Jokes

[Grizzman]

A koala bear and a hooker go back to her place and they get undressed. The koala bear goes down on the hooker for 3 hours straight. She has multiple orgasms!!! After 3 hours he stops, gets up and puts on his little koala clothes. The woman is hanging back huffing and puffing from exhaustion. "Oh God, that was great! Now I need my money." The koala bear just looks at her and shrugs. Then the hooker says, "No, I need my money. I'm a hooker and this is how I make a living." The koala bear just looks at her and continues to put on his clothes. Then the hooker gets up and runs to the bookshelf, grabs a dictionary and thumbs through it to "hooker." She hands it to the koala bear and it reads: "HOOKER: person who has sex for money." Then the koala bear turns the page to "koala bear" and walks out the door. The hooker reads: "KOALA BEAR: Eats Bushes and Leaves."

Beautiful!

 

[Grizzman]

Redneck Sex Test . . .

10.Asphalt describes rectal problems . . .

Confusious say "never lay pipe in wet ashpalt."

 

[Succulent-one]

Old ladies

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.

****************************

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

*******************************

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."
"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday"

********************************************

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. 'Mutual orgasm' here and 'mutual orgasm' there -- that's all they talk about.
Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?" Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."

*********************************************

 

[Joey3308]

http://www.gif-world.net/modules/Gallery/data/media/18/100.jpg

 

[Succulent-one]

GOD AND THE DIET
In the beginning, God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then, using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's and Krispy Kreme.
And Satan said: "You want hot fudge with that?"
And Man said: "Yes!"
And Woman said: "I'll have one, too...with sprinkles."
And lo they gained 10 pounds.

So God said: "Try my fresh green garden salad."
And Satan presented crumbled Bleu Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side.
And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said: "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth deep-fried coconut shrimp, butter-dipped lobster chunks, and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.
And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.
Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin, sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt.
And Man packed on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his children might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan introduced cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels.
And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretchy lycra jogging suits.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonald's and the 99-cent double cheeseburger.
Then Satan said: "You want fries with that?"
And Man replied: "Yes! And super size 'em!"
And Satan said: " It is good."
And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed...and created quadruple by-pass surgery.
Satan chuckled and created HMOs

 

[Succulent-one]

Who says men don't remember anniversaries?

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes I do" she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"


"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said......"I would have gotten out today."

 

[Joey3308]

RELAX

http://www.gif-world.net/modules/Gallery/data/media/18/117.jpg

 

[biggbear8]

. "The cucumber has left the salad."

2. "Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out."

3. "Your soldier ain't so unknown now."

4. "Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells."

5. "Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!"

6. "Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod."

7. "You've got your fly set for Monica instead of Hillary."

8. "You've got a security breach at Los Pantaloons."

9. "I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?"

10. "Men are From Mars, women can see Your Penis."

 

[Joey3308]

Sounds like an Iraqi swimmin pool

 

[Succulent-one]

Don't tick off a nurse

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in
the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses
because he bossed them around just like he did his
staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have
anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to
him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to
take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled
down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, but for this reading, I
can't use an oral thermometer.
This started another round of complaining, but eventually
he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard
her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay
JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She left the door to his room open on her way out.
He curses under his breath as he hears people walking
past his door, laughing.

After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc?
Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature
taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."

 

[tonitits]

Flat Tarr

PEOPLE FROM THE SOUTH WILL UNDERSTAND THIS..


There was this fellow from Eastern Kentucky who had a flat tire. He pulled off on the side of the road, jumped out of his car, walked down the hills and picked a bunch of wildflowers, and proceeded to put one bouquet of the flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I have a flat tarr."

In response the passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it neither."

 

[Succulent-one]

Nutrition

Forwarded from a surgeon friend of mine. Obviously, surgeons don't know much about nutrition...

Questions and Answers from the first nutrition expert I've found
who seems to make sense:

From: Dr. J. Lee FitzGerald, MD.

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.
Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable) and a pork chop can give you 100% of
your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into
three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body:fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one
to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain....Good.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more
vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?

A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO? Cocoa beans... another vegetable!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie... flour is a veggie! One more thing: When life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and some salt.

 

[pleasteasme]

OK. . . .

What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?

"Hold onto your nuts, you're in for one helluva blowjob!"

Not original, but very funny!!!

 

[Emperor Norton]

Not good jokes.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?










a stick























What is the best way to top a car?







'tep on the brake, 'tupid.

 

[tonitits]

Re: Nutrition

Forwarded from a surgeon friend of mine. Obviously, surgeons don't know much about nutrition...

Questions and Answers from the first nutrition expert I've found
who seems to make sense:

From: Dr. J. Lee FitzGerald, MD.

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.
Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable) and a pork chop can give you 100% of
your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into
three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body:fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one
to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain....Good.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more
vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?

A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO? Cocoa beans... another vegetable!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie... flour is a veggie! One more thing: When life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and some salt.

