Looking for that frisson again

[Wings27]

I'm so ashamed!

I admit it, I've been lurking in the dark corners of this thread. It's quieter here, the hush is nice, more of a buzz... less of a roar. However now I'm starting to wonder at the lack of American women on this thread. Are we all hiding? Maybe that was the buzzing I was hearing. Damn vibrators, always so distracting. Oh..oh, that was vibrations! Silly me. Anyway, I digress. You all are amusing and scintillating and a wonderful thing to spend some time reading. I appreciate the humor and the occasional thrill. But, since I feel I've done my duty to uphold the American woman <why does that sound so dirty?> I'll let you get back to your fun. Carry on now..chop chop!

 

[Inrhapsody]

Oh we are here

Oh Wings, the Yankee girls are here, quietly lurking. Perhaps we are intimidated by the gallant chivalry which embraces both these fine Brits. I would like to offer my handkerchief and heart as a prize to the most verbose of the duo.

 

[matt_wolf]

Rules? There are only two, and it is to always keep count.

As you seem to be the voice of raisins, I think you've probably deduced by now that this thread wandered off topic some time ago and has now become simply a place for those who want to offload some excess words in a nice friendly manner.

you are of course right about many things. Rupert Everett is damn sexy, as is Hugh Grant to a discerning audience. My protestations were merely that I cannot hold a candle to either man given their charm and intellect, let alone their looks. Your assertion about your heterosexuality is duly noted with a manly nod, lowering of vocal tone to suitable gruff and obviously forced bass and offering of manly pursuits such as drinking real ale, shooting passing bears and singing lewd songs about axle grease.

Flounce? Bread? Hmm, I am not convinced. I'm more of a saunter kind of guy personally, I do a good line in nonchalance (although I'm never chalant) and if 5 letter words are to be used then my choice would be pithy. It's so....pithy.

Your brave interjection shows spirit, and your contempt of the existing rules and substitution with your own is bold, little grasshopper. Abide here for a time and you shall learn much that is completely irrelevant. The Boers had a word for those who stood undecided, they described them as having one foot in England and another in Africa, and therefore they had soutpiel (saltprick) - their tadger was left to hang loose in the salt of the ocean. Your offer to stand astride the Tweed loses you valuable street on two counts. One - it makes you look like a soutpiel, and ( two) it was the name of a "wannabe" perfume in the UK in the late Seventies. I think it was advertised by Penelope Keith too

On the plus side of the street cred though, Matt Wolf is a much better concept than Gloss Wolf.

Have fun

As somebody who can remember neither the Boer wars nor the late 70s I am able to shrug off the negative connotations of residing in the Tweed and instead celebrate it as the great Salmon River that it is. (And in addition I promise to sit on the fence about nothing except the battle of wits between EA and the Scotsman.)

Now fishing, there is a manly pursuit: whether done with the calm, taciturn slowness of the elderly codger by the river bank; the sound and fury of Hemmingway; or by the gnarly handed Grimsby trawlerman.

 

[matt_wolf]

Oh Wings, the Yankee girls are here, quietly lurking. Perhaps we are intimidated by the gallant chivalry which embraces both these fine Brits. I would like to offer my handkerchief and heart as a prize to the most verbose of the duo.

The thing you've got to remember is that in certain English accents (not all, this doesn't unfortunately work for people from Birmingham) a person can say anything - anything at all - and it comes across as either gallantly chivarous or foppishly verbose. Look at Tony Blair and how he went down in America.

With Scots accents (again not all, this doesn't work for people from Fife) it is different. Here a person can say anything - anything at all - and it comes across as sexily flirtaous.

 

[Inrhapsody]

The thing you've got to remember is that in certain English accents (not all, this doesn't unfortunately work for people from Birmingham) a person can say anything - anything at all - and it comes across as either gallantly chivarous or foppishly verbose. Look at Tony Blair and how he went down in America.

With Scots accents (again not all, this doesn't work for people from Fife) it is different. Here a person can say anything - anything at all - and it comes across as sexily flirtaous.

Are you from Fife?

 

[EnglishAgain]

I admit it, I've been lurking in the dark corners of this thread. It's quieter here, the hush is nice, more of a buzz... less of a roar. However now I'm starting to wonder at the lack of American women on this thread. Are we all hiding? Maybe that was the buzzing I was hearing. Damn vibrators, always so distracting. Oh..oh, that was vibrations! Silly me. Anyway, I digress. You all are amusing and scintillating and a wonderful thing to spend some time reading. I appreciate the humor and the occasional thrill. But, since I feel I've done my duty to uphold the American woman <why does that sound so dirty?> I'll let you get back to your fun. Carry on now..chop chop!

