love in D/S versus love in Vanilla

[rick_j21]

Okay so to setup my question let me state for the record that I am a 22 yearold submissive male with real life D/s experience. My question is how does one, or how did you personally, find love in D/s? In a vanilla world we look for partners that match or meet certain criteria and are in some way our match or our mate on an intellectual and emotional way and not so much on a sexual way. Of course chemistry and attraction comes into this. My thoughts are how does this convert over to the D/s relationship? I know that I am young and naive so I want to ask people who have real life experiences and have advice I can value from reading. In my experience in D/s we look for play partners who share similar fantasies and fetishes. For example some male subs look for Female Dommes who are into force feminization or into cbt. I understand how to look for people who are "stable", but is it more important to look for someone you can have a relationship with or is it more important to look for someone who shares your sexual interests. My sexuality is only a part of what makes me me. Also if your in a D/s relationship and you love your partner could you explain to me or better yet share with me your experiences and whether you looked for a play partner in the beginning and fell in love with the partner or if you looked for a partner whom you could have a relationship with and just hoped you had similiar D/s desires.

 

[magdalene]

I don't think it's either/or

I'll admit to being a newbie, but can't you look for someone who shares your sexual interests AND is compatible in other ways as well? I would suggest doing that in vanilla or D/s relationships.

Magdalene

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

Re: I don't think it's either/or

I'll admit to being a newbie, but can't you look for someone who shares your sexual interests AND is compatible in other ways as well? I would suggest doing that in vanilla or D/s relationships.

Magdalene

I'm with you...your emotional needs are the same, D/s or vanilla.

 

[Netzach]

I look for compatible people with whom there's some HOPE of sexual overlap. I also find myself much happier in poly and open relationships, and have a much better chance of success in them, that's AS important as any SM interest, to me.

My fiance is not into every last thing that I am and vice versa, but there's enough mutual click that we have not run out of scene ideas to date.

I can't say whether I fell in love with the sub or the man first, because I don't think I would have gotten there were he not a sub, it's a non-negotiable for me.

 

[AvaAdore]

i think it's as in all relationships: if you find someone you really click with, you are very lucky.

 

[catalina_francisco]

For myself, after many relationships which though good, did not give me all I needed, I decided to be greedy and go all out for the ultimate...love and D/s. I approached it with determination and a clear idea of what I did and didn't need in a partner to make it even come close to being a possibility. I made a point of not wasting time getting involved with those who did not fit with what I was looking for, and I moved on from those who though a good match were not the one who rang all my bells at once. Some thought that was wrong of me, but I did not want to 'change' someone to fit my soul, I wanted someone who did. To do otherwise is usually asking for heartache and a need to begin all over again further down the track, and a lot more shellshocked and gunshy.

I met many wonderful men in my search, made some good friends I still communicate with, learnt a lot about defining my needs even further, and gained some valuable experiences. It was not always a bouquet of roses, but was necessary to find the one. I also did not try to limit myself geographically, though I knew it would be difficult long distance, as I felt that was perhaps doing myself a disservice in thinking the Master of my dreams just had to be on my doorstep because it would make my life so much easier.....nice fantasy, but often not reality.

I am pleased I hung in there when times got difficult and I felt it was all leading nowhere fast. I now live with Master 24/7 as both slave and wife, and each day we are together is a blessing we both still find ourselves overwhelmed by even after more than a year of marriage. We both were looking for someone who had similar needs to ourselves as well as that indefinable something that send chills up the spine to let you know this person is not just anyone. Added to that, though both of us were seeking a long term relationship, we were both far from impressed with the idea of marriage....sheeesh that changed quicker than either of us were expecting!!

I emailed a friend the day I received my first email from Master and told her, somewhat both excited and afraid, that for some reason I thought I might have just heard from the man who would own me. I could not tell her or anyone why, it was just an inner knowledge, a recognition of souls. He also had nearly not responded to my advert because of the distance (16,000kms), but felt compelled to see why he was so attracted to the thought. I am so blessed he did. We met 4 months after that first contact, and married 2 weeks after meeting, and find each day it just gets better when we thought it was not possible to improve on bliss.

I know many frown on online relationships, but if you use your head and heart to guide you, know who you are and who you want, it is a great way to meet far more people than going to the local bar and hoping the love of your life, whip in hand, just happens to wander in.

Catalina

 

[willowthwisp]

I know many frown on online relationships, but if you use your head and heart to guide you, know who you are and who you want, it is a great way to meet far more people than going to the local bar and hoping the love of your life, whip in hand, just happens to wander in.

Catalina

Catalina, you are so very clear and were, to find your Master. I have always held to the belief that you get what you ask for. I stand witness to that outcome for you as well as myself. It can seem a whole heap of trouble when you don't know what it is you're asking for! When you do, it seems anything is possible! That magic combination of facing the truth of what you really want and having the courage to ask for it!
I found bdsm in love, trust and a desire to be honest with myself and my needs and desires. Both love and bdsm can bite and both can take you to amazing new horizons. What wrong is there in asking for both! For me, a BDSM relationship cannot exist without love, and visa versa. The two feed and compliment each other so well.

 

[ethereal~minx]

For myself, after many relationships which though good, did not give me all I needed, I decided to be greedy and go all out for the ultimate...love and D/s. I approached it with determination and a clear idea of what I did and didn't need in a partner to make it even come close to being a possibility. I made a point of not wasting time getting involved with those who did not fit with what I was looking for, and I moved on from those who though a good match were not the one who rang all my bells at once. Some thought that was wrong of me, but I did not want to 'change' someone to fit my soul, I wanted someone who did. To do otherwise is usually asking for heartache and a need to begin all over again further down the track, and a lot more shellshocked and gunshy.

