Kim's poly/kink thread reinvented ...

[KimGordon67]

This thread start life in the Fetish board ... I've never been the best at working out where things belong, but it's sort of died out over there. Cookie, who always knows best, suggested I link it here and see if the conversation might continue ... partly, I guess, because I'm trying to get my head back together after my nearly-four-year relationship imploded.
Long story short ... I met the BF while still married, tried to run both things for a while (with everyone's knowledge), but the marriage ended, for largely unrelated reasons, at which point the BF seemed to think it would just be the two of us, but turns out I'm pretty adamantly non-monogamous. We spent two years trying to work through to a point that would work for both of us ... actually, no, we spent about two months trying to do that, and the previous 22 months me waiting for him to start doing that, and then finally pushing the point.
So I put myself on a couple of dating sites, and chatted with a guy I seemed to get on with, and arranged a date - honestly, just a date - and the BF pretty much flipped out. I suddenly realised that if he was ever going to be OK with this - and that's a pretty big 'if' - it was going to be a lot longer to get to that point. Yes, I could have worked through that, but I think once you hit 50, you realise there isn't that much time left to be happy, and you need to grab as much of that as you can.

I miss him terribly, but I'm trying to be resolute, because I know that if we're together, and I'm not being monogamous, at least one of us, and probably both of us, is going to be unhappy. So here I am ... and why is this in the BDSM forum? Because the whole story of getting here is woven in with me discovering the 'submissive' side of myself ... and now wondering what the hell I do about that.

 

[midwestyankee]

Kim,
I hope this thread thrives, both because the role of control in poly relationships has always fascinated me from the outside and I’m curious to see if it’s a subject that resonates with others and because I sense that you may be in a place where you can offer some thoughtful leadership here.

 

[KimGordon67]

LOL - I don't feel in a position to offer leadership on anything other than how to completely screw up your relationships at the moment. If anyone needs advice on THAT, I'm totally your man. Woman. You know what I mean.

I'm interested in you saying 'the role of control in poly relationships' ... do you want to expand on that a little bit?

 

[KimGordon67]

I really can't believe I have to say this, but if people could resist the urge to use this thread as a leaping off point for sending me moralising judgey PMs, that would be great. I'm a total mess at the moment, and having people going 'tsk tsk' is not really helping. If you have some ethical issue with the concept of polyamory, maybe this thread, or my PMs, isn't the place for you. Lit's big enough for you to find somewhere else to be.

I probably should clarify something about my original post (which I think is in the prior thread but maybe not) ... I never 'demanded' that the BF be non-monogamous, any more than he 'demanded' that I be monogamous. He's a 'naturally' monogamous person; I'm not. That's a very difficult mix in a relationship, and in our case it didn't work out. There were a myriad other factors at play in there, but fundamentally that was the base problem.

 

[MrRetro]

This thread start life in the Fetish board ... I've never been the best at working out where things belong, but it's sort of died out over there. Cookie, who always knows best, suggested I link it here and see if the conversation might continue ... partly, I guess, because I'm trying to get my head back together after my nearly-four-year relationship imploded.
Long story short ... I met the BF while still married, tried to run both things for a while (with everyone's knowledge), but the marriage ended, for largely unrelated reasons, at which point the BF seemed to think it would just be the two of us, but turns out I'm pretty adamantly non-monogamous. We spent two years trying to work through to a point that would work for both of us ... actually, no, we spent about two months trying to do that, and the previous 22 months me waiting for him to start doing that, and then finally pushing the point.
So I put myself on a couple of dating sites, and chatted with a guy I seemed to get on with, and arranged a date - honestly, just a date - and the BF pretty much flipped out. I suddenly realised that if he was ever going to be OK with this - and that's a pretty big 'if' - it was going to be a lot longer to get to that point. Yes, I could have worked through that, but I think once you hit 50, you realise there isn't that much time left to be happy, and you need to grab as much of that as you can.

I miss him terribly, but I'm trying to be resolute, because I know that if we're together, and I'm not being monogamous, at least one of us, and probably both of us, is going to be unhappy. So here I am ... and why is this in the BDSM forum? Because the whole story of getting here is woven in with me discovering the 'submissive' side of myself ... and now wondering what the hell I do about that.

