Laughter is Contagious V2
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MessierObject
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Three Generals (Air Force, Army, and Marines) were standing around by a cliff after some field exercises bragging about the bravery of their men. The Air Force General proudly bragged, "My men are brave enough to fly into death at my command, watch this" Spotting the first Airman walking by he ordered, "You the there, jump off that cliff!" The poor Airman hesitated for a moment until the General ordered again, "I ORDER you to jump off that cliff!" And finally the Airman did as he was ordered and leaped to his death.
The Army General scoffed, "That's nothing my men follow orders without hesitation to their death" and not to be outdone, grabbed the first soldier to walk by and ordered him to jump off the cliff. The soldier paused only for a moment before charging over the edge.
The Marine General, who had been watching with a grin, calmly stated, "You boys don't know the definition of bravery, watch and learn." Shouting at the first unfortunate Marine to walk by, "Marine, I order you to jump off that cliff!" The Marine looked at the cliff then back to the General, "With all do respect sir, go fuck yourself" and walked away. The Marine General smugly turned to the other, "See, THAT takes balls."
The Army General scoffed, "That's nothing my men follow orders without hesitation to their death" and not to be outdone, grabbed the first soldier to walk by and ordered him to jump off the cliff. The soldier paused only for a moment before charging over the edge.
The Marine General, who had been watching with a grin, calmly stated, "You boys don't know the definition of bravery, watch and learn." Shouting at the first unfortunate Marine to walk by, "Marine, I order you to jump off that cliff!" The Marine looked at the cliff then back to the General, "With all do respect sir, go fuck yourself" and walked away. The Marine General smugly turned to the other, "See, THAT takes balls."
done_got_old
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My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that 'help' you get an erection.
You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!
I'm still looking for a place to live.
You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!
I'm still looking for a place to live.
done_got_old
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Hunter was 5-years-old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days. He was playing outside with the other kids when he came into the house and asked, "Grandpa, what's it called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?"
His Grandpa was a little uncomfortable with the question, but he decided honesty was the best policy. "Well, Hunter, that's called sexual intercourse."
"Oh," Little Hunter said, "OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said, "Grandpa, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called bunk beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you."
His Grandpa was a little uncomfortable with the question, but he decided honesty was the best policy. "Well, Hunter, that's called sexual intercourse."
"Oh," Little Hunter said, "OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said, "Grandpa, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called bunk beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you."
done_got_old
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One day while jogging, a middle-aged man noticed a tennis ball lying by the side of the walk. Being fairly new and in good condition, he picked the ball up, put it in his pocket and proceeded on his way.
Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a young woman standing next to him smiling.
Noticing the rather distinct bulge she asked, "What do you have in your pocket?"
"Tennis ball," the man said, smiling back.
"Wow!" said the woman looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was terrible!"
Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a young woman standing next to him smiling.
Noticing the rather distinct bulge she asked, "What do you have in your pocket?"
"Tennis ball," the man said, smiling back.
"Wow!" said the woman looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was terrible!"
done_got_old
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A young guy from Idaho moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in Idaho."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters,
"One".
The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.
"That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in Idaho, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65."
The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing!"
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in Idaho."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters,
"One".
The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.
"That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in Idaho, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65."
The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing!"
DarkSimian
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What do you call 1000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start...
A good start...
done_got_old
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"Nice threads, man," commented Donald when his buddy showed up one day in a snappy new suit. "Where'd you pick 'em up?"
Richard beamed. "My wife got them for me. Pretty sharp, huh?"
"I'll say. What was the occasion?"
"Got me," admitted Richard with a cheerful shrug. "I came home from work early the other day and there they were, hanging over the chair in the bedroom."
Richard beamed. "My wife got them for me. Pretty sharp, huh?"
"I'll say. What was the occasion?"
"Got me," admitted Richard with a cheerful shrug. "I came home from work early the other day and there they were, hanging over the chair in the bedroom."
done_got_old
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Bill had been a wild bachelor all his life, but now that he was getting up there in age, his doctor was getting concerned about him.
"Bill," advised the doctor, "I can add 15 more years to your life if you will just quit your routine of wine, women, and song."
Bill thought for a few minutes, then said, "Tell you what doc, I'll settle for five more years and just give up singing."
"Bill," advised the doctor, "I can add 15 more years to your life if you will just quit your routine of wine, women, and song."
Bill thought for a few minutes, then said, "Tell you what doc, I'll settle for five more years and just give up singing."
done_got_old
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The owner of a small deli was being questioned by the IRS about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.
"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, and the place is closed only three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"
"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife."
"Oh, that," the owner said, smiling. "I forgot to tell you - we also deliver."
"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, and the place is closed only three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"
"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife."
"Oh, that," the owner said, smiling. "I forgot to tell you - we also deliver."
done_got_old
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Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. You could probably get a good price for your clubs."
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"For a minute there you were sounding like my ex-wife."
