Leahaven

[LeaHaven]

I am getting a lot of requests for updates and more than a few have suggested that I start my own thread. I am nervous about doing this, but I will give it a try. I hope I am posting this in the right forum, and for those who are wondering, "Who's Leahaven?" Here is some backstory. I will also cut and paste some past posts of mine to help people understand what is going on. And once again, I want to say "thank you" to those who have provided advice. You already know that my marriage would still be in the dysfunctional zone if it were not for you.

My name is Leah. I am 28 years old, and Robbie (not his real name) and I have been married for about 3 years. I joined Lit on Sep 26, 2023. I had been lurking in the forums for a few months by then, reading about sexual things I never could have imagined. Robbie and I are from a rural, sparsely-populated county, and both of us have very, very conservative parents. We met in the 6th grade, and we have been best friends ever since, mostly because our parents are so similar. We were always taught that sex was sinful, and so we avoided it and everything about it. Then we got married. Suffice it to say, our sex life was clumsy, to put it mildly. Over time, it made our relationship so awkward that I began to wonder if we should even be married. Then, by pure chance, I found Literotica, and I began to read posts describing things that sounded just like Robbie. I was like, "WTF? Other guys do this?"

At this point, everything has changed. I will cut and paste some of my past comments, so you know where we are now, and then I will continue to update this thread as often as possible.

I hope it is ok if I do this. Someone please tell me if I am "out of bounds" or something.

 

[LeaHaven]

This seems to be all my husband wants anymore. I like it, and I know he just wants to please me, but some penetration would be nice every once in a while. I know I need to tell him, but I am not sure how to bring up the subject.

From the thread, "Pussy worship."

 

[LeaHaven]

I'm sorry I ran off. When I found these forums, I thought maybe I could find someone to talk to. My husband and I have been married for only 2 years, and our sex life has been "clumsy." That's the only way I know how to explain it. But he's my best friend, and I've known him since the 6th grade, and now everything's gotten weird, and I don't know how to handle it. We've been inseparable best friends for so many years, and now it's like I don't know who he is or what he wants anymore. I've never had a problem I couldn't overcome, and now I'm just completely and utterly lost. I need someone to talk to, but I can't walk up to my mom or a friend and begin discussing my sex life. It's an impossible and frustrating situation.

Sorry for rambling.

From the thread, "Pussy worship."

 

[LeaHaven]

I have been trying to build up the courage to answer your questions. I will try.

It most often feels weird during sex, but not always. If we go out and there are other guys around, he makes these comments that make me very uneasy. I usually respond in a way that is not very nice, and it ruins the mood, and we both go quiet. I can't talk about that in more detail out here, but in these forums I have been reading people posting similar ideas. At least I have that to consider, but Holy God! - there is stuff out here that is totally bizarre! If we are having a normal conversation, we get along like we always did. We talk mostly about work and friends and what we might be doing next.

Our sex life is now almost always him giving me oral. Every time he asks me if I had an orgasm, and I always tell him I did, but how do I know when I've had an orgasm? I've read about it online, but different sites say different things. It feels good. Sometimes it feels really good. Is that on orgasm? How long should it take for me to have an orgasm? Because on the rare occasion that we fuck, it doesn't last very long. But how long should it last? We don't make it into any ranges I've read so far, and I know that makes him very self-conscious. I tell him it was great, but he goes quiet. We really don't know how to discuss our sex life.

I know I am the dumbest girl in the world when it comes to sex, but my parents are very conservative and overly protective. His parents are ultra conservative. I was not allowed to have a cell phone until I was a senior in high school, so it probably comes as no surprise that he and I were virgins when we got married.

I could never sit across from a therapist and discuss my sex life. I can't even discuss it with my husband.

I am sorry to have written so much, but these forums are the only time i have ever talked about this with anyone. Thank you for listening.

From the thread, "Pussy worship."

 

[LeaHaven]

How would I take charge of his orgasms? I don't know what that means.

From the thread, "Pussy worship."