We can handle an Amazon, grapple a Ganges, yell at the Yangtze and take on the Thames, but we didn't spot you over there in the dark.

Hi Wings. I'm glad you felt it was time to spread yourself, so to speak. No, not like that, no, not in a pervy photographic sort of way...I was referring to wings...Oh never mind, the trouble's started now. Let me start again.

Hi Wings, I'm glad you felt you could come out here. Oh, no no no, not come out like George Michael and that whole policeman in the urinals thing, no I'm not inferring anything. No, I've never heard of Freud....

Um, let me see. How can I put it safely? Hi Wings, thanks for not distracting the rest of us with that vibrator that can hold up all-american women....Bugger!

Hi Wings.

There. Did it. Safety in minimalism. Perhaps less really is more? If that's the case both my tummy and my verbosity will never really satisfy, but thankfully it's good news for penises everywhere.
Well apart from that guy in that movie, you know the one where he unzips and gets it out and you think Oh my god the guy's got a baby in his pants and there's the arm come free....

I'm in a real stream of consciousness mood today. Sorry, I do apologise. It's because I have been away for a bit and have just got back today and I've realised I have nothing to write about. Well, there was the little incident with the ice skating but I think the bruises will heal quite quickly. My, how we laughed on the way to Accident and Emergency.

Anyway, snap back to reality, Oops, there goes gravity. did I mention I like a bit of Eminem now and again? Oh yes, hurrah for American women everywhere...well, perhaps the ones in America should take priority I suppose. Anyway, off to chop chip, err chop shop, I mean slop chop, oh whatever.

A guy with two left feet goes in to a shoe shop and asks for a pair of flipflips.
Does that translate? Do you have flip flops over there? I know you have literotica and the paintedseamstryss and rootbeer, but we have such wonders as flip flops, cricket and Lavatera. It's great.

Scintillating? Coruscating I feel would be more apt.

Have fun, post more. We'd love to see more of you.

Well, no not more of you as in those pics...oh bugger. I'm off.

 

[EnglishAgain]

The thing you've got to remember is that in certain English accents (not all, this doesn't unfortunately work for people from Birmingham) a person can say anything - anything at all - and it comes across as either gallantly chivarous or foppishly verbose. Look at Tony Blair and how he went down in America.

With Scots accents (again not all, this doesn't work for people from Fife) it is different. Here a person can say anything - anything at all - and it comes across as sexily flirtaous.

Ah, foppish verbosity, my aim in life. You are so right of course, Matt, those of us wordy types just don't know when to shut up.

Actually there was a song by Ronan Keating where he said "You say it best when you say nothing at all" and I'm sure it was just a smart way of telling his wife to keep quiet!

Scots people always win the battle of accents. I asked my wife last night about which accent I am most like and she did say I sound more like Hugh Grant than Rupert Everett, but I am not convinced. I tried speaking into a box and snapping the lid on tight to send my voice away for analysis but they sent back a message saying the court order prohibited me from writing to them ever again. Odd.

So Matt, have you set up a sample of your voice somewhere for the good ladies of the thread to listen to? I bet they'll be falling over themselves to hear your dulcet tones.

Have fun

 

[EnglishAgain]

Oh Wings, the Yankee girls are here, quietly lurking. Perhaps we are intimidated by the gallant chivalry which embraces both these fine Brits. I would like to offer my handkerchief and heart as a prize to the most verbose of the duo.

Really? The verbose one wins? Surely I must be a contender? Let's face it, I type so much twaddle you could cement it all together and make a lifesize model of the Great Wall of China.

Intimidated? Never, fair maidens. I am indeed covered in consternation at the thought of denying any of you gorgeous girls the chance to air your views on here. There are many many intelligent women on Literotica but I am beginning to feel that the real cream of the crop are posting on this thread and I'm certainly very flattered by the lovely things you all say about me and about each other on here. It's really good fun to have this silliness to take me away from the mundane of the rest of my day, and it's even nicer to share it with you all. It seems this thread is being followed and occasionally added to by quite a diverse group of very nice people, including Skirty McFlirty and Matt the jockmocker, and if we bring a smile to your face as much as you bring a smile to mine then it's worthwhile.

Oh, way too serious. Sorry, I'm off to put my gonads in the freezer. I can't quite make the distinction between icicles and testicles, but I'm sure I'll have a clearer idea after this.

 

[Wings27]

We can handle an Amazon, grapple a Ganges, yell at the Yangtze and take on the Thames, but we didn't spot you over there in the dark.

Hi Wings. I'm glad you felt it was time to spread yourself, so to speak. No, not like that, no, not in a pervy photographic sort of way...I was referring to wings...Oh never mind, the trouble's started now. Let me start again.

