Laughter is Contagious V2

[Deleted member 3041612]

*bump*

 

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Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

 

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https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-9/183197050_5636432969762180_1188238684970937837_n.jpg?_nc_cat=100&ccb=1-3&_nc_sid=8bfeb9&_nc_ohc=a0VnjWy1F_oAX8uqZHM&_nc_ht=scontent-ort2-1.xx&oh=17263ef28716b48bdcb9f0d6a735a2ab&oe=60BCA7C5

 

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While sitting on the train one day, the man next to me started screaming, "Call me a doctor! Call me a doctor!"

I asked, "Are you sick?"

"No," he replied, "I just graduated from medical school."

 

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https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-9/184908764_10219180413356498_391472326445287668_n.jpg?_nc_cat=103&ccb=1-3&_nc_sid=825194&_nc_ohc=6ED6JK0g7qcAX-eSdHX&_nc_oc=AQn5t1FRA-xHtlYOqFfcZXOCk5PcpHjhxOBCejS6y2joSLct1Sy5BfCN_-pz7nDJAz7100gGukJD4mjF5rDpFMFE&tn=YisSCnHOnfj5R4WP&_nc_ht=scontent-ort2-1.xx&oh=11da28f50fb8138e736da57ca35dc863&oe=60C0D20D

 

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An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said:

"Dr. Geezer's Clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."

Mr. "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine,
thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Mr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Mr. Young: " Aaagh !! this is petrol!”

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Mr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Mr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Mr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, that is petrol!”

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500.”

Mr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Mr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak ---I can hardly see anything!!!!
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)

Mr. Young: "But this is only $10!

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back, that will be $500.”

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer". Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

 

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A real Oldie!

Dear Wife,
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.
You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.
Your EX-Husband.

P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!


Dear Ex-Husband,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that didn’t work.

I DID notice when you got a haircut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment.


And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica but when I got home you were gone.


Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.

 

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Joe sets up his friend Michael to go on a blind date with a friend of a friend of his. But Mike is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before. "What do I do if she's ugly?" says Mike, "I'll be stuck with her all night."

"Don't worry," Joe says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't just shout 'Aaaaaauuuggghhh!' and fake an asthma attack. That'll give you an excuse to cancel the date right then and there."

So that night, Mike knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is. He's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts:
.."Aaaaaauuuggghhh!"

 

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Our neighbor down the street posted this COMPLAINT:
Sorry, but I need to vent!!!!
I experienced the WORST customer service at a store in town yesterday,
I don't want to mention the name of the place yet because I'm not sure how I'm going to proceed. Last night I bought something from there, I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it didn't work. So today, less than 24 hours later I took it back to the store and asked if I could get a refund. The girl that was working told me “NO” even though I still had the receipt. I asked if I could get a replacement instead then, again - she flat out says "NO." I asked to talk to a manager because now I'm really not happy and I explained that I had just bought the item, had got it home and it was no good. The manager just smiled and told me to my face that I was "OUT OF LUCK." *
No refund.
No FREE replacement. Grrrrrrrrr. . . . . .
I''ll tell you what...I am NEVER buying another Lotto Ticket from there again .........EVER...............

 

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A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman
sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman seated over there' and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded his note, handed it to the waiter and asked him to deliver it to the lady.
It read:

'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be. I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8,
a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages. I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. And there is over twenty million dollars in my bank accounts and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back.'

 

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A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours."

The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."

 

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Two Strangers Play Golf

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked ifhe could join him.

The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first two holes.

The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched,

how about playing for five bucks a hole?"

The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00.

He then confessed that he was the pro at the neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.

Then the first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest. The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.

The Priest said, "You won fair and square, and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation of $80. And, if you want to, bring your Mother and Father along, and I will marry them."

 

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Quotes for the Daze

Those who have put out the peoples eyes reproach them for their blindness. -John Milton, 1642

Beliefs are hypotheses to be tested, not treasures to be guarded. -Tetlock and Gardner, Superforecasting p.127

Calm is contagious. -Rorke Denver, former SEAL commander

If you thinks you're too small, you've never been in a room in the dark with a mosquito.

For every metric, there should be another "paired" metric that addresses adverse consequences of the first metric.

Just because you're smart doesn't mean others are dumb. Sometimes, they accomplish that all on their own.

 

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Frank’s Injury

The best story of the year doesn't give the proper praise and credit for this painful but understandable story as told by a loving wife.
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer.
Suzie stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have some praise. Two months ago, my husband, Frank, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Frank must have experienced.
"Frank was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."
We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Frank's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place with metal staples."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Frank.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Frank is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Frank"
The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife that it was my sternum that got crushed."

 

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An amazing English 2 letter word

A reminder that one word in the English language that can be a noun, verb, adjective, adverb and preposition.
"UP"

Read until the end ..... you'll laugh.

This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.

At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to the task, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, the earth soaks it UP. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now . . . my time is UP!

Oh . . . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night? U P !

Did that one crack you UP?

Don't screw UP. Send this on to everyone you look UP in your address book . . .. or not . . . it's UP to you.

 

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A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

 

[VoraciousValue]

Johnny came home one night, went into the bedroom, and caught his wife wrong. I mean, DEAD WRONG! She was lying there in bed naked with the neighbor. She sat up, looked at Johnny, and said: "That's right! GO AHEAD AND STAND THERE AND BELIEVE YOUR GODDAMN LYING EYES!"

 

[VoraciousValue]

Thought for the day: A crowded elevator smells different to a midget.