Laughter is Contagious

[techsan]

The Hamper Dance

My friends hired a male stripper for my birthday party last year...

The guy starts throwing his clothes off, and asks me, "What are you thinking, babe?"

Apparently I've been married too long, because I said, "You ARE going to pick up after yourself, right?"

 

[pleaz_me]

There were two old men sitting on a park bench passing the day away talking.

One old man asked the other, "How is your wife?"

The second old guy replied, "I think she may be dead!"

The first man asked, "What do you mean you THINK she is dead?"

The second explained, "Well...the sex is the same but the dishes are starting to pile up."

hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe

 

[pleaz_me]

The After Life

The minister told an eighty-year-old woman that, at her age, she should be giving some thought to what he called "The hereafter."

She said to him, "I think about it many times a day."

"Oh, really?" said the minister. "That is very wise."

"It's not a matter of wisdom," she replied. "It's when I open a drawer or a closet, I ask myself, 'What am I here after?'"

Lol...........I do that now!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[pleaz_me]

The Gates

At the gates to heaven, a new arrival, George, noted that there were two paths, one marked 'Women', and one marked 'Men'...

He took the later path and found that it lead to two gates...

The gate on the right had a sign that read: "Men who were dominated by their Wives." The sign on the left read: "Men who dominated their Wives."

The right-hand gate had a long line of men waiting, but there was only one scrawny little fellow at the gate to the left.

George, before deciding which gate to go to, went over to the scrawny man and asked, "Why are you at this gate?"

The little fellow replied, "I don't know. My wife just told me to stand here."

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!​

 

[pleaz_me]

Flower Show

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

One leaned over and said, "Life is so darn boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower
show!"

"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill. The first fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause.

The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.

"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement."

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!​

I just got another one of those *funny* looks from the boss when I started LOL!

 

[kayte]

The Bus Stop!


Run your cursor over the people standing in line....


Thank you bluefoxlady.

 

[kayte]

The Hamper Dance

My friends hired a male stripper for my birthday party last year...

The guy starts throwing his clothes off, and asks me, "What are you thinking, babe?"

Apparently I've been married too long, because I said, "You ARE going to pick up after yourself, right?"

Good afternoon {{{{{{{{techsan}}}}}}}}}}

Thank you for the giggle sweetie!

 

[kayte]

Getting Old

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

LOL {{{{{{{techsan}}}}}}}}

Wondering how many actually do that?

 

[kayte]

Flower Show

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

One leaned over and said, "Life is so darn boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower
show!"

"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill. The first fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause.

The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.

"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement."

ROTHFLMAO!!!!

That is just great!

 

[Archangel_5607]

Two geezers are sitting in the lounge of their retirement home, complaining about the indignities of growing old.

“My hands shake so badly,” says the first guy, “that when I shaved this morning, I cut my face in four places.”

“That’s nothing,” says the second man. “My hands shake so badly that when I took a piss this morning, I came three times!”

 

[Archangel_5607]

For those of you with marriage on the rocks....and i dont mean ice


The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,” The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

 

[rozezwild]

You know you are a Redneck IF

Yes the new one is out! Brand new 2006 edition of.. "You know you're a
redneck when......."

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think the "nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

6. The salvation army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made
it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "cool whip" on
the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of
improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65

 

[rozezwild]

Flower Show

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

One leaned over and said, "Life is so darn boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower
show!"

"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill. The first fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause.

The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.

"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement."

OH freaking hell

 

[rozezwild]

Getting Old

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Good man

 

[rozezwild]

The Bus Stop!


Run your cursor over the people standing in line....


Thank you bluefoxlady.

OMG i was rolling

 

[rozezwild]

Two geezers are sitting in the lounge of their retirement home, complaining about the indignities of growing old.

“My hands shake so badly,” says the first guy, “that when I shaved this morning, I cut my face in four places.”

“That’s nothing,” says the second man. “My hands shake so badly that when I took a piss this morning, I came three times!”

*claps hand over mouth so that she dont wake the dead laughing*

 

[rozezwild]

For those of you with marriage on the rocks....and i dont mean ice


The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,” The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

*wicked chuckle* can i do that now even though he is an EX????

 

[techsan]

The Bus Stop!


Run your cursor over the people standing in line....


Thank you bluefoxlady.

That's hilarious {{{{{kayte}}}}}

Hope you're having a good day!

 

[techsan]

Two geezers are sitting in the lounge of their retirement home, complaining about the indignities of growing old.

“My hands shake so badly,” says the first guy, “that when I shaved this morning, I cut my face in four places.”

“That’s nothing,” says the second man. “My hands shake so badly that when I took a piss this morning, I came three times!”

ROFL...hey, Arch, that's an ADVANTAGE I hadn't thought of

 

[techsan]

Yes the new one is out! Brand new 2006 edition of.. "You know you're a
redneck when......."

...

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65

ROTFLMFAO ... roze, so many of those apply I guess I'm a redneck!

 

[techsan]

From rozezwild ...

Here are some optical issusions. In the first four, can you see one word ... or two?

In the last one, what is wrong with the sign?

 

[Lonely Knight]

A guy walks into the local welfare office for his monthly check. He marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. You know, I just hate coming in here drawing welfare month after month. I'd really much rather have a job". The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur-bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy says, "You're bullshitting me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

 

[Lonely Knight]

The boys in the Epperson family all acquired fine educations except for Edward. They made him go to school, but most of the time he just ignored what was said there. Yet there were rare moments when he could display a bit of curiosity. One day Edward was sitting at home looking at a magazine, and he said to his brilliant older brother, Hud, he said, "Hud, what does fox pass mean?"
Brother Hud gave the question some deep consideration and then said, "You must mean _faux_pas_."

"The way it's spelled," said dumb Ed, "it's fox pass."

Hud took a look at the way it was spelled and then said, "It's a French phrase -- it means a social blunder. Remember last Sunday when the Bishop came for dinner? Mother took him out in the garden and they were looking over the roses when the Bishop got stuck on the thumb by a thorn. It was bleeding quite a bit so Mother brought him in the house. They went into the bathroom together and stayed quite a while, and when they came out we all went to the dinner table. Remember all that, Ed?"

"Yeh."

"Now," Hud continued, "you recall that I was just getting to pass the gravy when Mother said, 'Bishop, does your prick still throb?' The gravy bowl flew out of my hands and hit the table, and the gravy splattered all over everyone. And just at that point you, Brother Edward, you hollered, 'Sheee-itt!' You remember that?"

"Yeh."

"Well, when you hollered 'Sheee-itt!' that was a _faux_pas_."

 

[techsan]

A guy walks into the local welfare office for his monthly check. He marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. You know, I just hate coming in here drawing welfare month after month. I'd really much rather have a job". The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur-bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy says, "You're bullshitting me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

LMAO...Good one, LK

 

[gimo33]

The local bar was so sure its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time, including the professional wrestlers and bodybuilders, but nobody could do it. One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing a tie and a pair of pants hiked up past his belly button. He said in a squeaky annoying voice, "I'd like to try the bet." Even the hillbilly chicks burst into laughter. After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "Ok," grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What did you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, weight lifter, or what?" The man replied, "I work for the IRS."