Hi Wings, I'm glad you felt you could come out here. Oh, no no no, not come out like George Michael and that whole policeman in the urinals thing, no I'm not inferring anything. No, I've never heard of Freud....

Um, let me see. How can I put it safely? Hi Wings, thanks for not distracting the rest of us with that vibrator that can hold up all-american women....Bugger!

Hi Wings.

There. Did it. Safety in minimalism. Perhaps less really is more? If that's the case both my tummy and my verbosity will never really satisfy, but thankfully it's good news for penises everywhere.
Well apart from that guy in that movie, you know the one where he unzips and gets it out and you think Oh my god the guy's got a baby in his pants and there's the arm come free....

I'm in a real stream of consciousness mood today. Sorry, I do apologise. It's because I have been away for a bit and have just got back today and I've realised I have nothing to write about. Well, there was the little incident with the ice skating but I think the bruises will heal quite quickly. My, how we laughed on the way to Accident and Emergency.

Anyway, snap back to reality, Oops, there goes gravity. did I mention I like a bit of Eminem now and again? Oh yes, hurrah for American women everywhere...well, perhaps the ones in America should take priority I suppose. Anyway, off to chop chip, err chop shop, I mean slop chop, oh whatever.

A guy with two left feet goes in to a shoe shop and asks for a pair of flipflips.
Does that translate? Do you have flip flops over there? I know you have literotica and the paintedseamstryss and rootbeer, but we have such wonders as flip flops, cricket and Lavatera. It's great.

Scintillating? Coruscating I feel would be more apt.

Have fun, post more. We'd love to see more of you.

Well, no not more of you as in those pics...oh bugger. I'm off.

Hmm, I'm hard to miss, the 6 foot blonde with REALLY pale skin, I tend to glow in the dark. That's ok though, I should have made more noise.

The question I have though is...isn't the plural for penis..peni? I've always assumed it was...but you know what they say about assuming.

As for minimalism, it's good in some instances, like when the mouth is otherwise occupied, and tummies are not meant to be minimal, at least that's what I say to myself. Please don't shatter that illusion. Thanks.

I'm tempted to ask which movie you are referring to, but I'll go with the safe version and assume you mean Boogie Nights...but there I go again, assuming! I'm so dangerous with the assumptions, they should be outlawed for me. Thankfully I've given up the bow and arrow, as I realized I like to have both of my breasts. I feel more even that way.

We do indeed have flip flops...I believe I might own a pair in every color.

I am confused about the pics, should I be spreading something for them? Or you don't want to see any more? Dammit, I hate when I can't figure something out, it either means I need more sleep, or more to drink...I shall go with the drink first.

 

[CaFem45]

This thread

so deserves another bump....I haven't been this entertained in ever so long....and the thought of an Englishman and a Scot.....well, two of my favorite treats

 

[CaFem45]

Just had to

keep this near the top

 

[matt_wolf]

so deserves another bump....I haven't been this entertained in ever so long....and the thought of an Englishman and a Scot.....well, two of my favorite treats

Can we learn more about this favorite treat...?

Actually it sounds like the beginnings of a joke, about and Englishman, a Scotsman and an American-woman in a sack.... (we may need to add an Irishman there as well for the sake of tradition). A prize for whomever comes up with the best punchline.

What's that buzzing noise? Ah it is Wings vibrating in the background. Lovely sound, like a bee-loud glade:

And I shall have some peace there, for peace comes dropping slow,
Dropping from the veils of the morning to where the cricket sings;
There midnight's all a glimmer, and noon a purple glow,
And evening full of the linnet's wings.

Must be Wings.

 

[EnglishAgain]

so deserves another bump....I haven't been this entertained in ever so long....and the thought of an Englishman and a Scot.....well, two of my favorite treats

Hey missy, let me tell you there'll be no Englishman and Scot. He's up there and I'm down here, and he's really not my type anyway. My type is Times New Roman in 12 point and not underlined.
Humph, the cheek of it. What a suggestion. Expecially after he called me a sassenach. I don't come here to be harangued you know, I go to lots of places for that.

Still, in the interests of friendly welcomes, good evening CaFem, how are you this evening? I am personally still in a little shock as last night was my first ever visit to a swingers club (oh the need to confess will be the death of me) and...well....I simply can't put into words how I feel today.

It seems we are destined for poetry on occasion on this thread, but sadly I am beyond great quotes and wondrous literature. Well, truth be told of course it is beyond me. Instead I shall simply misquote my philosophy;

"I think I did, therefore I used to, but I can't remember if I still can"

 

[Inrhapsody]

hummm interesting

What...you the verbose Brit can't put it into words...that is a first. Would LOVE to hear about it whenyou are less tongue tied.

