Let's Talk About... Transparency

[RubenesqueAphrodite]

I'm open and available to exactly one person on this forum. The rest of you can draw straws..


I think people are going to be people. Internet people are a particularly strange lot. You won't find me spilling my guts to anybody

 

[LostGirlTink]

I’m truthful and honest, sometimes more than I should be. I put other people’s hearts above my own. I am a loyal friend and if you hurt those close to me I won’t forget it.
But I’m cautious with my heart. I am not for everyone and I’m not casual. I fall hard if I fall, but I’m constantly afraid, even long after I should be secure. History has shown me that nearly everyone leaves and that caring is never enough.
I’ve spent my life caring only for people to be careless with my heart and affection.
I don’t understand dishonesty. Lies are unnecessary and harmful. Just be genuine and authentic.
It’s not that hard to be who you really area
So I have walls and baggage and forts and armor, but if you get through all that somehow, and I love you, you’ll never have to doubt it.

 

[Jada59]

I'm generally that way with anyone unless they seem to be giving me a reason not to. Sometimes things just don't come up. It's not like I'm hiding anything. It's just that the conversation never veered in that direction but if it does, then I'll talk about whatever it is.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Thank you everyone for joining in the discussion.

I'm busy with real life at the moment (newborn puppies!), but I'm reading along, and I'll contribute when I get a chance.

Something to think about: transparency as both an innate quality, hard-wired into a person's temperament, and a skill that can be learned and utilized at will. Which do you identify with more? Which are you more comfortable with?

 

[barefootgirl69]

I am transparent, but not to everyone.

I learned a long time ago that you can't show everything to everyone without it being used against you. The people in my life I am friends with get the real me. That doesn't mean I won't be honest with people because I am. I'm just guarded depending on the situation.

This ^^^

Especially online. I learned the hard way to be guarded with what I share online. It doesn't mean I'm not honest or transparent, it simply means some people I know and trust more than others.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

I can be transparent with a partner. I want that, I need it, I crave the intimacy that comes with that kind of sharing.

But with women? That's a whole different ball game.

Close up, I can do it in very short bursts, but then I need a LOT of space to recover before I can do it again. (Now might be a good time to mention that I have six daughters, so I am already doing this - all day, every day - with them)

It's much easier for me to do it at a bit of a distance. On threads, on FB, etc. The buffer allows me to share more, or over a longer period of time, before I need to retreat and decompress.

It's not because the women in my life don't mean enough to get that from me, it's because they mean so much that the closeness is overwhelming. That can be hard to explain to someone, especially since I am still learning to understand it myself.

So I try to do what i can, work with what I've got. There is certainly room for improvement!

One tool that has been helpful is the knowledge that I am naturally highly sensitive, that I was made this way, and that it has both pros and cons. Tops on my reading list is this:

https://www.amazon.com/Highly-Sensitive-Person-Elaine-Aron-ebook/dp/B00GT1YES8

Slowly, slowly, I am learning my limits in different areas, learning to do boundaries and self-care, leading how to talk to other people about it, and learning not to feel guilty, because that only acts as a road block to making progress.

Whew! I'm pooped! Time for a break.

 

[PleasePeesMe]

I would love to be

I would love to tell my wife everything. My innermost feelings, my secret desires. But when I told her, a few years ago, about my burgeoning bi-curiosity and my desire to share a cock with her, it was a catastrophe. And I don't believe our marriage has ever completely recovered. My fault, of course. It wasn't what she signed up for.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

I would love to tell my wife everything. My innermost feelings, my secret desires. But when I told her, a few years ago, about my burgeoning bi-curiosity and my desire to share a cock with her, it was a catastrophe. And I don't believe our marriage has ever completely recovered. My fault, of course. It wasn't what she signed up for.

Hi!

One of the things I've learned at Lit is that a lot of the things that women partners tend to be afraid of simply aren't true. We tend to take things personally, and see every 'failure' in our relationships as our fault.

What is she afraid of? That you don't find her appealing any more, and that's why your interest has turned to cock? That she's not enough for you? That you never wanted her in the first place?

Perhaps if she can be transparent with you (and herself) enough to talk about it, you may be able to reassure her of your affections, and help her to find an area in which she does feel safe enough to explore and experiment.

I personally don't think I would have a hard time with a partner who was bi, -curious or heteroflexible or whatever. But as kinky as I am, there are still kinks that don't work for me. I'm hoping that any future partners will be able to be open with me from the start and we can work out those issues sooner rather than later in our relationship.

