LDR and BDSM

[dragonlace]

How many out there have been in a LDR and have gone to another Dominant for paddling/spanking/flogging type scene during times when the two of you cannot be together or during a time when you are unable to see one another? My Master and i have discussed it briefly because He knows and feels the need in me as it has been so long. I was just wondering if anyone out there has any thoughts on this or if anyone has attempted such a thing. I really need and want Him but wonder if going to another Dominant for just something of this nature is prudent. As He is a Dom, He would only want it to be a Domme or a female playmate. I was looking for more options and opinions of those who have been there or might have an idea what might help......thanks.

 

[MissTaken]

Geesh, there are pros and cons to that scenario and I wouldn't want to try to make your decision.

Having engaged in LDR's, it almost seems that if possible, wait until you can be together. In so doing, not only will your own pleasure be amplified, but I would imagine his would as well. Your hunger to be with him and be used by him would likely act as it's own aphrodisiac. (IMHO)

But, on the other hand, I have had play partners and it is much like scratching an itch you can't reach. It can be rewarding in the physical sense and if that is what you long for, give it some thought.

Best wishes,

 

[dragonlace]

Geesh, there are pros and cons to that scenario and I wouldn't want to try to make your decision.

Having engaged in LDR's, it almost seems that if possible, wait until you can be together. In so doing, not only will your own pleasure be amplified, but I would imagine his would as well. Your hunger to be with him and be used by him would likely act as it's own aphrodisiac. (IMHO)

But, on the other hand, I have had play partners and it is much like scratching an itch you can't reach. It can be rewarding in the physical sense and if that is what you long for, give it some thought.

Best wishes,

Thanks Miss T.......i really only want Him but i long for it so much that even He can feel the need and its just something we are discussing......personally i am not sure i could even go through with it because its Him i long for not someone else thats more why i wanted to get all the info i can if others have done it and it was ok or if others tried and it made it worse......thanks for the info...its greatly appreciated

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

I feel your pain there Dragonlace, being in a LDR myself. We are in an open relationship. However, I have never chosen to exercise my end of the "open" option. I'm just not interested in "playing" with anyone other than Him. *shrugs* I'd rather grit my teeth, and tough it out till the next visit. Frankly, it makes it that much sweeter.

For me, it's too hard to separate "playing" and submitting. I fall down into subspace so hard and so fast....it scares me sometimes. Of course...that's with Him. But would I do that with someone I didn't have a D/s relationship with? I don't know. I really don't want to find out...not without Him present to keep me safe.

We have been blessed with never having spent more than a couple of months apart.

I hope you find a solution to your problem

~anelize

 

[dragonlace]

I feel your pain there Dragonlace, being in a LDR myself. We are in an open relationship. However, I have never chosen to exercise my end of the "open" option. I'm just not interested in "playing" with anyone other than Him. *shrugs* I'd rather grit my teeth, and tough it out till the next visit. Frankly, it makes it that much sweeter.

For me, it's too hard to separate "playing" and submitting. I fall down into subspace so hard and so fast....it scares me sometimes. Of course...that's with Him. But would I do that with someone I didn't have a D/s relationship with? I don't know. I really don't want to find out...not without Him present to keep me safe.

We have been blessed with never having spent more than a couple of months apart.

I hope you find a solution to your problem

~anelize

Thanks Anelize.....it has been 6 months as of now and it looks as though i will not be able to see Him until march or april so we are trying to look at all the options......its been extremely hard these last few months and He just wants me to be happy even though just being with Him will make me happiest

 

[s'lara]

Popping in to wish lacey (as well as her Master and fellow sis') good luck. Hang in there.

lara

 

[dragonlace]

Popping in to wish lacey (as well as her Master and fellow sis') good luck. Hang in there.

lara

thanks s'lara *hugs* appreciate it

 

[Georgia Girl]

There is not that much distance between us, only two very demanding schedules that makes finding time a bit difficult sometimes.

Similar to Anelize, I choose to wait on my time with Him. My submission is His alone. That space in my head when I'm with Him is something that makes me too vulnerable to trust it to someone who doesn't know me as He does.

Best wishes Dragonlace, it can be a tough place to be. Hopefully the emotional bond and the grounding force of His voice can help you through.

 

[dragonlace]

There is not that much distance between us, only two very demanding schedules that makes finding time a bit difficult sometimes.

Similar to Anelize, I choose to wait on my time with Him. My submission is His alone. That space in my head when I'm with Him is something that makes me too vulnerable to trust it to someone who doesn't know me as He does.