Still, in the interests of friendly welcomes, good evening CaFem, how are you this evening? I am personally still in a little shock as last night was my first ever visit to a swingers club (oh the need to confess will be the death of me) and...well....I simply can't put into words how I feel today.QUOTE]

 

[katze101]

Hello folks! It's been quite a while since my latest update. I've been busy with other things, like checking out, er, reporting on the different undergarments worn by the foreign correspondents for the upcoming Olympics.

Our silver-haired Celt has been conspicuously absent this past week. Does anyone know his whereabouts? Will we call upon Harry Potter (who was the last person who saw the Scotsman's visage) to conjure some spell and bring him back to our midst?

But lo and behold! Another gent from Scotland is in our midst! And apparently, he's a poet too! Welcome to the thread, Mr. Wolf! We, the ladies of this thread, expect greater and lesser things or poems from you.

And ooohlala! Three new lovely ladies have joined our little party. Perhaps it was the visual feast created by Flirty McSkirty and the Foppish EA using swords as they rage battle with wit and style. Wings27, thank you for carrying the banner (as well as the vibrator) for the American ladies. Because of you, Inrhapsody and Cafem45 have been drawn out of hiding as well! Welcome to this thread, lovely ladies! Your wity and flirtatious remarks will always be a pleasure to read.

EA, it seems that your publicity photos on page 3 of The Sun did the work well! More ladies (and a gent) were drawn in, and now we are on page 4! Is there anything appealing on page 4 that we can utilise?

Now, if only I can find the location of our rugged Scotsman69.... Stay tuned folks!

 

[Inrhapsody]

thank you...it is an honor to be here

Perhaps it was the visual feast created by Flirty McSkirty and the Foppish EA using swords as they rage battle with wit and style.

Do you suppose "swords" is a metaphor for something else. Hummmm...I just can't think what is might be.

 

[PaintedSeamstryss]

Well here we all are on page 4....I have been "indisposed" so to speak for a while, but I am back now...Hello to all the new folks joining us and welcome back katze. EA, you tease with your brief confession. I find it remarkably interesting that you, my vivacious, verbose "viking" (wink, wink..hey I needed a "v" word) are at a loss for words...Come sit with me for a while, tell me all about it, and I am sure your words will return to you with a quickness....

Hugs & Lix!

 

[matt_wolf]

I am personally still in a little shock as last night was my first ever visit to a swingers club (oh the need to confess will be the death of me) and...well....I simply can't put into words how I feel today.
[/QUOTE]

I agree with the Painted one: this isn't so much of a confession as a teaser, a deliberate tail from which we are left hanging, twisting and turning in the breeze of speculation, intrigue and yes desire to know more.

I don't think your priest would let you off with such a skimpy revelation - in the movies at least priests always want to know the details - so I don't know why we should...

Talk EA, we know you're good at that.

 

[EnglishAgain]

Right, I've put down my spatula and decided that DIY eye surgery simply isn't as easy as I thought it might be. Back to the drawing board with that one, albeit with less ability to see things in perspective. I guess there's no point in going to see Journey to the Centre of the Earth in 3D now.

Oh I'm sorry, was that a teaser, the line about the swinger's club? Ah, I can only apologise. Tell you what, I'm going to go have lunch with my lovely wife right now but as soon as I get back I shall fill you in with some alacrity.

Where did I put that big tub of alacrity? Do you think I should fill you in from the bottom up?

 

[EnglishAgain]

The gory glory details

It seems that this is a topic of some interests now, and has piqued the curiosity of some of the people, simians and assorted unclassified lurkers who occasionally look in to see what we're up to, so I thought I might as well do one big posting now to explain the swingers club visit and then you can all comment to your heart's content.

Why a swingers club? Well, it may surprise you all to know that I have been far too busy talking (and sweeping my foppish hair back) for the last twenty years to have got it on with anyone other than my wife. For those of you as yet unaware, she was my first and only love and the only girl I have ever got physical with. Trust me, she's worth it.

I got to her young though and she never got the chance to get intimate with anyone else either. I feel a little bad about that.

Anyway, over the years my various sick little fantiasies, deviances, pecadilloes and perversions have all come out between us and it turns out that I am a voyeur. How to satisfy this? How to flirt (and trust me I do love to flirt till it aches all over and my tongue has become so smooth I want to rub it with beeswax and have a French Polisher come over and admire it) without damaging our relationship? The only way to do it seemed to be a club, and so bejeepers we went and joined up.

