Laughter is Contagious V2

[done_got_old]

"A new study released today shows that blotting pizza with a napkin to remove extra grease can remove an average of 40 calories per slice. So if you're looking for an easy way to lose weight, just eat that napkin." -Seth Meyers

 

[SithLordSexyPants1]

These 2 little boys are sitting in the living room, watching TV with their parents. The mother looks over at the father with a wink and a nod toward upstairs. The father "gets" the message, and they both get up and head towards the stairs. The mother turns back to the 2 boys and says,we're going upstairs for a minute. You two stay here and watch TV we'll be right back, ok?" the two boys nod ok, and the parents take off upstairs. The oldest of the 2 boys is old enough to know what's going on now, and he gets up and tiptoes upstairs. At the top of the stairs, he peeks into his mom and dad's bedroom and shakes his head. Back downstairs he goes back to his little brother. "come with me" he says. And the two little boys tiptoe up the stairs. halfway up, the older brother says to the younger brother "now I want you to keep in mind, this is the same woman who used to bust our butt for sucking our thumb”

 

[done_got_old]

A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"

The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"

"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."

 

[done_got_old]

Diane buys a hundred goldfish. There are so many of them that she decides to keep them in her bathtub. One day she invites her friend Lauren over to see all her beautiful goldfish.

Lauren is impressed, and remarks, "They surely are beautiful, but what do you do when you want to take a bath?"

Diane replies, "I blindfold them."

 

[done_got_old]

an oldie........

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, “I am a Father.”

The little boy replied, “My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.”

The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.”

The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!”

The priest, getting impatient, said. “I am the Father of hundreds”, and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."

 

[done_got_old]

I copied this from a facebook post.

Today marks 6 weeks without sugar. (I changed running to walking) Walking 5 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour. The change has been fantastic! I feel great! Zero alcohol! A healthy vegan diet, gluten free, caffeine free, sugar free and a 2 hour workout each day! Lost 15 lbs of fat and gained muscle mass.

I have no idea whose status this is, but I am really proud of them so I decided to copy-paste!

 

[done_got_old]

http://i468.photobucket.com/albums/rr47/done-got-old/internet_zpsibdymu5q.png

 

[done_got_old]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

 

[done_got_old]

Little Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for his birthday. "A baby brother," he said. Later that year, his mother came home from the hospital with a baby boy.

Little Johnny was delighted. "And what would you like this year for your birthday?" his father asked.

He said, "If it isn't too uncomfortable for mommy, I'd like a pony."

 

[kcRollins]

Some funny song titles:

How can I miss you when you won't go away

If I shot ya when I wanted, I'd be out by now.

If your phone doesn't ring, you'll know it's me.

If my nose was running money, I'd blow it all on you.

If you won't leave me alone, I'll find someone who will.

And one of the best ones in my opinion:

I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.

 

[done_got_old]

Some funny song titles:

How can I miss you when you won't go away

If I shot ya when I wanted, I'd be out by now.

If your phone doesn't ring, you'll know it's me.

If my nose was running money, I'd blow it all on you.

If you won't leave me alone, I'll find someone who will.

And one of the best ones in my opinion:

I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.

Good ones!

 

[done_got_old]

Drive through....before payday!


https://youtu.be/MnjIbs6rdXE

 

[kcRollins]

Drive through....before payday!


https://youtu.be/MnjIbs6rdXE

That is too funny hahahaha

 

[done_got_old]

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly says: "My wife sure is stupid, she bought an air conditioner."

2nd Hillbilly says: "Why is that stupid?"

1st Hillbilly says: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"


2nd Hillbilly says: "That's nothing, my wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new-fangled warshin' machines!"

1st Hillbilly says: "Why is that so stupid?"

2nd Hillbilly says: "'Cause we ain't got no plummin'"


3rd Hillbilly says: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wives put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."

1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: "Well, what's so dumb about that?"
3rd Hillbilly says: "She ain't got no dick."

 

[done_got_old]

A 17-year-old boy goes into a drug store to buy condoms and walks up to the pharmacy counter.

The pharmacist asks the young man whether he wants a 3, 9, or 12 pack.

“Well, I’ve been seeing this girl for a few months now,” the boy began, “and I think tonight is ‘the’ night. First, we’re going to have dinner with her parents, and then we’re going out… and I’m pretty sure I’ll be getting lucky,” he said with a smile. “After the first time, she’ll be guaranteed to want me all the time, so I’d better get the 12 pack to start.” The boy paid the pharmacist, grabbed the condoms, and walked out the door.

That night, the young man sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He offers to give the blessing and enters into a long prayer and it goes on for minutes…

The girl nudges her boyfriend, saying, “You never told me you were so religious.”

The boy then whispers into her ear, “You never told me your father was a pharmacist.”

 

[done_got_old]

A man and a woman were going at it on the sofa when the phone rang.

"Who was that?" the guy asked.

"My husband," she replied.

"Damn, I better get going then," the guy said. "Where was he when he phoned?"

"You can relax," said the woman. "He's downtown playing poker with you."

 

[done_got_old]

Little Johnny's mother overheard him reciting his homework: "Two plus two, the son of a bitch is four; four plus four, the son of a bitch is eight; eight plus eight, the son of a bitch..."

"Johnny!" shouted his mother. "Watch your language! You're not allowed to use those kinds of words."

"But, Mom," replied the boy, "that's what the teacher taught us, and she said to recite it out loud till we learned it."

Next day Johnny's mother called the teacher to complain. "Oh, heavens," said the teacher. "That's not what I taught them. They're supposed to say, 'Two plus two, the sum of which is four.'"

 

[baise]

You
think you have lived all your life and know who you
are, then along comes someone and blows it all to
hell!

An
old Pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of
coffee.

As
he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat
down next to him...

She
turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real
pilot?'

He
replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying
planes; Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew A-6 Attack
aircraft in Vietnam, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides
to hundreds, so I guess I am a
pilot.'

She
said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking
about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I
think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked
women. When I watch TV, I think
about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of
naked women..'

The
two sat sipping in silence.

A
little while later, a young man sat down on
the other side of the old pilot and asked, 'Are you a
real pilot?'

He
replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out
I'm a lesbian.

 

[done_got_old]

I was in a pub last Saturday night, and after drinking a few I noticed two very robust-looking women at the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"

One of them snapped back, saying, "It's Wales, you idiot!"

I immediately apologized. "I'm sorry," I said, "are you two whales from Ireland?"

 

[done_got_old]

A husband is walking behind his wife and says, “Your bottom is getting so big it looks like an old washing machine.” The woman keeps quiet and keeps walking.

Bedtime comes around and the husband starts getting amorous.

Wife says, “I’m not starting the old washing machine for such a small load. You’ll have to do it by hand!”

 

[done_got_old]

A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks at him.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"

The guy says nervously, "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of

 

[done_got_old]

Saturday Night Live

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YvT_gqs5ETk

 

[ga400us]

Lie Detector

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "OK, OK. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

Son says, "Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son.

Son says, "OK, OK, we were watching porn."

Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."

The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."

The robot slaps the mother. . .


ROBOT FOR SALE

 

[done_got_old]

My sister, went to the store to check out the bridal registry of our niece whose wedding was coming up soon. When my sister returned from the store, she tossed the gift list on a table and declared, "I think she's too young to get married."

"Why do you say that?" I asked.

"Because," she said, "they've registered for video games."

 

[done_got_old]

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears?

"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?"

"The son-of-a-bitch called back!"