Letters

[amelia]

Dear PC, NO-RAH and LOLA:

I'm here now and i'm ready. I've been dreaming of the day when i could slide my smooth lips along the jawline of a sweet and tasty girlie face. PC, you're allowed to watch and direct as long as you wear the agreed upon costume. Something about a raider's uniform that gets me all hot and moist.

Anticipating some sweet gyrating,
Amelia

 

[WaxNWane]

To my grandfather,

Thank you for tolerating your somewhat crazy and thoroughly bitchy wife long enough to give birth to my mom. Everytime I talk to her I realize more and more how much of who I am that I owe her.

Gracias, peacefully resting senor.
Tu nieto agradecido

 

[Problem Child]

Dear lovely ladies,

I have visited both my physician and my lawyer, and can assure you all that I am fully prepared for any and all forseeable activities in the Lone Star state, legally, physically, sexually, immorally, and in every other conceivable way.

I have packed my Raiders uniform, three cheerleader outfits, a quart of Wet lubricant, twenty yards of parachute cord, three zucchinis, four bottles of excellent champagne, three cases of beer, a midget (his name is Lance...odd), a .357 magnum revolver, one pair of multi-colored clown shoes, a lid of marijuana, one medium size cardboard box of classic porn tapes from the seventies, one pair of handcuffs, nine Tombstone frozen pizzas, one pair of jumper cables, a monitor lizard, one pair of water skis, a pH testing kit, a mexican gardener named Juan, a remote control vibrating egg, assorted size rubber bands, and a llama.

Please let me know if you will be needing anything else.

Preparedly yours,

Problem "Scoutmaster" Child

 

[amelia]

WaxNWane Querido:

Su sentido del humor toca mi corazón. Usted es verdad alguien que gozo el saber.


Con La Adoración,

Amelia


*edited to add babelfish translation b/c that shit cracks me up

Dear WaxNWane:

Its sense of humor touches my heart. You are truth somebody that joy the knowledge.

With The Adoration, Amelia

 

[amelia]

Dear lovely ladies,

I have visited both my physician and my lawyer, and can assure you all that I am fully prepared for any and all forseeable activities in the Lone Star state, legally, physically, sexually, immorally, and in every other conceivable way.

I have packed my Raiders uniform....and a llama.

Please let me know if you will be needing anything else.

Preparedly yours,

Problem "Scoutmaster" Child

Dear Scoutmaster:

Could i possibly encourage you to bring the entire third season of the Dukes of Hazard on DVD. (it's my own fetish..don't judge me..just lay back and enjoy the results)

Lustfully consumed with Uncle Jessie,
Amelia

 

[superlittlegirl]

Ooh, that translation sounds like Engrish to me!

WaxNWane Querido:

Su sentido del humor toca mi corazón. Usted es verdad alguien que gozo el saber.


Con La Adoración,

Amelia


*edited to add babelfish translation b/c that shit cracks me up

Dear WaxNWane:

Its sense of humor touches my heart. You are truth somebody that joy the knowledge.

With The Adoration, Amelia

 

[Problem Child]

Dear Scoutmaster:

Could i possibly encourage you to bring the entire third season of the Dukes of Hazard. (it's my own fetish..don't judge me..just lay back and enjoy the results)

Lustfully consumed with Uncle Jessie,
Amelia

Dear Amelia,

The space left in my 1976 chevrolet sex van conversion is somewhat limited. You girls require more equipment than any other clients I've had. This will be tough.

However- If I strap Cooter and Boss Hogg on the roof and let Daisy straddle me, I think I can do it.

(If you smell Daisy's aroma on my manparts sometime during our weekend together, please do your best to forget it. It was just business.)

Racin' around and wreckin' cars for no reason,

PC

 

[Nora]

Dearest Scoutmaster,

Leave the midget. Bring the gardener. Boy could my yard use some tending! Does your llama double as a hedge trimmer?

I'd like extra cheese on my Tombstone, please.

Yours 'til Niagara falls,

Nora

PS: Your laundry list sound much like my night last night. Curious.

 

[amelia]

Dearest PC:

I suppose cooter, boss hogg and daisy will have to do but what about the general lee? I so desire some hot copulation in the back of the general lee. the way you have to slide in through the windows because the doors won't open...mmmm.


my girlie parts are all a tingle.


Looking for my daisy duke shorts,
Amelia

 

[Problem Child]

Dearest Scoutmaster,

Leave the midget. Bring the gardener. Boy could my yard use some tending! Does your llama double as a hedge trimmer?

I'd like extra cheese on my Tombstone, please.

Yours 'til Niagara falls,

Nora

PS: Your laundry list sound much like my night last night. Curious.

Dear Nora,

You are in luck! Yes, as a matter of fact, Leonard (the llama) is quite adept at trimming bush, and is not at all put off by the scent of a fresh vagina.

I will gladly leave the midget at home, as per your request. He was beginning to be a fucking pain in the ass anyway, always muttering about "The Clique" whatever the fuck that means.

Cunnilingually yours,

Problem "muffdiver" Child

 

[Nora]

Dearest PC,

*swoons* I know I'm in love now!

I'm sorry that Leonard and I had to run away without a word to anyone like that. It was terribly wrong of us, but we simply couldn't deny our love anymore!

