Laughter is Contagious V2

[done_got_old]

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.

Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. The people who produce the bottles. The truck drivers who deliver the beer and the retailers who sell it.

If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.

Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

 

[done_got_old]

The new stewardess was summoned to the office of the head of the training program for a severe reprimand.

"I heard about that episode on your first flight, Miss Larson," said the director, glaring over the top of her glasses. "From now on, whenever a passenger feels faint, I'll thank you to push his head down between his OWN legs!"

 

[done_got_old]

A 100-year-old Dutch woman recently persuaded local police to arrest her to fulfill an item on her bucket list. Cool story for her, not so much for the victims of her double homicide.

 

[done_got_old]

A man with a mask on walks into a bank and goes to the desk. He pulls out a gun and points it at the lady at the desk. He says, “Open the vault skank”.

The woman says, “Sir, this is a sperm bank. We don’t have any money here”.

The man says, “Open the vault right now or I’m going to blow your fucking head off”. She opens the vault and turns back to the man and he said, “Take out one of those jars”.

The woman said, “Please sir, I swear we don’t have any money here. This is a sperm bank”.

The man said, “Take out one of those jars right now or I’ll blow your fucking head off”. The women turns, grabs the jar and looks back to the man and he said, “Take lid off and swallow it”. She looks at him in disgust and pleads to him saying, “Sir, this is sperm. Please, I’m not drinking sperm. We don’t have any money here. Please leave”. The man says, “Take the lid off and drink it or ill blow your fucking head off'. So the woman’s takes off the lid and kicks it back real quick and swallows it with little to no problem then turns to look back at the man and to her amazement he took off the mask and it was her husband. He looked at her and said, “See! It's not that fucking difficult is it”.

 

[done_got_old]

an oldie

I went to the doctor's the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, and drop-dead gorgeous!

I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can."

"Well," I said, "I think my dick tastes funny..."

 

[ga400us]

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,' 'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

 

[done_got_old]

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,' 'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

 

[frustratedthoughts]

...I was walking past the fenced in yard of the local mental hospital the other day, and heard several patients chanting...13....13...13...13... I was curious as to what was going on, so I peeked through a hole in the wooden fence to catch a glimpse. Some asshole poked me in the eye with a stick and I leapt back, only to hear the patients' chanting of 14....14....14....!

 

[done_got_old]

On the first day of the school term the shop teacher was surprised to see a rather proper-looking young lady sitting in the front row of his classroom. Her name was Emily and she was the only girl to sign up for the woodwork class.

The bemused teacher asked her if she was sure she was in the right class. Emily assured him that she was.

The teacher, still somewhat puzzled, added, "This course may be a bit out of your league. Do you have any experience at all working with tools?"

"What exactly do you mean?" Emily asked.

"Well, for example, do you know the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" the teacher expounded.

After pondering for a moment, Emily admitted, "I can't really say, since I've never been 'bolted'."

 

[done_got_old]

For the first few months of her co-op job for the state of Georgia, my sister had nothing to do, so she surfed the Web or did crossword puzzles. One day she expressed her boredom to a co-worker.

"I know," she complained. "Everyone thinks state workers have it easy. But there's only so much you can pretend you're doing."

 

[done_got_old]

"Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?" I asked my friend.

"He wants to be a garbage man," he replied.

"That's an unusual ambition to have at such a young age."

"Not really. He thinks that garbage men work only on Tuesdays."

 

[ga400us]

Sexy wins every time

A retired older couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful blonde in a mini skirt and halter top.

The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply. "Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $55,000 asking price," said the older man. "Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $45,000 to the lovely young lady there."

"And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model."

The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water. "Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?", replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.

Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man... "There you go," she said. "I told you I could get him to lower the price.... see you later Dad"

 

[done_got_old]

A retired older couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful blonde in a mini skirt and halter top.

The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply. "Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $55,000 asking price," said the older man. "Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $45,000 to the lovely young lady there."

"And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model."

The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water. "Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?", replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.

Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man... "There you go," she said. "I told you I could get him to lower the price.... see you later Dad"

1love it!

 

[SithLordSexyPants1]

A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier.
"Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So
the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely
gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier
discreetly whispers to the man, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes
for $65,000."

"No problem! I'll write you a check!"

"Very good, sir," says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may
come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared."

So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The
store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?!
There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"

"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most
wonderful weekend of my life!"

 

[SithLordSexyPants1]

A country woman and her daughter were riding in an old pen buggy one cold,blustery January day in North Dakota.

