Laughter is Contagious V2

[done_got_old]

I had given our daughter, who was 15 at the time, a driver's manual. On the way to town one day, I was coaching her as I drove. I told her to be studying her book so as to be ready when it came time to get her drivers permit.

"Oh, she said, "I already know everything in the book."

"You do?" I returned.

"Yep," she said, very smugly.

I thought, "OK, I'll give her a hard one." So I asked her, "How many feet does it take to stop the car if you are driving 60 miles an hour and have to slam on the brakes real hard?"

"One," she replied.

"What?" I asked.

"One?!" She repeated her answer and then because of the confused look on my face, she added, "You always told me never to use my left foot on the brakes, only use my right one."

 

[done_got_old]

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft.


A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees.

The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled "Mayday, mayday!!


The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory.

I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!"

The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately.

"Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!".

He began his series of questions:

Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter dial in front of me."

Tower: "Okay, that's good, remain calm. How do you know you're traveling at 180 mph?"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of me."

Tower: Okay, this is great so far, but it's heavily overcast, so how do you know you're flying upside down?"

Aircraft: "The shit in my pants is running out of my shirt collar."

 

[done_got_old]

Mama Mole, Papa Mole, and Baby Mole all live in a little hole. One morning Papa Mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air, and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

Then Mama Mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air, and says, "Yum! I smell strawberry jam!"

Then Baby Mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but he can't because Mama and Papa Mole are both in the way.

He whines, "Jeez, all I can smell is molasses!"

 

[done_got_old]

St. Peter was standing at the Pearly Gates one day when a man suddenly appeared before him. The man said "Let me in" but before St. Peter could say anything the man disappeared.

A few minutes later the man appeared again and said, "Let me in!" Again, before St. Peter could say anything, the man disappeared.

A few minutes later the man appeared again and said frantically, "Let me in quick!"

St. Peter said, "Are you playing games with me?"

The man said, "No! They're trying to resuscitate me!"

 

[ga400us]

A Congressional Limerick

There once was a congressman named Weiner,
who had a perverted demeanor.

He was forced from the hill, for acting like Bill.
Now Congress is one Weiner leaner.

And The Moral Is:

You tweet your meat, you lose your seat.

 

[ga400us]

Your Parrot Is Dead

At dawn the telephone rings, 'Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.'

'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'

'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead'

'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition? '

'Si, Senor, that's the one.'

'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?'

'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'

'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'

'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'

'Dead horse? What dead horse?'

'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'

'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'

'Yes Senor Rod! , he di ed from all that work pulling the water cart.'

'Are you insane?? What water cart?'

'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'

'Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??'

'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'

'What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?? !!'

'Yes, Senor Rod..'

'But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?'

'For the funeral, Senor Rod.'

'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!'

'Your wife's, Senor Rod', she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Taylor Made Super Quad 460 golf club.'

SILENCE . . . . . . .. . . .LONG SILENCE . . . .. . . .

'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!!'

 

[ga400us]

The Priest's Ass...

The Priest entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race and it won again.
The local paper read: PRIEST'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Priest not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Priest to get rid of the donkey.
The Priest decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS HER ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
Have a nice day

 

[done_got_old]

There once was a congressman named Weiner,
who had a perverted demeanor.

He was forced from the hill, for acting like Bill.
Now Congress is one Weiner leaner.

And The Moral Is:

You tweet your meat, you lose your seat.

Love it!

 

[done_got_old]

I was recovering from surgery when a charity representative phoned asking me to take part in a door-to-door fund-raising effort.

"Sorry," I replied, "but I've been incapacitated."

Undaunted, the caller kept trying to convince me to change my mind and volunteer.

I interrupted and said, "I'm incapacitated. Do you know what that means?"

She hesitated. "It means your head was cut off?"

 

[ga400us]

Breaking News:
The NFL announced today that because of
lost revenue due to kneeling, an NFL Team had to be cut.