 

[LeaHaven]

After I read your post, I went on a quest, and I have read about FLR on many different websites. There is a wikihow that talks about it in a forthright manner. It talked about how the woman makes the decisions, the woman is often the breadwinner, and the woman leads the marriage. This is already us, and it's one topic I have discussed with a close friend. I have tried to get my husband to take more ownership in our marriage, but I think he feels intimidated because I have a white-collar type of job, and I am more educated. It upsets me because I married him for who he is, and I do not need him to be more than that. I want everyone to know that he is no deadbeat. He works a job, he maintains the house and our yard and the cars, and he does volunteer work with our church, but he doesn't want anything to do with like banking or investment decisions, future planning, vacation planning, what to do on the weekends, or any of that. It's all up to me. I control most things for us, but controlling his orgasms? I don't know about that. I can't imagine he would be OK with that, but I never thought I would be taking the lead in our sex life - which now looks inevitable.

Thank you for your posts, NancyPen. I have a lot to think about.

From the thread, "Pussy worship."

 

[LeaHaven]

I think you're talking about me.

My dad would not allow any kind of discussion about sex at home. We never talked about it, except after one incident when I was a sophomore in high school. A girl at the school got pregnant, and the way he talked about her was very unfair and really awful. It scared me, and I felt sorry for her, because I know my dad wasn't the only person who thought of her in that way. It was just another thing in my childhood that made me stay as far away from sex as possible. I wanted to please my parents, and I knew that staying away from sexual content was what they wanted. And I never wanted people throwing words at me like they threw at that poor girl.

There were times when someone would pull up a sex video on their phone, but to me those videos were always offensive. I could never bring myself to watch much more than a few seconds. That made me not want to look that stuff up on my own, although I couldn't have until I was a senior. I wasn't allowed to have a cell phone or a laptop until then. And besides, if my dad found out, he would have exploded.

I knew about LGBTQ, and I knew people who were gay, but even to this day, I don't understand it all. Things like "pansexual." I don't know what that means.

I found this site about a month ago, and there are things talked about in these forums I could never have imagined. But I know I am not alone. There were others like me at school. There weren't many of us, but as embarrassing as it is to admit it, we exist. I wish things had been different, because now I am married, and our sex life is kinda fucked up, and that is making everything between us awkward.

There is so much more I could say, but I think I've said enough. In this day and age, yes, a person can grow up very sexually sheltered.

From the thread, "Is it realistic to have sexually sheltered young people."

 

[LeaHaven]

I am totally new to this kind of topic, so I hope this does not sound stupid.

My husband and I were virgins when we got married 2 years ago. It is embarrassing admitting that, but we both have very conservative parents who to this day still try to direct our lives. My husband works construction, hard days and strenuous work in all types of hard weather. In every way he looks and lives the part of the aggressive, masculine male, and all his friends are the same. But at home and in our marriage, he wants me to be "the boss." In a way, I always have been, because he has always deferred decisions to me. Up until about a year ago, I pushed this idea away. It is not the traditional marriage. But we were becoming distant, and our sex life was really awkward (still kind of is), so I decided to consider his ideas. It has taken some getting used to, but so far it is working out ok. There are things he wants of me that I am not sure I will ever do, but our relationship is much better than it was.

He likes me to be bossy and have things my way. I am still learning how to do that, but I am no longer afraid to give it a go. For example, I have not cooked dinner in months. I make him do it, and I tell him what I want to eat each night. He seems to really like that, and he cleans up the kitchen afterwards.

I have to go. He's coming

From the thread, "A question to dominant women regarding submissive/feminine males"

 

[LeaHaven]

I am not satisfied with our sex life. That is probably not a secret, but I don't think he knows the extent

And I am tired of having to do all the work

From the thread, "Deepest Darkest Secret your spouse/partner doesn't know!!!

 

[LeaHaven]

As crazy as it sounds, he wants me to look elsewhere. When I found Lit and other guys were on here saying they wanted their wife to have sex with another man, I learned that my husband was not alone. I read these forums for hours and hours trying to figure it all out.

From the thread, "Deepest Darkest Secret your spouse/partner doesn't know!!!

 

[LeaHaven]

That makes sense. I think he wants to do better, but he does not last very long at all, and it embarrasses him. He can see my disappointment sometimes, and I am ashamed to say that I have not been too good at hiding it, and that has made matters worse. Sometimes I think he is so nervous before we start that it is a foregone conclusion. Everything I read says he will get better with time, but it has been 2 years. How long does it take? Nothing I try works, but what is more frustrating is that I do not see him trying. He just keeps dropping suggestive comments about other guys, which get really annoying sometimes. And so here I am, venting on Literotica in the middle of the night. Lame.

