Jokes

[Joey3308]

Highway 119

A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it.... Cop: "Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?"

Blonde: "Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65."

Cop: "Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!" Blonde: "Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on."

At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts. Cop: "Excuse me miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something awful."

Blonde: "Oh... We just got off of highway 119".

 

[Mysteryman5500]

Laugh and the world laughs with you! Screw up just once and the world laughs at you!

WHAT DO YOU GET IF YOU CROSS A DONKEY WITH AN ONION?

Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears.

But every once in a while, you luck out and get a piece of ass
that brings tears to your eyes

 

[Mysteryman5500]

A scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's
breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through
the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference announcing the invention,
a large group of men took the scientist outside
and kicked the living crap out of him.

 

[Joey3308]

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

 

[Mysteryman5500]

Subject: Carnation Milk



For all of those you who can remember Carnation evaporated milk in cans!!!



I'm still laughing at this one . . .



When opening a can of Carnation evaporated milk for your recipes just smile and think of this.



A little old lady from North Carolina had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation ... and when canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan/rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all...." and she said, "I know all about milk and dairy farms... I can do this!"



She sent in her entry, and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house... a man got out and said, "Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $1000, even though we will not be able to use it...."



Here is her entry:




Carnation milk is best of all, no tits to pull, no hay to haul, no buckets to wash, no shit to pitch, just poke a hole in the son-of-a-bitch!

 

[veryblueeyes]

NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I eagerly accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event: Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili Judge # 1-- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 --Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3 --(Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2 --Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 --Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili Judge # 1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans. Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer. Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB. lady is starting to look HOT-just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac? Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks. Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone. Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. Chili #8 Tommy's Toenail Curling Chili Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

 

[carrie-on]

Dear Friends,

My wife Kathy is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will
be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have
outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled
in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled
my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought
something really cool for Toni. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I
was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came
across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For
those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal
stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a
shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The
effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on
your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You
simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button,
and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching,
whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in
action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin'
directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not
create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for
effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it
against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting
back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did
so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!!
Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to
explain to Kathy what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay,
so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be
all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc.

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not
Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh
and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction
of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all.
But, if I was going to give this thing to Kathy to protect herself against a
mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I
wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time...

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly
make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the
while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than
3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy,
bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin'
way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.


What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed.
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side
as to say,"don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a
tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking
under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a
one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is
like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad
decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't
ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
**************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in
through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed
me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side
in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found,
soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position.
Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
licking my face,undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one
note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're
lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like
yours truly.)

SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as
time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I
had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the
mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh
and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up
with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two,
I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm
offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if
I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.

Dan

 

[CaLadyInRed69]

Carrie-on....... OMG that was great, and sad to say, I can actually see some men doing this, lolol. Thank you for starting out my morning out with a laugh! This reminds me of my husband saying "Honey, watch this...." as he is driving a borrowed truck in rainy weather and pulling off the road into mudd.... well, I'll leave the story there, lol.

es, CA

 

[Mysteryman5500]

OMFG

I am currently having a difficult time typing this strictly because I cant stop laughing Thanks carrie-on I needed that!!! The MM

 

[carrie-on]

I know what you mean about laughing so much. I was laughing so hard when I read it that I had tears pouring down my cheeks. Hubby said his stomach hurt from laughing so hard after I read it to him.
(please...call me carrie )

 

[Mysteryman5500]

Pleased to meet you carrie

Originally posted by Carrie-on

I know what you mean about laughing so much. I was laughing so hard when I read it that I had tears pouring down my cheeks. Hubby said his stomach hurt from laughing so hard after I read it to him.
(please...call me carrie )

I laughed so hard I couldnt type (took me three tries)
and my face hurt! Thank you Carrie

 

[Joey3308]

Drunken Office Party

After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, "What the hell happened?"

"As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied the wife.

"Piss on him," answered the husband.

"You did," said the wife, "and he fired you."

"Well, fuck him," said the husband.

"I did, and you go back to work in the morning."

 

[Joey3308]

Blind Lumber Man

A blind man went to a lumber yard for a job.

The boss didn't want to just tell him no, so he told him that if he could pass a test, he'd hire him.

He had one of his employees take him out back to identify some lumber. He brought the man to a pile of pine paneling, the man walked around the pile and sniffed, correctly identifying it as pine paneling.

The employee thought, "How did he do that?"

Next he took him to a pile of 2x4's. These he also correctly identified after sniffing around a bit. Now they were all amazed.

They decided it was time to trick him. They brought out the receptionist and laid her buck naked on her back.

The blind man walked around and sniffed.Obviously puzzled he walked around and sniffed and walked around and sniffed some more.

Scratching his head, he told them to flip it over. They did so and the sniffing continued. Suddenly he started laughing and said "You think you've got me, don't you? Well I know what that is.

That's the shit house door off of a tuna boat!

 

[Mysteryman5500]

An employee of USAir by the name of James Gay boarded a US Air flight
>with a free travel voucher. Soon after he sat down, someone else came
>and claimed he had the same seat assignment, so Mr. Gay moved down to
>an empty seat.
>
>Soon after that the airplane began to fill up. The rule with the US Air
>employee vouchers is that if a paying customer needs your seat, you
>have to surrender it. So when the flight became completely full and
>still more needed to get on, a flight attendant went to the original seat of
>Mr. Gay and said to the man now sitting there,
>
>"Excuse me, are you Gay?"
>
>The man, somewhat stunned, said,
>
>"Well, yes, as a matter of fact I am!"
>
>The flight attendant said,
>
>"I'm sorry, but you'll have to get off the plane."
>
>At this point Mr. Gay, who had been watching all of this,
>(and was rather amused) jumped up and said,
>"Excuse me, you've made a mistake I'm Gay!"
>
>Finally, another man jumped up and said,
>
>"Well, hell, I'm gay too! They can't throw us all off!"
>

 

[Joey3308]

For The Teacher

The teacher walks in and finds an apple on her desk with the letters "ILU" written on it.