Tampa Bay and the Green Bay Packers will be combining
forming the Tampacks. They will be good for only one period
and will have no second string...

 

[done_got_old]

A teenage boy with spiked hair, nose ring, and baggy clothes was overheard telling a friend, "I don't really like to dress like this."

"Then why do you?" asked the friend.

"It keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere with them."

 

[done_got_old]

Once upon a time, there was a policeman that saw a man sitting in a car with a tiger sitting next to him. The police officer said, "It's against the law to have a tiger in your car. Take him to the zoo."

The next day the police officer saw the same man in the same car with the same tiger. The police officer said, "I thought I told you to take that tiger to the zoo."

The man replied, "I did. He liked it. Now we're going to the beach."

 

[done_got_old]

A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're pro-stit-utes. Wanna have some fun?'

"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're pro-stit-utes. Wanna have some fun?"

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those beads away brother, our prayers have been answered!

 

[done_got_old]

"New research shows that China has a bigger middle class than America, and more people in China are living what we would call the 'American Dream.' That's when you know things are bad - when even the American DREAM is made in China."

 

[Pantyboy74]

An American, a Vietnamese, a Mexican, a Brazilian, a Canadian, a German, a Turk, and a Russian walk into a fancy restaurant. When they got to the front desk, they were kicked out because they did not have a Thai.

 

[done_got_old]

An American, a Vietnamese, a Mexican, a Brazilian, a Canadian, a German, a Turk, and a Russian walk into a fancy restaurant. When they got to the front desk, they were kicked out because they did not have a Thai.

LOL I didn't see that coming.

 

[ga400us]

Better Than A Flu Shot

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties, had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, in the water floated of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water, its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this? Pointing to the bowl. '

Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!

 

[done_got_old]

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"What are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"

 

[done_got_old]

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dead to the world, dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

"OK," says his wife as she gets up and unplugs the TV.

 

[done_got_old]

Husband sent a text to his wife at night,

“Hi I will get late, please try and wash all my dirty clothes and make sure you prepare my favorite dish before I return.”

There is no reply…..

He sent another text, “And I forgot to tell you that I got an increase in my
salary. at the end of the month I’m getting you a new car”

this time,
She text back, “OMG really?”

Husband replied,
“No I just wanted to make sure you got my first message”

 

[done_got_old]

A 106-year-old cowboy in Texas recently passed away. He was asked on his last birthday earlier this year his secret to longevity.

He told them that for the past 50 years he had sprinkled a little gunpowder on his cereal each morning.

He left behind 8 children, 21 grandchildren, 32 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the crematorium.

 

[done_got_old]

Two roofers, Larry and Joe, were on the roof laying tile, when a sudden win gust came and knocked down their ladder.

“I have an idea,” said Larry. “We’ll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder.”

"What, do you think, that I’m stupid?" replied Joe. “I have and idea! I’ll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light.”

Larry wasn't having it. "What, do you think that I’m stupid? You’ll just turn off the flashlight when I’m halfway down.”

 

[done_got_old]

Dad rarely dresses up, so when he left the bedroom decked out in a suit and tie, he wanted to commemorate the moment.

Handing me his camera, he asked, “Mind taking a selfie of me?”

 

[done_got_old]

A father and his son were flying "Southwest Airlines" from Kansas to Chicago.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his father and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The father (who couldn't think of an answer) told his son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess asked, "Did your father tell you to ask me?"

He said that he had. So the stewardess said,

"Tell your father that Southwest always pulls out on time."

 

[done_got_old]

Little Johnny was on a park bench stuffing all of his Halloween candy in his mouth. An old lady came over and said, "Son, don't you know that eating all of that candy will rot your teeth, give you acne, and make you sick?"

"My grandfather lived to be 105 years old!" replied Johnny.

"Did he eat five candy bars at a sitting?" the old lady retorted.

"No," said Johnny, "but he minded his own freakin' business!"