"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't," he replied.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. You could probably get a good price for your clubs."
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"For a minute there you were sounding like my ex-wife."
"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't," he replied.
DarkSimian
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John and Jane finally get married, and it is their honeymoon night. As Jane sits on the bed in a sexy negligee, John stand there fully clothed.
"Why don't you get undressed, and come to bed?" Jane asks.
"Well, honey, I've been embarrassed to tell you this, but I had a lot of diseases as a child, and my body is horribly scarred," John says.
"Dear, I love you, and I'm sure it's not as bad as you say," Jane lovingly replies.
So John takes off his shoes and socks. His feet and toes are mangled and gnarled.
Jane gasps. "I had a really bad case of toe-lio," John says.
John takes off his pants. His knees are lumpy and misshapen. Jane is shocked. "I had a childhood case of knee-sles."
Then John takes off his underwear. "Let me guess," Jane sighs, "you had a childhood case of small-cox."
"Why don't you get undressed, and come to bed?" Jane asks.
"Well, honey, I've been embarrassed to tell you this, but I had a lot of diseases as a child, and my body is horribly scarred," John says.
"Dear, I love you, and I'm sure it's not as bad as you say," Jane lovingly replies.
So John takes off his shoes and socks. His feet and toes are mangled and gnarled.
Jane gasps. "I had a really bad case of toe-lio," John says.
John takes off his pants. His knees are lumpy and misshapen. Jane is shocked. "I had a childhood case of knee-sles."
Then John takes off his underwear. "Let me guess," Jane sighs, "you had a childhood case of small-cox."
done_got_old
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rotflol - I knew it was going to his penis, but I didn't know how.
done_got_old
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When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at "Mom" and pushed send. His mother answered, and I told her what happened.
"Don't worry," she said, "I'll take care of it."
A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was "Mom."
"Martin," she said, "you left your cell phone at the convenience store."
"Don't worry," she said, "I'll take care of it."
A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was "Mom."
"Martin," she said, "you left your cell phone at the convenience store."
done_got_old
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An employee who had a terrible history for taking time off phoned in again one Monday morning: "I'm sorry, but I'll not be able to come in today as I'm too sick."
On hearing this his exasperated boss could barely conceal his anger and retorted in a rage: "Well, just how sick are you?"
"Well" the employee sighed, "I'm in bed with my sister!"
On hearing this his exasperated boss could barely conceal his anger and retorted in a rage: "Well, just how sick are you?"
"Well" the employee sighed, "I'm in bed with my sister!"
done_got_old
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Last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. As our passion began to heat up she said, "I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT?! What was that?!"
She said, "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The next day I took off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big department store. I walked around with her as she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to go with her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit." We went on to the jewelry counter where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. She was so excited. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet. I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all Honey, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "Uh, no baby, I don't feel like it." Her face went completely blank as her jaw dropped. I said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least she knows I'm smarter than her
I said, "WHAT?! What was that?!"
She said, "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The next day I took off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big department store. I walked around with her as she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to go with her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit." We went on to the jewelry counter where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. She was so excited. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet. I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all Honey, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "Uh, no baby, I don't feel like it." Her face went completely blank as her jaw dropped. I said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least she knows I'm smarter than her
settledseas
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Football FINALLY makes sense..........
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!LMAO
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!LMAO
settledseas
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Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News Newspaper in Starkville, MS. and bought a mule for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."
Curtis & Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.
"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."
Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."
The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"
Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."
Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.
They're overseeing the Bailout Program.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."
Curtis & Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.
"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."
Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."
The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"
Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."
Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.
They're overseeing the Bailout Program.
settledseas
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Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose in to other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Elmer, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Elmer (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know exactly what he was doing!
Elmer, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny... he said nothing.
Later that evening, Elmer quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home... and left it there all night.
You gotta love Elmer.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Elmer, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Elmer (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know exactly what he was doing!
Elmer, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny... he said nothing.
Later that evening, Elmer quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home... and left it there all night.
You gotta love Elmer.
settledseas
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An eskimo took his car into the service garage to find out why it wasn't running right.
The mechanic takes a look at the engine and tells the eskimo, "It looks like you've blown a seal."
The eskimo wipes his mouth and says, "No, that's just frost."
The mechanic takes a look at the engine and tells the eskimo, "It looks like you've blown a seal."
The eskimo wipes his mouth and says, "No, that's just frost."
done_got_old
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Love Them
settledseas
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hi DGO !! thank you. . .
done_got_old
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done_got_old
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A guy thought his wife was cheating on him.So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out she was working in a whorehouse.
The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $ 100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?".
The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So the cabbie goes in.
A couple of minutes later the whore house door gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this woman out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab.
The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here hold her!!"
The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE".
The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!".
The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $ 100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?".
The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So the cabbie goes in.
A couple of minutes later the whore house door gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this woman out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab.
The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here hold her!!"
The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE".
The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!".
