Laughter is Contagious V2

[GiggLeGasm]

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Jane asked him if there was anything wrong, “Yes, Nurse Jane ,” said Mr. Wallace. “My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.”

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, “Oh, I’m so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences .”

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Jane. ‘Mr. Wallace,’ she said, “You shouldn’t be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.”

“But, Nurse Jane I can’t,” replied Mr. Wallace. “I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.”

“Yes,” said Nurse Jane, “you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?”

“Well,” he replied, “Today is the viewing.”

 

[settledseas]

An Elementary School teacher had 26 students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic.




1.

Don't change horses

until they stop running.




2.

Strike while the

bug is close.




3.

It's always darkest before

Daylight Saving Time.




4.

Never underestimate the power of

termites.



5.

You can lead a horse to water but

how?



6.

Don't bite the hand that

looks dirty.



7.

No news is

impossible.




8.

A miss is as good as a

Mr.




9.

You can't teach an old dog new

math.



10.

If you lie down with dogs, you'll

stink in the morning.




11.

Love all, trust

me.




12.

The pen is mightier than the

pigs.




13.

An idle mind is

the best way to relax.




14.

Where there's smoke there's

pollution.




15.

Happy the bride who

gets all the presents.




16.

A penny saved is

not much.




17.

Two's company, three's

the Musketeers.




18.

Don't put off till tomorrow what

you put on to go to bed.




19.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and

you have to blow your nose.



20.

There are none so blind as

Stevie Wonder.




21.

Children should be seen and not

spanked or grounded.




22.

If at first you don't succeed

get new batteries.




23.

You get out of something only what you

see in the picture on the box.




24.

When the blind lead the blind

get out of the way.




25.

A bird in the hand

is going to poop on you.




And the WINNER and last one!




26.

Better late than

pregnant

 

[done_got_old]

Historians have recently discovered that Annie Oakley, famed sharp-shooter of the Old West, had a sister.

The sister, Carrie, gained some renown in her day as a singer in various saloons throughout the West, but it was not until after her death that she was very widely known.

Today, countless bars are dedicated to Carrie Oakley.

 

[Iceprincess12]

http://www.kappit.com/img/pics/201606_1456_echdh_sm.jpg

 

[done_got_old]

Too old to squat

An elderly man really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis, so he decided to do something about that. He went to the beach, undressed completely and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand.

A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, The lady with the cane began to move the penis around with her cane.


Remarking to the other little old lady, she said, "There really is no justice in the world."

The other little old lady asked, "What do you mean by that?"

The first little old lady replied, "Look at that. When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. Now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat.”

 

[AverageGary]

INTEROFFICE MEMORANDUM

TO: All Employees

FROM: Human Resources

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers, therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective
manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

SO.........

TRY SAYING
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF
When the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING
I'm certain that is not feasible.
INSTEAD OF
No fucking way!

TRY SAYING
Really?
INSTEAD OF
You've got to be shitting me.

TRY SAYING
Perhaps you should check with.....
INSTEAD OF
Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING
Of course I'm concerned.
INSTEAD OF
Ask me if I give a shit.

TRY SAYING
I wasn't involved with the project.
INSTEAD OF
It's not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING
That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF
What the fuck?!!???!

TRY SAYING
I'm not sure I can implement this.
INSTEAD OF
Fuck it...it won't work.

TRY SAYING
I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF
Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING
Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF
Who the fuck cares?

TRY SAYING
He's not familiar with the problem.
INSTEAD OF
He's got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING
Excuse me sir?
INSTEAD OF
Eat shit and die, motherfucker.

TRY SAYING
So, you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF
Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING
I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.
INSTEAD OF
Fuck it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING
I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF
Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF
This job sucks.

TRY SAYING
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF
Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING
I see.
INSTEAD OF
Blow me.

TRY SAYING
Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF
Another fucking meeting!

TRY SAYING
I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF
I really don't give a shit.

TRY SAYING
He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF
He's a fucking prick.

TRY SAYING
She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF
She's a ball-busting bitch.

TRY SAYING
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF
You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

 

[AverageGary]

A little boy walked in on his parents having sex.

He sees his mom bouncing up and down on his dad, and he says

"Mommy, what are you doing?"

She said, "Well, daddy's too fat so I thought I'd try to flatten him out."

The boy replied, "Why bother, every Tuesday the maid comes over and blows him back up again!"