From the thread, "A question to dominant women regarding submissive/feminine males"

 

[LeaHaven]

Idk, but a lot of the guys at work flirt. I told my husband about it once over a year ago, and he said I should flirt back. I told him that was not going to happen, but as time has progressed and I get to know these guys better, sometimes I do flirt back. I used to feel bad about it, but I don't feel that way anymore.

From the thread, "Deepest Darkest Secret your spouse/partner doesn't know!!!

 

[LeaHaven]

I used to think watching porn was totally perverted, but my husband talked me into watching some, and over time, I got to liking some of it. Then he started giving me oral while "we" watched. When he began doing this, I felt completely selfish, because he insisted on only pleasing me. But now I don't feel selfish at all. He kept saying he "wants to serve me" (his words), so I eventually quit fighting it. Now I tell him what night and what time, and when that time comes, I sit back and enjoy his service. Things have changed a lot in this house.

From the thread, "Cunnilingus while she is watching porn"

 

[LeaHaven]

I wish I understood this fetish better. I know this is what my husband wants, but it feels degrading and so opposite of matrimony. When I was away at college, we did not see each other much, and when we did, he would like imply or ask if I had been seeing other guys. It really hurt my feelings, but I kind of see it in a different light now. Not like I am going to do anything like this, but I see it as a fantasy of his that does not see me as a bad person. That probably sounds stupid, but like I said, I am still trying to understand this fetish. If there was anything I could get him to talk about, instead of all the innuendo, this would be it. I have read so many of these kinds of threads, but it still sounds so bizarre. It is like some guys want their wife to be bad, and that is a good thing. Is that it?

From the thread, "Discovering your wife or girlfriend having an affair"

 

[LeaHaven]

Oh, we have never come even close to discussing any thing like that. He just makes comments and innuendo. Last weekend we ate lunch at a little Greek restaurant, and when we sat down at the table he told me that some guys were checking me out as we walked in. I turned around to look, and he was like, "Leah! Don't look now!" So, WTF? While we were eating, he kept looking over there, and he said, "You should have sat on this side so they can see you." I used to roll my eyes at that stuff, but now I'm like, "Hey! If that's what he wants!" So I flat out told him, "I should have," and I meant it.
When it comes to sex, my husband has never come out and said what he wants, and I don't think he ever will. I am trying to lead us in the direction that is enjoyable for both of us. I am also trying to decide where I, personally, want to draw the lines. I don't want to be Ms. Goody Tushu anymore. I don't. But I don't want to go too far either. Is this path a minefield and something might blow up, or is it a maze, and if I hit a wall I can turn around and go back? I don't know.

I said earlier in this thread that I was afraid of what people might think of me in this "other guy" situation, but I just responded to a DM and I told that person that what I am afraid of most is that if I start having sex with other guys, then he is going to want to have sex with other girls, and I am NOT OK with that. I will NEVER be OK with that.

I hope I am not writing too much in this thread. If I am, someone please tell me.

 

[LeaHaven]

I think I am getting the hang of it, but in a way I feel kind of bad. When I think back I can see that he's been telling me what he wants since forever. But that didn't fit the picture I had created in my head so long ago, so I never really listened to him. I kept trying to make our marriage fit the picture in my head. But the picture in my head wasn't necessarily what I wanted either. It was a picture that had been painted by my upbringing. People on here were telling me things that were exactly like what my husband was saying, and that really caught my attention. I wondered, "How could they know so perfectly?" But where my husband jokingly tossed out innuendo, people on here came right out and said, "He wants you to..." They even told me how to do it.

One day we had a really bad fight, and I was beginning to honestly think we were not meant to be married. I kept wondering, "what happened? How could we go from being the best of friends to enemies? All we did was get married. What changed?" I gave that question real thought, and the only thing that changed was that we had begun having sex. As soon as that hit me, I remembered people on here saying, "He wants you to..." I was at my wits end, so I tried what people on here said I should try. It would be more accurate to say I dipped a toe in, and I don't even remember specifically what I did, but I remember thinking, "I think that worked." But it didn't just work, it seemed so effortless.