Breaking up with a partner and friend is always tough, regardless of reason. I actually think that your awareness of yourself and your resolve to live your life authentically is warming.

I personally feel Poly relationships can work exceptionally well where communication and trust are harnessed as essential components.

Stay strong Kim, I’m sure you’ll find what it is you’re looking for.

 

[AlwaysFara]

I really can't believe I have to say this, but if people could resist the urge to use this thread as a leaping off point for sending me moralising judgey PMs, that would be great. I'm a total mess at the moment, and having people going 'tsk tsk' is not really helping. If you have some ethical issue with the concept of polyamory, maybe this thread, or my PMs, isn't the place for you. Lit's big enough for you to find somewhere else to be.

I probably should clarify something about my original post (which I think is in the prior thread but maybe not) ... I never 'demanded' that the BF be non-monogamous, any more than he 'demanded' that I be monogamous. He's a 'naturally' monogamous person; I'm not. That's a very difficult mix in a relationship, and in our case it didn't work out. There were a myriad other factors at play in there, but fundamentally that was the base problem.

Who would fucking do that?
Geez.
I’m sorry.

I am going to offer input, but this is from how I would feel.
And I’m not poly.
I am interested in understanding it, though. I have close family members and friends that are.

I have to say that I kinda get how your BF feels. If I was in a poly relationship and one person left, I would want the same thing... because I’m not poly.


Does he want to date others, or was it only you?


How’s the dating scene? I haven’t heard great things from my friends.

 

[SubtleFriction]

I probably should clarify something about my original post (which I think is in the prior thread but maybe not) ... I never 'demanded' that the BF be non-monogamous, any more than he 'demanded' that I be monogamous. He's a 'naturally' monogamous person; I'm not. That's a very difficult mix in a relationship, and in our case it didn't work out. There were a myriad other factors at play in there, but fundamentally that was the base problem.

I'm a complete newbie here, so I'm a little nervous commenting, but this makes complete sense to me.

My wife and I are both gently polyamorous. We're both okay with the other having a fling with someone else. (She has, I haven't) But we're both also very emotionally invested in our relationship together. It's really important to her that I'm there for her, and it's very important to me that she's there for me. So while we're both okay with the other one fooling around, we'd both feel hurt if we felt like that fooling around had created an emotional wall between us.

So maybe its a case of him being unable to separate your physical intimacy with someone else with the emotional intimacy you shared with him? Or maybe him not realizing you could have emotional intimacy with someone else without it jeopardizing your feelings for him?

In any case, relationships are hard, and I'm sorry that things didn't work out for you. And I hope you find exactly the right person (or multiple people ) that you're looking for.

 

[cookiecat]

I'm a complete newbie here, so I'm a little nervous commenting, but this makes complete sense to me.

My wife and I are both gently polyamorous. We're both okay with the other having a fling with someone else. (She has, I haven't) But we're both also very emotionally invested in our relationship together. It's really important to her that I'm there for her, and it's very important to me that she's there for me. So while we're both okay with the other one fooling around, we'd both feel hurt if we felt like that fooling around had created an emotional wall between us.

So maybe its a case of him being unable to separate your physical intimacy with someone else with the emotional intimacy you shared with him? Or maybe him not realizing you could have emotional intimacy with someone else without it jeopardizing your feelings for him?

In any case, relationships are hard, and I'm sorry that things didn't work out for you. And I hope you find exactly the right person (or multiple people ) that you're looking for.

Welcome newbie! I like the term "gently poly" - but I'm curious how you ensure the fooling around hasn't created an emotional wall?

How do you keep the physical and the emotional separate?

 

[cookiecat]

https://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=85370030&postcount=154

Another thing happened that I've been really trying to work out how to articulate ... around this time I went on an overseas holiday with my family. For reasons that I couldn't work out at the time, I was a total bitch of a lot of the time we were away ... just grumpy and with a foul temper. (OK, I do have a temper at the best of time, but not usually for a week at a time, and not usually when I'm on holiday.)