 

[LikeableMe]

I’m truthful and honest, sometimes more than I should be. I put other people’s hearts above my own. I am a loyal friend and if you hurt those close to me I won’t forget it.
But I’m cautious with my heart. I am not for everyone and I’m not casual. I fall hard if I fall, but I’m constantly afraid, even long after I should be secure. History has shown me that nearly everyone leaves and that caring is never enough.
I’ve spent my life caring only for people to be careless with my heart and affection.
I don’t understand dishonesty. Lies are unnecessary and harmful. Just be genuine and authentic.
It’s not that hard to be who you really area
So I have walls and baggage and forts and armor, but if you get through all that somehow, and I love you, you’ll never have to doubt it.

You sound exactly like me. I fall hard too, and end up disappointed every single time. I’m beginning to wonder what is wrong with me!

Transparency is something I am very concerned about right now. Every time I go through a hard time, people I thought were friends walk away. I came to expect it, and stopped making connections with people. I don’t feel able to handle the pain, with everything else I’ve had in my life the past year. In one instance, a childhood friend of over twenty years just started ignoring me after my mum passed away. Twenty years of friendship just evaporated. That burn has left a big scar.

When I truly care for someone, they get all of me. I will push all of my boundaries and work very hard to make sure my issues from the past aren’t a factor. It takes me a while to trust, but when I do, I really do give a lot. Probably too much, as I end up used and discarded.

I probably shouldn’t be attempting to type about this issue that is close to my heart right now, as I am up early and very groggy and tired, waiting for a repairman. It’s a shame they don’t repair broken hearts too!

 

[Jada59]

I would love to tell my wife everything. My innermost feelings, my secret desires. But when I told her, a few years ago, about my burgeoning bi-curiosity and my desire to share a cock with her, it was a catastrophe. And I don't believe our marriage has ever completely recovered. My fault, of course. It wasn't what she signed up for.

Very sorry. Although I've never been in that situation, my former FWB was bi. He didn't keep that a secret and it didn't bother me. It has been a fantasy of mine to be with two men. Not sure I would actually really do it though. But I do think if such a situation would come up, I would at least be open to discussing it with him.

In my case, my ex led me to believe that he loved sex. But apparently he did not. At least not after marriage. It got to the point where nothing I did or didn't do was right for him. He just operated from a standpoint of anger and dissatisfaction. And he tried to make me feel bad about myself for simply being who I was. He knew who I was. It's just that for some weird reason, he wrongly assumed that I would change into some other person the minute we got married.

He wanted a wife that wanted nothing for herself, would keep in the background and just do whatever he wanted. Such as cooking or cleaning. But no sex. No affection. No friends. No family. No phone calls. Not even talking to anyone, including him. And that is sooo not me!

I remember the day when I got so fed up that I told him if he wasn't going to treat me well, then I would simply spend my time with people who did. And I did exactly that.

I did give him numerous chances to try work through things! He lied his way through many sessions of marriage counseling, always trying to control things and never giving me a chance to speak to the counselor. We actually tried several different counselors.

I remember the first time we went to one of them. She asked him what he thought the problem was and he answered, "Sex!" I merely opened my mouth wide and eyes wide as well. He immediately changed the subject and began stammering. Somehow I think if he told the marriage counselor that his wife had the nerve to want sex, it wouldn't have gone so well for him!

At any rate, our entire marriage was nothing but a series of lie after lie coming from him. I have since learned that he did in fact cheat on me not once but repeatedly. I had already figured that out based on the number of times he didn't come home, charges to the credit card for motel/hotel rooms, a giant pair of purple panties (and I do mean giant) that just appeared in the basement. Earrings found in the vehicle that didn't belong to me. And no, he didn't have pierced ears. There was other stuff too. But I don't feel like writing a novel. Every time I questioned these things, he just laughed and told me I was crazy.

He finally filed for divorce! That was a happy day for me! And would you believe he tried to reconcile with me right before we went to mediation! I had to laugh. He said he would give me one more chance! Like I had done something wrong. Well... I guess I did. I married him! Hahaha.

I guess where I am going with all of this is that you can't have a good relationship without good communication. It simply doesn't work if one person is honest and open and the other does nothing but play games and lie.

 

[PrettyLilPussy]

I'm all over the place here.
First I wasnt at all transparent. Then, I was too transparent.
Both were hurtful
Now, it's just a matter of trust and interest. I say I'm an open book but you have to ask. I won't just share information or feelings with someone who is unwilling to ask for them.
And there are some things I don't openly discuss with many people at all, especially heavier subjects because I never want someone to have to be burdened with my shit.

 

[GiggLeGasm]

I am honest. I am not always vulnerable.
To me, it's the vulnerable that makes a relationship special.. and that takes a lot of trust for me. Oddly, the people who taught me the most about it were probably my patients who would bring it out in some strange twist on compassion. There would be this need to connect because sometimes being human was the only thing I could truly offer.

Now, even when I can't be vulnerable, I try to be human.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

I am honest. I am not always vulnerable...