I am now an official member of a swingers club, and I'm so comfortable with it I can even leave out the apostrophe. Ha! God, what a grammatical wild child I am.

(making tea in the background now, brb)

So, we went along on Saturday afternoon and made some minor mistakes.
1. We arrived way too early and were too nervous to eat so we started drinking wine from 4 o'clock.
2. We met another couple on the way in, arranged beforehand, as they seemed ever so nice from the forum we'd been talking to them on. It turns out they were not quite as garrulous as I am, so the conversation was quite stilted.
3. I wore a suit and tie, my better half went to town on hair and make up to look glamourous as possible. We were terribly overdressed! All the guys were just in shirts and trousers.
4. It turns out everyone was not as talkative as me, nor as relaxed as me, and I do sooo love to chat. It was quite disappointing.
5. There is a bar area, where no sex stuff is allowed, although you can walk around in whatever dress or undress you like. We spent a lot of time there. We considered the jacuzzi later on, but the only way to the jacuzzi is through the middle of the public play area and we weren't ready for that. No spa!

The public play room was a bacchanalian feast, I must admit. It seemed from my brief glimpse (and it was only a two second glimpse so I may be wrong) that most of the people were in pairs rather than in long chains of orgiastic delight. However each of those pairs were very naked or very sexily clad, most were engaged in licking, stroking, touching and thrusting in one big bed in the middle, with several smaller beds in the corners of the room for onlookers in one-off couples. The jacuzzi was full of people chatting and doubtless playing under the water, whilst the darkened play room had soft gentle moaning and gasping noises coming from all directions. That was really seriously erotic.

Anyway as I said we didn't hang around there, but went back to the bar for a while. By now the bar was full of people in towels or just in lingerie. One girl had a corset on which was really lovely but later changed it for a see through baby doll type nightie. Another had a bustier with no bust in it, and bare breasts on full display. Oddly the nakedness was not really arousing but just seemed sensible, almost utilitarian given the ambience. My gorgeous girl had stripped down to a fantastic corset, frilly panties and stockings, killer heels and beautiful hair. I was in brand new silk boxers, and I have to admit they did the business for my tactile self.

Eventually we went upstairs where there are some private playrooms. The rules are that if the door is open then others can look or ask to join in, but if the door is closed then the occupants want to play alone. On the way up the corridor and stairs were deserted, but we only wanted to play alone so we went into one of the rooms and closed the door.

Not two minutes had gone by before someone rudely barged in, and then out again. The same thing happened a minute later, and we were just at the point where we were trying to disrobe and cast aside our nerves. Sadly it was not to be, it was just too much too soon and we decided to call it a night for our first visit.

That's when it all got funny. As we came out of the room the couple we had met on arrival were in the hallway, he couldn't say goodnight because his eyes had glazed over and she couldn't say goodnight because she had a mouthful of her husband. The couple on the other side of them were similarly engaged, she bent over the banister and he behind her and ministering to her with his fingers.

We went to the changing rooms and there were various people getting dressed and talking about the weather. My mind was engaged entirely on what I had just seen and so I was unable to converse with anyone! Can you imagine that? It left me overwhelmed. I've never been speechless before.

For a first visit it was ok, but nerves and lack of expectation and bad timing meant it was really not a sexy experience for 99% of the time. However it will definitely be better next time as we have more idea of what to expect and how to behave. We are thinking of going back for a party night in November when there;s a disco and some party games to help break the ice. Personally I don't even see the ice but others really do, so it may help.

That afternoon we'd made love and it was unbelievably good, and the next day after we talked it over we got all excited again and to be honest we've spent most of our spare time in bed since. Some of it has been soft and lovely, most of it has been hot and animal and raw lust. The poor kids, we really must let them out of their rooms sometime soon....

If you want the website for the club, let me know. It's not one of those seedy "come on in and grab a handful" places because I could never have done that, but you'd have to make up your own mind.

Biggest let down? No flirting. I'd love to find someone to flirt with. Anyone got any ideas where I could look?

 

[EnglishAgain]

Hmm, I'm hard to miss, the 6 foot blonde with REALLY pale skin, I tend to glow in the dark. That's ok though, I should have made more noise.

The question I have though is...isn't the plural for penis..peni? I've always assumed it was...but you know what they say about assuming.

As for minimalism, it's good in some instances, like when the mouth is otherwise occupied, and tummies are not meant to be minimal, at least that's what I say to myself. Please don't shatter that illusion. Thanks.

I'm tempted to ask which movie you are referring to, but I'll go with the safe version and assume you mean Boogie Nights...but there I go again, assuming! I'm so dangerous with the assumptions, they should be outlawed for me. Thankfully I've given up the bow and arrow, as I realized I like to have both of my breasts. I feel more even that way.

