Laughter is Contagious V2

[EmpressJosephine]

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/21/c5/99/21c599a88e29fa26700ce87622f2585e.jpg

 

[done_got_old]

Two Italian men get on a bus. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

 

[Matt_Next_Door]

Bubba and JimBob were out in the woods hunting. After many hours of drinking coffee with no signs of game, JimBob had to pee.

Never shy about whipping his way more than average tool out, he started relieving himself and talking to Bubba.

All of a sudden, a coiled rattlesnake sprang and bit him right on his penis. JimBob screamed and ran around in circles...panicked and terrified he yelled, "Fuck Bubba! I've been bit on the dick by a rattlesnake! What the fuck am I going to do....what am I going to do?"

Bubba was concerned for his friend but didn't have a clue how to handle the snake bite. Then it dawned on him that there was a farm house not far away and he would run down there and ask the farmer for help.

Bubba took off and ran as fast as he could. He breathlessly pounded on the door and the farmer slowly opened it up and saw the panicked look on Bubba's face.

Bubba didn't wait for the farmer to say anything, he just blurted out.

"My buddy's up in the woods and he's been bit by a rattlesnake...what do I do? What do I do??"

The farmer slowly scratched his head and even more slowly explained to Bubba,

"Well the first thing you do is you take out your pocket knife and cut an X into the bite. Then you carefully suck out the poison and spit it out."

Bubba nodded and took in what the farmer told him, thanked him and ran back to JimBob.

By the time he got back, JimBob's cock had swollen up from the poison about five times its normal huge size.

Bubba looked and JimBob and JimBob looked at Bubba and exclaimed, "What'd he say Bubba, what'd he say?"

Bubba swallowed hard and looked JimBob right in the eye and then spoke, "He said, you're gonna die, you're gonna die!

 

[done_got_old]

After being married 25 years, a man looked at his wife one day and said, "You know, 25 years ago we lived in a cheap apartment, drove a cheap car, had only a sofa bed and watched a 14" black and white television. BUT, every night I got to sleep with a hot 25 year old blonde."

"Now," he continued, "We have a nice house, a new car, a big flat-screen TV, but I have to sleep with a 50 year old woman. It doesn't seem fair."

His wife was a reasonable woman. She replied, "Well, why don't you go out and get yourself a hot 25 year old blonde? Then I'll make sure you will once again live in a cheap apartment, drive a cheap car, have only a sofa bed and watch a 14" black and white television."

The man rethought his priorities.

 

[done_got_old]

A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.

The next day though, the farmer turned up at Tommy's house and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died."

Tommy replied, "Well, then just give me my money back. That's fine."

The farmer said, "Sorry, I can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Tommy then said, "Okay, then, just bring me the dead horse."

The farmer was surprised and asked Tommy, "Why? What ya gonna do with him?"

Tommy replied, "I’m going to raffle him off."

The farmer laughed and said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse! Who'd buy a ticket?"

Tommy answered, "Sure I can, just watch me. I just won't tell anybody the horse is dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Tommy again and asked, "What happened with that dead horse in the end. Did you raffle him off?"

Tommy said, "I sure did. I sold 500 tickets at $5 a piece."

The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Tommy smiled and said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $5 back."

 

[done_got_old]

"Ma'am", he says, removing his hat:

"we have bad and good news"

"bad news first" the woman replies.

"I'm sorry, but a serial killer attacked your husband, cut his skin off and threw his corpse in the harbor"

The woman begins crying. "so what's the good news?"

"When we pulled him up he had 20 four-pound lobsters crawling on him. Want one?"

"No way. that's disgusting!" the woman sobbed

"Well, if you change your mind, we're pulling him up again tomorrow"

 

[ga400us]

The Cowboy

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the prairie without water.

His horse had already died of thirst. He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.

He opens it and out pops a genie.

But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie, 'You know how I work...You have three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this,' said the cowboy, 'I'm not going to trust an IRS genie.'

'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right. 'OK! I wish I were alongside a lush spring with plenty of food and drink.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen, and he's surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'

'My second wish is that I was rich... beyond my wildest dreams.'

** *POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says, 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

***POOF***

He was turned into a Tampon.

Moral of The Story: If the Government Offers To Help You, You Can Bet There's Going To Be A String Attached!!

 

[ga400us]

Just three words

A 77-year-old man is having a drink in a Chicago bar. Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her. After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.

Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. I want $100, and there's another condition".

Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.


The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He whips out his wallet and puts $100 dollars in her hand ---He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly: "Paint my house."

(Our needs change as we get older)

 

[ga400us]

Marine Corp Exercise regimen for seniors..

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room on each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides.
Hold them there as long as you can.
Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags, and then eventually, try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
(I'm currently at this level)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

 

[done_got_old]

A man has 3 girlfriends and He's having trouble making up his mind which one he wants to marry, so he gives each of them $5,000. The first girlfriend went out and got herself a complete makeover. She told him, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad, and an 80-inch flatscreen television. She said "I bought these gifts for you because I love you so much."

The third woman took the $5,000 and invested it it in the stock market, doubled her investment, returned $5,000 to the man and re-invested the rest. She said, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of his girlfriends had spent the money, and then he decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

 

[ga400us]

A man has 3 girlfriends and He's having trouble making up his mind which one he wants to marry, so he gives each of them $5,000. The first girlfriend went out and got herself a complete makeover. She told him, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad, and an 80-inch flatscreen television. She said "I bought these gifts for you because I love you so much."

The third woman took the $5,000 and invested it it in the stock market, doubled her investment, returned $5,000 to the man and re-invested the rest. She said, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of his girlfriends had spent the money, and then he decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

Truth! LOL

 

[ga400us]

I'm Broke

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, confronted by a well- dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

“Good morning,' said the young man, “If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I’d like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”

''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' she started to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you’ve at least seen a demonstration.''