Looking back now, I think it was an indication that I was struggling a bit with the situation I'd found myself. I didn't feel guilty - I'd always been able to rationalise things with the 'no physical contact means it's OK' argument, and I still believe that. But this was the first time I'd felt this level of emotional connection with someone else, and I think I was trying to reconcile that with the fact that I was still totally committed to my marriage, and totally loved my husband ... and I guess, in part, why that didn't make me feel guilty. Somehow the whole concept of polyamory never crossed my mind at that point - had it, I might have found things easier to deal with, and also might have talked to my husband about what was going on at that point. I suspect I was trying to minimise the significance of the other thing too ... which, in retrospect, was a bit silly.

There's a myriad things I could mention to evidence that, but probably the most obvious one is the time, a couple of months later (I think) that TG was travelling for work, and we were in roughly similar time zones. I have another 'home' that I use half the week because I work in another town, so obviously I have a fair bit of time to myself ... and in this particular instance, the usually long phone calls we had went through a whole night - like, literally eight hours on the phone. You know, that moment when you realise that it's getting light and you still haven't actually gone to sleep. Obviously there was a lot of sex, but even I can't have sex solidly for eight hours (well, not usually anyway).

The holiday was still fun - I wasn't actually a bitch the entire time, and we did all enjoy ourselves, but I still feel bad about it not being as good as it could have been. I wish I'd worked some things out about myself a while earlier - mostly the fact that at this point in my life, I really seem to thrive in the context of more than one actual relationship.

This is where I'm at in your initial thread, Kim.

It's interesting in context with the post above from SubtleFriction about keeping emotionally connected with your primary. How this online / cyber / phone relationship with TG was something you looked forward to, were vested in and how it started creeping in to your face-to-face life.

I haven't read further than the above post. My question is did being emotionally connected to TG keep you from being connected to your husband? Were you more interested in TG than what was happening in your day to day life?

Or do I need to keep reading!?

 

[Bramblethorn]

Long story short ... I met the BF while still married, tried to run both things for a while (with everyone's knowledge), but the marriage ended, for largely unrelated reasons, at which point the BF seemed to think it would just be the two of us, but turns out I'm pretty adamantly non-monogamous. We spent two years trying to work through to a point that would work for both of us ... actually, no, we spent about two months trying to do that, and the previous 22 months me waiting for him to start doing that, and then finally pushing the point.
So I put myself on a couple of dating sites, and chatted with a guy I seemed to get on with, and arranged a date - honestly, just a date - and the BF pretty much flipped out.

*sigh*

If I had a dollar for every dude (or occasionally dudette) I've known who was fine with poly when it meant them getting laid, and then suddenly developed massive insecurities about it when it meant their partner getting laid... well, I wouldn't be rich, but I'd probably have enough to buy dinner.

And I know plenty of lovely self-aware poly folk who aren't like that. My partner will be like "hey, it's been ages since you saw your sweetheart [in another country], you should spend some money and go visit them". But the ones who aren't honest with themselves can do a huge amount of damage.

 

[SubtleFriction]

Welcome newbie! I like the term "gently poly" - but I'm curious how you ensure the fooling around hasn't created an emotional wall?

How do you keep the physical and the emotional separate?

I’m not sure our case is generalizable. We’re both odd people with odd interests and when we first met we’d both pretty much given up on finding anyone. So the likelihood of either of us finding someone else we deeply connect with is pretty small.

The one time she did sleep with another guy she was very up front about it and gave me the chance to object up front. But I was like “no that sounds really hot just tell me about it afterwards” and she did. Maybe I wouldn’t have been so cavalier if I’d been afraid she’d really get attached to him, but I knew that wasn’t going to happen.

So I don’t really have any wisdom to offer. I’m just sorry things went badly for KimGorden67.

 

[KimGordon67]

Breaking up with a partner and friend is always tough, regardless of reason. I actually think that your awareness of yourself and your resolve to live your life authentically is warming.

I personally feel Poly relationships can work exceptionally well where communication and trust are harnessed as essential components.

Stay strong Kim, I’m sure you’ll find what it is you’re looking for.

 

[KimGordon67]

Who would fucking do that?
Geez.
I’m sorry.

I am going to offer input, but this is from how I would feel.
And I’m not poly.
I am interested in understanding it, though. I have close family members and friends that are.

I have to say that I kinda get how your BF feels. If I was in a poly relationship and one person left, I would want the same thing... because I’m not poly.