We do indeed have flip flops...I believe I might own a pair in every color.

I am confused about the pics, should I be spreading something for them? Or you don't want to see any more? Dammit, I hate when I can't figure something out, it either means I need more sleep, or more to drink...I shall go with the drink first.

Eat, Drink and be Mary. Isn't that what they say? Sorry to take so long to reply. I was going to linger longer but if I linger and let you languish you'll lose any leanings you had to stop lurking and leave, so here we are.

I believe you might own a pair in every colour, but as I'm colour blind I can't confirm that. Colour blindness has been a real problem in my life actually, especially when I applied for that job in the Ku Klux Klan. Wow, they were really uptight people. I bought some of my friends round and the boss there went white as a sheet.

Talking of which, how pale IS your skin? Are you like Nordic blonde, with the striking height and blue eyes. Have you noticed people playing Flight of the Valkyries a lot when you're around? Perhaps you're an albino? If you drop yourself in a toaster for 5 minutes you can easily tell. Maybe you're just a redhead in camouflage? I bet if we took your outer layer off you'd be red underneath.

I like the idea of glow in the dark women, don't you? Rubbish in games of hide and seek, but useful in all sorts of other scenarios. What's the word I'm looking for? effervescene? Emanesence? Tumescent? Oh yes, radioactive.
Anyway, lovely to see you again. The plural of penis is Law Firm, for future reference, although in England we pronounce it Estate Agent.

have fun

 

[EnglishAgain]

Can we learn more about this favorite treat...?

Actually it sounds like the beginnings of a joke, about and Englishman, a Scotsman and an American-woman in a sack.... (we may need to add an Irishman there as well for the sake of tradition). A prize for whomever comes up with the best punchline.

What's that buzzing noise? Ah it is Wings vibrating in the background. Lovely sound, like a bee-loud glade:

And I shall have some peace there, for peace comes dropping slow,
Dropping from the veils of the morning to where the cricket sings;
There midnight's all a glimmer, and noon a purple glow,
And evening full of the linnet's wings.

Must be Wings.

How can you people not be swayed by this? That poetry is beautiful, not enough mention is made of linnets nowadays and Matt storms in with evocative poetry and rhyme redolent of the glory of the countryside. What thanks does he get? None.
Matt I think that was marvellous. Simply lovely.

However the rest of your posting needs some addressing. The beginnings of a joke? Hasn;t this whole thread been a sorry excuse for humour since the beginning? It's only you that's brought some sanity to it, and it must be obvious to you now that you're wasting your time with that one.

If you can just remember we're all a bit hard of thinking on here and tone down your comments to the lowest common demonstrator, I mean detonator, I mean denomonomonminator then we'll be ok.

Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman and American woman in a sack, they've been kidnapped and are going to be held for ransom. Eventually they are unmasked and find themselves driving down the high street. The kidnapper says "Tell me your names!" The Englishman looks pensive for a moment then says "My name is Tommy, Tommy Hilfiger!" The others quickly catch on. The Scotsman thinks quickly and says "My name is Jay, Jay C. Penney" The American woman says "My name is Donna, Donna Karan." The poor Irish fellow thinks for a minute but can't come up with anything. Eventually he says "My name is Ken."
"Ken who?" say his captors
"Ken TuckyFriedChicken"

 

[EnglishAgain]

What...you the verbose Brit can't put it into words...that is a first. Would LOVE to hear about it whenyou are less tongue tied.

tongue untied, teasing terminated, decadent doings duly dispatched, and alliteration aborted.

Remember, never mess with a man who can do stupidity in stereo

 

[IsabellaKing]

It seems that this is a topic of some interests now, and has piqued the curiosity of some of the people, simians and assorted unclassified lurkers who occasionally look in to see what we're up to, so I thought I might as well do one big posting now to explain the swingers club visit and then you can all comment to your heart's content.

Why a swingers club? Well, it may surprise you all to know that I have been far too busy talking (and sweeping my foppish hair back) for the last twenty years to have got it on with anyone other than my wife. For those of you as yet unaware, she was my first and only love and the only girl I have ever got physical with. Trust me, she's worth it.

I got to her young though and she never got the chance to get intimate with anyone else either. I feel a little bad about that.

Anyway, over the years my various sick little fantiasies, deviances, pecadilloes and perversions have all come out between us and it turns out that I am a voyeur. How to satisfy this? How to flirt (and trust me I do love to flirt till it aches all over and my tongue has become so smooth I want to rub it with beeswax and have a French Polisher come over and admire it) without damaging our relationship? The only way to do it seemed to be a club, and so bejeepers we went and joined up.