The daughter said to the mother. "My hands are freezing cold." The mother
replied. "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up."

So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend.

The boyfriend said. "My hands are freezing cold."

The girl replied. "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up." He did,
and his hands warmed up.

The next day, the boyfriend was again driving in the buggy with the girl. He
said, "My nose is freezing cold."

The girl replied. "Put it between my legs. It will warm up." He did and his
nose warmed up.

The next day, the boy friend was once again driving with the girl and
he said, "My penis is frozen solid."

The next day, the girl is driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"

The somewhat concerned mother says, "Yes, I have. Why do you ask?"

The daughter says, "Well, they make one hell of a mess when they thaw
out!"

 

[done_got_old]

A country woman and her daughter were riding in an old pen buggy one cold,blustery January day in North Dakota.

The daughter said to the mother. "My hands are freezing cold." The mother
replied. "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up."

So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend.

The boyfriend said. "My hands are freezing cold."

The girl replied. "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up." He did,
and his hands warmed up.

The next day, the boyfriend was again driving in the buggy with the girl. He
said, "My nose is freezing cold."

The girl replied. "Put it between my legs. It will warm up." He did and his
nose warmed up.

The next day, the boy friend was once again driving with the girl and
he said, "My penis is frozen solid."

The next day, the girl is driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"

The somewhat concerned mother says, "Yes, I have. Why do you ask?"

The daughter says, "Well, they make one hell of a mess when they thaw
out!"

Good one!

 

[SithLordSexyPants1]

Man sits down at a bar on St. Patrick's Day and takes a small piano out of his pocket then a small 10-inch man who sits down at the piano and starts playing it.

The bartender asks what's up with that.

The man says "Last St. Patrick's Day I found a leprechaun who granted me one wish, but unfortunately he was hard of hearing."

"What makes you say that?" asked the bartender.

"Do you really think I wished for a 10-inch pianist?" replies the man.

 

[SithLordSexyPants1]

Mary, who's 6 years old, went to her daddy crying.
"Mommy almost died earlier this afternoon."
Panicked the father asked "Oh my god, what happened?"
"Well, she was laying on her back yelling Oh Jesus, I'm coming, Jesus, I'm coming and if it hadn't been for the mailman laying on top her she surely would have gone up to heaven"

 

[ga400us]

Irish Kindness

The Irish are always first to come to the aid of their fellow man…….

Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals.
I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.”

When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of our 10 hour flight.”

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later:

“If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available."

 

[ga400us]

Last Wish

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of
impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate
chip cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled down the stairs.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in
heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were
literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it
heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of
sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on
his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous
taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him
back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie
at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by
his wife, "Don't Ernest!" she said, "They're for the funeral."

 

[SithLordSexyPants1]

A 25-year-old hot blonde married an 85-year-old rich man thinking that she would fuck him on their wedding night giving him a heart attack that killed him so she could inherit all his money.

On the wedding night, she laid on the bed naked and called to him that she was ready for him.
She looked horrified when he came out of the bathroom wearing a condom, ear plugs on a chain, and a noseplug around his neck.
"What are those for?" she asked with a hint of fear in her voice.
"If there's two things I can't stand, it's the sound of woman screaming and the smell of burning rubber," he replied.

 

[done_got_old]

In my sociology class, we were instructed to write down answers to some questions the teacher was asking.

"Next question," announced the instructor. "How would you like to be seen by the opposite sex?"

I was thinking about my answer when the young woman next to me turned and asked, "How do you spell 'intellectual?'"

 

[ga400us]

We already knew this!

Laughter is Contagious

 

[ga400us]

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

OPP officer: Age?

Husband: I'm not sure. Somewhere between 50 and 60. We don't do birthdays.

OPP officer: Height ?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

OPP OFFICER: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

OPP OFFICER: Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

OPP OFFICER: Color of hair ?Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.

OPP OFFICER: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

OPP OFFICER: What kind of car did she go in ?

Husband: She went in my truck.

OPP OFFICER: What kind of truck was it ?

Husband: 2016, manufactured September 16th, pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power outlets.I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.

At this point the husband started choking up.


OPP OFFICER: Take it easy sir. We'll find your truck

 

[ga400us]

Irish Kindness

The Irish are always first to come to the aid of their fellow man…….
Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals.
I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.”
When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of our 10 hour flight.”
Her next announcement came about 2 hours later:

“If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available."