This is good, I like this a lot.
It's not always appropriate, or prudent to be vulnerable.

I try to be vulnerable on my 'issue' threads - chubby tummy, etc. There's a purpose there, people who may benefit from knowing they're not alone. I am sometimes transparent about my pain. Well, usually, because when I try to keep it inside, it does all kinds of bad things to me. But I don't always write about it publicly at any length.

I did last night, on Fet, and within minutes a woman I'd never seen before 'loved' my writing and commented on how much she could relate to it. Which, after having really been struggling with my emotions lately, felt like confirmation that sharing this dark moment in my life journey was the right thing to do.

 

[IsItBad]

unguarded

i tried this for quite some time in my marriage
"honey, lets just be perfectly honest and talk about any and everything"
it was the longest one way street ever
i finally realized that it was not/is not that she doesn't want to divulge any and everything
its not that she is hiding sordid secrets or harboring smoldering fantasies
what it honestly is is......there is very little that she is thinking about to start with
after a long time of trying to be "unguarded"...….open......somewhat vulnerable
i finally concluded that it was really just an exercise for me that was accomplishing nothing but sometimes making me feel sort of embarrassed.....
nothing like trotting out some deeply harbored belief, thought, or fantasy that you have put a lot of thought into to have someone say.....uh huh......do you need anything from Walmart?
so - finally - we come to the point where we live in the superficial.....where innermost thoughts are shared with people in places like this.....where we think we already know everything there is to say (i guess) and so we just don't say anything

 

[IsItBad]

Very sorry. Although I've never been in that situation, my former FWB was bi. He didn't keep that a secret and it didn't bother me. It has been a fantasy of mine to be with two men. Not sure I would actually really do it though. But I do think if such a situation would come up, I would at least be open to discussing it with him.

In my case, my ex led me to believe that he loved sex. But apparently he did not. At least not after marriage. It got to the point where nothing I did or didn't do was right for him. He just operated from a standpoint of anger and dissatisfaction. And he tried to make me feel bad about myself for simply being who I was. He knew who I was. It's just that for some weird reason, he wrongly assumed that I would change into some other person the minute we got married.

He wanted a wife that wanted nothing for herself, would keep in the background and just do whatever he wanted. Such as cooking or cleaning. But no sex. No affection. No friends. No family. No phone calls. Not even talking to anyone, including him. And that is sooo not me!

I remember the day when I got so fed up that I told him if he wasn't going to treat me well, then I would simply spend my time with people who did. And I did exactly that.

I did give him numerous chances to try work through things! He lied his way through many sessions of marriage counseling, always trying to control things and never giving me a chance to speak to the counselor. We actually tried several different counselors.

I remember the first time we went to one of them. She asked him what he thought the problem was and he answered, "Sex!" I merely opened my mouth wide and eyes wide as well. He immediately changed the subject and began stammering. Somehow I think if he told the marriage counselor that his wife had the nerve to want sex, it wouldn't have gone so well for him!

At any rate, our entire marriage was nothing but a series of lie after lie coming from him. I have since learned that he did in fact cheat on me not once but repeatedly. I had already figured that out based on the number of times he didn't come home, charges to the credit card for motel/hotel rooms, a giant pair of purple panties (and I do mean giant) that just appeared in the basement. Earrings found in the vehicle that didn't belong to me. And no, he didn't have pierced ears. There was other stuff too. But I don't feel like writing a novel. Every time I questioned these things, he just laughed and told me I was crazy.

He finally filed for divorce! That was a happy day for me! And would you believe he tried to reconcile with me right before we went to mediation! I had to laugh. He said he would give me one more chance! Like I had done something wrong. Well... I guess I did. I married him! Hahaha.

I guess where I am going with all of this is that you can't have a good relationship without good communication. It simply doesn't work if one person is honest and open and the other does nothing but play games and lie.

this sad story is somewhat my story in reverse role.....we even met actually chatting about sex and the lack thereof with our respective partners or past partners......that was our initial point of agreement....oh yes....married couples should never need to go elsewhere....people should take care of each other...marriage means loving someone enough to want to satisfy their physical needs like any other needs....etc etc etc...….

i can only say she totally duped me.....as we did have sex like crazy in the beginning....and it was pretty good....and she was hot and beautiful.....and then one day we got married......and within just a few months it was like an entirely different relationship …...as if she was not even the same person

we did try to be totally honest in the beginning ….but ...honestly, she couldn't be honest.....not that she was/is a liar ….more that she just can not say the words of the truth about many things......she will carry her secrets to the grave (i guess) …..or maybe she has secret friends she shares everything with......i am not a stalker or spy so i have no idea really

all i know is that now we live in that hall sex way, we are nice to one another....cordial maybe.....and i think the neighbors think we are the perfect couple.....and, generally, now, i think its just too late to try all over again...…