Best wishes Dragonlace, it can be a tough place to be. Hopefully the emotional bond and the grounding force of His voice can help you through.

His voice, patience, love and understanding as well as looking to the future to a time when we can be together always, keeps me from falling over the edge. Lately too i look at what i do have instead of thinking about what i don't and what i am missing which helps alot. Thanks for the well wishes

 

[A Desert Rose]

How many out there have been in a LDR and have gone to another Dominant for paddling/spanking/flogging type scene during times when the two of you cannot be together or during a time when you are unable to see one another? My Master and i have discussed it briefly because He knows and feels the need in me as it has been so long. I was just wondering if anyone out there has any thoughts on this or if anyone has attempted such a thing. I really need and want Him but wonder if going to another Dominant for just something of this nature is prudent. As He is a Dom, He would only want it to be a Domme or a female playmate. I was looking for more options and opinions of those who have been there or might have an idea what might help......thanks.

Well, in my case this would never have been a possiblity. My previous Dom would not allow a surrogate, nor would I want one. It was Him and only Him, regardless of the distance and the rare times we were together. And He knew that I am not bi-anything so, I'm pretty sure that would not have been an option, either.

I can't give you an option or any opinions that support this activity. But I wish you both luck. We are not all the same, our relationships are different and how we deal with them is determined by the two in it... I certainly can't judge or tell you what will work for you and your Master.

 

[dragonlace]

Re: Re: LDR and BDSM

Well, in my case this would never have been a possiblity. My previous Dom would not allow a surrogate, nor would I want one. It was Him and only Him, regardless of the distance and the rare times we were together. And He knew that I am not bi-anything so, I'm pretty sure that would not have been an option, either.

I can't give you an option or any opinions that support this activity. But I wish you both luck. We are not all the same, our relationships are different and how we deal with them is determined by the two in it... I certainly can't judge or tell you what will work for you and your Master.

thanks any information helps me to make a better informed decision. Any ideas expressed can help to form a better idea about the whole topic. Seems to me so far that as hard as it is to wait it would be even harder to try the latter as i too want Him and only Him, He fills my heart and soul and i couldn't think of ever submitting to anyone but Him.

 

[Shadowsdream]

Be careful...

submission is more than play. Domination is more than play. IF you were in a relationship that you saw each other more often at least every other weekend My words of caution would be less or non existant.

6 months is an eternity and you may be looking at another six months. Every step you take in bottoming or submitting to a Dominant or Top outside of your primary relationship is one step closer to one step away from what you have at the moment.

To take this step you open yourself to conflict. Today you have internal conflict..tomorrow it could easily become external conflict as well.

When I travel I generally ask another Mistress that I trust to keep an eye on the slave...To invite him to attend BDSM events etc under Her watchful eye. But he is not allowed to play or submit to anyone but Myself...if he does it is immediate release.

I do believe that the BDSM community should still be his home and that his friends should include both submissives and Dom/mes. he is a submissive male and NEEDS to feel the power of Dominants in his space. I would never deny him that need for it is the breath that he breaths.

This advice is not directed at your relationship in particular but what you have outlined in general.

 

[catalina_francisco]

While we were waiting to finally become one, Master gave me the option of playing with others to satisfy the hunger, and also retained that option for himself. It didn't last long. I had many trustworthy D friends who were willing to accomodate the conditions while he was so far away, but I found myself putting it off until I finally realised it was just not a place I could go. My submission had to be physical and emotional, and limited to one to be fulfiling enough to fill the void. As with vanilla in the past, I realised more than one relationship on the go at the one time, no matter how casual, was too many to cope with emotionally and mentally.

Similarly, he had a play weekend arranged with a casual partner and friends prior to our commitment and felt compelled to hold to his agreement. He found it was not an enjoyable experience as it had been in the past, more a chore and long stretch which had him wishing he had cancelled, so he too opted to wait. Some people were not happy with his decision, but had to accept it. We just found no-one else could fill that need and the risk was not worth it.

I cannot tell you if it would be good for your relationship or not, but would encourage a lot of soul searching and deep honesty with yourself that cuts through the natural surface needs that are likely colouring your thoughts. Is understandable as LDR are never an easy place to be for either Dominant or submissive.

Catalina

 

[dragonlace]

Thanks to E/everyone for their help and ideas......i truely only want Him and will wait til eternity.....He was just thinking maybe it would be less difficult on me if i had someone to fill the gap so to speak.....if He were here and wanted me to play before Him it would be a simple thing but without Him i don't even think i can play. He has my heart and without Him there is nothing that will fill the void. Its His touch and His voice that excites me and no one could ever do that to me but Him.

