Laughter is Contagious V2

[SithLordSexyPants1]

A pregnant woman was in a terrible accident that put her into a coma.
While she was in the coma they delivered her twins via C-section, a boy and a girl.
When she came to a few days later the nurse told her they delivered the babies and they were both normal and healthy. The nurse also said that for the hospital records they had her brother name the babies.
"My brother's a moron," she said. "What names did he give them?"
"He named the girl Denise," the nurse said.
"That's a nice name," said the woman. "What did he name the boy?"
"Da Nephew"

 

[done_got_old]

A pregnant woman was in a terrible accident that put her into a coma.
While she was in the coma they delivered her twins via C-section, a boy and a girl.
When she came to a few days later the nurse told her they delivered the babies and they were both normal and healthy. The nurse also said that for the hospital records they had her brother name the babies.
"My brother's a moron," she said. "What names did he give them?"
"He named the girl Denise," the nurse said.
"That's a nice name," said the woman. "What did he name the boy?"
"Da Nephew"

Supposedly this is a true story. I believe it was first published in Reader's Digest.

 

[done_got_old]

While I was dining in the restaurant of a large hotel, I heard a loud crash. A waitress had dropped a whole tray of coffee cups, plates, and dishes. Being only a couple tables away from her, I felt a stinging pain in my hand where I was cut from the shattered debris. I was immediately escorted to the hotel doctor.

"What happened?" he asked.

I said, "Attacked by a flying saucer."

 

[done_got_old]

Hit the gym this morning, then had a nice shower.

I've just picked up a bottle of home brew from one of the neighbours for this afternoon.

I've got a few joints rolled up for the XBox tournament with the guys.

After that I'll fuck around online with some porn and gambling sites.

Then to finish off the perfect day, it's a nice blow job before I go to bed.

Fuck, I love prison!

 

[ga400us]

Hit the gym this morning, then had a nice shower.

I've just picked up a bottle of home brew from one of the neighbours for this afternoon.

I've got a few joints rolled up for the XBox tournament with the guys.

After that I'll fuck around online with some porn and gambling sites.

Then to finish off the perfect day, it's a nice blow job before I go to bed.

Fuck, I love prison!

Didn't see that coming!

 

[done_got_old]

As the high school teacher was correcting essays written by her students she read, "Pedro jumped on his burrow and rode off into the sunset."

She wrote at the bottom of the page, "You obviously have problems with homonyms. A burrow is a hole in the ground. A burro is an ass. At your age it's time to learn the difference."

 

[done_got_old]

While driving through a seedy part of town, I noticed a strange storefront sandwiched between a strip bar and a liquor store. All of its windows were painted a suspicious black.

Then I saw the sign over the door that proudly proclaimed: "Welcome to Kinko's. We have nothing to do with office supplies."

 

[done_got_old]

In North Carolina, a mother is suing a daycare center because one of the workers there breastfed her son without permission. Authorities say she doesn't really have a case because her son is 32.

 

[TheLM]

In North Carolina, a mother is suing a daycare center because one of the workers there breastfed her son without permission. Authorities say she doesn't really have a case because her son is 32.

Hahahaha

 

[done_got_old]

A young man went up to his father and asked him, "Can I have twenty bucks for a blow job?"

His father said, "I don't know. Are you any good?"

 

[done_got_old]

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text;

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

He replied, "I am on the toilet. Please advise."

 

[done_got_old]

As the high school teacher was correcting essays written by her students she read, "Pedro jumped on his burrow and rode off into the sunset."

She wrote at the bottom of the page, "You obviously have problems with homonyms. A burrow is a hole in the ground. A burro is an ass. At your age it's time to learn the difference."

 

[done_got_old]

A professor stood before his class of twenty senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam.

"I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you've all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school after summer. So that no one gets their GPA messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a 'B' for the test."

There was much rejoicing in the class as students got up, walked to the front of the class, and took the professor up on his offer. As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, "Anyone else? This is your last chance."

One final student rose up and opted out of the final.

The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining. "I'm glad to see you believe in yourselves," he said. "You all get 'A's."

 

[done_got_old]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind a third time to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" The Texan smiled and drawled,

"Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends!"

 

[newbiebabe]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind a third time to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" The Texan smiled and drawled,

"Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends!"

LOL!!

 

[SithLordSexyPants1]

The high school biology teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

"Mary do you know the answer?" Mrs. Parks asked one of the students in the class.

Mary blushed and stammered that she didn't know.

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

"One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

 

[done_got_old]

Pauly walks into a bar and says "Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!" The bartender says, "Well, Pauly, seems you're in a really good mood tonight, eh?"

Pauly says, "Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!"

The bartender congratulates the man and proceeds to pour the round.

Monday evening arrives. Pauly comes back into the bar and says, "Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!"

The bartender says, "Well now! If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your paycheck!"

Pauly looks at the bartender with a confused look on his face, pulls out quite a handful of quarters from his pocket, and says "You mean they'll PAY me on top of it?"