 

[AverageGary]

A man's wife was nagging him to get work done around the house and he could start by painting the porch. The porch extends most of the way around the house. At the same time two blondes came up saying they were starting a painting business. He asked them how much it would be to paint the porch. Standing in the driveway they talked it over for a minute and told him they could do it for $100. He was shocked at the low price and quickly agreed. He told them the color and yhey agreed to come back the next morning to get the job done.
They showed up the next morning and three hours later they knocked on his door. One of them said "We're done and by the way, you have a Camaro, not a Porsche."

 

[AverageGary]

Maria is a devout Catholic:

She gets married and has 17 children, then her husband dies.
She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her second husband.

Maria dies.
At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her
coffin, looks up to the heavens and says, "At last, they're finally
together."

A man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you
mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband ?"

The priest says, " I mean her legs."

 

[done_got_old]

Judi and Gayle were at an auto show. There they saw a hot-rod with a jacked up rear end.

"Judi, why is the back end higher than the front?" Gayle asked.

"Don't you know ANYTHING?" Judi sighed exasperated. "If you've got the back up like that, then you're always going downhill!"

 

[done_got_old]

"Lawmakers in New Hampshire are now backing a bill that would make it illegal for women to expose their breasts in public because they say it could hurt tourism. Then New Orleans said, 'You sure about that?'" -Jimmy Fallon

 

[AverageGary]

ADULT FAIRY TALES


CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her.
As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
" I met a prince, Fairy Godmother.
He took care of everything."
The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power!
Tell me his name!"
Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly, .
Peter, Peter, something or other..."
___________________________________________
PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit
Gepetto to see if he could help.
Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
_____________________________________________
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No, you're not.
You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book."
____________________________________________
MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey,
"You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's f**king Goofy."
___________________________________________
SNOW WHITE saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me!
Lie to me!"
___________________________________________
Did you know .Captain Hook died from jock itch.
____________________________________________
One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have sex.
"What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said,
"Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."
Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp,
"What the hell did you do that for?"
"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan.

 

[done_got_old]

ADULT FAIRY TALES


CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her.
As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
" I met a prince, Fairy Godmother.
He took care of everything."
The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power!
Tell me his name!"
Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly, .
Peter, Peter, something or other..."
___________________________________________
PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit
Gepetto to see if he could help.
Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
_____________________________________________
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No, you're not.
You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book."
____________________________________________
MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey,
"You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's f**king Goofy."
___________________________________________
SNOW WHITE saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me!
Lie to me!"
___________________________________________
Did you know .Captain Hook died from jock itch.
____________________________________________
One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have sex.
"What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said,
"Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."
Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp,
"What the hell did you do that for?"
"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan.

 

[done_got_old]

During a funeral for a woman who had henpecked her husband, drove her kids half nuts, scrapped with the neighbors at the slightest opportunity, and even made neurotics of their cat and dog with her explosive temper. As the casket was lowered into the grave, a violent thunderstorm broke, and the pastor's benediction was drowned out by a blinding flash of lightning, followed by terrific thunder. "Well, at least we know she got there all right," commented her husband

 

[done_got_old]

What's the difference between being hungry and being horny?

Where you put the cucumber.

 

[ga400us]

What's the difference between being hungry and being horny?

Where you put the cucumber.

Good one!

 

[done_got_old]

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the home-owner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.. Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck - he was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.

'Be strong. I love you, too!'

 

[ga400us]

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the home-owner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.. Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck - he was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.

'Be strong. I love you, too!'

Love it!

 

[jeff_is_smiling]

A Gilbert Gottfried joke:

What's THE smartest thing to ever come out of a woman's mouth?

Albert Einstein's cock.

 

[done_got_old]

A Gilbert Gottfried joke:

What's THE smartest thing to ever come out of a woman's mouth?

Albert Einstein's cock.

rotflol

 

[settledseas]

https://68.media.tumblr.com/fac9040b6ca9de536860392a93979e34/tumblr_okbdgqq5KE1v0e4i0o1_500.jpg

 

[done_got_old]

A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: "An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising position.'"

"See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded the jury candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him."

She wasn't selected for the jury.

 

[SithLordSexyPants1]

an oldie but goodie....


Why was Frosty the Snowman happy?
He heard there was a snow blower in the neighborhood.

 

[done_got_old]

*FAMOUS SPORTS QUOTES*​

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season..."I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." - Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996

"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." - Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh.

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker. "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."



"You guys line up alphabetically by height." - Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach


"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle." - Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach


Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for four years, not Princeton."

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."

Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of all the clubs that we went to."

Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back."

Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet."

Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating."

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.' "

 

[done_got_old]

There is a new restaurant in Spain that just opened where everybody dines in the restaurant completely naked. And you thought it was awkward going to dinner with your parents before.