Here I am writing a whole story again. Sorry.

If I look back only a year ago, this marriage was in serious trouble. We are having fun now. It is like now we have a this secret world we live in, that no one knows about, and it gives us a desire to be together. Each day is like a new opportunity to see what happens next. We can't wait to see what happens next. It is so much fun!

OK, I will stop writing now.

From the thread, "Let's talk about gentle femdom"

 

[LeaHaven]

It is getting easier, but when I first started in these forums I had never heard of half of everything I read. Much of it sounded totally bonkers. One time I was in here and saw a picture of a guy's stuff in a cock cage, and I was like, WTF!!?? But now most of the shock value has worn off. I think it is bc I kind of "get" the context. A cock cage doesn't seem insane anymore. It looks more like an option.

From the thread, "Let's talk about gentle femdom"

 

[LeaHaven]

I wrote in another thread on here somewhere that I purchased a cock cage for my husband. He does not know that. He will find out on Christmas Eve when he unwraps his presents. I will make sure he opens that present last. I put a note in the box with it that says, "Enjoy your freedom until 2025 begins, because at midnight on New Year's, I'm locking you up."

This is a really big step for us, and I am very nervous. Please wish me luck!

From the thread, "Boys why do you crave submission."

 

[LeaHaven]

He and I don't talk about sex. He only throws out innuendo and comments about me and other guys and stuff like that. He avoids fucking, bc he cums fast and it embarrasses him, so I mostly only get oral sex, and then I may or may not jerk him off as he sits up in bed. Sometimes I tell him he is not allowed to cum or he has to do it himself. That is more of a recent thing, and since we don't talk about any of this, I have to gauge his reaction. But that is pretty easy to do. Before all this our sex life had almost become nonexistent, bc neither one of us knew what to do. Now we have sex often. Tbh, it is all an experiment, but it is working. For so long he has said that he wants me to be the boss of everything. I always thought that I already was the boss of everything, but after reading these forums, I realized that I was not the boss in our sex life. So, I became the boss in the bedroom, too. I got a lot of help on that, on what to do, from people on here. That's why I bought the cage.

I have already decided that on the day after he opens the box and finds the cage (Christmas Day), I will tell him that I will leave it on the island in the kitchen. If it is gone the next day, I am ok with that. If it is still there, then I have some definite plans for our future. That will give him a way out without having to face me.

That was a long answer to a simple question.

I write too much, don't I?

From the thread, "Boys why do you crave submission."

 

[LeaHaven]

For the first 18 months of our marriage, my husband and I lived in an apartment. The bedroom on the opposite side of the back wall of our bedroom belonged to a 26-year-old girl named Julie. She was single, and she had a different guy over like every month. Some were one night stands, others would stay for a few days, a few guys were apparently fwb's, but when they had sex, we could hear it through the wall. With many of the guys it was hard, vigorous thrusting, and we could hear the bed squeak, the headboard "smack, smack, smack" against the wall, and Julie crying out, "Oh! Oh! Oh!." it was not unusual for this to go on twice in a night. Sometimes it would wake us up at like 3:00 AM, and the sex would go on for a good long while.

I could tell it always embarrassed my husband, because our sex was always calm and very, very brief. I am sure he knew that while we were lying there listening to Julie get fucked into the next day, I was so wishing I was her. Several times, Julie had two guys at the same time. Hearing that made me so aroused my hands were trembling. My husband talked about her being a slut, but I was so envious!

I met her in the complex laundromat one day, and after that, we would stop and talk anytime we saw each other. I always wanted to ask her how she managed to meet all the guys, but of course I didn't. She was kind of shy and quiet, just the opposite of what I expected. When we moved out of the complex, I lost touch with her. Now I regret that.

From the thread, "I get aroused listening to my roommate and her boyfriend having sex. Am I weird?"

 

[LeaHaven]

I left the cage out (it was in a box) in the kitchen like I said I would. When I got up on the morning of Dec. 26, it was still there. I was a little surprised to find it still there, but I was also aroused by it. We were actually going to do this.