I met many wonderful men in my search, made some good friends I still communicate with, learnt a lot about defining my needs even further, and gained some valuable experiences. It was not always a bouquet of roses, but was necessary to find the one. I also did not try to limit myself geographically, though I knew it would be difficult long distance, as I felt that was perhaps doing myself a disservice in thinking the Master of my dreams just had to be on my doorstep because it would make my life so much easier.....nice fantasy, but often not reality.

I am pleased I hung in there when times got difficult and I felt it was all leading nowhere fast. I now live with Master 24/7 as both slave and wife, and each day we are together is a blessing we both still find ourselves overwhelmed by even after more than a year of marriage. We both were looking for someone who had similar needs to ourselves as well as that indefinable something that send chills up the spine to let you know this person is not just anyone. Added to that, though both of us were seeking a long term relationship, we were both far from impressed with the idea of marriage....sheeesh that changed quicker than either of us were expecting!!

I emailed a friend the day I received my first email from Master and told her, somewhat both excited and afraid, that for some reason I thought I might have just heard from the man who would own me. I could not tell her or anyone why, it was just an inner knowledge, a recognition of souls. He also had nearly not responded to my advert because of the distance (16,000kms), but felt compelled to see why he was so attracted to the thought. I am so blessed he did. We met 4 months after that first contact, and married 2 weeks after meeting, and find each day it just gets better when we thought it was not possible to improve on bliss.

I know many frown on online relationships, but if you use your head and heart to guide you, know who you are and who you want, it is a great way to meet far more people than going to the local bar and hoping the love of your life, whip in hand, just happens to wander in.

Catalina

OMG! this gave me angel bumps and tears Catalina~~ I wish I could say more right now...

 

[Etoile]

For myself, the D/s component would be just another part of the criteria for the "does this match work" question. I'm not sure the weight it would have, but it's just another thing to consider when evaluating a person as a potential mate.

 

[rick_j21]

I just want to thank you all for your comments. I read through each of them and I think I learned at least one thing from each of you. I admire you all. This is why the forum works because the serious answers do generally at the very least provoke thought. Ah well I know what I want in my search but finding the woman thats the tough part.

 

[BrightFlower]

For myself, the D/s component would be just another part of the criteria for the "does this match work" question. I'm not sure the weight it would have, but it's just another thing to consider when evaluating a person as a potential mate.

I couldn't agree more. D/s would be just another aspect of myself, such as the color of my hair, or the way I like my coffee. It's just part of who I am.

 

[Madame Manga]

I know many frown on online relationships, but if you use your head and heart to guide you, know who you are and who you want, it is a great way to meet far more people than going to the local bar and hoping the love of your life, whip in hand, just happens to wander in.

Catalina

I think that the internet, properly used, can utterly transform all the established parameters of looking for a mate. This hasn't really sunk into the culture yet, of course--it is probably only in some selective circles, such as this one, that it is being used in a full-throttle manner to sort through the entire world of prospects instead of confining the seeker to a ten-mile radius from home. Probably face-to-face is always going to be the predominate method of seuxal selection, considering our animal nature, but it doesn't have to be, if you choose to explore all the paths open to you.

MM

 

[ownedsubgal]

D/s for me isn't a sexual thing, it's who i am. a submissive is who i am in and out of the bedroom. so, any man i could possibly fall in love with and connect with romantically, would naturally compliment who i am...he'd be Dom to my sub. sexual interests are something completely outside of that. but i don't believe in "looking" for a mate anyway...love happens when it happens. just live.

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

love happens when it happens. just live.

That should be embroidered on a pillow somewhere. Maybe a line of refridgerator magnets?

I wasn't looking for for "the one" when Sir and I met. I was truly content to find a play partner, and that was what I was seeking. Little did I know, that we'd end up where we are today. We met, and got to know each other over a period of months, and had shared common interests outside of BDSM as well as in it. It keeps life interesting. Love grew. We live our lives.

~anelize

 

[AvaAdore]

love happens when it happens. just live.

i agree exactly!

 

[Netzach]

That is, indeed, inspirational.

Sometimes it even happens when you are not looking, just to piss you off if you think you can Dom it completely.

 

[Megafurvert]

well rick it seems to me that you have a wonderful head on your shoulders and a wonderful future as a very lucky Mistress' little boy...... just to let you know i too am a 22 year old submissive male and i have real life D/s experience (even before my current Mistress)..... i am very much in love w/ M'lady and could think of no other way to live than in the warmth of her embrace!!! We meet here on Lit and started emailing each other as friends.... after a short time we started instant messaging and from there we went on to phone calls. once we decided to try our hand at a relationship we had a VERY lengthy discussion about our likes and dislikes, does and don'ts, wills and won'ts..... needless to say we covered EVERYTHING!! what i'm trying to say is that we did a little of both methods (partner and playmate) we came togther becuase of our similair tastes in play but also becuase we found ecah other attractive.... i am M'lady's first pet and also the very proud recipient of her virginity...... that is something that i will forever view as the greatest gift ever given me!! our relationship is all the more strong becuase of our love and were this a Vanilla relationship i think that our love would play a very different role than it currently does. to sum it up, our love is one that springs from a want to grow together and a need to expand both our play knowledge ( and just between you and me..... i love her for her mind AND her body!!! but don't tell her that LOL)