Jokes

[FreddyKneeChi]

Private Pyle enlisted in the Army in 1939...

The first day the Army gave him a comb.
The second day they shaved his head.

The third day the Army gave him a toothbrush.
The fourth day they pulled seven of his teeth.

The fifth day they gave him a jockstrap.
The Army hasn't known his whereabouts since that day.

 

[FreddyKneeChi]

A minister was taking his congregation on a trip but they had to use the bus with a driver who was absolutely crazy. Sure enough, the crazy driver crashed and everyone on the bus died.

<Up in heaven>

Saint Peter is leading the minister and his congregation - and the bus driver - down through heaven to show them the home that is provided for them. Most of the congregation gets a pretty good home for being such faithful servants of God.
Eventually only the bus driver and the minister are left. St. Peter shows them to a gigantic, plush, beautiful mansion which causes the minister to become excited about his heavenly reward. However, St. Peter tells the bus driver that this is HIS new home and with glee the crazy bus driver runs up to his mansion.
At first the minister is confused, for the bus driver didn't lead a very good life and yet got a wonderful reward. However, the minister is happy to know that he will probably recieve an even more grand home.
St. Peter leads the minister out of the ritzy neighborhood with the mansions, past the ritzy condos, past the ranches, and eventually they wind up in a trailer park. St. Peter points to a dingy mobile home and tells the minister that this is his new home. By now the minister is in tears, and asks St. Peter why he is being punished for his lifetime of servitude...
...
...
...
St. Peter, "Well, you see. Up here in heaven we're pretty results-oriented. When you spoke your long-ass boring sermon... everyone slept. But when that crazy bastard drove that bus... the people prayed."

 

[Succulent-one]

Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in a retirement community. They met in
their social center and discovered over time
that they enjoyed each
other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude
asked Maude out for dinner and much to his delight,
she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic
restaurant in town, and despite his age, Claude
was still a charmer.
Afterward Claude asked Maude to join him at his place for an after dinner
drink. Things continued along a natural course
and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable
roll in the hay. As they were basking in the
afterglow of the magic moment they'd shared, each was lost for a time in
their own thoughts.

Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been more
gentle."
Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off
my pantyhose."

 

[slowndeep]

The Pope arrived in England and he was whisked away to a waiting Rolls Royce. The driver opened the back door and saidly quietly"Your seat your eminence"

The Pope stalled and looked deeply into the driver's eyes said "Please let me drive today , no one EVER let's me drive!"

Being a good catholic , the driver obeyed and got in the back. The Pope took the driver's seat , left the airport and hit the motorway. In no time he's doing 120 mph and the driver in the back is screaming for him to slow down..

Within a mile , a cop comes , siren blaring and the Pope pulls over.

The cop walks to the car and looks in - he checks again and says "Er , wait here please sir" and races to his radio.

He gets through to the Police Commissioner and says" I got a HUGE problem sir , I stopped someone VERY important for doing 120 on the motorway"

"then prosecute the maniac" said the boss

"But he's REALLY important sir!" he replied

"What , like an MP?"

"No sir - even bigger!!"

"Royalty?"

"NO sir!! bigger!!!"

"Bigger than royalty?? Who you got there?"

" I think it's God sir - he's got the fucking Pope as a chauffer!!!"

 

[veryblueeyes]

Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and feel forever grateful doing so. That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frogs legs seasoned in a wine and onion cream sauce she chuckled to herself and thought: I don't fucking think so.

 

[carrie-on]

Larry is driving 'round the farm, checking the fences. After a few
minutes he radioes his boss, BillyBob and says, "BillyBob, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck under my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?"
Billybob replies, "In the back of your truck there's a
shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush."
Larry agrees and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back.
"BillyBob I did what you said,I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."
"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.
"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing."

 

[Mysteryman5500]

A man walks into a bar. He sets $100 on the bar and tell the bartender he has a bet for him! The Bartender asks whats the bet the man tells him he will bet him the $100 that if he takes a bear mug to the end of the bar he can stand at the other and piss into the mug and not spill a drop on the bar! Now the bar tender thinks there is just no way this guy can do it so he smiles and takes the bet! He puts the mug at on end the man go to the other get on the bar unzips and lets fly!!! The man pisses everywhere not a single dop goes into the mug! The man gets down and the bartender while cleaning the bar takes the hundred!! after a couple of minutes cleaning the bartender notices the man is still standing there with a big grin on his face! The bartender says hay whats the mater you just lost $100 to me why are you smiling? The man says well you see that guy over there! I just bet him $1100 bucks I could piss on your bar and you would wipe it up with a smile!!!!!

 

[His lil secret]

A man doing market research knocks on a door and is greeted
by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
The man says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have
you ever used the product?"

The woman replies, "Yes, my husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

Taken aback, the researcher says, "Usually people lie to me
and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a hinge. But, in fact, I know most people do use it for sex.
I admire your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can
you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My
husband and I put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."