Does he want to date others, or was it only you?


How’s the dating scene? I haven’t heard great things from my friends.

No, he very definitely only wanted (wants?) to have a relationship with me. He did, way earlier on, sleep with someone else, as some sort of weird 'test' that I never understood. Anyway, the result was that he didn't really like that.

Dating is ... weird. I've only been on one actual 'date' thus far, and it was fun - we had a nice meal, laughed a lot, but didn't really click in that sense. I've been chatting up another guy on Tinder for a while now ... my geographical situation makes just meeting up for coffee tricky, but I think we're invested enough to put a bit of effort in now. (I actually sent him a pissy message a few days ago because I thought he'd ghosted me ... turns out he'd had a heart attack. So ... yeah. Dating in your 40s/50s has some unique aspects, I guess?)

Oh, and the thing that freaks me out about dating is the fact that I might have to get nekkid in front of someone ... I'm so hating my body at the moment that I can't even begin to imagine that someone would find me attractive.

 

[KimGordon67]

I'm a complete newbie here, so I'm a little nervous commenting, but this makes complete sense to me.

My wife and I are both gently polyamorous. We're both okay with the other having a fling with someone else. (She has, I haven't) But we're both also very emotionally invested in our relationship together. It's really important to her that I'm there for her, and it's very important to me that she's there for me. So while we're both okay with the other one fooling around, we'd both feel hurt if we felt like that fooling around had created an emotional wall between us.

So maybe its a case of him being unable to separate your physical intimacy with someone else with the emotional intimacy you shared with him? Or maybe him not realizing you could have emotional intimacy with someone else without it jeopardizing your feelings for him?

In any case, relationships are hard, and I'm sorry that things didn't work out for you. And I hope you find exactly the right person (or multiple people ) that you're looking for.

I like the concept of 'gently polyamorous' too. I think it's nice that you've found something that works for you. And yes, it was him very much feeling that if I'm emotionally intimate with someone else, that takes something away from him - that he has less of my love because I'm giving it to someone else. Or that he's not enough for me. It's difficult to explain why that isn't the case, because I don't even really understand it myself, or at least not well enough to explain it in a way that makes sense to him. Although I don't know if it would ever make sense to him - I think it's just one of those things you 'get' or you don't 'get'.

 

[KimGordon67]

https://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=85370030&postcount=154




This is where I'm at in your initial thread, Kim.

It's interesting in context with the post above from SubtleFriction about keeping emotionally connected with your primary. How this online / cyber / phone relationship with TG was something you looked forward to, were vested in and how it started creeping in to your face-to-face life.

I haven't read further than the above post. My question is did being emotionally connected to TG keep you from being connected to your husband? Were you more interested in TG than what was happening in your day to day life?

Or do I need to keep reading!?

These are good questions, and the sort of thing I still ask myself. I didn't feel unconnected from my husband - I still don't even though we're separated. I think there was tension for me, though, because I was kind of fundamentally not being honest about something, and I didn't like that. I still feel badly, and every now and then I think about telling him the WHOLE story, but at this point it would just hurt him to no real positive end - we're separated, he has a new thing, our post-separation relationship is solid, there's nothing to be gained from telling him now other than alleviating my guilt about it.
I think if I'd been more aware of what was going on, and if I'd been in a context where I wasn't hiding things, I could have set better boundaries around stuff. I got better at that later. But I've never really had a situation in which I've been able to put these things into practice properly, so it's all theory.
There was a certain excitement about TG because the sex was so new. But I loved the stuff I did with my husband and family as well - we had huge amounts of fun together and still do, in a way that's quite special. I was, I think, just stressed from trying to balance everything and not doing a very good job of it, because I didn't really have a good understanding of what was going on.

 

[KimGordon67]

*sigh*

If I had a dollar for every dude (or occasionally dudette) I've known who was fine with poly when it meant them getting laid, and then suddenly developed massive insecurities about it when it meant their partner getting laid... well, I wouldn't be rich, but I'd probably have enough to buy dinner.

And I know plenty of lovely self-aware poly folk who aren't like that. My partner will be like "hey, it's been ages since you saw your sweetheart [in another country], you should spend some money and go visit them". But the ones who aren't honest with themselves can do a huge amount of damage.