I don't understand why the State of Texas felt it had to deny our love! Just because Leonard's a Llama and I'm not doesn't make our love WRONG! Closeminded bastards.

Anyway, we're very happy in our grass shack here in an undisclosed island in the Caribbean. Well, except that Leonard keeps eating the walls. But that's ok! Our love will last forever!

(or until tomorrow as per our earlier agreement in which I promised to fall in love with someone new on a daily basis.)

Speckled with cud,

Nora of the Islands

 

[Problem Child]

Dearest PC:

I suppose cooter, boss hogg and daisy will have to do but what about the general lee? I so desire some hot copulation in the back of the general lee. the way you have to slide in through the windows because the doors won't open...mmmm.


my girlie parts are all a tingle.


Looking for my daisy duke shorts,
Amelia

Dear Raiderette:

Towing the General Lee from Tennesee to Texas would require a serious commitment on your part. In other words, a large gesture. Examples include:

Doing nora with a double-headed dildo while you're both wesson-oiled.

A Daisy chain with eumie, Nora and the Mexican gardner, while all of you talk dirty in Spanish.

Letting me lick refried beans con queso off your chest.

Sucking my bare scrotum with an Altoid while humming The Battle Hymn Of The Republic.

Think about it.

Problem "All Options Open" Child

 

[amelia]

Dear Open:

After much thought, I've decided that i'm open to all of the above options, plus most anything else. When ever I use my Al Davis 2003 I think of you with much fondness.

aspiraré su escroto pelado con un Altoid mientras que tararea el himno de la batalla de la república. ¿Usted prefiere cinamomo o hierbabuena?

With Warmth and Wetness,
Amelia

 

[Problem Child]

Dear Open:

After much thought, I've decided that i'm open to all of the above options, plus most anything else. When ever I use my Al Davis 2003 I think of you with much fondness.

aspiraré su escroto pelado con un Altoid mientras que tararea el himno de la batalla de la república. ¿Usted prefiere cinamomo o hierbabuena?

With Warmth and Wetness,
Amelia

Dear amelia,

I've had one semester of spanish so far. Chill out a little, ok?

Cinnamon, of course.

El Problemo de Nino

 

[amelia]

Dear Problemo:

I cheat. I've only had two years of spanish (and that was in high school. all the spanish i know i get from babel fish http://babelfish.altavista.com/ ).

Awww..confession is good for the soul.


Spank me, i've been bad,
Amelia

 

[Guest]

Dear amelia

That av scares me. *hears weird 'Psycho' music playing in the background* Its not rabies is it?

Also, all I have is this ping-pong paddle to spank you. Is that sufficient enough?

~Tenacious D

 

[firefighter02]

To the makers of drugs for people in therapy,

I wanted to thank you for making such a wonderful product. She seemed almost normal the first time I met her. We had wonderful conversations, and I found her to be charming and funny. I wanted to tell you though that I think there are side affects not listed on the packaging of your product.
There is nothing that warned me that she would ask every five minutes what I was thinking, how I was feeling, and if I was having fun. Nor was there ever any warning that she would turn into someone who actually THOUGHT the world and everything in it revolved around her alone, and that all the other people on this planet were here to simply make her happy about who she was. I was also wondering if you realized that it made her stupid, and unable to understand basic thoughts. For example, "I think you need professional help", "I do have a life, and just because I didn't drop everything to come watch you give your cat a flea bath doesn't mean I hate you", and of course my favorite, "Do ya think that just because you spent 30 minutes in a public restroom at the train station and we missed the only train for the next three hours, that I wouldn't be a little pissed?"
I just thought you would like to know these things, but I have moved on and found someone who cares less about what everyone else thinks and cares more that I love her.
Druggedly yours,
Peter Pills


Find 'Em Hot- Leave 'Em Wet

 

[amelia]

Re: Dear amelia

That av scares me. *hears weird 'Psycho' music playing in the background* Its not rabies is it?

Also, all I have is this ping-pong paddle to spank you. Is that sufficient enough?

~Tenacious D

Dear D:

The AV scares you b/c i'm putting a hex on you right now!


you're getting sleeepy...sleeeepy..you want to send amelia all of your money and reese's peanut butter cups


what, i didn't hear anything!

amelia

 

[Oscuridad]

Dear Amelia,

Remind me why I'm mailing you these peanut butter cups.

Yours in confusion,

- O

 

[DarkAngel]

Dear Spirits,

Guide my heart, guide my hand... Give me strength to move throughout the maze that is called life.

~DA

 

[kidthor]

Dear Sleep,

I know I have not spent as much time with you lately as I should. Please forgive me. We will catch up someday.

Exhaustedly yours,
~KID~

 

[perks]

zuckerente,

how ya like me now?

bella

 

[amelia]

zuckerente,

how ya like me now?

bella

Dear Bellisimo:

I love the av. i think you should flip it though. here ya go...i did it for you! (cause i love ya)

bedelia Ishornee

 

[perks]

dear bedilia,

you're kickass. I like it better too, thanks.

bellisima

 

[kidthor]

Dear Makers Of Kettle Corn,

You fucking rock!

Lipsmackingly yours,
~KID~