Laughter is Contagious V2

[ga400us]

Pearls of Wisdom

Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash in Alaska with bush pilot Wiley Post,
was one of the greatest political country/cowboy sages this country has ever known.


Some of his sayings:
1.Never Squat With Your Spurs On!
2. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
3. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
4. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.
5. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
6. Always drink upstream from the herd.
7. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
8. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back
into your pocket.
9. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The
few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
10. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
11. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and
then to make sure it's still there.
12. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it
back.
13. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he
started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

ABOUT GROWING OLDER...
First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about
your age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that
it's such a nice change from being young.
Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable and relaxed.
Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it
was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.
And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have
anything to laugh at when you're old.

 

[ga400us]

Florida Gator Attack

Here’s her story in her own words:
While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues.
We were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open.
She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.
If I had not had my little Beretta .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!
Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took.
The 'gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.
It's one of the best pistols in my collection, plus the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible.
His life insurance was a big bonus.

 

[done_got_old]

The people who didn't stop by and read your posts missed out on some really good ones. Thanks for the laughs.

 

[ga400us]

The people who didn't stop by and read your posts missed out on some really good ones. Thanks for the laughs.

Thank you Miss DGO! You've had quite a few yourself recently!

 

[done_got_old]

Thank you Miss DGO! You've had quite a few yourself recently!

It's all in a day's work.

 

[done_got_old]

Orgasm Info!

Whether a woman fakes her orgasms or not is something the majority of men would rather not question. This is in case they discovered that she has been faking it all along, and that they are not, in fact, the stud they thought women go wild for. Rather, they are a pathetic creature with a problem, who needs to be patronized.

For those of you who would prefer not to ask her, but would still like to know, there is a simple checklist to help you.

1. In the middle of lovemaking, and just before the moment it sounds as though she is about to have an orgasm, stop and take away the magazine she's been looking at. If she says, "Dammit, I was reading that!" she was faking.

2. If her panting, groaning and screaming are in tune, or sound like a familiar song, she can't be concentrating enough on the "job at hand," and must therefore be faking it. Or else she really likes the song playing on her iPod.

3. A rule of thumb, which is usually very accurate, is: stop at random and record her response. If every time you stop she says, "Mmmmm, you were wonderful, baby," she is faking it. If she says, "Don't stop!" she isn't. However, if she says "Don't stop!" hours after lovemaking has finished, it is possible that she may have fallen asleep, and missed most of the excitement. Remember these guidelines for future reference.

 

[ga400us]

Orgasm Info!

Whether a woman fakes her orgasms or not is something the majority of men would rather not question. This is in case they discovered that she has been faking it all along, and that they are not, in fact, the stud they thought women go wild for. Rather, they are a pathetic creature with a problem, who needs to be patronized.

For those of you who would prefer not to ask her, but would still like to know, there is a simple checklist to help you.

1. In the middle of lovemaking, and just before the moment it sounds as though she is about to have an orgasm, stop and take away the magazine she's been looking at. If she says, "Dammit, I was reading that!" she was faking.

2. If her panting, groaning and screaming are in tune, or sound like a familiar song, she can't be concentrating enough on the "job at hand," and must therefore be faking it. Or else she really likes the song playing on her iPod.

3. A rule of thumb, which is usually very accurate, is: stop at random and record her response. If every time you stop she says, "Mmmmm, you were wonderful, baby," she is faking it. If she says, "Don't stop!" she isn't. However, if she says "Don't stop!" hours after lovemaking has finished, it is possible that she may have fallen asleep, and missed most of the excitement. Remember these guidelines for future reference.

Hehehe, helpful hints from Heloise?

 

[done_got_old]

The other day while my wife was out of town I hurt myself on the job and had to be rushed to the hospital. When she returned and came to the hospital, I tried to explain to her what had happened. I said, " Day before yesterday at work I was using the power saw on a project I was working on and the gear shifted and the blade cut into my arm. I fell to the floor bleeding and in pain and Brenda came around the corner and saw me and called 911.

After working on me there, the paramedics took me to hospital emergency where they operated on me for two hours. They had to reattach a tendon and fuse it back to the lower part of my arm. They then had to take a vein from my leg and attach it to a severed one in my arm. The anesthesia that they gave me had an allergic effect on me and sent me into a coma for about twenty minutes.

When I came out of it the doctors were very happy that I pulled through." My wife, after listening to me said, " Who`s Brenda?"

 

[greeneyedvirgin]

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking.

Arlene: What the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter, Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

 

[DarkSimian]

Did you hear about the blonde that chipped her teeth trying to give her vibrator a blowjob?

 

[done_got_old]

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/0b/4b/5b/0b4b5b2da36e7ebc6aa2543f5b5c2f2a--so-funny-funny-pics.jpg

 

[done_got_old]

An older couple decided to get married.

She said: I want to keep my house.
He said: That's fine with me.
She said: I want to keep my Cadillac.
He said: That's fine with me.
She said: I want to have sex 6 times a week.
He said: Put me down for Fridays.

 

[done_got_old]

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the celebrated 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Not that well. When I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air.

 

[done_got_old]

My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone prepared a meal for him. When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to go to the supermarket for her. She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items.

Dad returned shortly, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack the grocery bags. He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three hams, four boxes of detergent, five boxes of crackers, six eggplants, and seven green peppers.

 

[backformorefun]

How do you make a hormone?
Punch her in the stomach!

 

[done_got_old]

How do you make a hormone?
Punch her in the stomach!

You should add this to the 'puns' thread!

 

[done_got_old]

A SHORT, BUT BEAUTIFUL LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married'.

'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied, 'Get your own f...... blanket!'

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End.

 

[done_got_old]

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunting camp.


Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, "Nope, ain't Stanley ."


The mortician thought this was rather strange, So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Stanley."


The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Stanley had two ass-holes."


"What! He had two ass-holes?" asked the mortician.


"Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, There's Stanley with them two ass-holes."

 

[done_got_old]

http://i468.photobucket.com/albums/rr47/done-got-old/voice%20mail_zpsdml0tcyv.jpg

 

[DoRaMe]

This has to be one of my new fav threads
I keep laughing at all the great material
Thanks.

 

[done_got_old]

This has to be one of my new fav threads
I keep laughing at all the great material
Thanks.

I guess you know that I like it too. Another thread you might like is the Puns thread.

 

[done_got_old]

The "Flat Earth Society" has members all around the globe. Now say that again, slowly.

 

[ga400us]

The "Flat Earth Society" has members all around the globe. Now say that again, slowly.

Good one DGO!

 

[done_got_old]

The missus asked if she pleased me in bed? I said, "Yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth."

"What trick?" she asked?

"The one where you shut the fuck up and go to sleep!"

 

[done_got_old]

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist! He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be darned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.”

"Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire.”

"When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off.”

"Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke.”

"The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife -- she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. "Well, Mister, I told her!"