job and don't need any help from outsiders." Says bull two.
Bull three chimes in, "Well, even though I'm the youngest, you have allowed me my 10 cows and I'm not gonna give any of that up now!"
About that time, up pulls an 18-wheeler, and off thunders the biggest, meanest, strongest bull the three had ever seen.
"Well, maybe 100 cows are too many. I'm getting along in years and could use some help. He can have 50 of my cows." Says bull one.
"I'm still young and want to fool around a bit. 50 cows are not worth dying over. He can have 20 of my cows." Agrees bull two.
Bull three lowers his head, starts snorting and pawing the earth like a wild demon. Bull two looks at him and says, "Are you crazy, he'll kill you and take your cows!"
"Heck, he can HAVE my cows," replies bull three, "I just want to make sure he knows that I'M A BULL!"
Ok, I agree it is a lame joke.
bbqribs68
Literotica Guru
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Ok, I'm recycling this joke, but what can I say.
Rumor in the pasture was that the rancher in charge was getting a new bull.
His three current bulls were discussing this pending event.
"I've been here for five years and have earned my keep. I service 100 cows and won't be giving any up to some new comer." Boasts bull one.
"Well, sir, I've been here for three years and have 30 cows to keep happy. I'm doing a good job and don't need any help from outsiders." Says bull two.
Bull three chimes in, "Well, even though I'm the youngest, you have allowed me my 10 cows and I'm not gonna give any of that up now!"
About that time, up pulls an 18-wheeler, and off thunders the biggest, meanest, strongest bull the three had ever seen.
"Well, maybe 100 cows are too many. I'm getting along in years and could use some help. He can have 50 of my cows." Says bull one.
"I'm still young and want to fool around a bit. 50 cows are not worth dying over. He can have 20 of my cows." Agrees bull two.
Bull three lowers his head, starts snorting and pawing the earth like a wild demon. Bull two looks at him and says, "Are you crazy, he'll kill you and take your cows!"
"Heck, he can HAVE my cows," replies bull three, "I just want to make sure he knows that I'M A BULL!"
Ok, I agree it is a lame joke.
LMAO......I'd never heard that one....frickin' funny!
border_humper
yeah it's a dumb username
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Well, since you are from Utah, did you know that in Utah..
-It is against the law to fish from horseback.
-It is illegal not to drink milk.
-It is illegal to detonate any nuclear weapon. You can have them, but you just can't detonate them.
-Birds have the right of way on all highways.
-A husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife while she is in his presence.
-You're not allowed to sell beverages containing more than 3.2% alcohol.
-It's legal for restaurants to serve wine with meals, but only if you ask for the wine list.
-It is considered an offense to hunt whales.
And in SLC, no one may walk down the street carrying a paper bag containing a violin.
So be sure to buy a proper case for your violin if you own one!
-It is against the law to fish from horseback.
-It is illegal not to drink milk.
-It is illegal to detonate any nuclear weapon. You can have them, but you just can't detonate them.
-Birds have the right of way on all highways.
-A husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife while she is in his presence.
-You're not allowed to sell beverages containing more than 3.2% alcohol.
-It's legal for restaurants to serve wine with meals, but only if you ask for the wine list.
-It is considered an offense to hunt whales.
And in SLC, no one may walk down the street carrying a paper bag containing a violin.
So be sure to buy a proper case for your violin if you own one!
mickyp123
JBQ's Dragon. Always
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a brunette, redhead and a blonde get into a lift, on the lift wall is a stain,
the brunette says "that looks like spunk"
the redhead smells it and say's it smells like spunk.
the blonde licks it and say's
"Well it's nobody from our office"
m_storyman_x
Living life to its limit!
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roflmao
cfuhrer
whiskey in a tea cup
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Well, I dont know about anyone else but my day is improved.
Let's see... a joke.
Two blondes decide to start a cattle ranch. They bought the land and the cows, leaving them in need of bull. They did some research and found a bull that looked promising, but he was clear across the country. They decided one would take the train out and look at the bull and if he was a good choice contact the other to come pick them up.
Blonde one travels out, looks at the bull and decides to purchase him. Seeing that she is runnig short of funds she heads to the telegraph office. She instructs the telegraph operator to send one word "comfortable". The telegraph operator asked the blonde how in the heck her friend was going to make any sense of that one word.
The blonde tells the telegraph operator that her friend is blonde and reads slowly and would read "comfortable" as "come for da bull"
I think the blonde who sent the telegraph must have been abottle blonde cuz she sure thinks like a brunette.
*Please forgive the spelling. Im posting from the super phone so I don't always catch my mistakes.*
m_storyman_x
Living life to its limit!
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I'm glad i could boost someones day! I'm still trying to drag mine out of the doldrums today.
cfuhrer
whiskey in a tea cup
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Well, this is the right thread to be in, eh?
Hope your day improves.
*kisses cheek*
m_storyman_x
Living life to its limit!
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Thanks sweetie. I hope so too. Could really stand someone to chat sexy with. that usually helps.
cfuhrer
whiskey in a tea cup
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Im sure you'll think of someone who will fit that bill.
m_storyman_x
Living life to its limit!
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Haven't seen anyone offering, which hasnt done much to improve the day.
There are days and then there are days....today could use a reset switch. hell the whole week could stand a reset switch!
cfuhrer
whiskey in a tea cup
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You don't strike me as the wall flower type.
Joke to avoid an outright hijack:
What do you call cheese that isnt yours?
Nacho cheese!
cfuhrer
whiskey in a tea cup
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Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange ya glad you came to Lit for a pick-me-up?
Know we have to turn our atteton to m-storyman-x and work on lifting his spirits.
*rumages thru trunk for baloons to make animals*
Macdaddy23
Literotica Guru
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I got out of the passengers side of the car once. I went around the car fast and a family member driving the car opens the door, flips me over the car door. I do a complete flip in the air and land on my feet. It just knocked the wind out of me and how I landed on my feet I'll never know.
yogiforlife
Fidelis ad Mortem
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Sorry to hear you're having a horrible day, can't think of any good jokes, so I'll just leave you with a 
HarderThanARock
Really Experienced
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Wow it has just been a bad week for everyone I talk to, myself included.
This always makes me smile:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TDch761krEw
This always makes me smile:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TDch761krEw
SJZ76
Literotica Guru
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Kisses always help. Thanks, handsome!Sorry to hear you're having a horrible day, can't think of any good jokes, so I'll just leave you with a
mickyp123
JBQ's Dragon. Always
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SJZ76
Literotica Guru
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You say that like it's a bad thing?easily pleased