 

[Succulent-one]

Little Johnny

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

 

[Succulent-one]

REDNECK CHURCH
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... when the pastor says,
"I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... Baptism is referred to as "branding".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the! minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... "Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now!! Ya Hear"

 

[Joey3308]

http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/graphics/kerry_debate_podium.jpg

 

[Succulent-one]

Dating In 1957


It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up
his date, Jerry Sue.
Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck
tail hairdo.
When he goes to the front door, Jerry Sue's father
answers and invites him in.
"Jerry Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a
seat?" he says.
That's cool.
Jerry Sue's father asks Harold what they are planning
to do.
Harold replies politely that they will probably just
go to the malt shop or to a drive-in-movie.
Jerry Sue's father responds, "Why don't you kids go
out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold
and he says, "Whaaaat?"
"Yeah," says Jerry Sue's father, "We know Jerry Sue
really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear.
Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Jerry Sue comes downstairs in
her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces
that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts
his date out the front door while Dad is saying, "Have a good evening
kids," with a small wink for Harold.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled
Jerry Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and
screams at her father:

"Dammit Daddy! The Twist, it's called the Twist"

 

[Joey3308]

http://atomfilms.shockwave.com/content/goodtobeindc/frameset.html

 

[carrie-on]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me” .
12) The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry".
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

 

[carrie-on]

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The
little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He
says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's
too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of
hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a
board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray,
and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes
back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy
says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

 

[carrie-on]

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight,
and began dividing the nuts.

One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one
boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he
passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.

He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard,
One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I
heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to
walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth.
Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they
peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.

The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all.
Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.

 

[yesYesYEsYES]

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey," died peacefully at age 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

 

[Joey3308]

Deserted Island

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

* 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
* 2 French men and 1 French woman
* 2 German men and 1 German woman
* 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
* 2 English men and 1 English woman
* 2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
* 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
* 2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
* 2 New Zealander men and 1 New Zealander woman
* 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
* 2 American men and 1 American woman

One month later, the following things have occurred...

* One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

* The two French men and the French woman are living happily together.

* The two German men keep a strict weekly schedule of when each is allowed to spend time with the German woman.

*The two Greek men have the Greek woman cooking and cleaning for them.

* The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

* The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.

* The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

* The two Australian men beat each other senseless fighting over the Australian woman, who is busy checking out all the other men.

* Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep to clothe their women.

* The Irish divided the island into North and South and are setting up a distillery.

* The American woman keeps ranting about the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that men can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinions and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. The two American men have joined the Polish men who are swimming out to sea.

 

[Succulent-one]

THE COWBOY AND THE LESBIAN

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping
his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and
asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows,
going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring
calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my
dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As
soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I
think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about
women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy
and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

 

[Succulent-one]

Senility's Reward

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled
down in their old neighborhood and are celebrating their fiftieth wedding
anniversary. They walk down the street to their old school.

They hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he had
carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car
practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, but they don't know what
to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, and it's
fifty thousand dollars.
The husband says, "We've got to give it back."

She says, "Finders keepers." And she puts the money back in the bag and
hides it up in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking
for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, but did
either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

She says, "No."

The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says,
"Tell us the story from the beginning."

The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school
yesterday..."

The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "Let's get out of here."

 

[veryblueeyes]

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".

Again, there's a bright flash... and then his legs fall off!

 

[veryblueeyes]

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.

Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game, but unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host
could ask her the big question. Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home.

"I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow!"

"Relax, honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her. "It will all be OK."

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door.

"Where are you going?" Jane asked.

"I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon" he replied.

Jane waited impatiently for Roger's return. After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"

"What is it?" she cried excitedly.

"OK. The question is: 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?'

And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.'"

Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep, with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was
shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question.

"The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.

And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins.

The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question.

"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds."

"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds."

"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

"That's close enough," said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!"

 

[veryblueeyes]

Top 10 things NOT to say to parents when picking up a date.

10. "Sorry I'm a little late. I had to stop by the drugstore."
9. "Show me how you used to spank her."
8. "Please come inside? Wow, you sound just like your daughter."
7. "Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?"
6. "I just got my license today."
5. "I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped me mature."
4. "Five bucks says she's a D-cup."
3. "Hey do you have an empty pop can and some matches?"
2. "Hi. I'm Robert, but my friends call me 'Back Door Bob.'"
1. "So, does your wife just lay there during sex too?

 

[Succulent-one]

New Medications for Women

D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... Can we get naked now?.."

B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

A N T I T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

N A G A M E N T
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

 

[Succulent-one]

FBI

"Hello, is this the FBI? "
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Virgil Smith.
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Virgil's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They sneer at Virgil and leave.
The phone rings at Virgil's house "Hey, Virgil!
This here is Floyd. Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"
Who Says Rednecks Aren't Real Bright