Laughter is Contagious V2

[done_got_old]

Jim and Joe stop in front of a pastry shop and Jim says, "Let me show you how to get yourself a free snack."

Stepping through the door Jim reaches behind the counter a slips a big, frosted cookie into his coat pocket before the baker has a chance to look up and see what's going on.

Winking at Joe, Jim whispers, "What do you think about that?"

At that point the baker walks over and asks if he can help them. Joe winks back at Jim, then says to the baker, "I bet you a free cookie I can show you a magic trick you've never seen before."

The baker says, "If it's a good enough trick I guess it's worth a free cookie."

Joe says, "Watch this!" and takes a big, frosted cookie off the counter and munches away until it's gone. Then he says, "Ta-da!"

The baker leans over the counter and says in a menacing voice, "There better be one good magic trick coming up or you're going to be talking to the police."

Joe gives Jim grin and then says to the baker, "Just take a look in my friend's pocket."

 

[ga400us]

A pirate walks into a bar...

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said....

"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened?
You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit
with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded
a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "Can you lose an eye
just from bird shit?"

"It was my first day with the hook."

 

[done_got_old]

I'd been working on my business degree for about a year when I finally got to take a popular finance course. I went to the bookstore to buy the text and was shocked to find out that it would cost me $96. I asked how much it was worth if I sold it back at the end of the semester.

"You'll get $24," said the clerk.

"This is insane," I protested as I wrote out the check.

"I know," replied the clerk sympathetically. "I've always thought that a person who buys a finance book for $96 and then sells it back for $24 should fail the course."

 

[done_got_old]

A surgeon was invited to Thanksgiving dinner at a friend's house.

The host deftly carved the turkey and said, "I'd make a pretty good surgeon, don't you think?"

The surgeon replied, "Anybody can take it apart. Let's see you put it back together again."

 

[greeneyedvirgin]

Ralph and Martha had been married for forty years and every morning when Ralph woke up, he would fart, roll over and go back to sleep. And every morning Martha would say, "One of these days, you're going to fart your guts out."

One Thanksgiving as Martha was preparing the turkey she got an idea. She snuck upstairs, put the innards in Ralph's shorts and went back down stairs.

After several hours, Martha was starting to get worried when Ralph finally came down stairs, whiter than a sheet.

"You were right Martha, I finally farted my guts out! But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I got them back up in there!"

 

[done_got_old]

Ralph and Martha had been married for forty years and every morning when Ralph woke up, he would fart, roll over and go back to sleep. And every morning Martha would say, "One of these days, you're going to fart your guts out."

One Thanksgiving as Martha was preparing the turkey she got an idea. She snuck upstairs, put the innards in Ralph's shorts and went back down stairs.

After several hours, Martha was starting to get worried when Ralph finally came down stairs, whiter than a sheet.

"You were right Martha, I finally farted my guts out! But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I got them back up in there!"

Quite apropos.

 

[done_got_old]

Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of the church listening to a fiery preacher. When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out, "Amen, Brother!"

When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "You preach it, Reverend!"

And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and hollered, "RIGHT ON! TELL IT LIKE IT IS! AMEN!"

But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, "He's quit preaching and now he's just meddling."

 

[voyboyEC72]

A Roman Catholic priest is sitting in the confessional booth when he hears someone enter.
"Father, my name is Irving Goldstein and two months ago I married a six foot tall beautiful blonde woman with a 38-26-36 figure. We made love three times a day, every day for a month. Then her redheaded sister moved in with us. The sister is 5'11" with a 36-24-34 figure and she's been joining my wife and me when we have sex three times a day, every day."
The priest asks, "Did you say your name is Irving Goldstein and isn't that a Jewish name?"
Irving replies, "Yes and yes"
"Mr. Goldstein, I'm a Roman Catholic priest. Why are you telling ME aobut this?"
"Father, I'm telling EVERYBODY!"

 

[voyboyEC72]

What do a fat woman and a motor scooter have in common?
They're both fun to ride, but you don't want your friends to find out.

 

[done_got_old]

My sister and I were out on the town one night when we ran into a man I knew. "You're sisters?" he asked incredulously. "You look nothing alike.

Pointing to her nose and my chin, my sister said, "Different plastic surgeons."

 

[done_got_old]

Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, complaining of severe abdominal pains. We rushed to the emergency room, where they gave him a series of tests to determine the source of the pain.

My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we knew what was wrong. When the results came back, the nurse informed us that, true to our suspicions, he was suffering from a kidney stone.

I turned to my husband and asked, "Would you like me to call the funeral home now?"
With an alarmed look, the nurse quickly said, "Ma'am, he's not THAT sick!"

 

[done_got_old]

My wife has these days when she wants us to "talk about things."

On one of these occasions we were discussing our future so I asked her, "What would you do if I die before you do?"

After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house-sharing situation with two or three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.