With that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

“Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."

 

[ga400us]

Emergency Landing

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our
engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing.

Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our Visa and MasterCard bill yet?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the cheque," she says.

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send the Income tax cheque to the IRS this month?" he asks.

"Oh, forgive me, Abe," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

 

[done_got_old]

The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."

Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"

Helen: "No, the gardener did."

Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

 

[done_got_old]

A woman was sitting in the doctor's office when he came in and said,

"Mrs.Jones, this isn't a urine sample you brought in. It's apple juice."

"Oh my god" she said. "I've got to get to a phone."

"Why?" asked the doctor.

"I must have packed the other bottle in my husbands lunch box."

 

[done_got_old]

A family who had just moved into a new neighborhood was anxious to make a good impression.

But the neighbors seemed cold and made no overtures of welcome. The mother of the brood was overjoyed when finally her youngest son ran in and announced happily,

"Mommy, the lady down the street asked my name today!"

"Oh, how nice!" exclaimed the mother enthusiastically.

"And then what did she do?"

"Then she gave it to the policeman." the boy said.

 

[done_got_old]

A man walks into a bar obviously very drunk, and asks for a drink.

"Sorry" the bartender says, "but you obviously already had a little too much to drink."

Fuming mad the drunk walks out the front door and walks into the side door.

“Can I have a drink please.”

“Sorry” the bartender says “but you can’t have a drink here.”

The drunk walks out and goes in through the back door.

“Can I please have a drink.”

“Enough!” The bartender screamed “I told you no drinks!”

The drunk looks at the bartender closely and exclaimed “Darn! how many bars do you work at?!”

 

[done_got_old]

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. “Mama, look what I found,” the boy called out.

“What have you got there, dear?”

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, “I think it's Adam's underwear!”

 

[done_got_old]

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida.
His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure is hot down here.

 

[done_got_old]

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was sick with a fever. She stopped at the pharmacy to get some medication. Returning to her car, she found that she had locked her keys in the car. She bowed her head and asked God to send her HELP.

Within minutes, a bearded man, wearing an old biker skull rag on his head, pulled up on an old motorcycle. The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help. He walked over to the car and in no time, the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said: "Thank you so much, you are a very nice man." The man replied: "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday; I was in prison for car theft.”

The woman hugged the man again and said out loud: "Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a professional!"

 

[ga400us]

Definitions

CHICKENS
The only animal you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF
Cold Storage.

INFLATION
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO
An insect that makes you like flies better.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
A doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority.

SECRET
A story you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES
Something other people have....similar to my character lines.

OLD
I very quietly confided to my friend that I was having an affair.
She turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?"

 

[ga400us]

Burma Shave Signs

I remember them when I was a kid riding with my parents.....
Burma Shave probably saved some lives. People laughed and they were more careful!
It was a REAL "service" to America, even though it was an advertisement and it was
one of the RARE "really useful" ones! For those who never saw any of the Burma Shave
signs, here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930's and '40's. Before there were
interstates when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads, Burma Shave signs would be posted
all over the countryside in farmers' fields. They were small red signs with white letters.

Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet and the obligatory
5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream.


A MAN, A MISS,
A CAR, A CURVE.
HE KISSED, THE MISS,
AND MISSED THE CURVE.
Burma Shave


DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW
OUT SO FAR
IT MAY GO HOME
IN ANOTHER CAR.
Burma Shave

TRAINS DON'T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP
'CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP.
Burma Shave

SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER HUSBAND JAKE.
Burma Shave

DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT.
Burma Shave

DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING.
Burma Shave

BROTHER SPEEDER
LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING, NURSE.
Burma Shave

CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND A LITTLE MORE STEER.
Burma Shave

SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT.
Burma Shave

THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER
HEMISPHERE.
Burma Shave

AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN'T IT?
Burma Shave

NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU.
Burma Shave

A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPING
Burma Shave

AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY.
Burma Shave

BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S CODE.
Burma Shave

THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING.
Burma Shave

CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE.
Burma Shave

PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW.
Burma Shave

Do these bring back any old memories? If they do –then you're old as dirt LIKE ME.

 

[ga400us]

Inspirational story

Just having a drink and a chat with a bloke over a pint in the White Hart at Geddington just before heading home yesterday. I discovered he was worth around £4 million and he shared the amazing story of how he got so rich.

Basically, when he left school he had little or no formal qualifications but he was good with his hands and he knew how to sell. He knew he was never going to make it in an office job so it was nose to the grindstone time.

He told me how he left school at 15 and bought an old caravan cheap and spent a few weeks fixing it up, he then sold it for profit. He then used the money to buy another and so on. He did this a lot over the next 35 years, buying, repairing, selling, buying again.

He eventually moved onto motorhomes in the 90's and then onto cars in the last eight or nine years even during the real bad times he plugged away.
He worked long hours sometimes not seeing his wife and kids for days in pursuit of his goal.
Then his uncle died and left him £4 million....

 

[ga400us]

Golf Balls

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and
sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what
he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked,
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

 

[ga400us]

Oops!!!

Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door. I’ve got a confession to make. I’ve been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face At least I’m telling you in this text and I can’t live with myself a minute longer without you knowing about this. The truth is that when you’re not around I’ve been sharing your wife, day and night. In fact, probably much more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently and I know that that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can’t live with the guilt and hope you’ll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you.

Regards, Richard

Neighbor’s response:

Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed, grabbed his gun and shot Richard, killing him. He went back home and poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Fred then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Richard.

Second text message:

Hi, Fred. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out and noticed that the damned Auto-Correct had changed “wi-fi” to “wife.” Technology, huh? It’ll be the death of us all.

Regards, Richard