Well, in his defence, he never tried to be non-monogamous himself ... just the once, and that wasn't what he wanted. He spent two years in a relationship with me while I was married as well, which for him was less than ideal, but was just happy that we got to spend time together. I think that's why I was flummoxed when he just assumed that we'd be monogamous when I left my husband ... I mean, all the evidence clearly demonstrated I wasn't that sort of person.

That point of being in a relationship where someone understands that spending time with another person makes you happy, and they want you to be happy, is where I'd like to get to. Before I'm too old and saggy for anyone to be interested would be nice.

 

[Dreamliner]

Sorry to hear about your challengers with the end of your relationship and the interesting dynamics in dating again Kim. Take care and manage what you can influence with yourself, the remainder will fall into place as you will be in a good space Kim.

 

[KimGordon67]

Who would fucking do that?
Geez.
I’m sorry.

And he came back! After I responded to his crappy email by telling him to take his moralizing elsewhere, apparently that just confirmed his assertion that I'm a strident shrew trying to 'control' my guy, even though I'm ostensibly sub. Or something. I don't know - it's all garbage. Notable that he chose to not air this opinion in public.

 

[MrRetro]

And he came back! After I responded to his crappy email by telling him to take his moralizing elsewhere, apparently that just confirmed his assertion that I'm a strident shrew trying to 'control' my guy, even though I'm ostensibly sub. Or something. I don't know - it's all garbage. Notable that he chose to not air this opinion in public.

Thankfully most of us here on Lit are quite open minded, we’re all here for a similar reason.. Lit is the place for you to feel understood Kim, not demoralised.. I hope this hasn’t upset you too much, you’re very much appreciated here..

 

[69johnmichaels]

Wow

And he came back! After I responded to his crappy email by telling him to take his moralizing elsewhere, apparently that just confirmed his assertion that I'm a strident shrew trying to 'control' my guy, even though I'm ostensibly sub. Or something. I don't know - it's all garbage. Notable that he chose to not air this opinion in public.

Do you have anger issues?

 

[Blase]

I'm interested in you saying 'the role of control in poly relationships' ... do you want to expand on that a little bit?

Just to offer a thought of my own, I think that saying, "the role of control in poly relationships" is like saying, "the role of control in relationships". Some poly relationships might have elements of control; doubtless others will not. I think we're back to the old saw about relationships being as different as fingerprints.

I did once start to get involved with a Litizen who was interested in both, but sadly the relationship never quite came together for various reasons, none of which had to do with D/s or polyamory.

Still, it's a big world...

 

[KimGordon67]

Do you have anger issues?

Oh look - you decided to go public after all. I get angry with moralising dicks. Personally, I don't think that's an issue. The moralising dicks possibly think otherwise.

 

[KimGordon67]

Just to offer a thought of my own, I think that saying, "the role of control in poly relationships" is like saying, "the role of control in relationships". Some poly relationships might have elements of control; doubtless others will not. I think we're back to the old saw about relationships being as different as fingerprints.

I did once start to get involved with a Litizen who was interested in both, but sadly the relationship never quite came together for various reasons, none of which had to do with D/s or polyamory.

Still, it's a big world...

I got the feeling (although I could be wrong) that MWY was alluding to the fact that if you have a d/s relationship, there's an implication of control there which is challenged by the notion of the s part of the relationship doing ... other things. Although I could have read him completely wrong there.
I guess one thing to note is that the d/s aspect of our relationship was only ever in relation to the sex - I'm not someone who is able to be, nor wants to be, sub in any other aspect of my life ... I get why some people are, but I'm just not one of them.

 

[KimGordon67]

Thankfully most of us here on Lit are quite open minded, we’re all here for a similar reason.. Lit is the place for you to feel understood Kim, not demoralised.. I hope this hasn’t upset you too much, you’re very much appreciated here..

I know ... in my experience the lifespans of people like this on Lit tend to be quite limited. In the original thread there was actually an explosion at some point with someone who similarly decided to be all judgey. That didn't go so well for him.

 

[PWilton]

Hey Kim
You can see that most of us admire your uncompromising search for happiness and are pulling for you.

Don't forget about the ignore function! The Ig-nore List is for those who are Ig-norant.