ROFLMAO, I love that Dr. he thinks like I do!!!!!!!!!!

 

[tonitits]

Subject: The Alamo
...
A Texan was shopping in downtown San Antonio when he looked up at the
top of a tall building & saw a man ready to jump...So he yelled, "Stop,
remember you're someone with value!"

The man yelled back, "I just lost everything in the stock market!"

"But you're important to your wife," yelled the Texan.

"She divorced me & took everything I had that wasn't in the stock
market."
"Your children! Remember your children," yelled the Texan

"They never call," said the man.

"Then your parents!! Remember your parents," yelled the Texan.

"Dead as a doornail," said the man.

"Then for God's sake, remember the Alamo!" yelled the Texan.

The man shouted, "What's the Alamo?"

The Texan yelled, "Jump, Yankee

 

[Joey3308]

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must have surely known:
that an intern is better
than a bomb in a letter
given the choice of how to be blown

 

[Succulent-one]

Enemies

The preacher's Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies." He asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" About half the congregation held up their hands. He repeated the question. Now about 80% held up their hands. He repeated his question again and everyone responded except one elderly lady. "Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" She responded with, "I don't have any." "Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-three," she replied. "Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person of your years cannot have an enemy in the world." The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle and said, "It's easy. I outlived the bitches"

 

[pleasteasme]

What is the difference between being pervertive and kinky?

Pervertive is using a feather. . . .

Kinky is using the whole damn chicken.

 

[Grizzman]

This young gentleman is sitting at the bar after a long day of conferences when a beautiful lady sits beside him and order them both a jack on the rocks.
“You look a little lonesome dear. What seems to be the problem?”
The man, empowered with liquid boldness, replies “In what has been an otherwise successful day, I’ve yet to get any and it’s driving me crazy.” He’s looks at her sheepishly only to be surprised by her response.
“Honey, I’ve been working in this town for a long time. And tonight, I’m going to do you a favor. For $50, I’ll give you the best hand job you’ve ever gotten.”
The man, suspicious of the high price for a five finger vibrator, asks “How do I know it’ll be the “best” one I’ve ever had?”
She points out the window toward a high rise building overlooking a lush private garden. In front of it sat a Mercedes 550sl convertible.
“You see that car sitting in front of that building? I paid for that car with money from my hand jobs. And if you don’t believe it’s the best hand job ever, I’ll give it to you”
Feeling his investment was secured, he agreed. Returning to the bar afterwards, the man was amazed. “Wow! That was stellar. She really wasn’t lying. $50 well spent”, he thought.

About an hour later, He was still in the bar when the lady returned. Seeing the glassy look in his eyes, she offered him another proposition. “You seem a bit giddy after our last adventure Hon. If you’re interested, for another $200 bucks, I can give you the best blow job you’ve ever had. What do you think?” Again, feeling the fee was a bit exorbitant, He expressed his reluctance. And once again she directed his attention out the window. “You see that high rise building over there? It’s filled with the cities finest living quarters. The top three floors are my exclusive penthouse. I paid for that penthouse with the money I make from giving blowjobs. And if you don’t think it’s the best blowjob you’ve ever had, I’ll sign it over to you tonight.” Feeling his investment was well backed, he agreed. And boy what a great investment it was. He never had a lady work his cock like that before.
The next day he couldn’t keep the grin off his face.

The following evening, he sat at the bar waiting for the lady to arrive. As soon as she sat down, He approached her. “Lady, I must say what you did to me last night was unbelievable. I’ll be leaving on an early flight in the morning and I was wondering. How much would it cost to get a little taste of that golden honey between your legs?”
The lady pointed out the window at the high rise and said “Honey, I’d own that building if I had a pussy between my legs.”

 

[Joey3308]

Try this...it's soooo cool (scratch 'n sniff)

http://www.slabearkazad.com/sniff/#click

 

[carrie-on]

A gentleman staying at the Ritz Hotel in London removes a card offering sexual services from a telephone box on Piccadilly. Back at the hotel he rings the number. A lady with a silky soft voice answers and asks if she can be of assistance. The gentleman says, "I'd like a blow job, some missionary work, a little doggie-style, some mild bondage, finishing off with a pearl necklace. What do you think?" The lady says, "I think it sounds intriguing, sir, but you might like to press 9 first to get an outside line.

 

[carrie-on]

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the Bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." "That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I wasworried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her door bell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?" "I kicked her in the face."

 

[carrie-on]

The 8th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up angrily and said, "You should not be asking eighth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again. "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. She said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and addressed the class. "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and replied, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy." She turned to Mary. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say. One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

 

[carrie-on]

Three couples went out camping. The three husbands stayed in one tent and the three wives stayed in the other. At about 3 in the morning, Bob woke up and yelled, "Wow, unbelievable!" Bill woke up and asked, "What's going on?" Bob said, "I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife." "How come?" "To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my life!" After a pause, Bill said, "Do you want me to come with you?" "Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?" "Because that's my dick you're holding.