 

[SweetDommes]

Speaking as a Dominant, I would never suggest that our boy(s) go elsewhere. I have done LDR with my girlfriend, with an open relationship, and I never found anyone worthy of playing with, even though I only got to see her once a month at most. We now have a boy and that will be a LDR as well (but not open) - we will see him... maybe every other weekend, I think is how his schedule works out ... And we feel that the wait makes it more special. It sucks, it's difficult, it's total torture ... and when we are together again, it will be that much more fun. I know that he would never go elsewhere, even if we told him that it was ok, because he feels the same as you - it's not the same without the special One(s) who own him.

 

[dragonlace]

Speaking as a Dominant, I would never suggest that our boy(s) go elsewhere. I have done LDR with my girlfriend, with an open relationship, and I never found anyone worthy of playing with, even though I only got to see her once a month at most. We now have a boy and that will be a LDR as well (but not open) - we will see him... maybe every other weekend, I think is how his schedule works out ... And we feel that the wait makes it more special. It sucks, it's difficult, it's total torture ... and when we are together again, it will be that much more fun. I know that he would never go elsewhere, even if we told him that it was ok, because he feels the same as you - it's not the same without the special One(s) who own him.

i have to agree about the wait being worth it but after this amount of time i may just explode on contact...lol but also i know it would never be as intense or special as when it is with Him for i would never be able to give myself to another as i do Him.

Thanks for the input

 

[Krinaia]

For me it's very much a touchy issue. Lately I've been feeling perhaps my submission is not as deep as others - but perhaps it is just that it is different. I'm not sure but I know that to me cheating is the ultimate betrayal. I had a friend whose father slept with another woman, if I'd been my friends mother - I would have likely been unable to forgive him. I think it would have shattered me. But I cannot truly know.

If my lover/dominant gave me permission to see others, I'd be hurt. It would hurt me to think I wanted someone else or that my feelings were less important that my need. And it would hurt even more that he wanted the option for himself. I think it is part of what used to be much deeper, self image issues. For a guy to admit he wanted another would have been to admit I wasn't enough.

Not to say I'm against dating around. I'm completely for that Hell I flirt like mad. But once the committment was made, an breach would likely be detrimental to the relationship - leading to a messy end. But I've never been in a committed relationship so it's hard for me to say. I can only predict how I would act. For all I know, I will be open and eager for an "open relationship" - my flirtiness may be hard to squelch.

I've been trying to understand such relationships - I'm finding it difficult to relate but I'm working on it. I know Anelize's willingness for the openness of her relationship amazes me. It makes me nod my head to her for having the strength of character she does. Not just because of that but because of other things I have read from her

I'm interested to read how others will react to this thread...

 

[SierraMoon]

lacey, i understand exactly how you feel!!

Sir and i only get to see each other about every other month or so. We've been lucky to get that much time together. After the new year, it's looking like that might become a bit scarce also.

i know in my heart that i could never submit to anyone else but Him, no matter how much my body craves the contact and control. i would agree with everyone else who said that the wait will be more than worth it, when you are able to finally be together again.

Best of luck to you!!!

 

[SweetDommes]

Not to say I'm against dating around. I'm completely for that Hell I flirt like mad. But once the committment was made, an breach would likely be detrimental to the relationship - leading to a messy end. But I've never been in a committed relationship so it's hard for me to say. I can only predict how I would act. For all I know, I will be open and eager for an "open relationship" - my flirtiness may be hard to squelch.

I've been trying to understand such relationships - I'm finding it difficult to relate but I'm working on it. I know Anelize's willingness for the openness of her relationship amazes me. It makes me nod my head to her for having the strength of character she does. Not just because of that but because of other things I have read from her

We had an open relationship, and technically, it is still open, because we are not monogomous ... however, we are faithful. Our boy, as I said before, is expected to play/scene/whatever with no one but us, and while we don't have to have his permission to play with others, we will have the courtesy to tell him (he knows about my current fuck buddy, not happy about it, but well ... he's the sub, I'm the Domme, and I was playing with the other boy before we had him). And I would never dream of playing with someone that Holly didn't know and like.

What it all boils down to is communication and honesty. I tell Holly when I'm going over to adam's, or if john is coming down (but that's not likely to happen again anytime soon), and she does the same for me. If she is upset with me about it, she tells me, and vice verce. As for the boy ... we tell him, and we know he's unhappy, but read the above comments. (And before anyone decides that I'm a cold-hearted bitch, I'm not intending for the fuckbuddy to be around much longer, I am not being mean to our boy )