Jokes

[carrie-on]

A little old lady, well into her eighties, named Lil, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally she arrives at the counter, grabbing it for support. She asks the sales clerk: "Dddodo yyou sssell dddddildosss?" The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing,replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we sell many models." The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ssssellll aaa llllitttlee pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?" The clerk responds, "Yes we do". "Ccccccaannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee hhhhowwww ttttoooo ttturrrnnn tthe ffffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"

 

[Succulent-one]

Job Interview

A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they
interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down three
people. In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all
the same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best
answer would get the job.
The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying
on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side
facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their
answers.
The first one says "My answer is, there IS no answer."
The second one says "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the
answer with the information we were given."
The THIRD one says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to
two names. It's either Willie Turner or Willie Nailer."

HE GOT THE JOB!

 

[Grizzman]

Three couples went out camping. The three husbands stayed in one tent and the three wives stayed in the other. At about 3 in the morning, Bob woke up and yelled, "Wow, unbelievable!" Bill woke up and asked, "What's going on?" Bob said, "I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife." "How come?" "To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my life!" After a pause, Bill said, "Do you want me to come with you?" "Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?" "Because that's my dick you're holding.

Awesome! This might become the new standard ice breaker.
http://www.bellsouthpwp.net/m/i/miranate/smilies/cartmanface.gif

 

[tonitits]

A woman and her boyfriend are out for New Years having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having >one. > >After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The >bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar -- a salt >shaker, a shot of Baileys and a shot of lime juice. > >The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. > >"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot >of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime >juice." > >So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He >puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK. He drinks the shot of >Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is OK. >Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it .... in one second the >sharp lime taste hits... at two seconds the Baileys curdles... at three >seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits. This triggers his gag >reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he >swallows the now nasty drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns >to his girlfriend. > >She smiles widely at him and says, "So, how did you like it? It's >called 'Blow Job's Revenge.'

 

[Succulent-one]

Church Gossip

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members were unappreciative of her activities, but they feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house................................................. and left it there all night.

 

[SexyWench]

A hillbilly went hunting one day in Kentucky and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies.

The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid Kentucky hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from Kentucky. This is a Tennessee duck. You got a Tennessee huntin' license, boy?"

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Tennessee hunting license. The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Tennessee duck. This duck's from Mississippi. You got a Mississippi license?"

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Mississippi hunting license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Mississippi duck. This here duck's from South Carolina. You got a South Carolina huntin' license?" Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license.

The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly, "Boy, just where the hell are you from?"

The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You tell me. You're the expert."

 

[veryblueeyes]

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful blonde. She said "Santa, will you stay with me?", Santa replied, "Hoe Hoe Hoe gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys." So she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra and panties, she asked "Santa, now will you stay with me?" "Hoe Hoe Hoe gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys." She takes off everything and says "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa replies "Gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"

 

[veryblueeyes]

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by the year 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

 

[veryblueeyes]

Please I mean no offense. I just thought it was funny.


THE GEOGRAPHIC ANATOMY OF A WOMAN Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas. Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash. Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed, confident, and convinced of her own beauty. Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit. Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary. Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away. Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future. After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there. THE GEOGRAPHIC ANATOMY OF A MAN Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick.

 

[luvsyounger]

You have written a book about prostution and you want to give it a classic Dickens type of title. What would you title the book?

Wait for it.



A Sale of Two Titties

 

[midwestyankee]

Please I mean no offense. I just thought it was funny.


THE GEOGRAPHIC ANATOMY OF A WOMAN Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas. Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash. Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed, confident, and convinced of her own beauty. Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit. Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary. Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away. Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future. After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there. THE GEOGRAPHIC ANATOMY OF A MAN Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick.

That's odd.....I thought Iraq was being ruled by a rummy.

 

[veryblueeyes]

That's odd.....I thought Iraq was being ruled by a rummy.

You think so?

Pardon, it was just a joke.

 

[veryblueeyes]

Three men went into a stripper bar and this stripper came over to them and started to shake her ass. The first guy goes, ''Watch this,'' so he licks a 50 dollar bill and sticks it on her ass. The second guy goes, ''Oh yeah? Watch this,'' so he takes a 100 dollar bill and licks it and sticks it on her ass. The third guy goes ''That's nothing! He takes out his credit card, slides it down her ass crack and takes the money.'



Joey!!!!! I miss you!!!

 

[dragonprince76]

Originally posted by veryblueeyes
Three men went into a stripper bar and this stripper came over to them and started to shake her ass. The first guy goes, ''Watch this,'' so he licks a 50 dollar bill and sticks it on her ass. The second guy goes, ''Oh yeah? Watch this,'' so he takes a 100 dollar bill and licks it and sticks it on her ass. The third guy goes ''That's nothing! He takes out his credit card, slides it down her ass crack and takes the money.'



Joey!!!!! I miss you!!!

Nice one VBE

 

[veryblueeyes]

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory will be off-limits for the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

 

[dragonprince76]

Originally posted by veryblueeyes
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory will be off-limits for the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

I laughed my butt off on this one

 

[veryblueeyes]

This is a bit crude.

A man walked into a bar and ordered ten shots. The bartender served them and watched as the man drank all ten shots. The bartender asked, "What happened to you?" The man replied, "I just found out my youngest son is a homosexual." The next day, the same man walked in, ordered the same thing and drank all ten shots again. The bartender asked "What happened now?" The man replied, "I just found out my oldest son is a homosexual." The next day, the same man walked in and ordered ten more shots. "Damn," said the bartender. "Doesn't anyone in your family eat pussy?" The man replied, "Apparently my wife."

 

[midwestyankee]

You think so?

Pardon, it was just a joke.

So was my post, though obviously not a good one. I was referring to Donald Rumsfeld, who sometimes is known by the nickname "Rummy."

 

[veryblueeyes]

So was my post, though obviously not a good one. I was referring to Donald Rumsfeld, who sometimes is known by the nickname "Rummy."

Got it now... I did not know he was referred to as Rummy. Great one.

 

[veryblueeyes]

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. "What size?" asks the clerk. "Gee, I don't know." "Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly. Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves. A high school kid comes in to buy condoms. "What size?" The kid embarassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"

 

[Saoirse]

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWW

hehehehe

 

[veryblueeyes]

This is a long one...

Dear Mom & Dad, Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened. Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Mathew is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren’t any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, -- it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster --, so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the missing life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to caus him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters Don't worry about anything. We are fine. Love, Jake

 

[dragonprince76]

that one was alright but I think it could have been better.

 

[carrie-on]

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified
well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Natalie," the man replied.
"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No. I must see Natalie," was the man's reply.
Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Natalie,
and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie.
Natalie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too
expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000.
Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went
upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the
third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Natalie questioned the man.
"No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, "South Carolina."
"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's attorney.
She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

 

[veryblueeyes]

Great one Carrie!!!

Judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!" The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!" The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?" The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."