The teacher asks who left it.

A little white girl raises her hand.

Well sweetie, what does "ILU" mean?

The little girl replies, "I love you."

The teacher says, "Isn't that sweet," and continues with class.

The next day the teacher finds a banana on her desk with the letters "YAS" written on it.

The teacher asks who left and what does it mean.

A little white boy raises his hand and says, "It means, You are special."

"Thank you sweetheart", the teacher says.

The following day, the teacher walks in to find a watermelon with the letters "FUCK" written on it.

The enraged teacher asks who left it and if they know what that means.

A little black girl raises her hand and cheerfully says, "Yes maam, I left it.

It means, from us colored kids!".

 

[Joey3308]

Bored? Take the "Man Test"


http://priceless420.com/Priceless-ManTest.htm

 

[barn888]

Dear Friends,

My wife Kathy is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will
be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have
outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled
in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled
my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought
something really cool for Toni. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I
was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came
across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For
those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal
stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a
shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The
effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on
your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You
simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button,
and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching,
whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in
action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin'
directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not
create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for
effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it
against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting
back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did
so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!!
Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to
explain to Kathy what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay,
so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be
all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc.

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not
Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh
and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction
of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all.
But, if I was going to give this thing to Kathy to protect herself against a
mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I
wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time...

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly
make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the
while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than
3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy,
bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin'
way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.


What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed.
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side
as to say,"don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a
tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking
under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a
one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is
like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad
decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't
ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
**************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in
through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed
me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side
in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found,
soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position.
Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
licking my face,undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one
note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're
lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like
yours truly.)

SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as
time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I
had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the
mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh
and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up
with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two,
I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm
offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if
I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.

Dan

I don't know you, CA, but that's one of the funniest damned things I've ever heard! lol. I hope you have fully recovered.

 

[Mysteryman5500]

Anybody remember summer camp?

Dear Mom & Dad,


Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay.

Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast.

I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it ! hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.

Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat bus.

He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until th! e highwa y patrol man stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison.

I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters & buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love, Skip

 

[Joey3308]

Magic Cream

A man had a problem, there was a red ring around his dick. He was really worried so he went to the doctor.

The doctor took a good look at it and then after awhile of uming and ering, he said "Well apply this on it and then come and see me in a few days."

The man was a bit relieved but was still worried about what would happen to his pride and joy. So that night before bed he applied the cream.

Sure enough by the morning the ring had disappeared. He was so happy he went straight to the doctors to tell him the good news.

He showed the doctor the ring was gone and the doctor was pleased.

The man asked him what the cream was.

The doctor replied, "Just lipstick remover."

 

[tonitits]

An English professor announced to the class, "There are two words I don't allow in my class. One is gross and the other is cool."
From the back of the room, a voice called out, "So, what are the words?"
___________________________________________________
After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the neighbor's boy, the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear, dragged him to his house and confronted his mother.
"It's only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality by playing doctor at their age," the neighbor said.
"Sexuality, my foot!" the mother yelled. "He took out her appendix!"
___________________________________________________
Hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It's called, Sosumi.
___________________________________________________
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept roaring and roaring until a hunter came along and shot him....
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
____________________________________________________

An old guy went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."
"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down."
___________________________________________________
Life sucks.
lent a guy ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now I don't know what he looks like...
_________________________________________________
A woman offered a brand-new car for sale for a price of ten dollars. A man answered the ad, but he was slightly skeptical. "What's the gimmick?" he inquired.
"No gimmick," the woman answered. "My husband died, and in his will he asked that the car be sold and the money go to his secretary.
___________________________________________________
Two cows were chatting over the fence between their fields.
The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."
The other cow replied, "Heck, I ain't worried. It won't affect us ducks!!!"
____________________________________________________
The other night, my wife and I were going out for dinner.
She put on eyebrow pencil, eye shadow, eyeliner, eyelashes, mascara, toner, blush and lipstick, then turned to me and asked, "Does this look natural?"
___________________________________________________
Prosecutor: "Did you kill the victim?"
Defendant: "No, I did not."
Prosecutor: "Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?"
Defendant: "Yes, I do. And they're a lot better than the penalty for murder."
___________________________________________________
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your damn cat."

 

[BooMerengue]

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is. "Billy." "And what is your question, Billy?" "I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? And Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?" Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right ... question time. Who has a question?" Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him what his name is. "Steve" "And what is your question, Steve?" "I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And Fifth, what the f#ck happened to Billy?"

 

[Joey3308]

Hormone Hostage

Every "hormone hostage" knows that there are days in the
month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he
takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that
should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of
every husband, boyfriend, or male child.

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Why are you so worked up?
SAFER: Could we be over-reacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?!?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.

 

[tonitits]

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is. "Billy." "And what is your question, Billy?" "I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? And Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?" Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right ... question time. Who has a question?" Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him what his name is. "Steve" "And what is your question, Steve?" "I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And Fifth, what the f#ck happened to Billy?"

Out of the mouth of babes! Lol.

 

[Joey3308]

A picture's worth a thousand words...I love this one he he
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/graphics/kerry_munster.jpg

 

[Succulent-one]

COWBOY SEX

Two cowboys were out on the range talking about their favorite sex

positions. One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy.

"What is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her

from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in

your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your

sister's.'

Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds."