Laughter is Contagious V2

[done_got_old]

In my job with a delivery company, I was getting phone directions to a customer's home. The woman very specifically said, "From the main road in the center of town go two lights. Look for the post office. Turn left onto the next street. Go 1.3 miles. Drive past one red hydrant and then take the next right. Go 50 yards. My driveway is the second on the right, and the number is on the mailbox."

As I entered the information into the computer, I asked, "What color is your house?"

The woman paused a second and said, "Hold on. I'll go check."

 

[done_got_old]

On my 40th birthday I waltzed out of my bedroom dressed in an old outfit I dug out of the back of the closet.

"I wore this on my 30th birthday! I guess that means my wardrobe is ten years old," I said to my husband, hoping he'd take the hint and buy me some clothes as a present.

"Or," he offered instead, "it means when you were 30 you had the body of a 40-year-old."

 

[done_got_old]

A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands.

"Doctor," says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. "Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?"

"I don't see why not," replies the doctor.

"That's great!" says the man. "Because I wasn't able to play it before."

 

[done_got_old]

The young wife was in tears when she opened the door for her husband. "I've been insulted," she sobbed. "Your mother insulted me."

"My mother!" he exclaimed. "Did she call you?"

"No, but a letter came for you this morning and I opened it."

He looked stern, "I see, and where does the insult come in?"

"In the P.S.," she answered. "It said, 'Dear Alice, don't forget to give this letter to George.'"

 

[done_got_old]

Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.

"I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines."

"Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"

 

[done_got_old]

A government warning was recently issued that anyone traveling in icy or blizzard conditions should take:

- Shovel, blankets or sleeping bag
- Extra clothing including scarf, hat and gloves
- 24 hours supply of food and drink
- De-icer
- 5 lbs of rock salt
- flashlight with spare batteries
- Road flares and reflective triangles
- Tow rope
- 5 gallon gas can
- First aid kit
- Jump cables

I felt like a complete idiot on the bus this morning.

 

[done_got_old]

Carol and Patty were walking down the street. Carol noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

Patty said, "Let me look!" So Carol handed her the compact.

Patty looked in the mirror and said, "You dummy, it's me!"

 

[done_got_old]

Sitting in the bar George asks his 40-year-old friend John, "How come you aren't married?"

John replies, "I haven't found the right woman yet."

"So what are you looking for?"

"Oh, she's got to be real pretty, a good cook, and house keeper. She's got to know how to handle money, have a nice and pleasant personality, and money. She's got to have money. And a nice big house wouldn't hurt either."

"A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU!" says George.

"Oh, it's okay, if she is crazy."

 

[done_got_old]

A manager was told by his doctor to take up some sport for exercise so he decided to play tennis. After a couple of weeks, his administrative assistant asked him how he was doing.

"It's going fine," the manager said. "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says: To the corner! Backhand! To the net! Smash! Go back!"

"Really? What happens then?" the woman asked enthusiastically.

"Then my body says, 'Who? Me? Don't talk nonsense!'"

 

[done_got_old]

"Hello! Is this Gordon's Pizza?"
"No sir, it's Google's Pizza."

"Did I dial the wrong number?
"No sir, Google bought the pizza store."

"Oh, alright then. I’d like to place an order please."
"Okay sir, do you want the usual?"

"The usual? You know what my usual is?"
"According to the caller ID, the last 15 times you’ve ordered a 12-slice with double-cheese, sausage, and thick crust."

"Okay, that’s what I want this time too."
"May I suggest that this time you order an 8-slice with ricotta, arugula, and tomato instead?"

"No, I hate vegetables."
"But your cholesterol is not good."

"How do you know?"
"Through the subscribers guide. We have the results of your blood tests for the last 7 years."

"You know what, I'm sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, and everyone else having all my information! I'm going to an island without internet, where there’s no cellphone line, and no one to spy on me!"

"I understand sir. But you may want to renew your passport... it expired 5 weeks ago."

 

[done_got_old]

Martin had just received his brand new driver's license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.

"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."

 

[done_got_old]

Little Emily was at her first wedding and gaped at the entire ceremony. When it was over, she asked her mother, "Why did the lady change her mind?"

Her mother asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, she went down the aisle with one man and came back with another one."

 

[done_got_old]

I hate the idea of going under the knife. So I was very upset when the doctor told me I needed a tonsillectomy. Later, the nurse and I were filling out an admission form. I tried to respond to the questions, but I was so nervous I couldn't speak.

The nurse patted my hand and said, "Don't worry. This medical problem can easily be fixed, and it's not a dangerous procedure."

"You're right. I'm being silly," I said, "please continue."

"Good," the nurse went on, "Now, do you have a living will?"

 

[done_got_old]

The blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye.

The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor in disgust took a paper sack with a hole to see through, and put it on her head to cover up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.

As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face. "Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get upset about getting glasses."

"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."

 

[done_got_old]

A young mother was standing outside a mall holding her six- month-old baby and her sister's three-month-old baby.

Two women approached the mother. "Are they twins?" one asked.

"No, they're three months apart."

"My! You sure had them close together."

 

[ga400us]

Going to Heaven

A women was visited by her Priest and in their discussion he told her she must give up smoking, drinking and unmarried sex if she wants to get into heaven.

The woman said she would try her best.

The Priest visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.

"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking.

However yesterday I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs. He pulled up my skirt and made love to me right then and there."

"They don't like that in heaven, said the Priest.

The woman replied:They don't like it in Costco either.

 

[ga400us]

Best ever Senior Citizen Joke

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..." he said with a deep sigh ............




"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

 

[ga400us]

The Irish Divorce

A man in Ireland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".

"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her".

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell, they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".

She calls Ireland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way!"

 

[ga400us]

Are you a real pilot?

You think you have lived to be 80 plus and know who you are, then along comes someone who blows it all to hell!

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked,

Are you a real pilot?

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat there sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked,"Are you a real pilot?"


He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian too.'

 

[ga400us]

Frisco Colonoscopy

Being nervous, and embarrassed about my up-coming colonoscopy, on a recommendation, I decided to have it while visiting friends in San Francisco , where the beautiful nurses are allegedly more gentle and accommodating.

As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure...

Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me.

I don't have an erection," I replied. I do." replied the nurse.

Advice: Don't get a colonoscopy in San Francisco.

 

[done_got_old]

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..." he said with a deep sigh ...........



"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

You posted some good ones. This one I'd heard before, but instead of an old woman it was a blonde. Still good!

 

[done_got_old]

My 10-year-old daughter has decided she is an environmentalist. So she talked me into participating in an aggressive recycling effort with her.

Last week she and I took what proved to be 134 pounds of cardboard boxes to the recycling center and earned $1.34. Counting gas and ice cream, we turned a profit of -$7.85.

We're going to use generally accepted accounting principles and see if we can apply this amount to our taxable income.

 

[done_got_old]

I was eating lunch on the 18th of February with my 10-year-old grandson and I asked him, "What day is tomorrow?"

He said, "It's President's Day!"

I asked, "What does President's Day mean?" I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln, etc.

He replied, "President's Day is when the President steps out of the White House. If he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment."

 

[ga400us]

You posted some good ones. This one I'd heard before, but instead of an old woman it was a blonde. Still good!

Thanks DGO!

 

[ga400us]

Potential Son-in-law

A young woman brought her fiancé home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told her father to find out about the young man. The father invited the fiancé to his study for a talk.

"So, what are your plans?" the father asked the young man.

"I am a biblical scholar," he replied.

"A biblical scholar, hmmm?" the father said. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?"

"I will study," the young man replied, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asked the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replied, "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiancé.

The conversation proceeded like this...and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God would provide.

Later, the mother asked, "How did your talk go, honey?"

The father answered, "He has no job, he has no plans, and he thinks I'm God."