I am now an official member of a swingers club, and I'm so comfortable with it I can even leave out the apostrophe. Ha! God, what a grammatical wild child I am.

(making tea in the background now, brb)

So, we went along on Saturday afternoon and made some minor mistakes.
1. We arrived way too early and were too nervous to eat so we started drinking wine from 4 o'clock.
2. We met another couple on the way in, arranged beforehand, as they seemed ever so nice from the forum we'd been talking to them on. It turns out they were not quite as garrulous as I am, so the conversation was quite stilted.
3. I wore a suit and tie, my better half went to town on hair and make up to look glamourous as possible. We were terribly overdressed! All the guys were just in shirts and trousers.
4. It turns out everyone was not as talkative as me, nor as relaxed as me, and I do sooo love to chat. It was quite disappointing.
5. There is a bar area, where no sex stuff is allowed, although you can walk around in whatever dress or undress you like. We spent a lot of time there. We considered the jacuzzi later on, but the only way to the jacuzzi is through the middle of the public play area and we weren't ready for that. No spa!

The public play room was a bacchanalian feast, I must admit. It seemed from my brief glimpse (and it was only a two second glimpse so I may be wrong) that most of the people were in pairs rather than in long chains of orgiastic delight. However each of those pairs were very naked or very sexily clad, most were engaged in licking, stroking, touching and thrusting in one big bed in the middle, with several smaller beds in the corners of the room for onlookers in one-off couples. The jacuzzi was full of people chatting and doubtless playing under the water, whilst the darkened play room had soft gentle moaning and gasping noises coming from all directions. That was really seriously erotic.

Anyway as I said we didn't hang around there, but went back to the bar for a while. By now the bar was full of people in towels or just in lingerie. One girl had a corset on which was really lovely but later changed it for a see through baby doll type nightie. Another had a bustier with no bust in it, and bare breasts on full display. Oddly the nakedness was not really arousing but just seemed sensible, almost utilitarian given the ambience. My gorgeous girl had stripped down to a fantastic corset, frilly panties and stockings, killer heels and beautiful hair. I was in brand new silk boxers, and I have to admit they did the business for my tactile self.

Eventually we went upstairs where there are some private playrooms. The rules are that if the door is open then others can look or ask to join in, but if the door is closed then the occupants want to play alone. On the way up the corridor and stairs were deserted, but we only wanted to play alone so we went into one of the rooms and closed the door.

Not two minutes had gone by before someone rudely barged in, and then out again. The same thing happened a minute later, and we were just at the point where we were trying to disrobe and cast aside our nerves. Sadly it was not to be, it was just too much too soon and we decided to call it a night for our first visit.

That's when it all got funny. As we came out of the room the couple we had met on arrival were in the hallway, he couldn't say goodnight because his eyes had glazed over and she couldn't say goodnight because she had a mouthful of her husband. The couple on the other side of them were similarly engaged, she bent over the banister and he behind her and ministering to her with his fingers.

We went to the changing rooms and there were various people getting dressed and talking about the weather. My mind was engaged entirely on what I had just seen and so I was unable to converse with anyone! Can you imagine that? It left me overwhelmed. I've never been speechless before.

For a first visit it was ok, but nerves and lack of expectation and bad timing meant it was really not a sexy experience for 99% of the time. However it will definitely be better next time as we have more idea of what to expect and how to behave. We are thinking of going back for a party night in November when there;s a disco and some party games to help break the ice. Personally I don't even see the ice but others really do, so it may help.

That afternoon we'd made love and it was unbelievably good, and the next day after we talked it over we got all excited again and to be honest we've spent most of our spare time in bed since. Some of it has been soft and lovely, most of it has been hot and animal and raw lust. The poor kids, we really must let them out of their rooms sometime soon....

If you want the website for the club, let me know. It's not one of those seedy "come on in and grab a handful" places because I could never have done that, but you'd have to make up your own mind.

Biggest let down? No flirting. I'd love to find someone to flirt with. Anyone got any ideas where I could look?

I loved this discription, English. You sound like a lovely couple, but I'm left with the urge...




to shout - DON'T DO IT!

 

[TallMan60]

Thanks for this great description! I look forward to hearing about your subsequent visits. I really enjoy reading your thread; you are an inspiration to all of us guys.

It seems that this is a topic of some interests now, and has piqued the curiosity of some of the people, simians and assorted unclassified lurkers who occasionally look in to see what we're up to, so I thought I might as well do one big posting now to explain the swingers club visit and then you can all comment to your heart's content.