 

[done_got_old]

A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, "Do you have any small notebooks?"

"Sorry," says the manager. "We're all out."

The woman shrugs, and asks, "Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?"

"Nope, don't have that either," says the manager.

The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, "Do you have Doritos? Nachos?"

The manager shrugs, "Sorry."

"Hmmph. How about Chapstick?" says the woman.

"Nope. Don't have that."

"Well" the woman says, "If you don't have anything, why don't you close the store?"

The manager shrugs, "Can't. Don't have the key."

 

[ga400us]

Medicare Part G

If you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and need
Long-Term Care, but the government says there is no Nursing Home care
available for you, what do you do? You may opt for Medicare Part G.

The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Part G) and one bullet. You may then
shoot one worthless politician.

This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive
three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning,
cable TV, a library, and all the health care you need. Need new teeth? No
problem.

Need glasses? That’s great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs,
sex change, or heart? They are all covered!

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do
now!

And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you
they can’t afford for you to go into a nursing home. And you will get rid of a useless
politician while you are at it. And now, because you are a prisoner, you don't have
to pay any more income taxes!

Is this a great country or what?

Now that you have solved your senior Long-Term Care problem, enjoy the rest of
your week!

 

[ga400us]

The high school biology teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

"Mary do you know the answer?" Mrs. Parks asked one of the students in the class.

Mary blushed and stammered that she didn't know.

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

"One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

Heck, she'd be disappointed if it was only 5 times its size, unless she's as bad at math as she is at biology.

 

[ga400us]

Old farts live on

Have You Ever Been Guilty Of Looking At Others Your Own Age And Thinking,
Surely I Can 't Look That Old.

Well . . . You 'll Love This One.

My Name Is Alice, And I Was Sitting In The Waiting Room For My
First Appointment With A New Dentist.

I Noticed His Dds Diploma On The Wall, Which Bore His Full Name.

Suddenly, I Remembered A Tall, Handsome, Dark-haired Boy With The Same Name
Had Been In My High School Class Some 40-odd Years Ago.

Could He Be The Same Guy That I Had A Secret Crush On, Way Back Then?

Upon Seeing Him, However, I Quickly Discarded Any Such Thought.

This Balding, Gray-haired Man With The Deeply Lined Face Was Way Too Old To
Have Been My Classmate.

After He Examined My Teeth, I Asked Him If He Had Attended Morgan Park High
School ...

'yes. Yes, I Did. I 'm A Mustang, ' He Gleamed With Pride.

When Did You Graduate? ' I Asked.

He Answered, 'in 1967.. Why Do You Ask? '

You Were In My Class!', I Exclaimed.

He Looked At Me Closely. Then, That Ugly, Old, Bald, Wrinkle-faced, Fat-assed,
Gray-haired, Decrepit Son-of-a-bitch Asked Me,

'what Did You Teach???'

 

[Sundayschild]

^^^Ouch!!

 

[ga400us]

Shoot or don't shoot?

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en-route home, he
asks the cabby if he would be a witness, because the man suspects his wife is having an affair, and
he wants to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on
the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife, naked as a jay bird, with a man, totally nude
also. The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, “Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.”
“HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat. HE paid for your Football season tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4.
HE paid for our country club membership and he even pays the monthly dues.
And because of HIM, I can put an extra $2,000 in our checking account each month.”

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun, looks over at the cabby and says,
'What would you do'?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket, before he catches a damned cold.'

 

[ga400us]

Hearing vs Understanding

At a travel agency in Shanghai, I asked the Chinese girl behind the counter
if she could escort me on a city tour and asked her for her mobile number
so I could call her to make arrangements.

She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said, "Sex sex sex, wan
free sex for tonight".

I replied, "Wow, you Chinese women are really hospitable!

A guy standing next to me overheard, tapped me on the shoulder and said,
"What she really said was: 666136429.

 

[done_got_old]

If you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and need
Long-Term Care, but the government says there is no Nursing Home care
available for you, what do you do? You may opt for Medicare Part G.

The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Part G) and one bullet. You may then
shoot one worthless politician.

This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive
three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning,
cable TV, a library, and all the health care you need. Need new teeth? No
problem.

Need glasses? That’s great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs,
sex change, or heart? They are all covered!

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do
now!

And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you
they can’t afford for you to go into a nursing home. And you will get rid of a useless
politician while you are at it. And now, because you are a prisoner, you don't have
to pay any more income taxes!

Is this a great country or what?

Now that you have solved your senior Long-Term Care problem, enjoy the rest of
your week!

About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room.

I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back to back.

As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, “I understand you’ve been on this ship for the last four cruises.” She replied, “Yes, that’s true.” I stated, “I don’t understand” and she replied, without a pause, “It’s cheaper than a nursing home.”

So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:
1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.

2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day (of fantastic food, not institutional food) if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week).

3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.

4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.

5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days!

7. TV broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.

8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don’t even have to ask for them.

9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

10. There is always a doctor on board.

Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don’t look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.

PS: And don’t forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at no charge.