Then she asked me, "What will you do if I die first?"

I replied, "Probably the same thing."

 

[done_got_old]

At the bar, Tom and Bill were talking. “My uncle tried to make a new kind of car. He took the wheels from a Cadillac, the radiator from a Lexus, and tires from a Ford," said Tom.

“What did he get?" asked Bill.

“Two years,” said Tom.

 

[done_got_old]

Was I Wrong?

My friend Lori called me last night and asked me if I could give her $350 to help with rent. I told her okay, let me call you right back. I called her sister and told her Lori had asked me for $350 for her rent. Gloria said don't give it to her because she's a liar. She's just trying to use that $350 to get her baby daddy out of jail. She has been crying about how she wants him to be under the same roof as her for the holidays. So I called my friend Joe and said I needed $350 in counterfeit money. After I got the money I called Lori and told her to come meet and I gave her the money. A couple of hours later I got a call from the jail and it was Lori. She asked me why did I give her counterfeit money. I told her I heard you were crying about how you wanted to be under the same roof as your baby daddy so there you go...
Was I Wrong?

 

[pplwatching]

My wife walked into the room while I was watching porn. I quickly switched to a bowling show to avoid the embarrassment of the 'porn talk'. She picked up her glasses and left to go back to whatever she was doing in the other room, so I switched back to porn.

A little while later she came back in to get a sweater because she was cold. I was once again one step ahead of her and switched back to bowling. When she left the room ... click ... back to porn.

Finally she came in to say that she was going to bed. This time I heard her in the hall and was feeling pretty smug about getting the channel changed in plenty of time, but she must have heard all of the moaning and panting because she said, "Oh, for heaven's sake! Leave it on the porn! You already know how to bowl!"

 

[done_got_old]

A Rabbi, a Priest, and a Reverend walk into a bar...

You know what, I'm tired of these jokes, you finish it.

 

[done_got_old]

While I was dining in the restaurant of a large hotel, I heard a loud crash. A waitress had dropped a whole tray of coffee cups, plates, and dishes. Being only a couple tables away from her, I felt a stinging pain in my hand where I was cut from the shattered debris. I was immediately escorted to the hotel doctor.

"What happened?" he asked.

I said, "I was attacked by a flying saucer."

 

[done_got_old]

A man is sitting in a fancy restaurant when his food finally arrives at his table. As the plate is being served the man notices the waiter has his thumb resting on the edge of his steak.

"Umm, excuse me," the man says, "but I couldn't help but notice you had your thumb on my steak."

"Yes, I know, sir," the waiter responds, "but I didn't want to drop it again."

 

[done_got_old]

A little girl is in the kitchen watching her mother prepare for the following day's Christmas dinner.

She asks, "Mommy, can I please have a cat for Christmas?"

Her mommy replies, "No honey, you'll have turkey just like the rest of us."

 

[done_got_old]

A family of skunks went for their morning walk. They came to a fork in the road.

The daddy skunk said, "My instinct tells me to take the left fork."

The momma skunk said, "My instinct tells me to take the right fork."

The baby skunk pondered a moment and said, "My end stinks too but I still don't know which road to take!"

 

[pplwatching]

An oldie but a goodie, complete with offensive stereotypes

Background : Down under a trash can with wheels that you put to the curb is called a "Wheelie Bin". A refuse collector is a dustman. I think.

A dustman is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor.

He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck, goes to the front door and knocks. There's no answer.

Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.

Eventually a Chinese man comes to the door.

"Harro!" says the Chinese man.

"Aye, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the dustman.

"I bin on toiret" explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed.

Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.

"No! No! Mate, where's ya dust bin?"

"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!" says the Chinese man, with some agitation.

"Listen," says the collector. "Ya misunderstanding me. Where's ya wheelie bin?", emphasizing 'wheelie' slowly and clearly to help get the point across.

"OK! OK!" replies the Chinese man with a sheepish grin. He then whispers in the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista! Why you care?"

 

[done_got_old]

I was checking out at the busy super market, and the cashier was having problems. The register ran out of paper, the scanner malfunctioned, and finally the cashier spilled a handful of coins. When she totaled my order, it came to exactly $22.

Trying to soothe her nerves, I said, "That's a nice round figure."

Still frazzled, she glared at me and said, "You're no bean pole yourself."

 

[ga400us]

Jewish Cab Driver

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab. The woman glared back at him and said,
"What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady. I vasn't staring at you like you tink; dat vould not be proper."

The woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or my butt, sweetie, what are you doing then?"

He paused a moment, then told her, "Vell... M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in DA hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?"

Now, that's a businessman!

 

[Plane_Guy]

Horse walks into a bar; then there was something about a long face...

I don't really remember the joke that well...

 

[done_got_old]

I got a hand job from Albert Einstein the other day...

It was a stroke of genius