Why a swingers club? Well, it may surprise you all to know that I have been far too busy talking (and sweeping my foppish hair back) for the last twenty years to have got it on with anyone other than my wife. For those of you as yet unaware, she was my first and only love and the only girl I have ever got physical with. Trust me, she's worth it.

I got to her young though and she never got the chance to get intimate with anyone else either. I feel a little bad about that.

Anyway, over the years my various sick little fantiasies, deviances, pecadilloes and perversions have all come out between us and it turns out that I am a voyeur. How to satisfy this? How to flirt (and trust me I do love to flirt till it aches all over and my tongue has become so smooth I want to rub it with beeswax and have a French Polisher come over and admire it) without damaging our relationship? The only way to do it seemed to be a club, and so bejeepers we went and joined up.

I am now an official member of a swingers club, and I'm so comfortable with it I can even leave out the apostrophe. Ha! God, what a grammatical wild child I am.

(making tea in the background now, brb)

So, we went along on Saturday afternoon and made some minor mistakes.
1. We arrived way too early and were too nervous to eat so we started drinking wine from 4 o'clock.
2. We met another couple on the way in, arranged beforehand, as they seemed ever so nice from the forum we'd been talking to them on. It turns out they were not quite as garrulous as I am, so the conversation was quite stilted.
3. I wore a suit and tie, my better half went to town on hair and make up to look glamourous as possible. We were terribly overdressed! All the guys were just in shirts and trousers.
4. It turns out everyone was not as talkative as me, nor as relaxed as me, and I do sooo love to chat. It was quite disappointing.
5. There is a bar area, where no sex stuff is allowed, although you can walk around in whatever dress or undress you like. We spent a lot of time there. We considered the jacuzzi later on, but the only way to the jacuzzi is through the middle of the public play area and we weren't ready for that. No spa!

The public play room was a bacchanalian feast, I must admit. It seemed from my brief glimpse (and it was only a two second glimpse so I may be wrong) that most of the people were in pairs rather than in long chains of orgiastic delight. However each of those pairs were very naked or very sexily clad, most were engaged in licking, stroking, touching and thrusting in one big bed in the middle, with several smaller beds in the corners of the room for onlookers in one-off couples. The jacuzzi was full of people chatting and doubtless playing under the water, whilst the darkened play room had soft gentle moaning and gasping noises coming from all directions. That was really seriously erotic.

Anyway as I said we didn't hang around there, but went back to the bar for a while. By now the bar was full of people in towels or just in lingerie. One girl had a corset on which was really lovely but later changed it for a see through baby doll type nightie. Another had a bustier with no bust in it, and bare breasts on full display. Oddly the nakedness was not really arousing but just seemed sensible, almost utilitarian given the ambience. My gorgeous girl had stripped down to a fantastic corset, frilly panties and stockings, killer heels and beautiful hair. I was in brand new silk boxers, and I have to admit they did the business for my tactile self.

Eventually we went upstairs where there are some private playrooms. The rules are that if the door is open then others can look or ask to join in, but if the door is closed then the occupants want to play alone. On the way up the corridor and stairs were deserted, but we only wanted to play alone so we went into one of the rooms and closed the door.

Not two minutes had gone by before someone rudely barged in, and then out again. The same thing happened a minute later, and we were just at the point where we were trying to disrobe and cast aside our nerves. Sadly it was not to be, it was just too much too soon and we decided to call it a night for our first visit.

That's when it all got funny. As we came out of the room the couple we had met on arrival were in the hallway, he couldn't say goodnight because his eyes had glazed over and she couldn't say goodnight because she had a mouthful of her husband. The couple on the other side of them were similarly engaged, she bent over the banister and he behind her and ministering to her with his fingers.

We went to the changing rooms and there were various people getting dressed and talking about the weather. My mind was engaged entirely on what I had just seen and so I was unable to converse with anyone! Can you imagine that? It left me overwhelmed. I've never been speechless before.

For a first visit it was ok, but nerves and lack of expectation and bad timing meant it was really not a sexy experience for 99% of the time. However it will definitely be better next time as we have more idea of what to expect and how to behave. We are thinking of going back for a party night in November when there;s a disco and some party games to help break the ice. Personally I don't even see the ice but others really do, so it may help.

That afternoon we'd made love and it was unbelievably good, and the next day after we talked it over we got all excited again and to be honest we've spent most of our spare time in bed since. Some of it has been soft and lovely, most of it has been hot and animal and raw lust. The poor kids, we really must let them out of their rooms sometime soon....

If you want the website for the club, let me know. It's not one of those seedy "come on in and grab a handful" places because I could never have done that, but you'd have to make up your own mind.

Biggest let down? No flirting. I'd love to find someone to flirt with. Anyone got any ideas where I could look?