Neither of us said anything about it until the afternoon of New Year's Eve. We did not have any plans to go out or anything, so that afternoon I reminded him that I wanted us to stay up until midnight. He knew why, but he didn't say anything, and the moment felt a little awkward. But things got worse. We were sitting on the couch, watching the festivities on TV. I had set the box with the cage in it on the coffee table in front of us. At the stroke of midnight, I opened the box and pulled out the cage. But when he opened his robe, he was as hard as a carrot, and I could not get the cage on him. He tried to force it on, but I was afraid he was going to hurt himself, and I told him to stop. I did not know how to deal with the situation, and my mind started racing, and I began to wonder if I had made a mistake and bought the wrong size. In the end, I felt like a complete idiot, and I was convinced that our sex life was jinxed. With red faces and huge disappointment, we went to bed. We did not even wish each other happy new year.

The next day, we went out to lunch (we do that a lot). We were riding along in the car, not much talking, when he said, "I got it on this morning."

I wasn't sure I heard him correctly, and I turned to him.

"You got it on?"

He nodded.

"You're wearing it now?" I asked.

He wouldn't look at me, he just nodded.

My heart skipped a beat, and I felt this visceral, overwhelming sense of power. My husband's cock was locked up in a metal cage, and I held the key! I felt like I owned him. I was boss. There was no more doubt. It was so arousing!

We continued along without talking with a sexual tension in the car that was insane. The feeling didn't go away all afternoon, and at the restaurant, I told HIM to clean up after us. "And get me some more tea," I said, holding out my cup. I've never felt like this before. OMG! I am afraid I like it too much!

When we got in bed that night, we sat up against the headboard for a few minutes on our phones. I set mine aside and told him I wanted to see (the cage on him). To see it...OMG!! I could hardly believe it!! His cock was straining against the metal. He was having an erection (or trying to) inside the thing! I can't tell you how incredibly arousing that was!! I unlocked him and began to stroke him, and he almost instantly ejaculated all over himself. I didn't get any relief that night, but the sexual tension throughout the day was the most wonderful feeling I have ever experienced.

Last night we went out with friends. Between him and me, we both knew who was who, and even without him being locked up, the sexual tension was there all over again. All I had to do was look at him from across the room.

He gave me oral pleasure last night to make up for leaving me wanting. He didn't get any relief.

Things are different now. Things are sooo different now.

From the thread, "Boys why do you crave submission."

 

[LeaHaven]

I think we have found "our thing." I have never known sexual tension like this before. This feeling of power. OMG it is intense! I think I might like it too much!

From the thread, "Boys why do you crave submission."

 

[LeaHaven]

This past Saturday night, when we had turned off the lights and laid down to go to sleep, in the dark I told Robbie to put his cage on in the morning. He was quiet for a minute or so, and then he said, "In the morning?" Because he realized that if he put it on in the morning, that meant he would be wearing it to church.

"Yes," I said. "In the morning."

The next day we were riding along in the car on our way to church, and I wanted to ask him if he had his cage on, but I had to build up the courage. There was a comment in these forums by someone talking about this sort of fetish, and he said something like, "she has to be strong." I have never forgotten that comment, and I thought about it in the car. I didn't look at Robbie, and I was very nervous, but I asked him, "Have you got cage on?"

"Yes."

OMG!! The rush I felt!! I can't even describe it! Once again, the sexual tension in the car was insane!!

When we were in church, the preacher was talking and I heard Robbie, next to me, slowly blow air out of pursed lips. I turned and saw him looking down with his eyes closed like he was in pain.

"Are you ok?" I asked.

He kind of gave me a look I can't really describe, like "this is your fault," and I realized he was having an erection inside his cage. Arousal filled me like warm liquor. People were all around us, and my husband's cock was locked in a cage. I couldn't get that thought out of my mind. I have never known sexual arousal like that before.

 

[LeaHaven]

Hi Lea, I'm sorry you are having troubles. Have you considered a couples therapist? It seems like you're in a basically loving relationship that could use some help with communication. Are you in the US? What state?

I have thought of therapy, but my husband would never agree to that. He has trouble discussing this stuff with me, so I know he would never discuss it with a stranger. And if his parents found out, they would blame it on me and it would make the whole situation worse. My parents would not like it either, but I don't feel the need to please them anymore. Thank God we moved away.

We live in the southeast US

 

[twister947]

I second couples therapy. If you are truly in charge, take charge.